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Daughter's friend (long) - Page 3

post #41 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by KYCat View Post
And get the cervical cancer vax.
I'm sorry, are you talking about the HPV vaccine? It is NOT a cervical cancer vaccine.
post #42 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunkissedmumma67 View Post
I would not allow my daughter to go! Your daughter is at a very impressionable stage in her life. I think thats just plain sick, a girl getting birth control in middle school. I wouldn't even allow my daughter (who is 14) to associate with a girl like that! Because no matter how good you have raised your daughter, no matter how good of morals you have instilled in her, many, if not most kids at this age will follow their friends instead of their parents.
But the previous poster says she trusts her daughter, plus her daughter is being very honest with her. It is possible that her daughter will follow this other girl and do the same thing and maybe in an unconscious way is trying to alert her mother to something going on with "herself" by telling her what her "friend" is currently in to regarding drugs and now sex. Maybe she's afraid to tell her mother herself and is using her friend to get the point across. You never know, BUT the original poster says she trusts her daughter and if she trusts her I see no reason to not let her support her friend.

However, peer pressure does get tough beginning in 6/7th grade and I'd watch my child closely if they had a friend like this. I'd much rather encourage my child to be around kids that study all the time, get involved in sports or school activities than one that is involved in drugs, living in a hotel and going on birth control. But as a parent you just do the best you can. I personally would not allow my child around a kid like this. You can be the best parent in the world, talking to your child, best friends, not best friends, doesn't matter and they will make their own choices and sometimes they will be the wrong choices and they will hide them from the parents if they want to. You just never know when they will do things. That's the hardest part about being a parent IMO.
post #43 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by frontierpsych View Post
I'm sorry, are you talking about the HPV vaccine? It is NOT a cervical cancer vaccine.
Sure it is!

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Hpv/STDFact-HPV-vaccine.htm

It helps to prevent certain types of cerv cancer.
post #44 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy View Post
And maybe the other kids will become like the OP's dd. It's not always the "bad" influence that wins.
But that's highly unlikely. Anyone who has been a teen that has gone through hard times themselves or known people who did go through them knows what it's like. It's either hang with the people you fit in the best with or be alone. Some kids feel they have to hang with the bad kids because none of the good kids have anything to do with them. The bad kids generally are not going to change and that's been proven over the years. So it's definitely more likely that the bad kid will sway the original poster's child in to doing the same things she is doing at some point down the road.

I'd encourage a child this young to find different avenues to get new friends. Get her involved in a church group, a school group through sports or other activities. Help your child find out that there ARE other kids out there and other things she could be doing with her time other than wasting it on a friend that has a hard life. No one is responsible for that other girl's life except herself and her own family. It's not up to the original poster's child to try and help this other child get through her life or help her change. They are BOTH just young children who still need parental guidance at this point.
post #45 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
My dd is five and she's already done volunteer work for PP with me. We'd be doing a lot more if the one in our area performed abortions, too.
But this is something you are doing with your child as their parent. You might feel differently when your DD is 15 and wants to hang with the girl in school with the worst reputation. Think about it. When girls this age are together and one of them lives a life full of negativity or drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever, then it will be a major topic of discussion and what they are doing while alone together. How is that a good influence for anyone? Why is a 12 yr old girl supposed to be pushed in to taking on the enormity of a relationship such as this? Her parents should be pushing her to be a good kid and make good choices in life and having a friend like this is not such a good choice right now. It's not her place to feel sorry for this other kid and hang with her in "hopes" of changing her, changing her to what? The other 12 yr old doesn't know enough about life YET to know what to be like?
post #46 of 63
Some of you are just off the charts!

A 5 year old at an abortion clinic? Seriously?

A preteen having sex automatically = being molested/mentally ill?



Anyway...

OP:

It is your choice as a parent to decide if you are okay with this or not. If you feel like it is a battle worth fighting, then do. Clearly some of the posters on this thread should not be giving you advice. I say decide for your self.
post #47 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Openskyheart View Post
Third, I'd be concerned that letting my dd go would contribute to normalizing the idea of 12 year olds on birth control - concerned that she'd start to think it was an O.K. idea for her too. I'm not talking exactly about peer pressure, or saying that your dd's friend would pressure her into getting bc too.
This is the thing that gets me. No amount of talk, imo, can be as influential as actually seeing a peer go to get parent-sanctioned birth control.

I have the same issue with my son hanging around in homes where the parents and older teen smoke. He isn't smoking, but he's witnessing it as an everyday ordindary adult behavior, rather than something odd and gross.

