12 year old body image..and me

[cutekid]

I am the step mother of a 12 year old girl. I haven't really thought about body image wiht her because she's so confident. To me she just a slightly overwieght girl and it doesn't really matter.
HOWEVER, I just recently started a weight loss program. I have some issues with my own body and so I am on the road to winning my body back. I weigh and measure all of my food and scrutinize most of what eat.
Now here's the problem. Recently she asked me how to lose weight. I told her she only needed a healthy diet and more exercise. This is precisely what i am doing except I am using calorie counting to ensure I loose weight. I am afraid she's going to see me pouring over my food and how closely I am monitoring my diet and think its o kay for her to do.
When I was her age I did all kinds of crazy things to be "thin", and never was. I was always overweight. I even took my moms diet pills...the ones loaded with ephedra and chromium. I don't want this to be her.
Is there anyway I can explain what i am doing to her (if she asks) in a way that wouldn't make her feel as though she needs to be on a diet. She knows I have some serious body image issues..her dad and I argue about my problems A LOT..especially when I have to get dressed.

So how can I be a more healthy role model for my 12 year old step daughter. She'll be staying with us for the majority of her summer break.

BTW< I am significantly overweight..I am 5ft 2inches at 190lbs.

[Marysmama]

You know, since you do think she is slightly overweight, then perhaps her desire to lose some pounds isn't irrational.

If I were you, I would give her a common sense approach. I would determine her BMI and try to figure out how much she should lose. Then have her keep a food diary for a week. A week of her normal eating. After the week sit down and take a look at what she's eating. Look and see where she can cut some things out. She might be eating a candy bar everyday after school. Send her with a cheese stick and an apple instead. Perhaps she drink a sugary soda everyday as well. Have her drink water instead. Often times teens just need to cut out the crap and throw in a walk here and there.

I also think you should try and stop obsessing in front of her.

[mammal_mama]

What about keeping mainly healthy foods in the house, and taking walks and exercising together this summer?

How long do you plan to continue with the food-measuring? 'Cause I just think it's bound to get old for you, too, after a while.

I can understand that you'd like to motivate yourself by reducing your calories enough to get the ball rolling. But pretty soon, I think you'll want to start taking the same advice that you're giving your step-daughter.

It might mean a slower weight-loss than the calorie-counting -- but, in the long run, it'll be weight-loss that you're more likely to maintain.

But I can't say that I'm an expert at weight-loss. I once lost a drastic amount of weight in a very short time, only to gain it all back, plus more. So I'm more of an expert on what doesn't work (at least for me) than what does work.

I hope you get some advice that helps!

[cutekid]

Let me address some things.
My DSD hasn't been here since I started watching my food intake more closely. I am concerned though as to "how to hide it" (this for lack of a better term)

I like the food diary idea, but I don't know that BMI for a 12 girl would be accurate. Does anyone know. I think she is interested in being in better shape, but I don't know how to approach the subject in a way that is healthy for a girl her age.

As for myself. I am calorie counting right now because it lets me see how much I eat, and how my body feels eating a certain number of calories. How different foods effect my hunger levels ect. I wish I could be one of those people who could just live on estimating the "health" in food but I am not.
I do see keeping my calorie intake vs calorie burn as a long term part of my life style. Do I know how long I will have to measure and weigh things before I know how to eye ball an appropriate portion NO!! I have poor judgment in that area.

I can attest to what doesn't work when it comes to weight loss and weight gain.

[kriket]

I wouldn't hide it from her, If she's curious, arm her with the tools and let her go! she will probably lose interest after a while. I know they have child BMI charts. Maybe include her in your exercises? I used to "burn it with Jane Fonda" with my mom when I was about 12

[CarrieMF]

My DSD hasn't been here since I started watching my food intake more closely. I am concerned though as to "how to hide it" (this for lack of a better term)

hiding it will make it worse for both you & her. I would just show her healthy ways to eat & exercise with her.

how long have you been watching your food? By the summer you should be pretty good at eyeballing it

[NiteNicole]

If she asks why you do it that way, tell her you need help learning how to eat moderatly. I am on a weigh and measure food plan for just exactly that reason. What is a "portion"? Heck if I know. I was just so far off in the weeds I'd forgotten. Maybe I never knew.

