when you disagree... long, includes a vent

[gardenmommy]

I just need a place to vent this, and perhaps pick up a few ideas for keeping myself from inserting my foot into my oral orifice, lol.

My SIL is pregnant (just found out, but she is nearly 6 months along, a long story), and has a baby one month younger than my babe (so her babe is 10 mo.).

She is not very crunchy, but not totally mainstream either. She is fairly open to suggestions, but I hesitate to say much, as I don't want to correct her, or criticize her parenting, iykwim.

Here is part of my struggle: what she is feeding my niece, which is *everything*. Seriously. French fries, cake, past. milk, juice, peanut butter, orange cheesy crackers, frosting, pasta, bread, everything. She isn't nursing anymore, or maybe only once a day, as she says her milk has dried up. I think she is open to tandem nursing once the new baby is born. I just feel awful that my niece is eating such crappy foods. I don't know what to say without being judgmental, so I haven't said anything, really.

The other thing that bothers me is that she seems to have a fundamental lack of respect for her baby as a separate individual. I know she loves her, but she feels like the baby should be able to sleep alone, play alone, not fuss overmuch, etc. When SIL complains about baby being (fill in the blank with the problem), it just seems to me to be a normal baby issue, not something particularly out of the ordinary. SIL seems to have a very harsh tone with baby for very small things. EX. today we were at the park, and baby grabbed for SIL's sandwich. Instead of just moving her hands away with a gentle redirection, she strongly said "NO!". I don't know. We ate with them the other night, and my niece sat in her high chair for the entire time we were there. I took her out and held her, because she was getting fussy.

I know my SIL is feeling tired and overwhelmed at the thought of two babies so close together. I would be too! I know she loves my niece. I am just bothered by the attitude that niece is crying because she is a brat, manipulative, or whatever. She is a BABY! She needs to cry because she doesn't have words to express her upset feelings. SIL says niece won't eat anything else, so she feeds her junk.

I have very gently tried to tell her that it's ok for babies to not eat much until they are past their first birthday, that it's ok for her to switch to formula (heck, I think our raw cow milk is better than the past. milk she's using). I offered to pump extra for her (she thought that was way too weird, although she didn't actually say that, lol!). I guess I just wish I could help her see that the choices she is making are not in her or my niece's best interests.

Oh, and I did give her a gift sub. to Mothering, but it has since expired. I am going to renew it in the next few weeks, as I have some extra $$.


Sorry for the novel, thanks for reading this! If you have any book rec.s I would really appreciate it, or any other suggestions.

[bigknitwit]

Ugh - it's so difficult to watch these things when you know the consequences of those foods. I often find myself sitting back and repeating to myself, "not my baby, not my baby." And then I find people are most open to new information if I lead by example, and without "offering" advice. I answer questions openly, but I try very hard not to use them as a stepping stone for a nutrition lecture. I would just focus hard on leading with the best example you can especially when the two of you are together.

[Rachel J.]

Originally Posted by bigknitwit

Ugh - it's so difficult to watch these things when you know the consequences of those foods. I often find myself sitting back and repeating to myself, "not my baby, not my baby." And then I find people are most open to new information if I lead by example, and without "offering" advice. I answer questions openly, but I try very hard not to use them as a stepping stone for a nutrition lecture. I would just focus hard on leading with the best example you can especially when the two of you are together.

:

Do you all get together often? You mentioned that your lo's are about the same age. Could you bring or prepare extra of the healthy foods you offer your lo (aside from the breastmilk ) and offer them to share them with your niece?

In regards to the treatment of her dd, maybe some empathy followed by, a short description of how you've handled a similar situation with your lo. For instance, if your SIL complains about her dd being bratty and too needy while she's trying to get dinner ready (cause who hasn't experienced the dinnertime fussys) then maybe you could respond with, "Yeah, it's really hard to get dinner ready when the little ones are so tired and hungry at the end of the day. Sometimes I find wearing my lo on my back while making dinner settles him/her down and lets me get the food ready. Or sometimes I'll offer some small pieces of banana/avocado/cooked carrot or hamburger that I'm cooking up for dinner and let him/her snack and play with it. Seems to keep lo occupied and give her a needed snack." I find myself doing that sort of thing a lot with my mainstream friends. One friend told me that she had to give her 4.5 yo a few spanks one morning because he wouldn't clean his room right away and then made a rude, arrgh, noise at her She may have given him a warning or something, I know she told him that she doesn't make those rude noises at him and he shouldn't make them at her. I just responded with, "Yeah, Sebastian has been making that noise a lot lately, too. I just say, sounds like you're really frustrated and angry about having to pick up your room now. Let's go do it together." My ds isn't the most well-behaved but people are usually pretty impressed by his verbal expression of his emotional state But I digress... sometimes I also play kinda dumb. Like with the formula thing (she's giving her 10mo pasturized cow's milk?). I would probably say, "Oh, did your pediatrician recommend starting cow's milk early? Since I just breastfeed my lo I'm not sure but I could have sworn that I'd heard they were supposed to have formula until at least 12 months? I don't know if either of these suggestions will help with her but I hope so s

[quietserena]

The 'not my kid, not my kid' mantra does come in handy...

