should I let her go? - Page 2

[ani'smommy]

I would say no as well. She might be hoping you will say no, even, then she could say that she can't go because her mom won't let her.

[stayinghome]

Honor roll princess? Wow, that's harsh.

Mama, it sounds like you aren't comfortable with the situation. Have you sat down and talked with your daughter to get her feelings and opinions on the matter?

[hanno]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

For me, your reasons aren't really valid for not letting her go. Assuming she wants to go. Basically your argument is that this slacker dude isn't good enough for your honor roll princess. It's a beach trip for the day. It's not a weekend getaway to France. I let my dd choose her friends. You may not like him, but it sounds like your dd has a good head on her shoulders and is trustworthy and has a good understanding of herself and her desires in life. So I if it was me, I'd trust her to decide if she wants to go.

I'm hearing this too. And not in a name-calling kind of way. Remember, all we have to go on are the OP's choice of words.

When I read:

If you knew the guy, you'd understand. Obnoxious, arrogant, cocky, and an under achiever as far as what he wants out of life. My DD is in the top 1% of her class, national honor roll, and has a bright future ahead of her...complete with GOALS. I just want her to stay on track with her life and get her to August when he leaves for college, 5 hours away.

I feel kinda sick. Academic goals are not the only valid goals. Besides, he is going to go to college so he doesn't seem like he's headed for a life of couch potato-ing. Obnoxious, arrogant and cocky are petty rude words to call someone else's child and then get all up-in-arms when your description of your own child isn't viewed as stellar. Those descriptions could also be made in a derogatory way of a person who is self-confident and intelligent.

Probably I would discourage her from going, but it would have nothing to do with my distaste for her partner.

[robertandenith]

I don't have a teen... yet! But I was one and I have 2 daughters. My mom never EVER let me go out with friends before 18 years old. She would probably drop me off or pick me up and I was fine with that. Yeah, the boys are 18 but not your daughter. I am so glad you are saying no. I do think the response of the guy after you said no, was rude. He would've discuss it after you were gone with her as a respect to you or even your daughter's!

I understand so much about your decision and empathize with it too! Sorry but I do think he reacted like a jerk

[Alkenny]

I'll be the odd one out here and say that I'd probably let my DD go if she didn't have anything else going on.

If they're going to have sex or do drugs, they'll do it anywhere. They don't need 125 miles between you to do it. And accidents can happen anywhere too...whether it's 125 miles away or down on the corner.

The reason I wouldn't though? She has a prior commitment. That is reason enough to say no.

[mamabeca]

I'd say no for the following reasons:

1. 125 mi is too far for dh and I to 'rescue' her if she called and needed help.

2. having a prior commitment

3. gut feeling that it's out of your comfort zone.

4. he isn't being respectful about your needs in all this - that's symptomatic and could be showing that he ALSO won't honor HER needs.

5. YOU feel more comfortable with a NO, probably so do other adults involved. 16 is old enough in most states that if something happened against her will it would have to go through as a rape trial, which would SUCK for everyone. It's true that kids who want to have sex can have it behind the house at night w/out you knowing it, but I DON'T think that means to offer them the ways and means of having it w/your blessing if you don't feel comfortable with him. it's super likely that she's experimenting with this guy in all sorts of ways new to her, but that - to ME - would mean keeping her close to the homestead so that she ALWAYS has a safe place to return to with each venture out.

I didn't hear much about what your dd wants - I ASSUME that she'd prefer to go to the beach over the horse farm, or we wouldn't be talking about any of this, but DID she? Is there enough safe space for her to make a decision he doesn't like, or is she asking you to make those decisions for her?

Good luck with this guy, mama. He sounds like a doozey!

Arduinna, why stir it up - can't you figure out a nicer way to say what you want to say w/out insulting the op? Geesh.

[nonnymoose]

when I told him it probably wasn't going to happen, he argued all kinds of points with me

This is the point at which a potential suitor's welcome mat at our house would have been taken up. If he's not willing to respect your decision as the parent who has nurtured your daughter for sixteen years, why would he respect her any more? You folks that think it's fine to let your kids do whatever they want because they're teenagers, good luck. As long as my boys are living in my house, I will expect them to occasionally suffer a "no" because I have thirty-odd more years of life experience than they do. That's my job.

