dh and his debit card

[marcimoose]

hello! i am having a problem... and am looking for advice. my dh and i have agreed on a budget. he agreed! he gets cash weekly (sometimes if i can, i give him multiple weeks at a time so he can spend it how he chooses). once he runs out of cash, he will use his debit card to make purchases and sometimes to even get money out of an atm. now, this sounds like a no brainer... he agreed, so what's the deal? well, it's not as simple as it sounds. my dh has a pretty extreme issue with being bossed and controlled. so, once he goes over the budget, it's very, very hard to talk to him about it. the atm will gladly let him overdraw the account. when he does this and i call him on it, he'll get mad at me. i know a lot of his anger stems from the fact that he works his butt off and we are broke, but i think i do a pretty good job of making it work. he gets his weekly money, even if bills have to suffer. i think it's really important and the reality is, he'll just use his debit card if he's not given cash. the problem--- he has NO money management skills, blows through his cash and then needs/wants more.

he is aware of our budget. understands our situation. agrees to it. and then does whatever he wants. any ideas???

[irisheyes66]

Your dh sounds like my second (ex)husband...and hoo boy, do I remember some heated conversations on this very situation, that went late into the night There's nothing I find more frustrating than when a partner tells me "what I want to hear", then goes right on ahead and does what he pleases. I finally ended up having to confiscate his debit card, since he was causing our bills to fall behind and wrecking our credit. When that happened, I knew the writing was on the wall. Cripes!

And yep, I remember his whole "I work my *ss off and I can't even buy x, y, z when I want to...blah blah blah" speech....it was ridiculous, and I totally resented his "entitled" attitude, when I was going without even the most basic necessities to keep the numbers balanced in our favor every month.

Since that marriage ended badly, I'm not really in a position to give you advice on how to get dh to come around...it's clear my methods (yelling, screaming, threatening, ultimatums) didn't work, so I don't recommend them to anyone.

What I can do is tell you I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and I hope a solution becomes clear soon. It's really tough to have a partner who isn't on the same page, even when he/she "says" they are. (((hugs)))

[mamabutterfly]

nak Hugs, mama. How frustrating! We are struggling with budget issues & "I make the money..." feelings. Would your dh talk to a third person impartially? Or we he be able to suggest a solution for the specific overdraft problem? (So he doesn't feel controlled by you).
Like asking him what he thinks would work to avoid overdraft fees. For ex, does he check the balance before withdrawing?

[mirlee]

Can you "lose" his ATM card for him? Then he will have to rely on the cash in his wallet.

[Ruthla]

What if you opened up a 2nd account for bills, and transfered the money from the joint account into the "bills account" (which is in your name only" and then he only has access to his "allowance" in the bank?

Can you have it set up so the bank will deny a transaction rather than put through the withdrawal and charge the fee?

[marcimoose]

w/ the checking acct. the balance is not accurate. (you know, it doesn't reflect outstanding things). that's a good idea about the savings. i usually 1/2 the mortgage payment into savings. i think i'll put it in a sub account that can't be viewed from the atm. then, the savings balance will look smaller. yuck. i've thought about moving his debit card to a different spot in his wallet. i've even thought about just yanking it out of there, but that's not how i want to live... yuck!!!

[nataliebassoon]

I have experienced similar issues and never found a good solution (DH and I are now separated- primarily for other reasons, though). The only thing I can think of is getting the bank to turn of your overdraft protection so that the ATM won't let him get out money that's not there. Good luck and hugs!

[marcimoose]

i just called the bank. when using a debit card, there is no way to stop from overdrafting. (the man on the phone told me that it would help to reconcile my acct.) (thanks dude). anyway, this is really a problem. i know that my dh will not cooperate even though he says he will. this goes for many aspects of our life. we get along fine, it's just that he has this naughty boy, mommy complex that makes him feel like he has to rebel i guess.

anyway, enough psychoanalyzing. i guess i just have to tell him that i'm thinking about separating the bills account into my name only and see how that flies. if he doesn't like it, then he's going to have to come up with a solution he can live with.

yuck.

[kerc]

I'm the spender in our family. I'm also the one more likely to be threatened with control issues. Not crazy so, but just putting it out there.

I leave my debit card at home. I'm only on cash. I also have control over taking my debit card out of the house, but I choose not to. (i.e. its not like dh has it or anything like that).

Well what about emergencies?

I have a cell phone, my job does not require me to put out $$ (like to take a client out for intance). If I were to get stuck, even with my kids, I could call someone to bail me out in about 30 minutes.





My other suggestion would be to scramble together mad money for him. In the sense of, ok, we're each spending x. But I'm sticking 5 bucks a week aside for you. Personally I'd "hide" the cash in his pockets. I LOVE the sense of finding 10 bucks in a jacket.

[wednesday]

We had the same problem. Not so much "I won't be bossed" but DH just didn't want to think about or track his spending in any way. Partly it's an ADD thing, and partly it's some kind of weird ego thing of he shouldn't HAVE to think about whether or not he can afford a latte or a book or CD. Only "poor" people can't afford that sort of thing and he's not poor. We had so many arguments about it, because he could nickel and dime away several hundred dollars over the course of a couple weeks and then the checks I'd written for bills would cause us to go overdrawn. I finally ended up deciding that he can not change his behavior and I was done fighting about it. I opened up a separate checking account just in my name and the money budgeted for bills/savings goes directly in there as soon as it is received. That way I know exactly what is coming in and going out. He was NOT happy but he got over it. I mean really what else could I do?

