What do you think... should I ask? - Page 2

[annethcz]

Originally Posted by Crunchy*VT*Mom

It can't be doing anything for your husband's self-esteem to have his in-laws supporting both his wife and his child.

This seems really sexist to me. I understand that gender stereotypes are alive and well in our society. But it seems really generalized and stereotypical to say that just because a family is receiving financial help from their inlaws that they should be somehow ashamed or feel less-than-stellar because of the help.

Granted, we've never been fully supported by my parents. But my parents have given us some sizable gifts over the course of our 10 year marriage. Never once was my DH offended or did he feel like he wasn't doing a good enough job providing for us. Rather, we felt grateful that I have parents who care enough about us to provide us with things we wouldn't have otherwise been able to afford.

[D_McG]

I don't think it's about sexism. If DH was a SAHD and his and my DC's lifestyle were completely funded by his parents I would feel like crap.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by D_McG

I don't think it's about sexism. If DH was a SAHD and his and my DC's lifestyle were completely funded by his parents I would feel like crap.

ITA. Iwas about to post the same thing.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

Since you're only 23, you have plenty of time for another baby. Why not wait about three years if it will keep peace?

As someone who had a second baby while dh was in grad school and working full time, I say, wait until things are more stable.

I'm sure you know that work+school+family often means something's got to give. The last thing you want to add into this mix is a brand new baby. If I'd been 23 instead of 36 when we were thinking about #2, believe me, I would *not* have chosen to have that child in the middle of dh's graduate education.

Plus, I agree with everyone who says that you should wait and see just what those job prospects might be. If your ultimate goal is to have dh supporting you as a family, that is.

Enjoy being the mother of one for a while longer!

[skylars_mama]

Wow... thank you for all your responses everyone! I've really enjoyed reading them.

Just to clear a few things up, my DH feels no shame at all in having support from my family. They have a great relationship now, and he isn't one to have his ego bruised about getting help. He doesn't have that pride thing... I think I have it a lot more than him, in fact. Also, about me saying he worked to support himself and not us... I guess that was the wrong way to put it. He only works a couple of months a year, and so he makes about 5000-6000 per year from that, which is not much of course, but it's good pay for the amount of work he does. What I meant in saying he doesn't support us with that money, is that he can't afford to pay all the rent or groceries with his income but he does put money towards it, as well as other things we all use such as gas for the car, or things for around the house. Most of the money that pays for things such as food or things for our son, comes from the support money. He does have some student loans, but he's not 100% reliant on loans. He puts his own money into his education, too.

I agree with what you all said with regards to not asking... those are all the exact things going through my head, that yes we should probably wait to see what happens with DH's job, wait until we are able to go at it on our own, etc. and you never know what will happen... then I think, yeah, thats true, but you never know what will happen either way whether you have one child or two. Even if you have a job, people get laid off, etc. or run into other problems. We'd have the same sort of issue with just DS, albeit less intense of course.

Oh and also, I don't think my family is trying to control me at all. They are very sensitive to that, in fact, and really want me to follow my own path. The reason they originally said they didn't want me to get pregnant three years ago is because they assumed I'd be going for an education or working, and they didn't want to throw another baby into that mix understandably, since they'd be paying for daycare, but mostly because they didn't want me to get too stressed out or have even more pressure on my marriage. They have since told me this, that it wasn't about finances but about good sense. But obviously now, I am not needing daycare and things are different.

[Crunchy*VT*Mom]

This seems really sexist to me.

I would give exactly the same advice to a lesbian couple...so change my previous statement to read:

"It can't be doing anything for the wage earner's self-esteem to have her in-laws supporting both her partner and her child."

One person is working to support this family, the other is staying home to raise the child...it has nothing to do with gender....although in this particular instance it IS a man who is the one out there working, so I used the gender-specific language.

The point is that until this nuclear family can support itself, they maybe should postpone growing even larger.

Just to clear a few things up, my DH feels no shame at all in having support from my family. They have a great relationship now, and he isn't one to have his ego bruised about getting help. He doesn't have that pride thing... I think I have it a lot more than him, in fact.