The problem with this reason is the teen finds it condescending to be told he doesn't totally have control over his own mind. I can't give him this reason, and yet, it is my reason.
post #48 of 63
I would provide my sexually active teens with birth control or access to birth control. I have some concerns about hormones in BC pills, but that doesn't mean I would prohibit them... it just means we would discuss and research the options. I would also make sure there were condoms available.

Also, for a family that is pro-choice and does volunteer work at a clinic I fail to see a problem in taking a child along as you do that work. So long as your supervisor at the clinic is fine with the child being present...so what? I'd take my kid along to do volunteer work at a soup kitchen or animal shelter too.
post #49 of 63
I
Quote:
would provide my sexually active teens with birth control or access to birth control. I have some concerns about hormones in BC pills, but that doesn't mean I would prohibit them... it just means we would discuss and research the options. I would also make sure there were condoms available.
As would I, Unschoolnma, in a heartbeat. But that's not the issue the OP was dealing with. Her dd (to the best of her knowledge) is not yet sexually active, but is being asked to go along with a friend to a BC clinic. This is also not a teen we're talking about, but a 12 year old child. That is a different issue altogether to me. If I was in the particular situation, and my 12 year old dd wanted to go to a BC clinic with a friend under these exact circumstances, I would be uncomfortable with that, and would most likely say no. I would have to trust my feelings on this one. The OP said that she felt she should say no, but then was questioning her decision. IMO, she should trust herself, and her mama's instincts. If they were telling her it was fine to let her dd go to the clinic with her friend, then that would also be a different story - but she's not. Anyway, it's a tough situation. I think the dd, and the OP can be true to the OP's feelings, while still being compassionate and helpful to this girl.
post #50 of 63
I am putting my personal feelings aside about pp and birthcontrol...

I worry about the friend wanting your dd to take bc, too. I worry about your dd feeling pressured to have sex since her friend is. I do think your dd maybe a good example for the friend if your dd is not sexually active. Of course, it is your dd's decision, I just hope she doesn't feel pressured to be like her friend.

Another thought... I had some friends that were pretty smart in how to fool their parents. They would talk to their moms about their friend having sex. Saying their friend wanted to go to PP. Mom would let them go with friend. It was really THEM that was having sex, not the friend, and were looking for a way to be able to get bc pills, not the friend. This way they can say they were holding the pills for their friend so they didn't get into trouble if they were found by mom. And mom knows they were at pp, so they didn't get into trouble if it was later discovered. I just wanted to put that out there. Are you sure it isn't your dd who is wanting bc, using the friend and friends gf as a front?
post #51 of 63
The op said that the other girl asked her dd to go along......how does your dd feel about it? Is she comfortable going? Does she feel prepared to be a support person for her friend in this area?

I had a friend that looked to me for support with her sexuality when we were teens. I was *so uncomfortable*, and really not able to help her. It would have been much better for both of us if she had had a trusted adult to help her, rather than another young teen--especially another teen who was personally unready for the issue.
post #52 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy68 View Post
Sure it is!

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Hpv/STDFact-HPV-vaccine.htm

It helps to prevent certain types of cerv cancer.
Yes, but that doesn't make it a cervical cancer vaccine. You are vaccinating against HPV, not against cervical cancer.
post #53 of 63
Thread Starter 
OP here. You all have certainly given a lot of perspectives here, and I want you to know that I very much appreciate the time you took to share your views.

And just as an aside, I'm not sure where the 12 year old thing came from...my dd is 13, and her friend is 14. However, as far as I'm concerned, that really doesn't matter, as I consider all of it too young.

I appreciate the concern for my daughter that I feel here. Many of you have echoed my own thoughts, espcially the poster who wrote about how their own dd was a caretaker, and needed support of her own. This describes my daughter to a tee. And yes, I'm absoutely sure that it is her friend, not her, who wants the bc.

I am a little curious how you would go about limiting this frienship. I do not let them go out together, like to the mall, or things like that (actually, I don't let her go to the mall with anyone, not just this girl...I see no point in it) I suppose i could forbid phone contact, and not let this girl come over to our house, but they would see each other at school anyway every day. I'm not sure how I could do that, in a practical way.

And my daughter does have other great friends, who are at a more similar development level. She is great in school, and has played soccer for years. She is well balanced and happy.

