Having a rough time.

[Organicavocado]

I'm having a rough time. My mom is set to leave for Friday and I dread it. I feel like crying.

I am so sore still, and will be for several more weeks with the degree of tearing I've had. I'm sending someone to the store tonight for witch hazel and more pain medication. Motrin barely touches it. Breastfeeding is going better but I get so frustrated at night that I want to cry when I have to wake up to feed him. I feel like the worst mom ever because I envy formula feeding moms for being able to pawn off a feeding on dad without having rock solid boobs an hour afterward. Then I feel sick to my stomach for feeling that way. I feel like I should be enjoying this, or at least tolerating it. Instead I just feel like crying all the time and heaven forbid anyone else get crabby. I have no problems handing the baby off to someone else after a feeding and letting them enjoy him while he's in his quiet alert state. I feel like he only ever wants the boob, like he doesn't want to bond with me.

So with a background of depression I'm watching myself for PPD. I know my symptoms and I know when to get help and the psych at the hospital will write me a script for zoloft the same day I ask for it.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing so well despite what I went through. I haven't even started processing it. I felt so bonded to him in the hospital but as soon as I got home I feel like I lost interest. I have waited for this baby for so long.. I want to enjoy him. My gut keeps telling me to just wait, that I am still in the early transitional period because he has only just come home and I am still learning, I would really rather not start a regimen of antidepressants if this is still "normal" and just needs time. I just feel like everyone else out there with their babies are so happy and enjoying their newborns and I am this black sheep, the only one who is having a rough time. I feel like eating my placenta was pointless, like I'm going to be depressed and removed anyway. I keep thinking that if I had only been able to have him straight from the get-go I would be okay. I had such a hormonal outpouring the first week and I feel like those hormones had a purpose. I would just sit in bed and wrap the blanket that smelled like us around my face when I had to pump and just sit there and leak ounces. By the time I got to hold him in the hospital, he didn't smell like birth or him or me anymore, he smelled like Johnson and Johnson. I strongly remember being shocked and disappointed by this.

I can't change this. My midwife suggested a rebirth and I would love to do that, alone, but I can't take a bath for 12 weeks. I feel like I'm kind of stuck with nowhere to move but forward, I feel like time will heal this but time isn't coming fast enough. At the same time I don't want to wish this time away.

I guess I'm in that balance of just-one-more-day-and-see-if-it-gets-better. It seems to get better some days, some days are great, so I feel like I might miss the PPD train. I still feel lousy today though. I needed to write it out.

[paphia]

Lack of sleep can make the newborn stage so much harder. And being in pain constantly. I think you're just going to have to slog through this phase as best you can. DD was colicky and super high needs when she was born. I slept sitting up with her in my arms for 6 weeks straight, and dh held her once or twice a day for 10 - 15 minutes while she screamed and I'd take a shower and maybe eat or do something hygiene related. Not fun. And it's not like it all turned around after that point, it just verrry gradually got a little better. Lots of sleepless nights though where I paced and bounced her through my house, dripping sweat in the heat of the summer, not daring to stop because then the crying would start again.

Not everyone has easy babies, happy babymoons, or smooth recoveries. Those mamas don't get the chance to post about it so you don't see much of it. The best advice I can give is just stay in the moment with your baby, don't think about how much longer this phase will be, just take it one minute at a time. A woman in my dd's due date club lost her baby to sids right at 5 weeks, and all I could do was be thankful I had a screaming baby in my arms and that this woman would have given anything to hold a crying-24/7 baby. It was one of the things that got me through that horribly tough time.

And if you start getting invasive thoughts, if putting the baby down in a bouncy seat for 5 minutes while you take deep breaths in the next room doesn't get you centered enough to pick him up again, etc., don't hesitate to get help. It's okay to need help. I don't think raising babies all alone in nuclear family setups is biologically normal for us and it makes things that much harder. If there is help, and you can use it, don't feel guilty for utilizing it. You shouldn't have to be a super woman.

Take care!