[CityChic]

Are we married to the same man? DH and I are going through this right now (as in we just talked about it last night).

Part of the problem is that over all men or visual. If they can't physically see things (ie bank statements, account balances, etc.) it doesn't make a difference. I won't be DH's personal reminder every day, he needs to LEARN this.

SO this is what we decided. DH and I want to take a trip in the fall. We need to save for it. I printed off a page that says "Saving for New York September 2008", put a picture of our destination and a box at the bottom. The debit card is getting taped to the box. Every time DH wants to use it he will be reminded why we are on a budget and curbing our spending. IF DH decides to use the debit card we will add the total to the poster. If it hits $500 we aren't going on our trip. Extreme, yes. Helpful, we'll see.

[catballou24]

this may sound extreme, but my dh doesn't have an debit card. he thinks when he deposits money that that's how much we have...he forgets things like mortgage, bills, food..haha so i give him cash and in all honesty he's happy about it. it takes the burden off his shoulders. he seriously would not pay one red cent on bills if it was up to him...LOL it works for us...

[MaddieMay]

What about one of those pre-paid cards? You can buy them from the bank (I know Visa has one) and it's loaded with an amount predetermined by you. When it's gone, it's gone and since it's not tied to an account, you can't overdraw it.

[umarider]

I've been dealing w/ the same attitude, if not the actual spending.

DH gets pouty when he gets told he can't have what he wants, when he wants it, etc.

Here are some ideas:

1. Set things up so DH has no access to money that can't afford to be spent. Change him to an ATM card that is only linked to a savings acct where his allowance is automatically deposited. (Look, Honey, the bank has re-issued our ATM cards!) Perhaps do the same thing for yourself. Have no ATM cards that are linked to your checking (or if you do, put them in a plastic bag and freeze them in a block of ice!)

2. He wants to have some say/control over what is going on w/ money that he probably sees as "his" since he earns it. I know this is my DH's issue. I tried for years to get him to see that I wasn't trying to control or punish him... I just wanted to make sure we (and our kids) were "safe" financially. A real eye-opener for me was reading John Cummuta's Are you Being Seduced By Debt? It gave me a way to bring DH on board w/ my financial efforts. He now WANTS to control his spending because he sees us as a team, aiming for the goal of him being able to stop working years before he otherwise would be able to if we didn't control our spending. He WANTS that leisure more than he WANTs the new TV, car, stereo, etc. (although we all do need reminding of the long-term goal when we see a new "shiny" whatever that we MUST have!) I actually asked DH to read the book while I was on a trip... and he did! Now he is feeling that deciding to not spend money isn't being denied or controlled... it's being given a gift of not needing to spend the rest of his life working.

3. At tax time, etc., even though we have bills that I would love to channel the whole tax return towards... we do what we call a "split & splurge" I give DH 25% of the return to do what he wants with. He tends to stick that money in the bank and daydream for several months about what he'll do w/ it, and then about June he'll make a purchase. I don't judge the purchase, either... even if it seems foolish to me.

So, give DH some control (over his long-term future), take away the temptation (but do the same for yourself to be fair), and give him an occasional guilt-free reward. That's my advice fwiw.

[ustasmom]

Turn all the finances over to him. He can't live it until he lives it. He will learn.

[jeca]

Dh has debit card issues also. I give him a weekly amount and he hands over the debit card. It's not just him we both use cash and agree to put the debit card away.

[SeekingJoy]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

What if you opened up a 2nd account for bills, and transfered the money from the joint account into the "bills account" (which is in your name only" and then he only has access to his "allowance" in the bank?

Can you have it set up so the bank will deny a transaction rather than put through the withdrawal and charge the fee?

:

[FraggleLover]

I've set up mine so that my salary goes to one account only connected to my bank's ATM. I pay my bills and take pocket money from that. This means I must GO to the bank for spending money.
My second account is connected to the debit card for any ATM and I put on $50 each month. This is emergency money. It's accessible but it's not for spending. I have hit it a couple of times for non-emergency things but I put it back the next day.
That works for me.
Would your husband spend the "emergency" money?

[alisonh916]

: I'm having the same problem with my dh! the debit card makes me want to scream! I like some of the ideas posted though!

[mommy2two babes]

Things are much better now but a few years ago I had to close out our joint accts and open new ones in just my name. I gave him a cash allowance for spending money. There was a little more to the situatuion at that point but you have to be able to protect yourself and your finanicials.I don't know if this helps or not but my DH is a cash guy. He feels like he should always have a couple 20's in his wallet at all times. He said " incase he needs something" He could blow through cash like nothing and not know where he spent it. A drink and bag of chips at the gas station, coffee ect. He doesn't like to use a visa for small purchases. I used this to my advantage becasue I gave him a visa with a small limit for his spending. He knows I can see what he is spending on and he can too. I can point out that it is not just $2 but actully $150+ over the course of the month every month. This really helped to curb his spending. I also gave him the option that he could do the budgeting if he thought he could do better with our income and he declined.
Hope this makes sense