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My 12 yo ds is not so innocent.... - Page 2

post #21 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by SMC_to_be View Post
Curious as to how you (and everyone else) would handle this if this were your 12-year-old DDaughter. Would you still get her some magazines? Find some acceptable porn for her to view?
I absolutely would. I wish someone would have gotten me some at that age. Instead, I used actual sex as my outlet. . .I would have been much safer had I stuck to magazines and the internet (had it been around back then). And I was a "good" kid too whom everyone thought was very innocent. . .my parents still have no idea what I was up to at age 12. It's only through a stroke of luck that I didn't end up pregnant or with an STD. I'm not blaming my parents in the least for what I chose to do, but I do think having magazine to use as an outlet would have at least delayed the sex for a little while.
post #22 of 41
I used magazines, catalogs AND the internet and still ended up having tons of sex at a very young age....
post #23 of 41
I have a 19 year old son and i never even allowed him to have posters of women in bathingsuits on his bedroom walls. When he was 16 i did allow him to put up some posters of women in sexy not sleazy outfits! He never really minded. It was not that important to him! We never had any porn in the house, (except, obviously the internet). I don't like it at all. It displays women as objects and is immoral! I have known women who were in the porn bussiness, 1 was quite big in the bussiness in the late eighties/early nineties and she ended up commiting suicide and the other who i still have limted contact with, is very messed up, has had 2 children and has lost custody and visitation to them, on drugs ect. Almost all women in porn were molested as children, though alot of them will not admit it when their in the bussiness. Most also are on drugs and drunk when they make the movies! Don't get me wrong, women's bodies are beautiful. I'm a big art collector and over half of my collection is nudity, especially women, but there is a big difference between art and porn! My kids have been raised around alot of nudity but NO porn and they know the difference. They are very modest kids. Pornography takes something beautiful and turns it into something very ugly! I would not recommend it or supply it to anyone, especially a child!
post #24 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby Makes 4 View Post
Interesting question. My son is 12 as well and was asking me about porn not too long ago. I told him it was something he would have to decide about when he was older.
That's great that your son asked you about this. You must have a really close, open relationship. I'm hoping my kids always do this.

My oldest is 13 and homeschooled so nothing has come up yet. I do check his history on the computer often to see what sites he visits.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crazydiamond
I'm not blaming my parents in the least for what I chose to do, but I do think having magazine to use as an outlet would have at least delayed the sex for a little while.
but you don't know this for sure. You could have had the magazines and still wanted to go out and have sex because a magazine can lead to more. If you had sex anyway then you would have likely gone the same route no matter how much porno you had available to you at home. I looked at my first dirty magazine around age 13 and was having sex by 14.
post #25 of 41
Thread Starter 
Thank you for all of your viewpoints.

As I said before, this all came as quite a surprise to me. My son has, until to this year, been a kid who acted as though kissing in movies was gross so for him to be doing this was a shock. Luckily, he hadn't even entered the sites so I don't think he saw anything too outrageous. And to be clear, we haven't provided anything for him, but we definitely wanted to get across the message that it was normal to be curious. Maybe DH went too far in offering something, but we want to keep the lines of communication clear, and want him come to DH about it.

I hadn't even thought about my reaction and was following my dh's lead (he is pretty mainstream). Like I said in another of the posts, I'm thinking the bra section of a catalog is about as racy as I would want to go!

I've been looking for articles for DH to give ds about the industry while having another talk with him. Anybody have suggestions that aren't too graphic?
post #26 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunkissedmumma67 View Post
I have a 19 year old son and i never even allowed him to have posters of women in bathingsuits on his bedroom walls. When he was 16 i did allow him to put up some posters of women in sexy not sleazy outfits! He never really minded. It was not that important to him! We never had any porn in the house, (except, obviously the internet). I don't like it at all. It displays women as objects and is immoral! I have known women who were in the porn bussiness, 1 was quite big in the bussiness in the late eighties/early nineties and she ended up commiting suicide and the other who i still have limted contact with, is very messed up, has had 2 children and has lost custody and visitation to them, on drugs ect. Almost all women in porn were molested as children, though alot of them will not admit it when their in the bussiness. Most also are on drugs and drunk when they make the movies! Don't get me wrong, women's bodies are beautiful. I'm a big art collector and over half of my collection is nudity, especially women, but there is a big difference between art and porn! My kids have been raised around alot of nudity but NO porn and they know the difference. They are very modest kids. Pornography takes something beautiful and turns it into something very ugly! I would not recommend it or supply it to anyone, especially a child!
Um. Wow.

First, I respect that you believe, for yourself, it's immoral. But please don't make these incredibly sweeping assumptions about the "types" of women who make porn.

I was NEVER molested as a child, and I stay off of alcohol and drugs as a rule pretty much all the time, and especially during sex.

