Daughter's friend (long)

[JaneyD]

Whew, what a year! My daugher started middle school this year as a 7th grader, and has become friends with a girl in her class. This girl has a very difficult life...abuse, no father on scene, living in a motel at the moment...its a very different life than my daughter has. Earlier this year, she was caught bringing pot to school. She was supended for that, although the police were not invovled.

It sounds like she is a "bad" kid, but she's actually very sweet. She has spent a lot of time over at our house, and I think its nice for her to have a stable environment to hang out in. I run a pretty tight ship, and I'm really sure that my daughter has not experimented with drugs or alcohol yet.

The latest: I was reading my daughter's email (with her permission) and found that this girl is going to Planned parenthood to get birth control. Now I'm not really surprised about this. She needs an extreme amount of validation, and constantly looks to boys for approval. I understand why, given her background, but I am sorry this is happening at such a young age.

She has asked my daughter to go with her to PP for support. Her grandfather will be there (he is her taxi service) and according to my daughter, her mother knows and has given permission). I don't think my daughter needs to get this involved. I am happy she is being supportive, but I am uncomfortable with this.

Would you let her go? Why, or why not? Thanks!

[Aubergine68]

I would let her go, probably, but only if she wanted to and only if I went too. If she were uncomfortable, I'd tell her she didn't have to go.

If she went, I'd offer myself as a taxi service (nonjudgemental of the dd's friend, but there for the teachable moment with my daughter.)

[Openskyheart]

Hmmm...I don't think I'd let her go. My daughter is in the 6th grade, and I have son who's an 8th grader. I'm trying to just check in with my gut feelings, and my first instinct is if this were my dd, I'd say no. Now I'm trying to figure out exactly why I'd say no. I think it's this: First, I just think she's too young. If she were a few years older, even 14 maybe, I'd be more inclined to say yes. Second, I'd be uncomfortable with my dd getting information on birth control at such a young age without me there. Third, I'd be concerned that letting my dd go would contribute to normalizing the idea of 12 year olds on birth control - concerned that she'd start to think it was an O.K. idea for her too. I'm not talking exactly about peer pressure, or saying that your dd's friend would pressure her into getting bc too. But that the fact that her friend is getting it, and being so involved in the process of getting the bc might plant a seed in her own mind that being on bc at 12 is fine, and why shouldn't she start thinking about it too, etc. It's just how we humans work. We love our friends, and accept what they do, and what they do influences what we do, and what we do influences what they do - KWIM?

I really feel for your dd's friend, and I hope you're able to work this out with your dd in a way that feels right for both of you.

[Jessy1019]

I'd definitely let her go and support her friend. I might offer to drive -- also non-judgmentally -- but would let my daughter go either way.

My dd is five and she's already done volunteer work for PP with me. We'd be doing a lot more if the one in our area performed abortions, too.

[sunkissedmumma67]

I would not allow my daughter to go! Your daughter is at a very impressionable stage in her life. I think thats just plain sick, a girl getting birth control in middle school. I wouldn't even allow my daughter (who is 14) to associate with a girl like that! Because no matter how good you have raised your daughter, no matter how good of morals you have instilled in her, many, if not most kids at this age will follow their friends instead of their parents. I have a 19 year old son, in college and hes always telling me how the majority of middle and high school girls are just so immoral. He knows I'm very strict about certain things with my daughters and he still says mom be very careful about who their friends are!

[karne]

One way to think of it might be that while you don't pass judgement on your dd's friend (and it sounds like she's making a responsible choice for herself), you would prefer that she not be part of the trip to pp because it doesn't fit with what you are comfortable having her do/experience. Who knows, dd may be a bit scared by all of this, needing someone to set a compassionate limit, and welcome the "out". It's always possible to support her friend in other ways, ie have her back to the house for dinner or just some girl time, maybe just make yourself available if she ever needs to talk, etc. Is there anyone else in this girl's life who could go to pp with her?

If your dd really insists that this is important to her, than I second offering to drive. I know I would. I would just worry that one kids emotional stuff might be overwhelming for another kid (yours), and it can be so easy at that age to be caught up in the drama. It sounds like you're the mom who would be ther for your daughter if she needed, and that's awesome. So great that she could even bring this to you-kudos.

[ananas]

I would let her go. It sounds like this girl needs a good, positive influence and also support. I'd probably even offer to take her myself.

[frontierpsych]

I would let her go, but really use this as a learning experience. This is something that can be either very helpful to her perceptions or very hurtful, and it really boils down to your involvement. On the one hand, you could let her go and she ends up thinking BC (and therefore sex) at 12 is, or should be, normal, or on the other hand you could still let her go, but explain that sex at 12 is (insert personal opinion of sex at 12 here) but that because her friend chose this path, it is wise for her to be on birth control, to avoid pregnancy. It would also be a good opportunity to open some dialogue and learn her opinions of sexuality and her friend's actions.
Or of course you could choose not to let her go, that is your right as well. I am just giving my opinion.

[cinnamongrrl]

Holy cow! I was still playing with dolls sometimes when I was in 7th grade. There is no way I would want my dd at age 12 to be involved with the girl you describe. And there is no way I'd be supportive of this girl's quest for birth control either, because most likely in the case of her "sex life", it is statuatory rape or just plain rape. I just don't buy the whole thing-- mentally healthy, "sweet" seventh graders are not out looking for sex. I'd be very suspicious that her grandfather is molesting/raping her and maybe he wants her on birth control for that reason.

