? about response to midwife

[19spitfire]

I am planning an hbac and interviewed a few midwives. One of the midwives that dh and I decided not to go with called today and asked if something she said or did made us not choose her. I replied that dh and I had found someone who we both felt very comfortable with who was closer to our home. This is the truth. We were both uncomfortable with the mw who called because she was quite negative during the initial meeting as well as loud and relayed stories of other couples whose births she had attended and that she hadn't approved of their choices. I found some of this unprofessional. But as the phone started cutting out, I assume she was on her cell, the final comment I heard was "Well, I hope she is good at suturing!" refering the the mw we chose. I was a bit angry that she would want to put this kind of doubt in my mind about this upcoming birth. This is just the sort of comment dh and I decided against using her because of. What would you do? Would you just leave it or at this point give the vital facts as to why you were uncomfortable with her?

[nashvillemidwife]

Do you intend to have further contact with her? I wouldn't. You've made your choice, and it's not her.

[xixstar]

after the interview and the last comment on the phone, I'd never have any contact with her again and would also give my honest opinion to anyone who asked for an opinion of her or of local midwives.

[barefootpoetry]

Originally Posted by xixstar

after the interview and the last comment on the phone, I'd never have any contact with her again and would also give my honest opinion to anyone who asked for an opinion of her or of local midwives.

: I would definitely warn anyone who asks about her. She sounds like a real peach.

[nashvillemidwife]

Well, hold on a minute. I also think it's only fair that other people have an open-minded opportunity to interview her themselves!

[Gray's Mommy]

I would not call the midwife back & if anyone else asks about that particular one, I would give my opinion & let it be. If they interview her, they will find out what her personality is like firsthand.

[paquerette]

What a weird thing to say! Is there anything which could have led her to believe you're particularly likely to tear? Or maybe she knows (or thinks she knows) something about the other mw that her practices would be more likely to cause a tear? That just doesn't seem to make much sense! I guess if one is trying to be snarky on the fly and that's the first thing that pops into your head...

[laurata]

How odd. I would be uncomfortable with that too, and feel it is a bit unprofessional. In the SF Bay area, I have pretty much only heard birth professionals speak respectfully of other birth professionals, with one exception- a CBE who had a very bad experience with a particular midwife, and very confidentially shared her experience, with the addendum that I should interview herself and think long and hard before making any decisions- to trust my gut.

IMO, there is nothing wrong with asking for feedback, but I think a written survey is a better way of doing so, for just that reason: it is too easy to make a potential client uncomfortable by opening mouth, inserting foot on the phone. And if you don't have a pre-existing relationship, you're just going to make things awkward. JMO, of course.

[1972momma]

How enormously unprofessional. You CLEARLY made the right call, and my advice would be to immediately put her crazy-making comment out of your head and move on. Don't spend another second thinking about what she might have meant; if you had trusted her opinion, you would have trusted her to bith with her. Since you didn't, why listen to anything else she has to say? Good riddance!

[1972momma]

sorry, duplicate post.

[MsBlack]

As far as saying anything to this mw, I guess that depends on you, and whether or not you *feel like* saying anything to her. I think *I'd* probably want to let her know what I thought/felt about that last conversation, but I'm like that....I tend to communicate at least once about something like that. I'd say it's also perfectly acceptable to just blow her off w/out a 2nd thought! Sheesh, what a comment to make....

I might send an email, saying something brief like: 'when you said xyz, I felt abc. I did not appreciate your comment and felt you were unprofessional in going there. I don't really want to discuss this with you, but I wanted to tell you my reaction, partly to get it off my own chest--and maybe it can help you somehow in future. Thank you.'

Btw--when I interview w/families, I always tell them that they should call me if they decide they need my services. If they make another choice, they can feel free to let me know that as a courtesy if they like, but I don't expect it--I don't assume anything, or put anyone on my calendar until a family contacts me to begin visits. And this actually makes my life easier as well as theirs, IMO. No attachments after that initial interview, I generally dismiss it from my thoughts pretty fast until/unless I hear from them again. A few who chose someone else did email or phone me to tell me so--I always just thank them for the courtesy, and wish them well--I NEVER ask why. Some have not volunteered reasons why, some have ('she has more experience than you--lives closer--charges less' are the 3 I've heard) but I figure it's none of my business. The reason to interview a few mws is to find the one that fits best--and I know I won't fit everyone best, in terms of personality OR in terms of my professional approach/practices.

I only ask 'why' if someone decides to change after care is well-underway....well, this has happened only once so far...and I can't say the experience of discussing it was worth the trouble! So I'm not sure I'd do it in the future. FAct is, in that case I knew already that the fam and I were not connecting all that well....