I also happen to be a single SOLO mother to two incredible young children; I work, and I go to school, and I take care of them. My custody of my children ... and what I choose to do in my own bedroom on my own time ... are two very separate issues.

Please be a little more respectful of women's choices even when they differ from your own.
post #27 of 41
Quote:
I'm not sure if I would buy him a magazine at his age. I would rather he develop a more realistic idea of what women are supposed to look like before he started viewing porn. I would hate for him to grow up thinking that thin, airbrushed, fake-breasted women is the only kind of beauty.
Just a side note there are lots of porn mags out there that show real, natural bodies.
post #28 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten View Post
Um. Wow.

First, I respect that you believe, for yourself, it's immoral. But please don't make these incredibly sweeping assumptions about the "types" of women who make porn.

I was NEVER molested as a child, and I stay off of alcohol and drugs as a rule pretty much all the time, and especially during sex.

I also happen to be a single SOLO mother to two incredible young children; I work, and I go to school, and I take care of them. My custody of my children ... and what I choose to do in my own bedroom on my own time ... are two very separate issues. She only said one person she knew had her kids taken from her due to her drug use. She didn't say that anyone in this thread was doing that.

Please be a little more respectful of women's choices even when they differ from your own.
I don't think the previous poster was referring to single moms? How did you take "personal" offense to her own personal opinion about porn? She didn't directly relate it to a single mother.

Quote:
Just a side note there are lots of porn mags out there that show real, natural bodies.
but they are air-brushed. No matter how big the breasts are they are still perfect without bumps or bruises, the faces too. But I don't see how that would matter anyway, whether or not a girl in a porno mag has fake or real breasts or is air-brushed. I seriously don't think a person in general would care about whether someone in real life is like that or not.... kwim?
post #29 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy68 View Post
I don't think the previous poster was referring to single moms? How did you take "personal" offense to her own personal opinion about porn? She didn't directly relate it to a single mother.
No she made a point to mention how the other porn star she knew had custody of her kids taken away from her ~ my point is, you can't judge someone like that... I'm saying, I'm a really responsible single parent. I'm sure there are LOTS of other people who have made porn that are, too. Custody and videotaped sex are different issues. If the other person lost custody of her kids she was doing something else... it's not just about the fact that she was a porn star. It seemed like the previous poster was throwing that in there to support her claim that porn girlies are screwed up people ... I refute that generalization with every fiber in my body.
post #30 of 41
We had a similar situation in my house. We thought we'd done a good job of locking out the internet so that my ds could get on the computer but not be able to get online. Yeah, not so much. He stumbled across a porn website as a result of misspelling an addy for another website, and then it went from there. We sat down and talked with him about the dangers of surfing unknown websites, and porn sites seem to be the worst. Both dh and I talked about what to do, since A) we didn't want him surfing and picking up viruses, and B) there's a lot of stuff out there our 12, almost 13 y.o. isn't mature enough to see. We already had a sub to Playboy, so we gave him access to that, and it has helped. We have always had an open discussion policy about anything, including sex, and porn, and that has continued.

As for whether or not I would find mags for my daughter if I had one... absolutely. When I was about 12, I came across a box of books and mags that had been left on the side of the road. I looked through it, and was intrigued by what I saw. I took some of them home, hiding them from my parents, since I don't think they would have been too happy about it. Even though most of the pictures were of women, it still satisfied that urge.

And WinterWillow, it's good to know that there are mags out there with more natural bodies. DH and I may have to see what we can find.
post #31 of 41
Aura Kitten, you rock.
post #32 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten View Post
No she made a point to mention how the other porn star she knew had custody of her kids taken away from her ~ my point is, you can't judge someone like that... I'm saying, I'm a really responsible single parent. I'm sure there are LOTS of other people who have made porn that are, too. Custody and videotaped sex are different issues. If the other person lost custody of her kids she was doing something else... it's not just about the fact that she was a porn star. It seemed like the previous poster was throwing that in there to support her claim that porn girlies are screwed up people ... I refute that generalization with every fiber in my body.
But in your first post you DID seem to take personal offense to what the other person said. She wasn't attacking you or anyone on the boards. She was just speaking in general. I'm not saying that her content of words was right but I didn't see her point any fingers either.

