My 12 yo ds is not so innocent....

[Ornery]

I just had to post this even though I know there was a recent long thread about it.

Yesterday I started typing something into my computer while searching for a particular website and a porn site came up. I know my DH isn't into porn online so went through some of the rest of the recent history and came up with 5 or 6 websites. While we don't allow my 12 yo ds to get on the computer (that is in our living room) unless we are around, I've been pretty blind to the fact that he is growing up and don't have my account password protected (his is a "kids" account). He has always been super open and honest with us so I kept thinking he wouldn't go behind our backs like that. But, he's a pretty private 12 yo and I know he wouldn't want us knowing about him viewing porn.

Anyway, I waited until my DH was home, discussed it with him, and he went to talk to ds. He didn't accuse him of anything, just said that they had come up on the history and, if it was ds, we were concerned that he might go to a website that could somehow put a nasty virus on our computer. Ds readily said that it was him. Apparently, his school had a couple of days of "internet safety" type classes last week that got some kids talking and ds was, of course, curious. DH also discussed the fact that he went onto my account and the computer without permission. They had a good talk, DH let him know that DH would buy him a magazine or two if he wanted, and we left it at that.

This really woke me up. I have been stuck in the place where my DS is still my innocent little boy but I guess he is growing up. Although he is a really great kid and usually really open with us, I need to stay more on my toes.

As parents of teens, how far do you trust their innate "goodness" and where do you draw the line to protect them from themselves?



Disclaimer: I know there are different views of porn out there and haven't really researched the matter myself enough to take a stand one way or another. DH and I aren't really into that scene and never have been so it hasn't been an issue. Now that ds is at "that age", DH and I will research it to figure out what our position is, if any.

[Baby Makes 4]

Interesting question. My son is 12 as well and was asking me about porn not too long ago. I told him it was something he would have to decide about when he was older.

He asked me if I ever looked at porn and that was an awkward moment! I told him that I was happy to talk to him about porn and sex but that I was uncomfortable answering any questions pertaining to my personal habits.

I'm not sure if I would buy him a magazine at his age. I would rather he develop a more realistic idea of what women are supposed to look like before he started viewing porn. I would hate for him to grow up thinking that thin, airbrushed, fake-breasted women is the only kind of beauty.

Just thinking out loud but maybe some books on sexuality and a couple of photography books with artful (realistic) nudes would be more appropriate than a playboy.

[Aura_Kitten]

NOT as the mother of a pre-teen or teen but as a FORMER teen / pre-teen / horny adolescent let me give you some advice.... research porn very carefully to find out what's out there, and what you find acceptable, and what you don't, and openly explain it to your guy.

In my home, my parents did me the extreme disservice of not allowing any sexuality, at all ~ from a very early age I would get beaten for even looking at my bits in a mirror.... to getting beaten and yelled at for DAYS after being caught playing with myself in my room (I was about 6)... and then having to learn about sex / masturbation / orgasms / porn / everything from a combination of peers, my older sister, and some medical encyclopedias. So when I finally had 'net access of my own, I exploited the hell out of it... and let me tell you, there are some things out there that were so horrifying... so utterly, completely nerve-wracking I feel I was seriously scarred by them. And no I don't just mean BDSM stuff but really nasty sh!t. Things I don't even want to talk about... things I still have nightmares about. Things that WILL pop up just in general search queries if you're not careful.

I think, since you admit you're not familiar with the "scene", you really need to get familiar, if you're going to be able to continue a dialogue with your ds after he gets into all that jazz.

FTR: I think you're doing a great thing by talking w/ him and staying open-minded.

[Aura_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Baby Makes 4

Interesting question. My son is 12 as well and was asking me about porn not too long ago. I told him it was something he would have to decide about when he was older.

He asked me if I ever looked at porn and that was an awkward moment! I told him that I was happy to talk to him about porn and sex but that I was uncomfortable answering any questions pertaining to my personal habits.