[ChristyH]

I couldn't read and not send you some s

I had a really hard time with DD2, but nothing like you went through. Please be gentle with yourself s

[eastkygal]

I had times when I felt like giving up when DD first came home too. She didn't just nurse and go back to sleep, she'd stay up for hours. Not crying necessarily, just be up and ready to go. I was so exhausted, and DH would rarely wake up and help. Our family was all back home in the mountains, and I felt so isolated. I was healing for 2 months from my c/s, and tore my incision open trying to do too much on my own. I'm also prone to depression, and while I felt totally bonded with DD, I was sad alot. I felt like we had been cheated and something was wrong with me as a mother. I finally found help from talking to other mamas. I put DD out of the cradle beside our bed and into the bed with us, and slept while she laid awake and nursed as she pleased. As soon as able, I took DD outside and sat with her showing her things around us, watching her respond to the outdoors, and things gradually got better. Hang in there mama. Love on your baby, and do whatever you feel needs to be done to heal yourself.

[oyinmama]

sending you love and light - and want to agree with the PP who said be gentle with yourself. use the support resources that are around you, and don't beat yourself up for going through your feelings as you heal and adjust.

[anstar]

s mama! I felt like that with DS1. Reasonably, he was a good baby - nursed well, slept well, and all that. I just felt so exhausted and worn out, that when he wanted to nurse at night it would make me cry buckets of tears bc I just wanted to sleep! Seriously, I thought I was leaking more from my eyes than he was getting from my breasts at that point. Also, DH had to go back to work the next week, and all I could do was sit and cry when I was alone in the house, nursing the baby. I felt so alone.
It does get better, much better. It does take time, and from what I know, what I experienced was "normal" despite seeming at the time like it was more than I could handle. Now, DS1 is almost 3, and a huge help and a wonderful companion. I can't imagine what I did before he and DS2 came around - I must have been bored to tears!

[Jennisee]

You have been through so much, and you have every right to feel this way. You sound very self-aware, and that already gives you a head-start on knowing when you need help. I wish there was something I could do or say, but know that we're all here to listen to you.

Originally Posted by paphia

It's okay to need help. I don't think raising babies all alone in nuclear family setups is biologically normal for us and it makes things that much harder. If there is help, and you can use it, don't feel guilty for utilizing it. You shouldn't have to be a super woman.

SO very true.

[GISDiva]

It's good to write those feelings out, I hope it is one thing that helps you. We're all here with virtual hugs and healing thoughts!

[Chinese Pistache]

How are you feeling today?

[Organicavocado]

Meh, okay. Better than last night for sure.

[mkmama]

It will get better. It will it will it will.

[treehuggermama]

Hang in there Mama. I agree with the pp who said be kind to yourself and to get through one day at a time. And don't be embarrassed about asking for help/accepting help when offered. I firmly believe that we would be a better world if we all embraced the notion that "it takes a village to raise a child".

Hugs to you.

[theatermom]

Not in your DDC, but I couldn't read and not respond. Huge s

First, see if you can get some stronger pain relief. Being in constant pain makes everything much, much harder. There are stronger things than Motrin that you can take while breastfeeding.

After that, just keep accepting whatever help you can get, and get as much rest and water and food as you can, especially high protein, iron rich foods. Then, FULLY give yourself permission to feel however you feel. It's good that you're staying on top of your feelings, so that you know when to call in more/stronger help if necessary, but try not to analyze every single thing -- a woman goes through so many hormonal changes those first weeks, even after a perfectly uneventful birth experience.

What you're feeling is NORMAL after what you've been through. And your babe wants YOU when he wants to nurse.

Hoping that the next few weeks bring you more peace and more comfort, physically and emotionally.

[nutbee]

I wish I could tell you what is normal during the first few months as my first babe had a very rough time and we spents hoards of time in the hospital and some at home when I was frightened, unsupported, and having to handle a very sick little baby, while having some post partum issues myself. I always felt that having these medical issues has affected me long term, particularly my feelings of security and ability to handle stressful situations. Probably a mild form of post tramatic stress disorder. I think I might not be alone there among parents who have had to make medical decisions for their babies that caused them pain and had to deal with medical interference right from the start. No matter how friendly the staff are, the fact that you need to get permission from some stranger to hold your own child messes with your brain.