FWIW, I know a now married (for the third time) mother with four kids who was a stripper at one time and had a child from a man she met while stripping (not one of her husbands). She is doing wonderful for herself now at 40 years old. We all have pasts. I was a single mom for a while before I married my child's father but I don't take offense to people who put down single moms even though comments towards single moms strike me very personally.
post #33 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eclipse95 View Post
And to be clear, we haven't provided anything for him, but we definitely wanted to get across the message that it was normal to be curious. Maybe DH went too far in offering something, but we want to keep the lines of communication clear, and want him come to DH about it.
Right off-hand, I can't think of anything more likely to dull an interest in porn than having one's parents be cool with it to the point of offering to provide some.
post #34 of 41
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BamaDude View Post
Right off-hand, I can't think of anything more likely to dull an interest in porn than having one's parents be cool with it to the point of offering to provide some.
laughup

Thanks BamaDude. That really cracked me up.
post #35 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by noordinaryspider View Post
People do have different views about porn and I have come to believe that my own is a minority opinion on mdc; I am here to discuss parenting, not to debate porn, so I'll just post a link that may or may not be helpful to the OP and her child:

anti-porn resource center
Thank you so much for posting a link to this site. It's one I haven't seen before, and it's very eye-opening, lots of important information.

Also, I want you to know that you're not alone in your views on pornography. I'm right there with you! Anti-porn (because it is largely anti-woman propaganda) but pro-sex.

Quote:
87% of the molesters of girls, and 77% of the molesters of boys reported regular use of hard-core porn. (Marshall, 1988)

A 1984 research study found that the state of Alaska ranked first both in porn magazine sales and in rapes. Nevada was second on both measures. (Baron & Straus)

In Phoenix, neighborhoods with a porn outlet had 500% more sexual offenses than neighborhoods without. (U.S. Department of Justice, 1988)

The death rate of women working as prostitutes in Canada is 40 times
higher than the general Canadian population. (Special Committee on
Pornography and Prostitution)
post #36 of 41
I think it is awesome that neither you nor your husband freaked out and went off on your son. I'm pretty open to people being pro or anti porn as that works out for them, but even if you make it clear that "I don't like porn and don't want it in my house" I think it is important to not shame your kids. Curiosity is normal.

That said, my husband and I are both pretty sex-positive. We have a pretty extensive collection of sex-related books in our bedroom. My plan is to tell my kids that if they snoop they may find out things about me that they don't want to know and they won't ever be able to get that image out of their minds. So consider your actions carefully... That's pretty much what my mom told me and after one little snoop when I was around 9/10 I got the "AHHHHHH MY EYES!!! THEY BURN!!!" reaction and never went near her stuff again.
post #37 of 41
Instead of porn how about an erotic book? I was much more interested in those when I was a teen, but I'm also a girl so YMMV.
post #38 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy68 View Post
But in your first post you DID seem to take personal offense to what the other person said. She wasn't attacking you or anyone on the boards. She was just speaking in general. I'm not saying that her content of words was right but I didn't see her point any fingers either.
You don't see how someone generalizing about a group of people to whom one belongs is pointing fingers and personal? If someone said something untrue and offensive about "most MDC moms" wouldn't you feel a twinge of outrage?

Back OT, I think that outright offering him actual porn materials would be kinda weird for him. And I think at his age, things like underwear ads, plus educational books on sexuality, are "enough." Even real softcore porn can wait a few years. I'd just subscribe to the Victorias Secret catalog and leave it lying around. But buy one of the aforementioned sexuality books and give it to him (you or DH) and let him know that you guys are available for questions, but he doesn't have to talk about it unless he wants to.
post #39 of 41
Oh the point of would you do it for DS and for DD, I would point out that girls have an out. How many 12 year old boys pick up Harlequin romance novels? Girls do all the time, but boys aren't going to. And I've seen some pretty racy, even downright raunchy Harlequin scenes. They were my own personal chldhood porn for lack of a better word. So I think the type that teen girls would be looking for might be a bit more easily accessible. We tned not to focus so much on pictures of nudity so much as the whole scene, and so lit-erotica would be more up the alley I'd expect from a girl. As for my DS some day, I'll find some more okay mags, and probably leave them somewhere he can "find" them (like his dad's hiding spot that he'll eventually find). I'd much rather my 12 year old enjoy a mag alone than go out and enjoy one of his classmates IYKWIM!! But I am very liberal on this subject myself, and enjoy tasteful lit-erotica
post #40 of 41
I found that DS11, now 13, was viewing porn on our home computer. I discovered it by accident. I first checked with DH to see if it was him(it was not), before I spoke with DS. He had been viewing porn pretty feverishly for 2-3 days before I figured it out. When I talked with him, he seemed relieved rather than upset or defensive. It seems that some of the boys at school had been egging each other on to check out these sites.

DS was relieved that 1) he was not expected to "perform" those acts, 2) that girls didn't expect, or probably want, that kind of attention, and 3) Mom can see what you are viewing on the internet. I made it clear that while I'm not strictly anti-porn, I think that porn is really unrealistic and somewhat fake. Not all women look like that and that the girls his age probably didn't want to have sex or perform those types of sex acts.

DS has had a couple of short term girlfriends this year, and while I know that he was kissed, I don't think it has gone much further. He has not really had any opportunities to be alone with these girlfriends. DS continues to cover his eyes when people kiss on movies and tv, but that's probably an act for me. He is 13 afterall.
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