[Shazer]

Wow, my babe is 14 months and in the past two weeks has finally started eating food. So I'm really surprised that your SIL is kind of force-feeding her babe junk. Maybe you could go armed with literature on the nutritional needs of such a young child from KellyMom or Mothering. I know the Dr. Sears book has some info on feeding babes, as do lots of other baby books. Some babies are very fussy about foods and it takes repeated attempts to get them to eat stuff. My LO will only eat squash, for instance, if I mix it in ground beef.

Lastly, it isn't being judgmental if you are concerned for the health of her baby. I think your concern shows how much you love your family.

[gardenmommy]

Thank you! It is helpful to just feel validated in my concerns. Yes, I do share what has worked for us. It seems like a fine line between sharing what works and lecturing; I mean, I have 4 children, my niece is her first, so I don't want to come that I am the experienced mama who knows it all, and she is the newbie who knows nothing, kwim? Not only that, but I am the wacko-nut in my family. Everyone knows I am pretty far "out there" with regards to diet, health, and spiritual issues, so I feel like that colors how what I say is received. (Where did you hear that? OHHH, from M. Well, that explains a LOT! that sort of thing.)

She says the baby will not eat (insert any one of a dozen healthy items I've suggested/mentioned my DS eats). She wants bread/crackers/french fries, etc. I just want to shout "BUT SHE WILL EAT THAT IF YOU STOP OFFERING THE JUNK AND JUST LEAVE THE GOOD STUFF OUT!!!" Of course, I never do, lol. I think maybe I will print out some stuff from kellymom and Dr. Sears, and say, "hey, I was online, and look at what I found..."

She doesn't use a Dr., as she has had some very bad experiences with different docs. Which is mostly ok, because she doesn't vax, wanted to BF for much longer, and generally has pretty good common sense. I mean, we get along, I just can't understand the food thing, and I hate seeing my niece viewed as bratty/manipulative/bad/etc.

I am pretty sure niece has an ear infection, and SIL asked me what to do for it, so I helped her out there. She *really* doesn't want to use abx, which is a good thing, mostly.

The other thing that I just keep doing is 1. reminding SIL that DN is a BABY and has no words to say what is wrong. She just knows that something isn't right, and is asking for help in the best way she can. This will pass, she's doing her best, etc. 2. Every time I see DN, I tell her how sweet and special she is, how much I love her, how hard teething is, how hard it is to not have words to say what you want to say, how hard it is to not feel good, etc. I really try to validate SIL's feelings and hear her. It is hard to have a fussy baby. I try to let her know I think she is a good mom; she has a lot of baggage with her own mom.

I think SIL just doesn't have any perspective, since it's her first. Plus, having pregnant hormones doesn't help. Lack of sleep makes everything seem worse, and to top it off, my brother is working out of state just now. I wish I could do more to help her, but having 4 children of my own limits how much I can support her.

Thanks for listening ladies. I really appreciate it! If you can think of anything else, it is totally appreciated!

[Rainbow2911]

Could you make her some batches of baby suitable food for the freezer? That way she has some stuff ready to go and it won't seem like such an effort to get her off the junk?
Sounds like she is really lucky to have you there to support her.

[pampered_mom]

- I have very limited contact with my SIL because we live so far away from each other, which is probably a good thing or I'd probably feel more like you do! In my case I've pretty much discovered that having any kind of discussion along these lines with her is a waste of my time.

She's never come out and said it, but based upon what happened with all of the stuff I shared with her when she was pregnant she's clearly not interested. My SIL just loves the Ezzo books so I can only imagined what it'd be like if we got together more often!

[gardenmommy]

Well, SIL is receptive to new ideas, so I really want to keep the lines of communication open. I hate to be so "right" and make her so "wrong" that I alienate her and have no influence with her.

She *is* trying. However, she has no support for anything natural from her own family (they think she's nuts for having attempted a home birth with #1 and planning a HB with #2, breastfeeding, not vaxing, etc.). My mom is very much on the same page as I am, so we back each other up with what we tell SIL. Also, my brother is open to doing things differently from the mainstream, as long as it makes sense to him.

I think she needs more information. She is smart, and can make good choices, I know it. I have confidence in her. It is so frustrating to see her not doing the best! I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut! I do know she listens, for that I am thankful. I think she also realizes that I do things differently, because she will often ask my opinion (doesn't always do what I would do, but that's mostly ok).