I'm not sure if I would buy him a magazine at his age. I would rather he develop a more realistic idea of what women are supposed to look like before he started viewing porn. I would hate for him to grow up thinking that thin, airbrushed, fake-breasted women is the only kind of beauty.

Just thinking out loud but maybe some books on sexuality and a couple of photography books with artful (realistic) nudes would be more appropriate than a playboy.

VERY good suggestion.

I highly HIGHLY recommend The Guide To Getting It On (it was required reading for my Human Sexuality undergrad class )... it's very well done, tasteful where it needs to be, with just a TON of really great info. ~ You can get it used @ Amazon for way cheap.

[Ornery]

Wow - you all are great! Like I said, we aren't into porn. While we've viewed a few videos, etc, we would rather bask in each other than watch strangers. I have a pretty good idea of what is out there, as I'm not totally out of the loop, but the websites he was on were relatively benign.

I didn't fully think out the magazine thing, it was my DH's idea. I also would hate for him to think the women in the mags were "ideal". I'll definitely look up the Guide to Getting It On and will research some other more "natural" porn options for in the future.

Thanks!

[Lambartly]

Truth is that essentially all kids will stumble across porn on the internet before they experience any real sex. Take that as you will. Personally I think it's an inevitability that has to be dealt with in other ways than trying to stop your child from seeing it, period. I think it's more realistic to assume that it will be seen, and then try and work from there.

[Ornery]

It isn't that I want to stop my son from seeing pornography. Honestly, I don't want him seeing some of the stuff out there because some it could be downright scary for a 12 yo but I know that there really is no way to completely prevent it. However, I don't want him viewing it on my computer as I know some of those websites can insert some nasty viruses. I'm very sure that my DH communicated that we don't think porn is "bad" or that my ds is "bad" for being curious about it. We just don't want our expensive computer messed up.

Again, the question is posed, even though I know it is truly subjective. Where do you draw the line?

[heidirk]

I don't have a teen, DS is 22 mos. For myself, I draw the line at anything much beyond classical paintings and sculpture of nudes, (and belly casts!).

This is just my 2cents. I simply feel that porn is exploitive of women. Since many women get into the biz when they are very young, they are often taken advantage of by 'directors' and 'photographers'. I know this is not always the case. I also feel it reflects a core belief of our society that a woman is simply the sum of her sexual organs. Are we not trying to fight that idea?

[Aura_Kitten]

I'm a pretty rabid Feminist and personally, I think there is some very well-done porn out there..... things that don't necessarily exploit the women and men involved... things that don't promote unrealistic ideals as far as body imagery, etc....

I think it's really too much of a blanket statement to say that ALL porn exploits women (or men) or ALL porn promotes the objectification of women (or men).

The truth is, some of us really enjoy porn ~ watching it, making it, or Otherwise, and there are some of us in the Making It category that really don't consider ourselves exploited.


Just... you know... sayin'.

[S.Raine-Drop]

If he is interested in porn and wants to view it he will, one way or another. I personally don't know how well I'd take to my parents trying to buy me "acceptable" porn just so I wouldn't look at what all is out there... I find that really weird. =\

As far as the exploitation of women, I don't think that allowing your son to view porn is going to instill any kind of anti-woman or "paintbrush" ideals into him. There are PLENTY of things out there in the world to do this, and it will either affect him or it won't, but porn won't necessarily be the thing that does this. It could easily be a Teen People mag that does it.

lol, Aura_Kitten, are you a porn star?

[LotusBirthMama]

See, I struggle with this myself. DS1 is nearing 11, and while he is still really "immature" as far as 11 yo's go...I know it won't be that much longer before he gets interested in sex and his body and the ladies. My issue is that my belief system and the belief system I am raising my children in does not tolerate pornography. I don't know how I am going to handle his stumbling upon it or his experimentations. I want him to have a healthy outlook on sex, but not on porn....hmmm...hopefully I get a few more years outta him!