Anyway, after the dust cleared, I was still crying but we started making our way towards what others would call normal. It got better. Much better after a time. I felt bonded to her, but the hospital and strangeness clung to us for awhile until we had enough time on our own to start replacing those hospital and surgery memories with the every day mundane things, which are precious memories to me now. I found that having a few small rituals throughout the day of things that we both enjoyed to be a saving grace. A bathtime song, another song for breastfeeding, a good morning dance, afternoon book, and a daddy's home routine, even watching dr phil everyday in bed (yah, talk about pp crazies) while jiggling toys for my dd was comforting for both of us. That I ended up doing these small rituals hundreds of times with my dd made her part of me again, not the hospitals.

Though, as I said, I've got some emotional baggage over the whole thing and I desperately wish I could somehow normalize the first part of my daughter's infanthood instead of being what it was. Dealing with it all has been no linear progression. One day good, one day bad. At some point the good ones started to outnumber the bad.

So go easy on yourself, whatever you decide to do during this particularly rough time. And keep finding support wherever you can - it makes a huge difference.

ps, sorry for the essay - I think I needed a bit of mental clearing too

[jsnv]

Everyone asks what is the hardest transition 1kid to 2 kids, 2 kids to 3, etc, I think with out a doubt zero to one is the hardest transition. This is what helped me, I got up every day and took a shower, put on makeup and found someplace to go. Can you drive? I walked the mall, the library, anything. I went on line and found local mommy & me classes, LLL meetings , nino meetings anything to get me out of the house. It was so helpful to see other people during the day. I met other new moms and had coffee or walked laps at the park. When we were home and nursing I watched the food network or read books. I became a great cook that first year.

You will find a groove and it will get easier. You will nurse less and sleep more. Your injuries will heal. You will feel better. You will bond with your baby. You Are a GOOD MOM. Anyone that reads stuff from this ddc knows that.

[meowee]

Can you get a stronger pain med or have a higher dose of OTC meds okayed by a dr?

[Organicavocado]

Thanks everyone. every post helps.

I was on percocet and they won't approve me for another rx. Which I think is crap since my recovery time is TWICE what it is normally (12 weeks) and I was told to expect to be sore for weeks to months. I dont have a GP or an OB so I'm not sure who to ask?

[treehuggermama]

Unfortunately to get a longer term rx for narcotics you typically need to be an established patient with a GP or OB. Many walk in clinics are reluctant to prescribe anything as strong as percocet because of the high rate of abuse of it and the likelihood that many people just want it to sell it on the street (it fetches a lot of money!). However maybe if you go into one and plead your case they might be sympathetic in light of what you are recovering from. In my experience as an RN there really aren't any other oral medications that are as strong as percocet for pain. Darvocet is typically prescribed for c/s pain and is a narcotic but not nearly as strong as percocet.

[pixiepunk]

you've been through so much. and as others have said, it's soooo normal to feel like this even after a totally uneventful birth, especially the first.

i especially wanted to say, though, that wanting the boob *is* wanting you. i know it's hard to see sometimes because it's tied up with hunger as well, but it is such a deep connection and when a baby wants to nurse there is *so* much more than sustenance that he is getting from you each and every time. i know it helped me to really watch my babies nurse - to see their little facial expressions change, to feel their bodies relax in my arms. i would sometimes rub their feet or hold their hand.

the nursing relationship is quite an adventure. there are ups and downs all along the way (at least there have been for me, in 5 years of continuous nursing). there are times when it feels so amazing to know that nursing provides so much for your child, and times when it feels overwhelming.

oh, also on the nursing front, once he's passed that window of concern for nipple confusion, and if your husband is on-board with the idea, you might consider pumping a bottle here and there (especially for at night) so that you can get a more solid block of sleep. it will take a handful of days for your breasts to get the message that you're skipping that feeding and making up for it with pumping at another time of day, but they do get the message and won't be rocks when you do that forever. this is something that helped one of my best friends who suffered from PPD tremendously, as sleep was really, really important for her and it made a huge difference in her ability to cope during the day when she could get a longer stretch of sleep at night. so something to consider.

[Organicavocado]

Its something we have thought about and talked about at length (the bottle) and it might happen.

Things were better today, we stayed in bed all day (the three of us) and both of us feel pretty rested, tonight might be a different story though as Klaus will probably be up clusterfeeding. Ill let you all know in the morning! Two or three bad nights a week would be much better than every. single. night.