I grew up with a mom who was always on a diet. Food was either good or bad, she was either off or on. "On" was never eating and that was good, "off" was eating everything and that was bad. I can remember asking how many calories were in my apple juice, considering the house we were living in I must have been four. I am very overweight and have struggled with my weight all my life. Sometimes my packed lunch was a pear and a diet drink. Sometimes it was a sandwich, chips, snack cake, and soda. I never knew. Bad day? Let's be bad and eat cake. Skipped lunch? Good for you! My weight consumes me, even when I am thin.

Now I have a daughter. I don't want her to waste her energy thinking about being fat. There are better things to think about. At the same time, I don't want her to have to be fat. It's hard. It sucks. Even if other people are nice to you, it's hard INSIDE. At least it was for me. There are things I never tried, even when thin, becuse I felt fat. I am not very fat because I always thought I was fat anyway (even when I was not), so what's another order of fries? There are so many things I missed.

We keep healthy food in the house. She can have cake at birthday parties, she can have chocolate at Easter, she can have a cookie at Nana's. I offer her healthy things when she's hungry. If she she stops eating, I throw it out or package it up for later. I don't nag. I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT MY BODY IN FRONT OF HER. I WILL NEVER CALL MYSELF FAT IN HER HEARING. I WILL NEVER COMMENT ON SOMEONE ELSE'S WEIGHT IN HER HEARING. Never. If she starts to gain weight, we'll walk together. I'll tinker with our diet as a family.

I would not not not encourage your dsd to keep a journal or diary or start looking into BMI or numbers unless she is seriously overweight and has really poor eating habits. Take her on walks with you. Prepare healthy food for the whole family. Encourage her to avoid fast food. I wouldn't talk about diet. If there's something you notice (like she drinks a lot of soda or snacks a lot late at night), I'd try everything in the world to offer an alternative or break the habit or distract her from it WITHOUT connecting it to weight.

These are just my thoughts. I know my mom really did try to spare me from weight problems, but she just sort of set me off in the other direction. This is how I wish she'd handled it with me.

[Gwendolyn's babies]

could she join a weight loss program designed for kids? She might enjoy it and it would be curtailed to her needs. afterall, she is still a kid.

[frontierpsych]

You know, this is one of the things I fear most about parenting

No advice, but s

DH's family tends to be overweight, and my family tends towards eating disorders or OCD (which often go hand in hand). I am preparing to be in your shoes-- I just hope a healthy lifestyle and healthy self-image will be enough.

[mntnmom]

Find an activity to do together. Hiking etc. Something really ACTIVE. This will help you both gain an appreciation for what your body can DO, beyond how it looks. And help burn *extra* calories, toward a HEALTHY body.

I've been "the chubby one" my whole life. I will never be thin, but I am trying to be healthier.

[mtiger]

To me she just a slightly overwieght girl and it doesn't really matter.

It's also an age when a lot of kids - girls AND boys - pudge up some prior to a growth spurt. I'd stay away from any sort of "diet" for her and just keep it to healthy foods and lots of activity.

[cutekid]

I think I am going to have to relax. I have about two months before she's here for an several weeks (9 weeks or so).
I really do want to spare her the "diet" attitude. I don't know how many times I have dieted. To be quiet honest I have dieted myself fat...lol. I don't want this to be her and i don't think I should be bringing attention to her body.

I did find a website that showed the daily calorie intake for a child her age, and since I will be measuring my food, and my DP's (I have secretly decided he doesn't need to eat 5 portions of freezer fish) I might just do the whole families for fun. Kind of make the summer a "healthy life style" theme. Not so much this food is bad or that food is bad. One thing that might make food "bad" though is my DSS has digestive problems (hasn't been diagnosed) I suspect its an issue that might need some serious changes in diet. (no gluten, sugar, or dairy) We find out in about two weeks what it is wrong with him.