Are there any other books that I am missing here? Dr. Sears, kellymom... NT is out, that is too far out there. I need to see what is in my library. I am definitely feeling more positive about the whole thing this morning. I think the sunshine and a good night's rest are helping the situation.

[quietserena]

Ok, as I read my post nnow I realize that was as unhelpful as it gets because I was sort of venting for myself. Here's a more helpful one:

Mentioning that toddlers are more likely to eat what they're familiar with than what they're not familiar with might help too. I babysit a boy who hasn't had much of the food that we eat and it's helped that he's been offered the same good food several times. I think it started to click in his head that this is good food too or something. So if her LO is refusing good food and insisting on the bad one, it might require that only good food be available for a little while. Given the choice, my daughter now would only eat bananas and potato chips, but will happily eat meat and eggs when they are available.

[Softmama]

Just chiming in to say I was very much like your SIL. and I had a SIL very much like you! and her babe was only three months older than mine. and she always seemed so calm and happy and I just kind of ended up "copying" so much of what she did. so just by being you, being with your babe, and being around your SIL you are probably influencing her much more than you know. just keep on going! I bet she is taking notice

[gardenmommy]

biknitwit, yes, I am repeating that mantra! I have a tendency to try to "fix" things like this, and really, it just isn't my responsibility. My job is to support her to be the best parent she can be, not to parent her baby for her. She doesn't need, or want, me to make those choices for her. Thank you for the reminder! I probably need to tape that to my forehead, haha!

Rachel and rainbow, I have offered to make things for her, and whatnot. SIL just says that DN won't eat that, or whatever. Yeah, I think I might have eeked her out a little with my offer to pump. I have enough milk, though, I could totally do it.

quietserena, that is what I think, too. I think that DN needs consistent exposure to good foods, and eventually, she will just prefer the good stuff. That has been my experience with all my children; it has been the case, actually, with pretty much all the children I know who eat healthy. Also, I think that sometimes, babies go in streaks. They may eat nothing but bananas for days, and then suddenly stop eating bananas. I don't think SIL understands these two concepts. I think she is thinking that if DN won't eat something just now, she doesn't like it, so she should stop offering it.

Softmama, thank you for your encouragement. It really means a lot to me. I have had several mamas who have unknowingly "mentored" me. It has been a huge help to watch other, more seasoned moms interact with their children in a respectful manner. This was such a foreign concept to me; reading about it books was nice, but seeing it in person was what made it real for me and possible for me to do with my own children. I pray for SIL every day, and just try to model the best parenting for her that I can. Please don't misunderstand me: I am not a paragon of virtue. If you look up the definition of impatient, irritable, crabby, bad mom, I am sure you will find my picture there, lol! It is only by the grace of God that I can even have a measure of self-control in my life. So thank you for your kind words.

Thank you for your "ears" and advice. It is most appreciated. I would love to hear any more thoughts, if you feel like passing them my way.

[AwakenedMama]

It is so hard to see other moms doing things that we know are harmful to kids. Just hearing about a 10 month old eating packaged cheese crackers makes me feel bad. It's so sad to me that this is the norm in our society.

I think leading by example is definitely the best thing that you can do. I didn't know about any of this stuff until after my daughter was born - and I sometimes had to hear things a few times before I really began to believe in them (like about the dangers of vaccines). You can only hope that you will introduce others to new ideas that they will consider.

I went to a seminar by Sally Fallon recently and they had some brochures about feeding babies - she suggested keeping them with you and when you a mom in a supermarket with a cart full of processed foods, to gently hand her a flier and just say that you thought she might be interested in it, that you'd learned a lot from it, or something similar.

If I'm with another child who isn't being treated respectfully by his parents, I try to model that respect and empathy - if he's crying, for example, "Oh, are you frustrated because you can't do this or that..." I, too, am no expert, but I do have some ideas to offer that a lot of moms in our society just haven't been exposed to.

This all really makes me so sad.

[gardenmommy]

Well, I tried printing out some stuff from Dr. Sears and kellymom. Apparently, I am pushy (not just pushy, f****n rude!), and I offended her. My brother called me last night and told me SIL is really mad at me, that she doesn't want anything to do with me. So I am going to apologize and pretend that I don't know her. That way, it will be easier for me to practice my mantra. I am so bummed. It really bothers me that she is feeding DN junk (which, apparently, I only see a small part of what she eats, even though SIL *told* me she fed all of the following: cheese crackers, at least 12 oz. past. milk, french fries from McD, frosting, and pizza). SIL told me DN "would have eaten the whole bag of cheese curls" if SIL had let her. It really worries me that DN isn't buckled in properly (forward facing at 10 mo., loose harness, loose carseat, twisted straps), but they've "researched" the requirements and "know what is ok".

NOT MY BABY, NOT MY BABY, NOT MY BABY...

[quietserena]

(chants along with you)

Not my baby, not my baby, not my baby..