Having a rough time. - Page 2

[azjen43]

Hi, Anna!

Just catching up with your posts. I'll be PMing you. ~J

[melanyh]

not that i was a tremendous poster before, but i've been severely absent this past week (we had our baby monday, 4/7 and i dropped off the internet at that point ... )

but i can tell you you're not alone and i did not have a traumatic birth, so i don't mean to compare myself [I]exactly[I] to you. last time w/ds1 i had true trouble making milk (i know all the books, etc. say that's really, really rare & usually means lack of effort, trying, etc.) -- but i tried so so so so hard and had so many LC visits and pumping and working on latches and sleepless nights and crying and severe PPD. i eventually had to do formula & nursing & pumping and got over the guilt of the evil formula eventually.

i assumed things'd be diff this time b/c of diff birth experience, but they're worse and am having all sorts of nursing problems (supply) even w/ds2 at boob sometimes MORE than every two hours AND eating placenta caps AND mothers milk tea. feeding is becoming a dreaded chore b/c of using a SNS b/c of his weight loss ... and like you, i feel terrible for it being an exhausting chore, but it is. seven days out and i barely get droplets from my soft, squishy breasts. i know Soren is getting SOME b/c his poops remaing breastmilky, but damn, it ain't much.

i don't have HALF the physical recovery to make that you do, but i can't imagine having that AND nursing problems. so all i can offer you is support for that. but YOU are important, too & if you think you need zoloft, do no hesitate. i ignored my stuff completely last time and sometimes i can see how it played out in little quirky things about ds1 and my's relationship. it's good, don't get me wrong, but we have our issues and i can (at least in a guilty fog) trace them to resentful feedings and feeling like i was the least qualified person to care for him. that may be a flawed statement, but it's how i feel.

i, and perhaps the proverbial "we" put SO MANY expectations on ourselves (and i did it MROE w/number two and not so much w/number one!) and it's crushing when things change -- ideal world vs. real world. you can sometimes get stuck or mired and trying to figure out what to do. or you know you need to do something differently (like we're having to do SNS w/some formula -- pls don't flame me) but it kills you that it's not what you'd wanted or just two weeks ago had thought you'd ever do. that doesn't make you a bad person, just a PERSON.

part of the reason i've been absent from internet is b/c of my extreme guilt about having to use (choosing to use upon recommendation from LC) SNS/formula for a bit.

try to just take it day to day. thinking long term, and sometimes a week is too long term, is just too much at this point. sometimes all you can do is go from feeding to feeding and just give yourself permission to change things if need be. sometimes a change in persptive will free you a bit.

but that's all easy for me to say and incredibly hard to do when you're hurting & sleep deprived and fragile and new. your speaking of resentment, losing interest, probs w/feeding, though, just spoke to me. you're definitely not alone and i'm sure you will do what's best for your family. sometimes that's such a clear thing before, then after happens and it changes or shifts slightly. that's okay.

sorry for the ramble ...

[splath]

I just wanted to give you a huge I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough time. I've had nowhere near the issues you're having, but I know I'm just realizing that being a mom is really tough, as is this b/f thing, especially at night. It's not all happy go lucky, groovy mama, instincts kicking in kind of thing I would have liked to believe. So I can't even imagine dealing with the issues you've been experiencing. It must be so hard. You've received some great advice here, and I especially agree with taking it day by day or even hour by hour if need be.

In similar lines to melanyh, I haven't been posting much either lately, and it's mostly due to having a c-section. I'm embarrassed and feel guilty that I couldn't have a natural vaginal delivery.

[3for3hb]

Originally Posted by splath

In similar lines to melanyh, I haven't been posting much either lately, and it's mostly due to having a c-section. I'm embarrassed and feel guilty that I couldn't have a natural vaginal delivery.

Awwww... don't be!!!!!! (easier said than done coming from someone who hasn't been there)

Anna, are there any post birth groups or ppd support groups near you?

i have sooo much more to post but typing one handed (he'll scream if i put him down) is slow going... be back later

[Organicavocado]

Im glad this has become kind of a healing thread for more than just me

Last night I lost it.. crying, fighting off panic attacks, I called my mom and she had to talk me down. I just poured my heart out to her.. how I was actually considering formula but knew if I did it I would not be able to forgive myself, I know that we need a breastfeeding relationship or things will get even worse etc. I couldn't see how I could survive one more night.

H slept with Klaus on his chest in the other room. This way he was far enough away that I could sleep, but someone was still holding him. He slept in two 5 hour increments and we all woke rested, so we will try this arrangement "until further notice". I hate to think it but a cosleeping arrangement between this baby and I might not work out. I'm not sure what the solution is yet, but until we find it this is a good temporary situation. As long as Klaus doesn't roll off of him. You know I'm paranoid.

And today breastfeeding has been much better, like a veil has been lifted. The sleep did it for me I think. Nursing every two hours at night was too much, I wasn't able to be patient enough because I was in pain and I don't think he was "finished" when I thought he was.

We went to the pedi today, we are both sick and it isnt making things easier. Today was bearable. Thats saying a lot.

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by Organicavocado

Im glad this has become kind of a healing thread for more than just me

Last night I lost it.. crying, fighting off panic attacks, I called my mom and she had to talk me down. I just poured my heart out to her.. how I was actually considering formula but knew if I did it I would not be able to forgive myself, I know that we need a breastfeeding relationship or things will get even worse etc. I couldn't see how I could survive one more night.

H slept with Klaus on his chest in the other room. This way he was far enough away that I could sleep, but someone was still holding him. He slept in two 5 hour increments and we all woke rested, so we will try this arrangement "until further notice". I hate to think it but a cosleeping arrangement between this baby and I might not work out. I'm not sure what the solution is yet, but until we find it this is a good temporary situation. As long as Klaus doesn't roll off of him. You know I'm paranoid.

And today breastfeeding has been much better, like a veil has been lifted. The sleep did it for me I think. Nursing every two hours at night was too much, I wasn't able to be patient enough because I was in pain and I don't think he was "finished" when I thought he was.

We went to the pedi today, we are both sick and it isnt making things easier. Today was bearable. Thats saying a lot.

Lots of love for you. The every 2hours did not work for me either, I just chime in to my baby (though sometimes it's less than 2 hours). I admire your strength and your "not giving up" attitude!