Scared

[spookymama]

Some of you may know that I've had an off and off leak of water for a couple of days. It normally only happens when I pee, so I was convincing myself that it was not a leak. But simply baby kicking my bladder.

I bought some litmus paper a few days ago, and tested. That time, it came out greenish. I decided to test again this morning and guess what? . The freakin' thing is blue. Dark blue. Positive for fluid.

I am now at +4 days. I am not comfortable going forward anymore with a known leak. I really want the baby to come on his/her time line, but I just don't think that is going to be possible.

I am going to try some castor oil after I finish this to start things going naturally. If this doesn't work by the afternoon, we'll be headed to the hospital. I am terrified. Losing our UC and losing our home birth is frightening enough. But I am scared, truly honestly scared, of getting cut open again.

I seem to attract those who barely became doctors when I go to hospitals, and I've gotten screwed over more than a few times.

I want this LO to be okay. I want us to be okay. It's so hard to see passed my fear, when nothing is coming out the way that I imagined that it would. :/ I am also feeling very very resentful towards my family. They've been gunning for a hospital birth all along, and if this labor does not kick start that is where I am going to be headed.

I just feel like they are all going to be "so grateful" that i am going. Something that they've been 'praying' for, and will all feel so much better about. But not giving any consideration to how we feel about it, how much of a disappointment that it would be.. they only consider their wants and wishes.

.

[mkmama]

Oh wow. I have been following that you've had a leak...and i don't know what i would do. I also didn't remember that you are a VBAC-er like me.
My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you can write our your feelings safely here, and give yourself some time to grieve. I know its taken me 2 years to grieve the birth of DS. But i had wished I wasn't so stubborn and had done what was best for us and not what "i wanted". I am glad you are putting safety first even tho there is resentment towards family and fear towards the hospital. I pray for peace for you today...and I pray that you will be given wisdom and perfect love which casts out fear...

Please do update us if you can. Maybe if they break your water completely at least you won't need a c-s.

You will be holding your LO soon!

[JunipersMom]

Just remember that they can not do surgery on you without your approval. Try and do some good visualization, meditation (or praying on it), and really try to find your center before you make the decision to go in. You can make a hospital birth a wonderful birth.. you just need to first grip the idea that it is really happening, mourn the birth you envisioned, and then prepare yourself to be in the most kind frame of mind you can muster so you can birth your baby in positivity in spite of the circumstances. Your baby can feel you ~ make her/him your partner in your birth experience.
And just to throw this out there... if your not showing any signs of infection, and babe is still moving around really good ~ you really could wait it out at home. I would push vitamin C and absolutely NOTHING goes in the vagina. pH can change from all kinds of stuff...

[treehuggermama]

Just as pp said they cannot do anything to you without your consent. And if you show up at the hospital in labor according to the Emergency Medical Treatment and Active Labor Act they must look after you and the baby (I thought I would mention that because although an OB could refuse to care for you if you didn't agree to things they cannot once you enter the hospital). I would also be sure to have a support person/DP/DH with you if possible to help advocate for you so that once you are in laborland there is someone there to act on your behalf.

I hope the castor oil kick starts you labor and that you have a beautiful and peaceful VBAC.

[Bokoto]

I'm so sorry things are not going according to plan so far. But like others have said, even if you end up in the hospital, you can still have a wonderful, peaceful birth. Just stay adamant about your needs, and make sure your birth team is on your side. Good luck!

[spookymama]

Originally Posted by mkmama

Oh wow. I have been following that you've had a leak...and i don't know what i would do. I also didn't remember that you are a VBAC-er like me.
My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you can write our your feelings safely here, and give yourself some time to grieve. I know its taken me 2 years to grieve the birth of DS. But i had wished I wasn't so stubborn and had done what was best for us and not what "i wanted". I am glad you are putting safety first even tho there is resentment towards family and fear towards the hospital. I pray for peace for you today...and I pray that you will be given wisdom and perfect love which casts out fear...

Please do update us if you can. Maybe if they break your water completely at least you won't need a c-s.

You will be holding your LO soon!

thank you so much

[spookymama]

Originally Posted by JunipersMom

Just remember that they can not do surgery on you without your approval. Try and do some good visualization, meditation (or praying on it), and really try to find your center before you make the decision to go in. You can make a hospital birth a wonderful birth.. you just need to first grip the idea that it is really happening, mourn the birth you envisioned, and then prepare yourself to be in the most kind frame of mind you can muster so you can birth your baby in positivity in spite of the circumstances. Your baby can feel you ~ make her/him your partner in your birth experience.
And just to throw this out there... if your not showing any signs of infection, and babe is still moving around really good ~ you really could wait it out at home. I would push vitamin C and absolutely NOTHING goes in the vagina. pH can change from all kinds of stuff...

