or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Queer Parenting › I miss being (actively) queer...
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

I miss being (actively) queer... - Page 2

post #21 of 46
Wanted to give a and also recommend a book. This book really won't solve any problems, but it is a voice to the many bisexual people in the world and may help you sort out your own thoughts and feelings. "Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World" by Robyn Ochs (it's on Amazon.com for $13.95). I am reading it right now for one of my women's studies classes and it is basically a collection of stories from bisexual people who share many of the same feelings that you expressed in your post. There is also a list of resources and online venues in the back.
post #22 of 46
As another bisexual woman married to a man I can tell you that I too feel this invisibility. I hate the assumed sexuality part.

I had my sister almost yell at me in exasperation why I still said I was bisexual since I was married and hadn't been with any women in over 10 years.

I asked her if she was still straight even though she hadn't had sex in a couple of years. She said OF COURSE!

I said exactly, and so am I.

I think part of it is that bisexuals just don't "fit" into the black and white categories of the world.

If we're with a woman we're assumed gay. If we're with a man we're assumed straight.

I think part of what you are struggling with though is just a loss of who you were that just comes with motherhood. We aren't who we were before children. We do change. Now we are who we are AND we are someone's mother. And motherhood carries responsibilities that we didn't have before.

I could go out and go dancing until 3 am 3 nights a week before I had the kids. Now, I'd like to go dancing more, but definately not 3 nights a week. I'd like to hang out with bagels and a cuppa on sunday midmorning, but by midmorning sunday now I've been up at least 2 hours and I've fed and watered everyone in the house. And I don't want to bring 3 kids with me to the coffee house. KWIM?

Is it the loss of who you where that you miss? Or the uncomfortableness with you you are now? Or an uncomfortableness with who you are percieved to be?

I know for me it's who I am percieved to me that makes me uncomfortable. I want to jump up and down and say I'M NOT STRAIGHT!
post #23 of 46
I'm glad you've gotten some good responses. Just wanted to offer some sympathy and a hug!
post #24 of 46
You are not alone. I'm married to a man and that has really kept me from exploring that very present, very large part of myself that wants a loving, intimate, passionate, and commited with another woman. I never had the chance to explore that prior to marriage, and I wonder if I made the wrong choice and should just be with a woman. I had a girlfriend but she is now just a kind of distant friend. If I were single and free, I could have given her the sort of relationship she wants and deserves. From the start, she didn't seem to believe our relationship could last forever. I thought I could prove her wrong by showing her all the love I could, but she proved herself right.

All I can say is that I wish all of us lonely mamas could get together. I had a nurse flirt with me the other day and that made me feel better about my ability to still be attractive to other women, but it's so hard to find a woman willing to share love with a married woman and be committed. I'm trying to be open, knowing that if it's meant to be it will happen, but living "the straight life" feels like a life of self denial. At this point, I would settle for an online relationship if anybody is interested.

Kat
post #25 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pynki View Post
As another bisexual woman married to a man I can tell you that I too feel this invisibility. I hate the assumed sexuality part.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pynki View Post
I know for me it's who I am perceived to be that makes me uncomfortable. I want to jump up and down and say I'M NOT STRAIGHT!
:

That drives me bonkers, too. Assumptions are not my friends.
post #26 of 46

just wanted to send a hug.
I just saw this post, and identify in so many ways.
I came out as queer at 13 and then had my first relationship with a man at 19. I was married for a while, and am now in another relationship with a man. I hate feeling like the stereotype for a teenage "exploration" phase.
I am still queer, and feel like I am somehow hiding that when I don't actively talk about it.
aaahhh

sorry to make this about me.
It was just to say, I appreciate you articulating this.
post #27 of 46
Hugs and support to you! I can completely relate to your situation. If you ever need to talk, pm me anytime.
post #28 of 46
I am straight and found this through new posts.

But I could still relate to much of what you said, even though I obviously cannot really understand on an experiential level.

I think that being a SAHM really changes our identity for a few years in a dramatic way, and that's for heterosexual women. I cannot imagine how intense it would be for a woman who was a part of the lesbian community -- that sounds like it would be so incredibly hard and isolating.

I just wanted to reach out and offer you my support and cyberhugs.
post #29 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by Treasuremapper View Post
I am straight and found this through new posts.

But I could still relate to much of what you said, even though I obviously cannot really understand on an experiential level.

I think that being a SAHM really changes our identity for a few years in a dramatic way, and that's for heterosexual women. I cannot imagine how intense it would be for a woman who was a part of the lesbian community -- that sounds like it would be so incredibly hard and isolating.

I just wanted to reach out and offer you my support and cyberhugs.
:
I often mourn my old life and fantasize about my ex, I think it is normal. I am glad that you have an understanding DP that allows you the comfort to be so open with him!
post #30 of 46
I relate and i mourn at times too. I am glad to see so many responses....
post #31 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by Treasuremapper View Post
I am straight and found this through new posts.

But I could still relate to much of what you said, even though I obviously cannot really understand on an experiential level.

I think that being a SAHM really changes our identity for a few years in a dramatic way, and that's for heterosexual women. I cannot imagine how intense it would be for a woman who was a part of the lesbian community -- that sounds like it would be so incredibly hard and isolating.

