should I let her go? - Page 4

[choli]

Maybe I missed it in the thread, but what is the OP's DD's preference? Does she want to go to the beach, or does she want to stick with her previous plans?

I'd let her go if she really wants to, but if she'd prefer to stick to her other plans and was not willing to say so to the boyfriend, I'd talk to her about that.

[UnschoolnMa]

Yes, the Dd's POV would be important too. I'd hate for her to feel like she "has to" go just because she was invited or because her boyfriend wants to go.

Also, I never said I'd be comfortable in the same situation. I just think my reasons and my approach would be different.

[Meg_s]

Hmm... when I was 16 I had been to Scotland by myself, Germany with a band, and made frequent weekend trips with said band (all adult males, and me) so I might have a different perspective(there was no sexual activity, there was a lot of drinking). When I was 17 I would sometimes take the bus, sometimes drive ten hours 1 way down to New York City (from Ontario) to visit my boyfriend - usually he drive up on weekends to see me. I'd be worried about him driving, because in general I just don't trust young male drivers, but a day trip? So given my experience, it doesn't seem like a big deal to me. But every teenager is different, and I certainly had girlfriends and sisters who would not have been allowed to do those things at that age.

[PassionateWriter]

It seems like the responses were pretty mixed, in favor and against allowing the girl to go. I dont understand why this thread turned so negative b/c some actually advocated allowing the dd to make up her own mind. This is one of the major issues with posting on message boards...everyone will NOT always agree with you. You have to read the opinions and take away what YOU want...and leave the rest.

[S.Raine-Drop]

Originally Posted by Alkenny

I'll be the odd one out here and say that I'd probably let my DD go if she didn't have anything else going on.

If they're going to have sex or do drugs, they'll do it anywhere. They don't need 125 miles between you to do it. And accidents can happen anywhere too...whether it's 125 miles away or down on the corner.

The reason I wouldn't though? She has a prior commitment. That is reason enough to say no.

I pretty much agree with this post, except saying no because of her prior commitment. I say it's her choice whether or not she "blows off" other plans, she's old enough to know what the right thing to do is.

When I was 16 my mom let me go 3 hours up to Bellingham from where we lived in Federal Way with my boyfriend, on two different occasions. SO MUCH could have happened and I'm probably super lucky it didn't, because he was the WORST kind of guy you can imagine. Did every drug out there, lied about everything, drank, cheated, etc etc etc. At the time, we were semi aware but he was GOOD at what he did, and we were convinced he was "changed."

In any case, my mom was pretty lenient about what she let me do, and I was for the most part a smart girl. I never got into serious trouble, I had no help with homework and I did great in school, I had no serious attitude problems, and with the exception of one girl my mom just didn't like I always picked good friends. (That girl she didn't like was only because I got into trouble with her once when we rode our bikes super far ((for 12 year olds on bikes anyway)) and I fell off and my mom had to drive out to come get us.. )

The point is, my mom trusted me. It didn't matter if she didn't trust who I was with because her trust and faith in *me* was greater. She knew I could hold my own should I need to and she knew that our relationship was something to cherish. I think that if you have that kind of relationship with your daughter you can look past her "yuck" boyfriend and let her go, since the boyfriend (and not having prior plans) seems to be your biggest roadblock. Like Alkenny said, if something is going to happen, it will no matter who what where when or why. Hope I helped at all!

[odenata]

Originally Posted by choli

Maybe I missed it in the thread, but what is the OP's DD's preference? Does she want to go to the beach, or does she want to stick with her previous plans?

This is what I was wondering, too.

[funkygranolamama]

I've been 16 years old and I would not have wanted my dd to go.


That said, if I was 16 and my mom told me I couldn't go, I'd tell her I was going to the horse farm and go anyway...

[emelsea]

Regardless of how I felt about my child's friends, I would say "no" simply because 4 teenagers in a car scares the bejesus out of me.

We already have the rule in my house that DSS is not allowed to ride in a car with more than one other teen, if that teen is the driver, unless there is also a parent in the car. So this trip would be a "no" based on that.

