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Daughter's friend (long) - Page 2

post #21 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl View Post
Holy cow! I was still playing with dolls sometimes when I was in 7th grade. There is no way I would want my dd at age 12 to be involved with the girl you describe. And there is no way I'd be supportive of this girl's quest for birth control either, because most likely in the case of her "sex life", it is statuatory rape or just plain rape. I just don't buy the whole thing-- mentally healthy, "sweet" seventh graders are not out looking for sex. I'd be very suspicious that her grandfather is molesting/raping her and maybe he wants her on birth control for that reason.

We become like the people we are friends with. If you have a problem with your 12 year old having sex and doing drugs, you might want to squash this friendship before things go very wrong for your dd.
Quote:
Originally Posted by transformed View Post
Is this post a joke?
:
post #22 of 63
I would not let my 12 yo go to PP. I do not want to encourage my kids to have sex at an early age, and I would fear that allowing her to go would do that.
post #23 of 63
I don't appreciate having my post called "a joke", Transformed. Is your post a joke? Is it okay to have an opinion here, or only if you say so, Transformed?

Lay off of me. The poster asked for advice, and I gave it. You have no right calling my posts a joke because I don't have the same opinion as you.
post #24 of 63
And you too, Shaina. Lay off of me. I have the right to express my opinion, just like you.
post #25 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl View Post
We become like the people we are friends with. If you have a problem with your 12 year old having sex and doing drugs, you might want to squash this friendship before things go very wrong for your dd.
And maybe the other kids will become like the OP's dd. It's not always the "bad" influence that wins.
post #26 of 63
If the influence goes both ways, then maybe the OP's dd could convince her friend to give up sex and drugs, instead of supporting her in illegal activities.
post #27 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl View Post
I don't appreciate having my post called "a joke", Transformed. Is your post a joke? Is it okay to have an opinion here, or only if you say so, Transformed?

Lay off of me. The poster asked for advice, and I gave it. You have no right calling my posts a joke because I don't have the same opinion as you.
I apologize.
post #28 of 63
I'm not judging the girl. I'm judging the behavior, (using drugs at such a young age, having sex at such a young age.) It's very sad. Usually girls become sexually active at young ages because they are not getting the love and attention they need at home, (sounds like thats probally the case with this girl) or because they have been sexually molested. This girl does need help, but not from another child. Adults need to step in, possible get authorities involved if it's that bad. I've always told my kids to help others, but helping this girl would be an adult stepping up and helping change her life for the better, not encouraging or just going along with her bad decisions,(such as getting on birth control and having sex at 12). If you truely care about this girl you tell her that having sex at her age is not whats best for her. You don't just support it! You be supportative in other ways!
post #29 of 63
Wow! In my opinion there is some really out there judgement going on in this thread. :

I'd prefer that my 14 year old Dd not be involved in a sexual relationship right now for a variety of reasons, and we've discussed them and will continue to do so. That doesn't mean that every single sexually active 7th grader or teen is being molested, raped, or is mentally unstable. Also, there are many people who do not appreciate sexuality being equated with automatic immorality.
post #30 of 63
sex isn't wrong, and being prepared is fantastic - but being prepared to say no and having the confidence to not feel any less about herself if a guy insults her for "not putting out" is the real kind of preparation she needs. and luckily your daughter may be in a position to help her with this.
post #31 of 63
putting on flame proof unders


I don't discount who my dd hangs with. I can not imagine how she could not be influenced by a friend getting bc at the age of 12 and being there to hold her hand at pp. Really, think about it- 12 years old. It has nothing to do with pp either. For instance, if the friend was going there for bc to help with wicked periods, I wouldn't mind. Intent matters to me. My dd knows about pp. In fact, dd is pro-choice, causing her much grief at her christian school. She takes the heat rather well though.

Drugs and sex at that young of age are of huge concern to me. Those are not things I want my dd involved in nor be around other kids who are into those things. In saying that I acknowledge some of my family's values. Don't know why that would be something to be slammed for. My job to steer my child as best I can and then, when they reach maturity, have the strength to let them go to find their own way.
post #32 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone View Post
putting on flame proof unders .


Can you tell me where to buy these please?

Honestly, I have been thinking so much about this, and while I wish I could be very, very non-judgemental about the scenario, in truth, I wouldn't wish for my dd to be involved in this. Like I said in a pp, I would wish to find other ares in which I or my dd could be supportive, but this feels too young to be involved with someone else's sexual decision-making. I agree with a pp who said the answer for this child is not the support of another child.
post #33 of 63
Sex at 12. If this isn't something that you can say that you don't agree with without being judgemental then what on earth can you??? What is the point of role models, or friends for that matter if they aren't going to tell you when you have a dumb idea? You can certainly stand your ground and be surrounded by PEERS of varying characters, but I've yet to see middle school girl FRIENDS who did not come to some middle common ground. Mine are still little and right now I want to lock them in their bedrooms and hide the key! The poster is the mom, not the friend. Surely, the responsibility is different. As I have told my 5 year old son, good friends bring out the best in each other, they don't just go along with each other's bad ideas (in his case like throwing sand on a girl in class.) I'm not against sex but sex at 12- oh my!
I just edited for a punctuation goof and realized that at 12 this probably isn't a pre-sex bc visit. What a messy situation! I would try and talk with the girl and try and talk her out of it but say pretty clearly that she should certainly be sure to keep using condoms!!! And get the cervical cancer vax.
Please take all of this with a grain of salt. I'm clearly out of my league. Off to breathe into a paper bag!
post #34 of 63
JaneyD - I just reread your post (as I'm sure is true of most, if not all of us who've read your dilemma, I've been thinking about it). In your original post, you said that you have a feeling that your dd does not need to get this involved with the girl's activities. I think you should trust that feeling. There are mamas who've posted on this thread who have said they would feel comfortable with their own dd's going to PP with the friend - If they asked for opinions, I would advise them to trust their feelings, and let their daughter go (after checking to make sure that the daughter didn't really want me to say no - that happens too).