I just wanted to reach out and offer you my support and cyberhugs.
:
I read your post the other day and have been thinking about it. I am straight and I share many of your feelings about loss of identity. Part of our being able to both work part time and being somewhere "safe" for our dd to grow up meant moving to a small town. I miss my city life, my city self, my old habits and haunts. And I must say it is boring around here. Everyone goes to church, is white, straight and has to be home in time to cook their husbands dinner. I am a straight, white pagan and I miss diversity, damn it! I know that having a child would have changed my circle of friends and lifestyle anyway, but moving here has made me feel very disconnected to my old self in a more extreme way. Anyway, good luck to you and know that your feelings make sense to many of us.

post #32 of 46
s i hear you mama. i have similar kinds of identity issues...tho mine spring from a newly purchased minivan more than anything else
post #33 of 46
Bi Any Other Name is also a good book on this topic. Can't remember the author at this moment.
post #34 of 46
I used to be in a place similar to yours... the monogamously married "invisible bi" woman. It is tough, especially in suburban mommy world where everyone is presumed straight. And I can totally relate to fearing exclusion from the Lesbian Community - like you're a sell-out and a breeder and you no longer qualify for admission.

But who is the membership committee? Who is guarding the door?

As a bi woman, I kind of carried an imaginary Lesbian Membership Committee around in my head, and believed that "real lesbians" would (and maybe should) judge and exclude me for my attraction to men, my sexual history, my ability/willingness to pass in the straight world, my het privilege.

Making actual lesbian/bi friends -- especially lesbian/bi moms -- really helped me, because friendships are built on affection and understanding between individuals. Real people, not philosophical/political alliances. If you're monogamous, you don't get to sleep with these friends, but they can still keep you in touch with your queer self.
post #35 of 46
Wow...I could have written your post. I am also a strongly woman-identified bi woman in a long-term (married, with child) relationship with a man. I love my dh and I am certainly not planning on breaking up my family, but I definitely feel that isolation from the queer community. I hate passing. I hate the assumption of heterosexuality. When I see a lesbian mom at the park (this has happened, like, twice), it's all I can do not to run up and hurl myself at her feet and say, "Me too! Me too!" I would love to connect with other queer women, but I don't really know how to do it. I have a bunch of gay friends, but all male (go figure).

I'm kinda thinking of seeing if dh wants to take dd to a Pride parade this year...but then I think I'd feel like a huge poser b/c I'd be there with my husband and kid (of course, I'd be sure to put her in an appropriate queer-friendly t-shirt ).

I saw a t-shirt on CafePress--"I'm not as straight as I look"--I feel like I need to get one and wear it all the time. Sigh.

Sorry, this is a little rambly and incoherent. But I hear you. Completely.

We should have an MDC bi mamas meet-up.

ETA: My complete agreement with you extends to your signature as well. Let me amend my previous statement: we should have a meet-up for grammar-obsessed bi mamas.
post #36 of 46

to add my 2 cents

Love isn't a feeling-it's a decision. The blessings and graces that come into your life and your children's lives will only be evident over a long time. Get up every day and decide to love your husband, your life, ....into the next generation and to others will the results spill. Avoid that which leads to tempting thoughts.
post #37 of 46
I think I understand a little of what you are going through. I've never been involved in the gay/bi community, though most of my friends are gay/bi, but I've always been attracted to both men and women and identified as bi. I hardly dated as a teenager and became involved in my current relationship (with a man) at 19. I love him and I know I want to be with him, but I am strongly drawn to women - I don't even have any male friends - and I can't help but feel some regret and loss that I won't be able to have that kind of intimacy with a woman.. because I am thinking that my BF and I going to be together 'forever'. We already have a marital-type relationship and are probably going to have a family someday. I can't imagine being with anyone else and our relationship is so solid.. but.. I am not tempted to cheat, but I am attracted to women I know.

I don't share my sexual identity with many people because people are just.. weird about it. I'm young and a lot of girls my age only date men but identify as bi and engage in sexual acts with women, often with the approvel of their male SO. There's a fetishized view in my generation of being bi or lesbian which I don't like.. I like regular, commited, monogamous relationships, and I don't think it's appropriate for women to treat other women like toys they can 'les out' with in front of men.. I hear about that happening a lot.

My BF knows and I think he feels somewhat threatened by it (although it's not like it's a big deal day to day).
post #38 of 46
Just wanted to add another "I totally identify" post - I always wondered if I was the only one who felt this way...nice to know there are others.
post #39 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by somanythings View Post
Just wanted to add another "I totally identify" post - I always wondered if I was the only one who felt this way...nice to know there are others.
:
post #40 of 46
I've been wanting to register for awhile now but didn't have the courage. As I'm a very crunchy mama and I enjoy the simple and frugal things in life, however I needed another place to land when I had issues such as sexuality, marriage ect and find mama's to understand.

I just wanted to say I struggle everyday with this. I'm terrible sorry women like us have to feel so alone and struggle.

I wish I could be ME again. But it's not that easy, simple or realistic right now.

I've been out as a bisexual woman. My dh knew I was with women when we married, but unfair to him and myself I thought that stage of my life was behind me. 3 years ago I fell in love with my bestfriend. Things fell apart, my dh agreed to a poly relationship. That fell apart and my dh punched me with his moral words. I then went back into hiding of being ME. I then came out as a lesbian. Fell in love with my bestfriend again...moved out and began the process of divorce. Something brought my dh and I back together. I'm not trying to write a book or take over your post in any way but I wanted to just say that I relate.

I really do. I want to have that part of me back and I can't openly. I'm happy with my husband, our children we have and our home. I just would really love to openly have a girlfriend too. He is no longer understanding and supportive and I have to hide it.

I guess the worst part is I have my sister, my mom and my good friend who all support me hiding ME from anyone else but want me to be happy. I can't find others to understand the difficulty and seeing this post brought alot of reality to my heart and made me feel so less alone. Thank You.

So from one married queer mama to another.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Queer Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Queer Parenting › I miss being (actively) queer...