[hanno]

I still really question many of the respondents and the OP about why respect is a one-way street here. You tend to get what you give.
This strikes a cord with me because I heard my father in law call my brother in law (his daughter's DP) a 'nowhere man'. He is expected to be respectful of a man who says this of him. No, he didn't go to college or have a high paying job and he does have long hair. He is also a fantastic father and a loving partner. He's working out a way to work at home so he and my SIL can raise their children full time. He also speaks his mind. These are traits that I would greatly prefer over academics.

[Hippie Mama in MI]

Originally Posted by MamaLisa1

Anyway, my strong gut reaction is to say NO.

There you go. Your gut is right on, mama. Don't let your DD alone with this creep for that long!

[PassionateWriter]

I think I would trust my dd to decide what to do...sounds like she is an intelligent person. IMHO you only get so many years of control...at some point you have to allow them to make their own mistakes...and yes, those mistakes can be hurtful to watch at times..but they are necessary for life lessons.

[Fletchersmama]

I would say no. Flat out, and let him know I don't appreciate the arguments. Nicely tell him to vacate my home for arguing with me!!!
Discussion is one thing, arguing is unimaginable to me in this situation.

Either way, trust your gut

[mamabeca]

I think the OP has stated that she has never said anything disrespectful to her dd or the bf about him. I give her kudos for that! And although I think it's your gut reaction to not 'allow' her to go, what was her gut reaction (after the excitement?)? It seems like an ideal opportunity to sit down with her and talk about expectations - how much does she expect you to limit what she does? How much should you be interfeering with her decision making? These are questions kids need to work out w/their parents so that there is more communication and less conflict. kwim?

[kate3]

Honor roll princess? Wow, that's harsh.

And completely uncalled for.

From what you posted I would not let my daughter go (in that situation) for many reasons: gut feeling, his attitude, her prior committment.
Good luck.

[allgirls]

As someone who recently let her 17year old daughter go to the Dominican Republic with her 19 year old boyfriend I vote "NO" and not because I had any problem with her going..it all went well and they were fine.

But I had no gut feelings that it wasn't a good thing to do. I knew their relationship, knew him as someone who loved and respected her and would keep her as safe as possible and knew her as very cautious about things and that she would not take unnecessary risks.

Doesn't sound like you know these things about your daughter and/or her boyfriend. Trust your instinct on this.

I would strongly suggest not forbidding her outright and immediately to go but rather discussing all the reasons you are uncomfortable with it and use prior commitment as part of the discussion. I would also be very uncomfortable with the manipulative tone the boyfriend has taken and if my daughter's boyfriend ever tried to manipulate a situation that way(I'll go without you I'd immediately call him on it. It's emotional blackmail and I'd be very concerned about that kind of control being exerted on my daughter.

Good luck! Hope you can find some solution you are comfortable with.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by MamaLisa1

Frankly, I don't appreciate your sarcastic naming of my daughter as being my "honor roll princess". That was quite rude.
If you re-read what I wrote, my primary concern was this "however I only just recently started allowing him to drive with her on the highway to take her to the mall which is 25 miles away. For me to let them go off on some adventure 125 miles away is way out of my comfort zone."
The fact that he is an 18 year old jerk (who we have LET her choose to date in spite of feelings of dismay around it) are just the icing on the cake. If he weren't an obnoxious twit, would we let her go? I very seriously doubt it. It has nothing to do with her being a good kid, it has more to do with safety issues on the highway for one thing, and being with kids that I don't especially care for doesn't help.
Again...no real reason for you to be calling my daughter names...that was uncalled for.

If it was really about highway safety I doubt you would have included all the info about her honor role status and his unworthiness for her. And that was what stood out the most to me.

I really think the issue is the you don't like him, and are looking for reasons to keep them apart. Your contempt of him was pretty clear.

I am counting the weeks till he leaves

because with his history of LOVE for girls, even though her professes love for my daughter, I guarantee it won't take him long to find someone else...which is what I want to happen ultimately

what a jerk

that's on him if he wants to be a jerk like that

I'm really trying to encourage her to stay busy doing other things that do not involve him

I know they haven't had sex yet, and while I have no problem with her having premarital sex eventually, I'd just really rather it not be with him

Obnoxious, arrogant, cocky, and an under achiever as far as what he wants out of life.

Yes the majority of your post was about him and his unacceptability in your eyes.

[GooeyRN]

I wouldn't, just b/c I would be afraid of something happening. A car wreck, etc. Is an 18 year old responsible enough to get medical help, etc. I also worry if they fight, will he leave her there? What if the others decide they don't yet want to leave. Its a long way for you to have to rescue her. Thats my only concern.