We become like the people we are friends with. If you have a problem with your 12 year old having sex and doing drugs, you might want to squash this friendship before things go very wrong for your dd.

[homemademomma]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

I'd definitely let her go and support her friend. I might offer to drive -- also non-judgmentally -- but would let my daughter go either way.

My dd is five and she's already done volunteer work for PP with me. We'd be doing a lot more if the one in our area performed abortions, too.

i am reading this wrong, right? you would let your 5yo volunteer at an abortion clinic?? NOT an abortion debate, but don't you think it is kind of inaproppriate and awkward for everyone involved for a small child to be working at an abortion clinic? and i fail to see how it could be beneficial to a young child to have to know about this kind of thing at such an early age. it is a very complex and adult topic IMO.

[barbara73069]

Let her go

I like the idea of letting her go if she wants to and you taking them both. It's a great opportunity to talk to them about sharing their bodies, emotional maturity, committment, safe sex etc. I think it would be a great teaching moment for both girls. JMO, Barb

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by homemademomma

i am reading this wrong, right? you would let your 5yo volunteer at an abortion clinic?? NOT an abortion debate, but don't you think it is kind of inaproppriate and awkward for everyone involved for a small child to be working at an abortion clinic? and i fail to see how it could be beneficial to a young child to have to know about this kind of thing at such an early age. it is a very complex and adult topic IMO.

Like I said, PP doesn't perform abortions here. The last thing we did was go door to door at local businesses, passing around brochures about the women's health services that the local clinic offers. If PP were performing abortions, I would definitely involve my daughter (and son) in distributing information about that, participating in visibility events, and any kind of volunteering we could do in the clinic without making people uncomfortable. My daughter has known about abortion since she was two . . . I want her to always grow up knowing that it's an option available to us and one that must be protected. It's not a complex topic for our family at all.

[UnschoolnMa]

I would let her go. We'd talk about what was happening, her thoughts and mine, etc. Maybe I would tag along, maybe not.

[mtiger]

I just asked my kids (14 & 16). My 14 yo said that she'd go to support her friend in being responsible, even though she thinks 12yo kids shouldn't be having sex. My 16yo looked at me and said "wait - 12? TWELVE? Are you nuts?"

[the_lissa]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

I'd definitely let her go and support her friend. I might offer to drive -- also non-judgmentally -- but would let my daughter go either way.

Exactly.

I went with many friends to planned parenthood to get bc.

[transformed]

I think I would let my daughter go. I wouldn't want to hinder the development of the kinds of character your daughter obviously has. She is compassionate, and a good friend.

How could a mother ask for anything more? :

That said, my kid is 2, to easy for me to say huh?

Tell me 2 doesn't last forever BTW please. :

[transformed]

Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl

Holy cow! I was still playing with dolls sometimes when I was in 7th grade. There is no way I would want my dd at age 12 to be involved with the girl you describe. And there is no way I'd be supportive of this girl's quest for birth control either, because most likely in the case of her "sex life", it is statuatory rape or just plain rape. I just don't buy the whole thing-- mentally healthy, "sweet" seventh graders are not out looking for sex. I'd be very suspicious that her grandfather is molesting/raping her and maybe he wants her on birth control for that reason.
We become like the people we are friends with. If you have a problem with your 12 year old having sex adrugs, you might want to nd doing squash this friendship before things go very wrong for your dd.

Is this post a joke?

[karne]

Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl

most likely in the case of her "sex life", it is statuatory rape or just plain rape. I just don't buy the whole thing-- mentally healthy, "sweet" seventh graders are not out looking for sex. I'd be very suspicious that her grandfather is molesting/raping her and maybe he wants her on birth control for that reason.

Good points and they deserve careful consideration. I wonder what the OP thinks of this?

[frontierpsych]

Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl

We become like the people we are friends with. If you have a problem with your 12 year old having sex and doing drugs, you might want to squash this friendship before things go very wrong for your dd.

I don't find that to be true at all. Please give people more credit than that. I have friends that did things I would never do, and friends who would never do the things I have done. I don't think that "squashing" a friendship is respectful of either girl as a human being. It is important to talk to your kids. Ask them about their values. You may find that they don't always reflect those of their peers. They are, after all, individuals, capable of thinking for themselves. Having a friend who makes poor decisions does not mean the OP's daughter is doomed to do the same any more than hanging out with abstainent straight-edge kids will guarantee her DD never has sex or does drugs.

[boobybunny]

Originally Posted by sunkissedmumma67

I would not allow my daughter to go! Your daughter is at a very impressionable stage in her life. I think thats just plain sick, a girl getting birth control in middle school. I wouldn't even allow my daughter (who is 14) to associate with a girl like that! Because no matter how good you have raised your daughter, no matter how good of morals you have instilled in her, many, if not most kids at this age will follow their friends instead of their parents. I have a 19 year old son, in college and hes always telling me how the majority of middle and high school girls are just so immoral. He knows I'm very strict about certain things with my daughters and he still says mom be very careful about who their friends are!

Wow.. are you always so judgemental. A girl getting birth control AT ANY AGE is the mature and responsible thing to do.

Sex is not immoral. Being prepared to prevent pregnancy is not immoral. Judging this young woman, who has by account seen more about the dark side of life, for taking the steps to protect herself is immoral.

This young woman, with the support of her friend, going to get birth control might just stop her from having sex. And her friend, the OP's daughter is not going to somehow "immoral" because she was being a good friend.