[19spitfire]

Is there anything which could have led her to believe you're particularly likely to tear?

I thought about this quite a bit last night and came to the conclusion that: no, I am not more likely to tear than any other mother, but that tearing is one of my big fears. Because of past birth experiences this is something that I've had to work through and thinking about. Now this just bringing me a bit farther on the path to peace about this fear.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this. I was really upset and now I realize that I was so effected because she did play MY fear about birth. I told her at the interview about my past births and relayed my fears of birth to her also.
I've taken a lot of advice from this thread and I guess the bottom line is that we did not choose her because we didn't feel comfortable with her and this was just the icing on the cake. I will tell others the truth of my experience with her if they ask, but, of course, tell them to interview her and go with what they think. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions. You gave me food for thought and the ability to think about this critically instead of entirely emotionally.
I am still unsure if I will tell her the exact 'why' of our decision, if I do it will be at a later date and I will probably write a letter. I feel that having no contact with her before the birth is better for me, but after the birth if I still feel strongly I will relate my opinion to her. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.

[Kim919]

[QUOTE=nashvillemidwife;10926001]Well, hold on a minute. I also think it's only fair that other people have an open-minded opportunity to interview her themselves![/QUOTE
You must have such a positive nature for that to be your first thought! Your right though.

[nashvillemidwife]

Well, I take everything everyone says with a grain of salt. Of course I am interviewed by people who choose not to hire me. I'm also interviewed by a lot of people who do hire me. I don't know what the difference is, but I'd hate to think there are people out there who didn't choose me, telling their friends that I'm a horrible midwife and not to bother interviewing me based on something that apparently doesn't bother other people. Does that make sense?

[milkybean]

I would probably let her know in some way.

[MammaB21]

If it were me, I would write her a letter or email explaining why you didn't chose her. Let her know that you wanted to tell her over the phone, but felt uncomfurtable and caught off guard. I would approach it in a nice and caring way. In reality, she is a human too, and maybe didn't mean (or even know) she offended you. In telling her, hopefully she can change her ways with her next client (since it is inevitable that she will get one.) I think it is more effective to protect her future clients in this way, then to try and keep people from using her. Also, I would let her know that her comment on the phone was uncalled for and specifically played on your fears. It was wrong of her to do that.

[mwherbs]

whew seems like she displayed the exact trait you saw on interview you didn't like. If it were me I would communicate with her- probably written about the phone conversation .

[DocsNemesis]

Thats totally true Nashville, but at the same time, have you ever called someone and played on their fears to make them scared or feel bad about not chosing you? I'd assume not. Honestly, knowing that, I wouldnt want to interview her. I'm very non-confrontational and although I can tell just from what the OP described at the interview, I wouldnt go with her, I especially wouldnt want a phone call like that AFTER the fact. Id be annoyed with a friend if they didnt at least warn me.

Midwives in general know that there are sooo many different reasons people might chose another midwife. I actually had a friend who didnt like my midwives when she interviewed because she said she felt like they were too interventionistic (new word! woot!) and she just didnt feel as comfortable with them. I'm on my 3rd baby with them and have found the opposite-shoot, the midwife just sat back and watched my hubby deliver the last baby. I had interviewed another midwife a long time ago and never went back-because I moved to another town and wanted someone closer. I also interviewed with someone who I just really didnt click with at all. I wouldnt be surprised if thats the biggest factor for who a couple chooses-you certainly dont want to spend your whole pregnancy with someone you dont feel right about. And its totally no ones fault-its just like making friends, sometimes you click, sometimes you dont.

[elizaMM]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

I might send an email, saying something brief like: 'when you said xyz, I felt abc. I did not appreciate your comment and felt you were unprofessional in going there. I don't really want to discuss this with you, but I wanted to tell you my reaction, partly to get it off my own chest--and maybe it can help you somehow in future. Thank you.'

:

I consider it my obligation to service providers and further recipients of those service providers to provide honest feedback, esPECially when requested. Is that self righteous of me?

I recently told someone in a similar situation When you talk smack about others I worry that you'll talk smack about me so I have a hard time relaxing and being honest. (more professionally phrased) Because I do.

Sounds like she has a real mental health problem, and likely she won't change b/c of one thing you say, but if others express themselves, it will have an impact.

I'm surprised so many say to just leave her in the dark. Is that how y'all would like to be treated?

Good luck with the chosen midwife!

[nashvillemidwife]

Originally Posted by DocsNemesis

Thats totally true Nashville, but at the same time, have you ever called someone and played on their fears to make them scared or feel bad about not chosing you?

No I haven't, but I think you missed the part where I take everything everyone says with a grain of salt.