I've never gone wrong by trusting my mom's intuition, which in my case often comes in the form of uncomfortable feelings. My head says, "yeah, but the girl is so sweet, and I don't want her to feel we're judgmental toward her, etc." But in my gut, I feel uncomfortable. I only go wrong when I ingnore that gut feeling. As many of the responders have said, you can support your daughter, support this girl, and do all of it non-judgmentally, while still trusting yourself and your parenting instincts. Like I said, if you genuinely felt it was a fine thing to do to let your dd go along to PP, I would likewise say to trust your feelings. In this case, you don't feel that way. Trust yourself.
post #35 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl View Post
mentally healthy, "sweet" seventh graders are not out looking for sex. I'd be very suspicious that her grandfather is molesting/raping her and maybe he wants her on birth control for that reason.
It might not be the best decision to be sexually active at 12, but I think it is inappropriate to say that this girl isn't mentally healthy or sweet. I also think it is a long stretch to think someone is molesting her. A sexually knowledgable second grader - maybe. But the girl in question is in 7th grade. Not what many moms may plan for their dds, but not so young as to assume a molestation issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl
We become like the people we are friends with. If you have a problem with your 12 year old having sex and doing drugs, you might want to squash this friendship before things go very wrong for your dd.
I strongly disagree with this statement! I was the designated driver in high school, went to more parties than I can count, and in four years had a total of two beers. Once cussed a friend up one side and down the other for doing drugs (I wish it had been just pot) in the back of my van. Went along to be moral support for a friend who had an abortion and needed to go back for a check up. Dated a number of guys who did drugs - some "heavy" drugs - and I've never so much as smoked a cigarette. Helped friends who were in abusive situations. And never made any of those choices in my own life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl View Post
If the influence goes both ways, then maybe the OP's dd could convince her friend to give up sex and drugs, instead of supporting her in illegal activities.
I believe the situation the OP is asking advice about is her dd's friend's trip to PP. I don't think it is illegal for a girl to get birth control. I am actually really impressed that she wants to be responsible - many kids are too embarrassed to get birth control and end up in a hard situation because of it.

OP, I'd have a discussion with my dd, but would let her go if she wanted to.
post #36 of 63
As a mom of a nearly 15 year old, I would say NO NO NO. She has had friends like this, I love her compassion,her openess (a lot like her mom but she also needs tons of support to take care of HERSELF.She is a teen, a did herself and needs my support to guide and nurture and allow her not to grow up too fast. This is boundaries. I do not feel this is appropriate at this young of age. I am currently busy allowing my dd to be a fun teen, do fun active stuff. Caretaking role is fine IN BALANCE.She needs to tons of support and guidance around reciprocity. Sallie
post #37 of 63
I would let her go. If you hadn't known about it from the e-mail she might have gone anyway. Now you even have a chance to ask her what they said there and tell her your opinion about it.
I would not let her take the pill because of side effects but if they hand out condoms there for example why not.

When I was that age I went to a place like that for fun cause I heard they give our free condoms and I had never seen one, I went with a male friend, it was so funny, we were just friends and so young and they probably thought we needed the condoms ourselves so they gave us plenty for free, was a good idea to go together, so funny. We never planned to use them.
We just found it funny and played with them, or putting them somewhere outside to shock people passing by and hiding and laughing about their reactions. Keeping some at home in a hidden place, just because they were something special to have.

By going there we learned that there are places like that, that help young people who need help with sexuality issues, who give free advice and it was nice to know something like that existed and we learned what condoms look like and that it is important to worry about getting pregnant too early.
post #38 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
If PP were performing abortions, I would definitely involve my daughter (and son) in distributing information about that, participating in visibility events, and any kind of volunteering we could do in the clinic without making people uncomfortable. My daughter has known about abortion since she was two . . . I want her to always grow up knowing that it's an option available to us and one that must be protected. It's not a complex topic for our family at all.
wow. all i can say is that i strongly disagree. i am very prochoice, but jeez. i dont want my kids thinking about that stuff.
post #39 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post


I strongly disagree with this statement! I was the designated driver in high school, went to more parties than I can count, and in four years had a total of two beers. Once cussed a friend up one side and down the other for doing drugs (I wish it had been just pot) in the back of my van. Went along to be moral support for a friend who had an abortion and needed to go back for a check up. Dated a number of guys who did drugs - some "heavy" drugs - and I've never so much as smoked a cigarette. Helped friends who were in abusive situations. And never made any of those choices in my own life.


.
ITA. I had a friend that had sex at 13 or so. I had friends who were into drugs.

I most definitely believe you can be friends with someone without doing drugs and having sex if they are.
post #40 of 63
I had a friend who started having sex at 12 or 13 or so. She also seemed to be doing it because of poor self esteem and looking to boys to give her life meaning. It certainly did not inspire me to follow in her footsteps. I felt pretty bad for her, actually.
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