I have decided not to let her go to PP. I am simply going to tell her that it is not her responsibility, and that we need to let her mother and the girl take care of this themselves. I also will stress how sex is not a good idea when you are so young...the consequences are hardly ever good. I will phrase it in a way that emphasizes my concern for her friend, and how I don't want her to be hurt anymore than she already has been in life.

In a way, I am angry with this girl. My daughter has never had to think about things like this before, and now she is really no longer innocent. However, that is neither here nor there, I guess, as it is done now. We have had some good talks on the subject, I just wish we could have waited a little longer.

Thanks for the insights.
post #54 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone View Post
My dd knows about pp. In fact, dd is pro-choice, causing her much grief at her christian school. She takes the heat rather well though.
What the hell is going on in seventh grade??? Not that there's a problem with your daughter knowing anything about ending a pregnancy or even having a stance on it, but why is it even an issue in 7th grade? Why would her stance even be known to the other kids?

Birth control? Pot? I remember seventh grade. It was 13 years ago, but I remember. It wasn't like this.
post #55 of 63
It's quite surprising what goes on with many 7th grade students. If you met my group of friends you would be shocked. We all smoked cigs, most tried pot, alcohol was far from a stranger, and MANY were having sex. Some with other young boys, but most with older boys/men. I knew a few girls on bcp in 8th grade, one had that implant thing in her arm I forget what its called (Norplant I think?) but it was later stopped being implanted. I am 29 now. I don't think its a new thing.
post #56 of 63
The general age in 7th grade is 12 so that is probably where people are getting that idea... I went to PP/Community Health Center to get bcp and condoms when I was 14 and I was neither abused nor approval seeking. I just wanted to have sex and give myself the best chance of not getting pregnant or a disease. I'm not saying that everyone is ready then but all these assumptions about people who chose to have sex early are a little ridiculous. I hope my daughter doesn't have sex that early (doesn't everyone want their kids to stay kids) but if she takes the initiative to get protected I will at least be happy about that.

To the posters talking about "bad" kids and reputations and such...that attitude irritates me to no end. Doing things that others don't agree with but which are not hurting others is not bad and reputations gained from that are not a concern of mine. I would honestly rather have my daughter having sex and being supportive and kind rather than being like some of the judgemental "christian" kids I knew. Funnily, I had the 3rd worst reputation (yes some of the kids ranked us) in my small highschool as a freshmen and this was before I had had sex with anyone. "Bad reputations" are cruel and ridiculous.
post #57 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantaja View Post
What the hell is going on in seventh grade??? Not that there's a problem with your daughter knowing anything about ending a pregnancy or even having a stance on it, but why is it even an issue in 7th grade? Why would her stance even be known to the other kids?

Birth control? Pot? I remember seventh grade. It was 13 years ago, but I remember. It wasn't like this.
It's changed a lot in the last few years, unfortunately. My sister (who's 17) was in a few classes in 6th grade with a pregnant girl. I (21) had a friend in 8th grade get pregnant. And at least half the kids at my high school had tried pot before they got there.

I realise this differs from area to area. One kid who transferred to my school from Texas said there was only one kid at his old high school who smoked pot, and everyone thought he was scary.

So, you're child's friend is 14? Not a great age to be having sex, IMO, but much better than 12. Each year of adolescence is an eternity. (Which is why age difference makes so much difference in dating-- 22 yo dating a 28 yo is perfectly acceptable, but 12 yo dating an 18 yo? See where I'm going with this?)

I hope you can come to a decision that both you and your daughter feel comfortable with.
post #58 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantaja View Post
What the hell is going on in seventh grade??? Not that there's a problem with your daughter knowing anything about ending a pregnancy or even having a stance on it, but why is it even an issue in 7th grade? Why would her stance even be known to the other kids?

Birth control? Pot? I remember seventh grade. It was 13 years ago, but I remember. It wasn't like this.
Mine was (though not with me, but it was all around me) and that was nineteen years ago.
post #59 of 63
It wasn't the norm when I was in 7th grade 15 years ago, but it was not unheard of. I knew a couple people who had sex and smoked pot.

I agree with Poppymama's post.
post #60 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
The general age in 7th grade is 12 so that is probably where people are getting that idea... I went to PP/Community Health Center to get bcp and condoms when I was 14 and I was neither abused nor approval seeking. I just wanted to have sex and give myself the best chance of not getting pregnant or a disease. I'm not saying that everyone is ready then but all these assumptions about people who chose to have sex early are a little ridiculous. I hope my daughter doesn't have sex that early (doesn't everyone want their kids to stay kids) but if she takes the initiative to get protected I will at least be happy about that.
I agree 100%
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