[Aura_Kitten]

: I wouldn't call myself a "star" per se, but I have made some, yes.

[S.Raine-Drop]

Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten

: I wouldn't call myself a "star" per se, but I have made some, yes.

lol right on I can respect that. Good for you for not being ashamed!

[aprilflowers]

[holothuroidea]

"He asked me if I ever looked at porn and that was an awkward moment! I told him that I was happy to talk to him about porn and sex but that I was uncomfortable answering any questions pertaining to my personal habits."

If you're not comfortable talking about your own personal habits, how can you expect HIM to be?

!!!???

I love the art idea!


Also, about the magazines. Maybe DH knows best, if that's what would have helped him when he was a kid, maybe it'll help DS. However, I feel that if he is exposed to magazines, it won't stop there. He will probably become interested in seeing more "hardcore" things, or at least videos. I think that you need to have a frank discussion with him about how women should be treated, and how porn fantasy is different from real life BEFORE he starts with the searching and the finding. Although, if you and DH already set a good example of what a loving sexual relationship should be like, he probably wont have any problems with that.

My two cents.

[MarchWillow]

My opinion...where do you draw the line? That's really a decision you and DH need to make for yourselves. I know for me, I agree and ds would not be allowed to look up porn on my pc...on any pc if i can help it. I think the key is communication. Some real uncomfortable conversations have come up, mostly it's me speaking, but I can tell he hangs on every word. I'll ask a question and a one or two word answer tells me he's interested but still a little shy to ask some of these questions. Porn has not yet come up...but sex, yes! And normal puberty things, wet dreams etc. Above all he knows who in his life is the safest adults to talk to as far as information being reliable and safe. (he has more than just me and dh)The last thing I want is him talking to the kid at school who's a "sex pro"

If or I should say when porn comes up, I am not totally against it, but he has to learn responsibility of it, just like with sex. It's not something we share with younger sibs, and we are going to think before we just "consume". We are also going to at the very least talk about reality. It's not fair to your future gf/wife or yourself to have an unrealistic idea of how women are not only looks, but also desires...not every woman out there feels about sex how they act in porn. porn is acting, just like any other movie. But just having a "normal" mom i think says alot too lol. Im no sex kitten in looks, but i am obviously sexually happy even if he doesn't want to invision me with dad.

That's my whole outlook thus far-as it usually does change a little along the way.

[ananas]

Nothing to add, I just wanted to say that I think you handled it amazingly, in a way that didn't make him feel ashamed or like he was doing something "wrong".

[nolonger]

People do have different views about porn and I have come to believe that my own is a minority opinion on mdc; I am here to discuss parenting, not to debate porn, so I'll just post a link that may or may not be helpful to the OP and her child:

anti-porn resource center

I have found the kids' page to be very helpful with both my own son and a teenager I used to tutor, both of whom I "busted" looking at porn on my computer.

Neither child ever used any of my computers in this manner again, nor did they seem to misunderstand my feelings about porn to be anti-sex. ds1 was comfortable talking to me about sexuality when he began having relationships and I take pride both in how open we are and how healthy and respectful his attitude towards women and bodies seems to be.

hth; if it doesn't, please just disregard this post.

[SMC_to_be]

Curious as to how you (and everyone else) would handle this if this were your 12-year-old DDaughter. Would you still get her some magazines? Find some acceptable porn for her to view?

[Ornery]

Originally Posted by SMC_to_be

Curious as to how you (and everyone else) would handle this if this were your 12-year-old DDaughter. Would you still get her some magazines? Find some acceptable porn for her to view?

Interesting question. I would never have even thought to get her a mag, but I wouldn't have thought to get my ds one either. That was my DH. I'm still not sure how comfortable I am with it but I was never a 12 yo boy. I think, if she was interested, I would put the same thought into what seems appropriate.

As my ds declined the offer, my DH and I have been discussing what we consider "appropriate". I'm kinda thinking about a JC Penney catalog at this point!