Skylar's Mom -- No one takes pride in asking for money...or needing to ask for money...so even if he is not saying anything about it, I would be very surprised to find out that he is not in the least bit embarrassed about it. He is just not saying it.

~Especially~ in light of the fact that he used to have a rocky relationship with your parents.

And you know yourself that it is a bit strange to ask your PARENTS if you can conceive a child with your husband...you are an adult and he is an adult...just wait a few years until you are both independent and living on your own. Then it won't be anyone else's business how many children you two choose to have.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by 1growingsprout

My
2nd concern is that as a married adult and mother of a small child you are relying on your parents for monetary support.

Dave Ramsey says never to borrow money from family. I know you're not exactly borrowing it, but I'm just nervous about what would happen if for some reason your parents stopped supporting you or if they lost their money?

I'd wait to have another baby until your husband is out of school and has a job that supports your family or you can find a job to support your family.

If the flow of money stopped suddenly, how would you make ends meet with a husband in school and two kids. Follow your heart, but be careful in your decision making.

Good luck!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by zinemama

As someone who had a second baby while dh was in grad school and working full time, I say, wait until things are more stable.

I'm sure you know that work+school+family often means something's got to give. The last thing you want to add into this mix is a brand new baby. If I'd been 23 instead of 36 when we were thinking about #2, believe me, I would *not* have chosen to have that child in the middle of dh's graduate education.

Plus, I agree with everyone who says that you should wait and see just what those job prospects might be. If your ultimate goal is to have dh supporting you as a family, that is.

Enjoy being the mother of one for a while longer!

:

[irisheyes66]

Hmmm. I'm new here, too, so I'll try to word this carefully.

You say your parents aren't trying to control you, so in light of that, I'm looking at their contribution to your (plural) support as a gift.

Now, gifts are lovely, and they have a time and a place in the big picture...but I would imagine a "gift" ceases to be a "gift" when one is dependent upon it for survival, no?

You wrote that, as an adult, you feel ridiculous for having to ask your parents if another pregnancy would be "allowed", since they 1. are supporting you (plural) and 2. made a stipulation that they would cease to contribute, should you get pregnant again. To that I say, an "adult" does not have another child unless they have the means to support said child. Life is flimsy--God forbid, but anything could happen to your parents and/or their money--where would that leave you in terms of caring for another child, if you and DH can't support the one you have now? Wouldn't it make more sense to stabilize your own family unit financially, and then consider adding to it? At 23, you're fairly young, and should have plenty of child-bearing years ahead of you.

I am of the mindset that doing for yourself is always best, because you appreciate the end results more (i.e. paying for your own education, which my sister and I both did). I left home at 16 (I'm 41 now) because I didn't want to live by my parents' rules, finishing high school while working full-time at night. It was a struggle for sure, but looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way; I know I can (and did) support myself and my daughter without leaning on anyone else. You cannot put a price on independence.

You say it is "relevant" that your parents are multi-millionaires...which makes me wonder, how is it relevant? My parents, while not as rich as yours, are extremely comfortable. They have made it known to my sister and I that should we need their help, we need only ask--and we (sis and I) have a warm, close, loving relationship with them. And yet, not once has it ever occurred to me (or her) to do so. Why? It's their money--they earned it. As an adult, I am responsible for the choices I make (and believe me, I've made my share of bad ones!) I've had some rough breaks (divorce, lost jobs, health problems, etc.), but I found a way to work through it somehow. In your situation, you would be asking them to fund (no matter how minimally) your decision to add to a family you already can't support...how can that be the fair or responsible thing to do?

Another poster mentioned your DH's pride, and how it's not possible that he isn't, on some level, embarrassed about not being able to provide for his family. I'd have to agree with that opinion, frankly. It has nothing to do with society's BS expectations (I never cared much for those, myself), and everything to do with being responsible for yourselves, as a family unit.

Please know that I am not "bashing" you...but sometimes, getting an objective viewpoint can offer an aspect you might not have considered otherwise.

Okay, I've gone on long enough I hope you take my words in the manner which they were intended--I'm just trying to be helpful.

PS--my niece's name is skylar; I did a double-take when I saw your username, because I thought my sister had found MDC and joined up!