My DSD does want to play Volleyball next year in Middle school. I thought about signing her up for a camp and going to the local pool this summer and playing. There's also lots of hiking trails where I live and I most certainly want to take advantage of these. Without it being "exercise" KWIM??? My DP has lots of plans for camping. So again another chance for being active without it being a forced workout.

I am going to have to let this poor perception of my body go in the closet while she's here. I don't think its good for her to hear a female role modle have the kind of issues I have. So I will be walking a fine line.

One thing I have noticed with calorie counting is that food lasts longer in my house. If I am only eating one serving at a time..a 4 serving meal lasts me 4 days. I give my DS half a serving of everything I feed him, just because that's what he'll eat.

Thanks ladies for your input.

[mtiger]

Summer is an excellent time to eat more healthily. Lots of fresh produce, and grilling is a great low-fat way of cooking. Have your SD help you with meal planning, utilizing things that are in season.

[thixle]

Originally Posted by mtiger

It's also an age when a lot of kids - girls AND boys - pudge up some prior to a growth spurt. I'd stay away from any sort of "diet" for her and just keep it to healthy foods and lots of activity.

:
I was a "fat" preteen... anyway, I hit a growth spurt the summer before before 6th grade, and shot up 7" and lost 40 lbs by the time school started.
Kids are supposed to be pudgy, and as long as they aren't eating/drinking JUNK, then that pudge is healthy.

just hang in there, stock your house with healthy food and have something to do that is active everyday. Relax.

[Roar]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT MY BODY IN FRONT OF HER. I WILL NEVER CALL MYSELF FAT IN HER HEARING. I WILL NEVER COMMENT ON SOMEONE ELSE'S WEIGHT IN HER HEARING. Never. If she starts to gain weight, we'll walk together. I'll tinker with our diet as a family.

That deserved repeating. The thing that concerned me most about the original post was the comment that there is family tension or arguing about weight. I would strongly urge the original poster to stop this entirely. It isn't good for anyone involved.

Also, I think it is worth noting that it is quite common for preteen girls to gain a bit of weight as they are headed toward puberty. It isn't a sign a girl is going to be overweight forever nor is it a sign she should go on a diet.

[Openskyheart]

I love your summer of Healthy Lifestyle plan, and I concur with Roar and NiteNicole that one of the best things you can do for your DSD, but more importantly for yourself is to stop the discounting of your self and your body.

I am not overweight, but I have been in the past, and I keep it in check by watching what I eat. Sometimes, I cut back, weigh, measure, etc., and my dd will notice. I explain to her that I am not "dieting" so much as getting my healthy diet back on track - since it went off track when I was overeating. Eating the right amount of calories for your body is not the same thing as dieting.

This is an issue that is near and dear to me since I once had a secret eating disorder - no one but me ever knew about it. My dd is a serious ballet student, and in ballet, even very thin girls can try to get even thinner. She and I have been talking about these issues and ideas for a long time - she first asked me if she was "fat" when she was 7 - and she's always been thin!. In fact, it was her asking me that question that woke me up, and made me realize that I just had to stop talking about my body in a negative way around her, and I also had to stop doing it around myself! She has never said anything negative about her body since then, and in fact, has a very good body image now. We haven't hit the teen years yet, but so far, so good.

I wish you a happy, healthy summer with your family.

[cutekid]

Originally Posted by Openskyheart

I am not overweight, but I have been in the past, and I keep it in check by watching what I eat. Sometimes, I cut back, weigh, measure, etc., and my dd will notice. I explain to her that I am not "dieting" so much as getting my healthy diet back on track - since it went off track when I was overeating. Eating the right amount of calories for your body is not the same thing as dieting.

T

I like your explanation about your diet. I don't want to appear as I am on some sort of diet. I don't feel like I am. I am eating the recommended amount of calories for a person of my size and activity to loose about a 1lb of body fat a week. I really feel like its not a diet, I have to work to eat the right amount of calories.