DD at birth??? Need advice

[mommy2naomi]

I'm due May 1st and having an HBAC. My DD is 2 years old and is a high-needs, clingy child. My midwife thinks that we should make a decision on who will be there with DD but the truth is that she wants no one else but DH and I. My parents are probably the only other people she'll go to but they know nothing about the homebirth. My MIL is super supportive and knows everything but DD won't go to her at all. So I'm really torn on what to do while on the one hand I want her there, she's not going to understand that mommy needs space at certain times. I had a stomach flu last week and saw what its going to be like. She just doesn't understand yet and she wouldn't let me rest on the bed or take a long time in the bathroom. She's at the stage of "me, me, me", which is totally fine but I don't think I can handle it at the birth. DH thinks that once I'm in early labor or close to active labor, he should just take DD to my parents house which is 45 minutes away. But he's also afraid they'll ask about the hospital and he doesn't want to lie. PLEASE someone tell me what to do???

[holothuroidea]

My advice is probably unsolicited because I don't have any older children, but maybe it will help.

How long do you plan on keeping this a secret? Maybe you should just be up front with your parents, wouldn't you want your daughter to tell you? My Mom was pretty put-off by the idea of a home birth. She thinks I'm crazy, but still wants to be there.

Anyway, maybe this is a good opportunity to start weening your daughter off of the clingyness. Does she have any friends she likes to play with, or cousins close in age? Maybe you could arrange a babysit swap with one of her friends parents. She might not like that you're not around but at least she'll have a friend and someone to distract her.

Your daughter will get over it eventually, and it might be worth the tears so that you can birth this baby safely.

It will all work out for you, don't worry.

[Mamabeakley]

Maybe she will sleep through everything - it does happen.

Maybe you will choose to have a different support person and allow DH to be DD's support person. I don't think I would do this, but people do and it works for some.

How does your MIL feel about holding an upset DD? My mom can deal with my kids being upset if that is how things are - MIL canNOT. Fact is, it may upset her to be separated from you during labor/birth, but it may be necessary for whatever reason.

Could you hire a doula whose focus is on being DDs support? Perhaps a "neutral party" would be more acceptable to DD than a family member.

Would any of these options be better than doing nothing and having to a) push DD away (verbally or physically) during labor or b) having labor stop or stall due to DD's demands?

Just brainstorming - good luck finding the right path for you.

[MCKH]

My dd was 26 months of age when I had my son in December. She is also very clingy. I though I'd want her home for the birth, but when it came down to it there was NO WAY. I was too loud, there was a lot of blood/other fluids. I was like a wild animal, and for her, it would have been terrifying. It was very different than I had imagined.

When I got into active labor my husband took her over to my parents' house until after the baby was born. It worked out really well. Were I you, I would come clean with my mom and say something like "I know this might seem radical and scary to you, but it's what we're doing and I hope you can support me by being there for X while I'm in labor."

[Treeof3]

Welllll Can you fudge the truth a little more? Will your parents come and get dd for you or do you need to have dh deliver her to them? Or is there a friend who can help you out with her or take her to your parents/meet them halfway for you?

You could always let them know you will be laboring at home for as long as possible... Then if they come get her its not a surprise that you are still there. When you call later and its all done and everyone is safe you can say "We never made it to the hospital".... True story, stretched a bit, but not a straight out lie either. I have a friend who didn't tell and her mom happened to call to check up on her like 5 minutes after the birth and mom said "What's happening now?" and my friend said "I am holding your grandson"... LOL Her mom spazzed a bit, but it was too late to pass on any bad ju-ju.

You'll figure it out. Happy Birthing!!

[meredyth0315]

I'd have to agree with Treeof3. I'm in sort of the same situation as far as my mom goes, but her position is more of worry. She knows me well enough to know that I will choose my path and won't be swayed. But she still worries. My DSs are so excited, but at 5 & 3, I don't think them being in the house is such a good idea so my SIL will keep them until after Peanut is born. DS3 is very clingy to me still, but I know he'll be in good hands and will be back home before he knows it. I wish you a wonderful, easy labor

[1972momma]

I think one pp's idea of taking your daughter to your parents' house when labor begins is a good one.

And, I also think it's totally unnecessary for them to know where you are planning to give birth. They can find out afterward, and after the shock wears off I'm guessing everything will be fine.

For what it's worth, I completely support your not telling them. I am not telling mine, either -- especially not my mother -- as this birth is about me and my family, not about her, or whether she would want to know. The truth is I wish I could tell her, but she does not have a history of trusting or respecting my decisions and tends to live a very fear-based life, so, while I wish it were different, I'm confident this is the right call for me at this time. Just wanted you to know you're not alone in that.

Good luck.

[laurata]

Can you hire a labor/ childcare doula to get to know you and your dd now, and come during your labor? This might be a good job for a midwifery student or apprentice to take on, someone who wants more exposure to natural birth, but doesn't have a lot of credentials or experience yet. During my second birth, my oldest watched tv for the most part. However, she was 3 1/2, and very independent. During my third birth, my kids mostly slept through, but my 2 1/2 yo woke when I was in transition and was very frightened. The plan was to send her to the neighbors house. However, my husband reassured her that I was working very hard to have the baby, and she went back to bed and slept for another hr plus!

This time, I was planning to have my best friend/ neighbor come as photographer/ kid support person, with another neighbor as an off site backup. Unfortunately, we moved 14 hrs away, and she wont be able to make the birth after all. :-( So now I'm praying that the kids sleep through. Otherwise, I lose my support person (dh).

[mommy2naomi]

Thank you all SO much, I really just needed to hear others perspectives and advice. I'm absolutely NOT telling my parents about the homebirth, I need a positive space around me and they live a fear based life. I will gladly tell them afterwards but until then I need a supportive circle around me.

I think I've decided that once I'm in active labor, then I will ask them to come and pick her up. I will have a bag of clothes/books ready ahead of time. I'll just tell them before hand that I plan on staying home as long as possible so there is no question why I'm still home when they come get her. Until they come, DH can put on a DVD for her and I can labor in the living room with her there.

We're planning on having a doula, midwife apprentice, midwife and possibly SIL/MIL there but like I said, my DD wants NO one else. This morning only I could get her milk (she was hysterical when DH said I was still sleeping), she's actually gotten even more clingier since she sees how big my belly is getting. She probably is anticipating the birth and knows that its getting close to that time.

Again, thank you SO much! I really appreciate your input.