Sex will happen if they want it to. Even if they are forbidden to see each other. They can get it on in school during lunch or whatever, trust me. I know a girl who got pregnant that way even though she never saw the boy outside of school. That would not be a valid reason to stop the trip imo. Nor would it be b/c I don't like the guy.

I am sure she knows your feelings about this guy. I would not point out the guys "bad" qualities. She will notice them herself in time. I would remain neutral about this guy in front of her. She already knows you don't like him. Telling her you don't like him the 1,000th time or way will not make her like him less. Whenever my parents were overly negatively opinionated about one of my boyfriends, they became the forbidden fruit. My parents opinion then mattered less to me since they were so pushy. If your girl is as smart as you say she is, she WILL see the guy for who he is in time.

[UnschoolnMa]

I'm with Ard. For all the reasons she quoted/highlighted above.

And Hanno.

[Oriole]

*** You don't approve of him, but allowing your daughter to see him, that shows me you allow your daughter to make her own choices and mistakes.

*** I'd say no to the trip, and explain why calmly and respectfully.

*** I find it ironic that people that call for you to respect your daughter's decision don't show the same in their replies here.

*** Yeah, I'm all for discussion, I'm all for understanding, and guess what, when my DSD (who is 15) gets cranky when she hears "no", she admits later on that she understands why she got told "no" later on. So Yeah... I'm with "parents have a final say" camp, as long as it's based on love and reason.

*** Throw your tomatoes my way, teenagers act impulsively, and I'm ok with parents stepping in, as long as it's not all the time, and you do allow your kids to grow and mature, which includes dealing with "no"s and not sticking around boyfriends who have no problem leaving you behind for a beach trip.

[JustOneMore]

Originally Posted by Oriole

*** Yeah, I'm all for discussion, I'm all for understanding, and guess what, when my DSD (who is 15) gets cranky when she hears "no", she admits later on that she understands why she got told "no" later on. So Yeah... I'm with "parents have a final say" camp, as long as it's based on love and reason.
*** Throw your tomatoes my way, teenagers act impulsively, and I'm ok with parents stepping in, as long as it's not all the time, and you do allow your kids to grow and mature, which includes dealing with "no"s and not sticking around boyfriends who have no problem leaving you behind for a beach trip.

THANK YOU!

[MamaLisa1]

wow Arruinna, you really took a lot of time to prove your point. True, I don't like him. True, he is all the things I said he is (if you met him, you'd understand after 10 minutes what I'm talking about), and as I said...I probably should have kept the "should I let her go" post separate from the "I can't stand the boyfriend" post, but I sort of felt they went together, as it meant that I was even less inclined to allow her to go with him after how argumentative and disrespectful he became.
That said, I asked myself and my husband..."if she were asking to go with a boy we liked (and she has a guy friend whom we ADORE...great kid!) would we still have said no?" The answer was that we still would have said no. Too many things could go wrong on a trip like that. While I feel she is maturing at a nice rate, I don't feel she is quite ready for that type of outing.

As for me thinking he is unworthy because of his lack of goals, that doesn't necessarily mean a person needs to go for a 4, 6 or 8 year degree to be deemed worthy. If he were going to a trade school, or had aspirations to be his own boss in a small business, I would think that was wonderful. He has chosen a major that gives him virtually no chances for a career, and has said many times that he doesn't care about school or grades, and that college is just about fun. I think his parents might not appreciate spending 30K a year for him to go have fun! Sure, college is about wonderful times...but if one of my children had the same outlook on it as he does, I would encourage them to stay home, work, and go to community college until they got their acts together. Anyway...I'm not sure you will understand what I am referring to even after my explanation, but while I care about him as a human being and do not wish harm to come his way, he has acted in a manner that is not deserving of kinder words in my eyes. He has made all of my children and ME cry. He has angered my husband to the point of heart palpitations and raised blood pressure. When I said he was obnoxious, arrogant, and cocky...those were truths. If I were to ask any of my daughter's friends to describe him in one word, I have a feeling their words would be far more harsh. Trust me, they've said it to me many times.
Anyway, I made my decision...she isn't going. He made his decision and he is. My second DD asked her sister tonight when she is going to find a boyfriend who treats her with respect. DD1 laughed it off and said "shut up" and play fought with her for a minute, but she knows deep down how we all feel. Now it's up to her to decide her fate. She just deserves so much more, regardless of her academic standing, or what her future holds. If she finds someone who is hardworking and treats her like an absolute princess, we will welcome into our family with open arms.