Ugh, I thought I was doing so well, but I'm starting to freak out

[limabean]

Since finding out that I'm pregnant, I've been having a hard time coming to terms with DS's birth 3.5 years ago. I didn't realize how bothered I was by some of the things that happened during his birth until I faced the reality of going through it all over again. My water broke as the first sign of labor with DS, and I went straight to L&D and was immediately put on pitocin, hooked up to internal monitors, catheterized, had an epidural put in place (in case of emergency c/s), etc. -- and spent the next 27 hours strapped to the bed waiting out a slow-progressing labor with nurses threatening c/s every time I "failed" to dilate. It finally ended with vacuum extraction and level 4 episiotomy/tearing. I got such a wonderful gift at the end of it all that I kind of brushed all my feelings aside, but then when I got pregnant again it all came rushing back and I realized that I really wasn't okay with a lot of that, and I don't want to be steamrolled again during such a vulnerable time.

So anyway, last night I had a huge meltdown, freaking out that things are going to go the exact same way this time (although I know that's not likely). I talked to DH about it, and although he's very caring and supportive, he made a few comments (like "the nurses are just there to help us") that made me scared that I'll be all alone in resisting their "suggestions" this time. I mean, if my water breaks there's no reason I couldn't have intermittent monitoring and be allowed to walk to try to start contractions on my own rather than immediately starting pitocin, right? But I feel like they're going to treat me like an idiot, and that my DH, out of fear for the baby's safety, will buy into the "they're just trying to do what's best for the baby" thing, and any resistance on my part will be read as endangering the baby.

Ugggghhhhh ... I've been so excited about "reclaiming" the experience this time, and getting a second chance to go through this, but as the day nears my fears are getting stronger, and I'm worried that I won't be strong enough to insist that things happen the way I want them to.

[Alpaca Wacka]

What an awful experience! s

First of all, I sense that you are a LOT more educated and knowledgable this time, so it will be easier to present other options to your careproviders. Have faith in yourself. Now, that said, also be realistic in your expectations of your own abilities. Personally, I know damn good and well that I'm incredibly tractible during labor. I don't have the attention or focus to put up any sort of fight at all in the midst of things. My DH, bless his heart, does his best, but I know he's suceptible to pressuring too. I'd go right out and get yourself a doula. It's NOT too late! Even if you don't get loads of time for bonding, I think you'll probably feel a lot more reassured during the process if you've got someone totally on your team!

I have a lot of faith that you can do this mama, and it won't be nearly so tough this time.

[Bokoto]

I totally agree about the doula recommendation, but I also think you need to put more faith in yourself that you're not going to let it happen again that way. You have the wisdom of hindsight now and are much more educated on what does and doesn't need to happen. I know this sounds silly, but "feel your power" -- it's a vulnerable time, for sure, but you will be a better self-advocate this time around. I'd be investing as much time as possible in talking with your DH and making sure that he's on your team too. Good luck!

[Ironica]

I'm sorta dealing with this too. Our labor with DS, while it was in the objective sense really horrendous, actually could have been a lot worse; the care providers we had were fairly respectful of us and didn't "push" too much after we said "no." But we didn't know as much then as now, either.

Last time, throughout my pregnancy and most of my labor, I had such utter confidence in my body. It was a BEAUTIFUL thing; I'd never known that feeling before. I didn't care how much weight I gained or what the numbers were on the BP monitor or anything; I just knew everything was going great and this was what I was built for. (I had some serious emotional issues during the first tri, but that was a different story, and I got the help I needed.)

This time, I've been sorta worried all along. Would I miscarry? (Didn't even OCCUR to me last time.) Would there be some defect? Breech? Preterm labor? Gestational Diabetes? (Well, that at least is a semi-legitimate concern.) Will I gain too much weight? Am I gaining enough? Will my BP be too high? Can my body even go into labor on its own? (Never did last time; induced, and my body never "took over" at all, and eventually my uterus just conked out.)

Meanwhile, I switched care providers from midwives with permanent frown creases between their brows whenever they talked to me, to a happy-go-lucky OB with COMPLETE confidence in birth and in *my* particular ability to birth a baby via the "front door" as it were. It's the kind of office that will take my BP over and over until they get a reading they like, and he's the kind of guy who looks at the numbers on an individual basis, and considers the "guidelines" to often be unrealistic or not useful in a particular case. So that obstacle, at least, is gone. I'm sure the nurses will have their own ideas about how we should do things, but my doctor isn't going to order them to hook me up to the monitor, and we have a great doula with TONS of experience (including several births with this doctor attending at this hospital) to back us up.

But I know that I'm still not totally confident that *I* can do this, and that's scary. I don't have much time left to get past that block! And my therapy session today was postponed until this evening. ;-) I have a feeling I'll spend the whole hour on how to find that confidence in my body again. I should have recognized this issue MUCH sooner!

It sucks living in the shadow of a bad birth experience. :-/ I hope you can get the support you need around you when it's your turn! Getting a doula sounds like a GREAT idea; DH and I pretty much had decided to get one for this time by about four hours after we arrived at the hospital last time. ;-) Let's hear it for having a different experience, shall we?

[lobster]

I was dealing with some heavy fears as the third trimester approached, and I found it very helpful to visualise what I would do in each situation that I was afraid of. I'm planning an unassisted birth, and a big fear I was having was that I'd need to transfer to the hospital. So instead of letting that fear consume me, I made a plan as to what I would do if I DID need to transfer to the hospital - I laid out every scary scenario and imagined myself handling the situation with strength and a clear head. I came up with alternate birth plans for several different what-ifs, got myself to a place where I felt I would still be in charge even if things were not my original ideal, and put it all aside. Then I focused on exactly what I wanted for this birth, having gotten what I DIDN'T want out of the way, and that's what I've been focusing on ever since.

You are a strong, brave, warrior woman. You can have an empowering birth experience! You can heal past wounds and move forward with confidence. You just have to believe in yourself!

(I also agree that it's not too late to hire a doula, and by the way you talk about your husband, I would definitely go for it. You can probably find a doula who will give you a reduced rate, since you won't be having the prenatal visits that would otherwise be included in the fee.)

Best of luck to you, mama, I'll be thinking of you!