I hate to make a blanket statement, but I just don't trust teenage judgement in regards to driving, especially with a group in the car. My opinion is based on living a few blocks from the high school and observing hundreds of teens driving to and from school every day. *shudder*

[S.Raine-Drop]

Originally Posted by emelsea

Regardless of how I felt about my child's friends, I would say "no" simply because 4 teenagers in a car scares the bejesus out of me.

We already have the rule in my house that DSS is not allowed to ride in a car with more than one other teen, if that teen is the driver, unless there is also a parent in the car. So this trip would be a "no" based on that.

I hate to make a blanket statement, but I just don't trust teenage judgement in regards to driving, especially with a group in the car. My opinion is based on living a few blocks from the high school and observing hundreds of teens driving to and from school every day. *shudder*

Ah I have to say I hear you on this! I could *not* believe the stupid behavior and the overflow of immaturity in a vast majority of the drivers. I don't believe I will use this as a basis in my own parenting though, I think situations are just more complicated than just "I don't like teens driving." (I think that's why you called it a blanket statement? Haven't heard that one!)

[enkmom]

I composed a post many times in the last few days, but BabyBlanketGawki hit the nail on the head for me with her first post. It is not about my kids' friends, it is about the trust I have in my own children. My daughter regularly drove 2 hours or more with her friends on shopping trips, and my 17 year old son went with a group of 6 other boys for a weekend at a basketball championship. They drove themselves, rented themselves a hotel room, and drove themselves home, all with no parental supervision. There was drinking involved in some of the other rooms, and there were arrests, but my child and his friends were not involved. I trusted him and his choice of friends.

I also am uncomfortable with the emphasis on grades, not just here in this thread but everywhere in life. In high school, my daughter was a "slacker". She certainly was not on the honor roll, and she did not appear to have any GOALS. Well she did have a goal,a big one - she wanted to get out of high school! She is now thriving at college, and not getting good grades did not make her a bad person, or a bad influence.

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

For me, your reasons aren't really valid for not letting her go. Assuming she wants to go. Basically your argument is that this slacker dude isn't good enough for your honor roll princess. It's a beach trip for the day. It's not a weekend getaway to France. I let my dd choose her friends. You may not like him, but it sounds like your dd has a good head on her shoulders and is trustworthy and has a good understanding of herself and her desires in life. So I if it was me, I'd trust her to decide if she wants to go.

That's pretty much what I was going to say. Although, the part about him arguing with you does bother me.

Edited to add: I just wanted to clarify, that I think it has a lot less to do with the other people than your daughter herself. If she is a trustworthy person and makes good decisions, then it should be safe. If you know she would never get in a car with someone who has been drinking, then you don't need to worry that someone will be drinking, you know? Not that being responsible gives them carte blanche at 16, but really, 16 is pretty old, and I would think old enough to drive a few hours for a day beach trip. But ultimately it comes down to how you feel about her judgement and decision making skills. It really doesn't matter who has what grades.

[Yoshua]

.... Simple Issue.


Regardless of how 'trustworthy' your daughter is.


1. Is your daughter the one driving? If the answer is yes move to 2, if no move to 3

2. Would you trust your daughter to drive 125 miles each way to the beach alone? If yes then let her make up her mind, if no then it is a moot point and she wouldn't be going alone, let alone in a group.

3. Who is driving? How old are they? Have you ever driven with them? What is their driving record? Are they willing to get the pring out and bring it to you? If the answers are 1- I don't know the answer would be no. 2-Under 25 the answer is move on to 3. If No then move to 4, if yes then in your opinion are they a good driver and decide from there., 4-if over 25 then ask 'why are you hanging out with 16 year olds?'. 3&4- If their driving record is less then impeccable and under the age of 21 then my answer is 'no'



And at the end of all of this.... My answer would basically be no if I have to ask these questions in the first place. In some states a teenager can't even drive with a non family member for a number of years anyways but they CAN drive alone. That is a good policy regardless of the local laws and my kids won't be transporting their friends until they are 18 or have been driving for 2 years so long as they are living under my roof, and they won't be sitting in the car of one of their friends that I personally haven't been a passenger in their car first.