Thank you for the reminder. If I do have to go, I know that we can make it a positive experience. It's just so hard to wrap my mind around when it was not that way with our first.. and we so wanted a peaceful homebirth this time.

The only reason I am freaked is because the baby seems to be moving less. otherwise, I'd be happy to sit and wait it out at home.

[Chinese Pistache]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you're following your gut and that is the most important. If your family can't be supportive right now (I know how that is!), then, don't tell them. Go to the hospital and put your energies into having your baby without that baggage. Hoping you see your lo soon!

[Goddess3_2005]

I'm so sorry your going through this. I can say I somewhat understand. I scared to show up for my induction today. Sending you peaceful labor vibes.

Oh- Go get some Goldenseal tincture. Its pretty harsh(I don't think much more than castor oil), but it will get labor going from what I have read.

[Ironica]

Before you go... read salt_phoenix's thread "I think I've sprung a leak." It's a looooong one, so just skip through for her updates. Her water broke at I think almost 33 weeks, and she gave up her homebirth to go live in the hospital until baby was born (three weeks later). What's inspiring is how calmly and gracefully she refused their routines and policies, and just stayed there so that if her baby was born early, and needed help, it was right there. (Her home was an hour from a NICU, so she didn't feel safe having a preemie at home.)

You gotta follow the mama instinct. If your family has actually literally been praying for you to have to go to the hospital, that's really quite awful of them. :-/ I'm sorry they're so against you and hoping for you and/or your baby to have health issues. And I wouldn't think amiss of you if you TOLD them so!

[chely7425]

I hope things go well for you and that they can get your labor started easily...

LOTS of positive thoughts for you and your LO

[~ATenthMuse~]

No advice to give, just .

[Datura]

:

[kjoy2]

Sending lots of love your way for a beautiful outcome, no matter the circumstances.

[MissAnnThrope]

I hope things are going well.

[ChristyH]

s mama! We're thinking about you

[ZoshaMosha]

I hope you're doing well.

[BensMom]

I'm so sorry! And I totally understand about the family. My ILs would be tickled pink if something caused us to go to the hospital. :

My thoughts will be with you for the most peaceful birth you can have and healthy vibes to everyone!

[scifimama]

lotsa coming your way. i hope that everything works out for you to have a birth that's as pleasant as possible. ((sending you hugs and strength vibes!!))

[spookymama]

Update

Okay..

I am back from the hospital, and I am still pregnant!

Went in because of my temp, and fluid. When I got there, both were fine. I showed no signs of a leak, and my temp was perfect. They ordered an ultrasound which was fine.. found out baby is head down and doing okay.

Thought that meant I could just go home... ha! They were waiting on labs, and while waiting on labs baby was just re-active. Heartbeat didnt move much in variation. this meant they wanted a BPP. Fine.

I was flat on my back for 30 minutes. Around the last 5 minutes I was offered juice to see if we could get the baby move more. Well, it worked, but only so well because they only gave a score of 6 to 10. Apparently because the baby as not practice breathing. The resident who was over looking most of the work was on the phone most of the time, and had the attitude if she didn't see it, it didn't happen.

Got back, got on the strip. heart beat was showing variation. My blood pressure was way down to normal . It was 137/80 when I came in. When I was relaxed it was 120/70.

TOLD me they were going to induce me. The guy seemed surprised when I told him no. Had his supervisor come in to scare me into induction. She said i was hyper tensive, clearly I *wasnt*. Then she gave my dates as a reason. Hello, I am 40 weeks! Then after that, she gave the failing the BPP, and discounted the strip afterwards showing improvement.

She wanted to cut me open, and didn't see why I wouldn't consent to induction. My bishop score was low, it's not medically needed.. mmmh. Tough call there.
Got a bunch of scare tatics on how if anything happened, it would be all my fault.

Even though I pointed out the risk for induction was GREAT, and they had not bothered to throw any of that at me. The response was.. "well, there is risk to everything.. and we can't promise.. but there is more of a risk in your case.."

I ended up signing out AMA, which they hated. I had to sign a paper saying they weren't responsible if something happened to the baby, or I turned Pre-clamptic. (There was no protein in my urine, no swelling, no head ache, no sudden weight gain, BP came down... come on!)

So here I am. Thank you so much for you well wishes.. Please keep us in your thoughts until this little person is here!