To many of my friends (2) died in high school because of either immature or drunk driving as teenagers. No thanks.


ETA:
There are plenty of valid reasons for 25 year olds to hang out with 16 year olds. You have to have a valid reason in MY opinion to hang out with MY 16 year old if you are 25. Valid reasons consist of: Relative, Elder in their Youth Group(church or not doesnt matter) supervising an outting, Supervisor or Teacher at their school are among a few of what I consider 'valid' Reasons, but to be honest it is at my opinion what I determine to be 'valid' and what is 'valid' for one person may not be 'valid' for another. I am the father and in the end I will do what is right by my teenagers and trusting their safety to someone I don't know in a 2 ton killing machine is at my discretion. And that is what a car is. A killing machine that just so happens to also get someone from point a to b.

[UUMom]

I do have to say that it's a lot easier to like a kid who is likeable. I've never had a teen (who wasn't my own lol ) argue with me about my family.

When my ds went away to college, I thought his gf's mother would do a happy dance. But no, she came to my house the day before he left and cried she was so upset he was leaving. I was shocked. "I love him like I love my own. I couldn't have hoped for a nicer boy friend for my daughter".

I think her kid is fabulous as well, ftr. If I didn't like her or thought she treated my son poorly, or had qquestionable judgement, I would have a terrible time even watching them leave for a movie together, never mind sgoing so far away with someone I didn't trust (for whatever reasons). Of course, ds is not 15 anymore...my days of intense parenting him are over. My oldest dd is 15, and I think I would worry a lot about such a long car trip with drivers who might not be experienced. It's not like 125 miles is a quick trip for a parent in case of emergency. I would give pause, depending on the individual situation.

It's also nice when teens work to build a little trust with parental untis of friends.

Btw, my ds and gf are still together, and the mother of the gf actually OK'd her hs age dd to visit him at college during a long weekend. It's a lot easier to deal with all of that when you your child's partner is kind and thoughful towards your child.

That's my experience with teens and dating, anyway.

[newclementine]

My answer is NO too.
Just because he says the driver is a safe driver doesn't mean he is. I don't have a teenager but I am a teacher of teenagers, so I am familiar.
When I was 16/17 (a million years ago) I got into a lot of trouble in the guise of going to the beach or going to the river to go canoeing, but I think my parents just thought they were innocent trips (I should ask them someday...) Especially if your daughter won't freak and already has other plans anyway, say no! Explain to her your worries, it sounds like she's reasonable. You are already pretty open if you let her date this guy anyway. And if he has a problem with it he can go find a gf his own age!

[attachedmamaof3]

I would let her go if she wanted to go. It's a day trip to the beach...stuff you should be doing when you're 16 and carefree. Even if it is with someone you don't necessarily approve of...

I would also make sure she had a cell phone and a way to reach me, because I can't completely let go of my control freak ways with my kids!

[LizD]

Originally Posted by Oriole

*** You don't approve of him, but allowing your daughter to see him, that shows me you allow your daughter to make her own choices and mistakes.

*** I'd say no to the trip, and explain why calmly and respectfully.

*** I find it ironic that people that call for you to respect your daughter's decision don't show the same in their replies here.

*** Yeah, I'm all for discussion, I'm all for understanding, and guess what, when my DSD (who is 15) gets cranky when she hears "no", she admits later on that she understands why she got told "no" later on. So Yeah... I'm with "parents have a final say" camp, as long as it's based on love and reason.

*** Throw your tomatoes my way, teenagers act impulsively, and I'm ok with parents stepping in, as long as it's not all the time, and you do allow your kids to grow and mature, which includes dealing with "no"s and not sticking around boyfriends who have no problem leaving you behind for a beach trip.

[mswiginton]

I may be too late to contribute, but, MamaLisa, follow your gut reaction! I would be right there with you with a resounding, "NO WAY!"