Help me with a letter, PLEASE!

[sarahmae1]

I'm begging you all for help with a letter that I am writing to my 4yr. old DS's preschool teacher. Here is the very rough draft. I could use all the help I can get! Please respond.


Ms. K,

Other than parents, teachers are often the most important and influential people in the lives of children. I wanted to thank you for being such a great teacher to our children. The reason I chose to send my children to L preschool is because of you. You took the time to talk with me and answer all of my questions. The other reason I am writing to you today, is to voice my concern about the new assistant teacher Ms. W. Just as great teachers can have a very positive impact on children, not-so-great teachers can have a negative effect on children.

Since Ms. W has started at L preschool, I have noticed many changes in Ryan. He has been repeately complaining of stomach, head, and leg pain. He was taken to the Dr. and she suggested he had possible allergies, however after a second Dr. appt. it was concluded that this was not the reason for his pains. Ryan has also been repeately saying that he does not want to go to school, he wants to stay home, and does not like school. He NEVER did this in the past, even during those first couple of months when he was crying every day at drop off. He always looked forward to school, and always told me how much fun it was. Now when I ask him about school, he will not respond. My concerns about Ms. W are that she does not seem very personable, nor friendly. She hasn't said one word to me or my child at drop offs or pick ups. She appears to favor the girls over the boys, when she is interacting with the students. I have observed her talking with some of the girls in the class, but not with any of the boys. Also, I was made aware that Ms. W does not have a teaching degree and while I am aware that this is not a requirement for an assistant I do think it would benefit both the students and yourself as the head teacher to have an assistant with at least a child development and/or teaching degree.

I have talked with at least one other L preschool parent who shares many of my concerns about Ms. W. I would love for Ryan to continue at LCOOR preschool next fall, but if things continue the way that they are right now we may have to consider other options for his schooling.

Sincerly,
Sarah Lastname

[columbusmomma]

I think it expresses your concerns and in a non-threatening way. Is there a "head" person in charge of the school? That person should also hear your concerns too and receive the letter. I would include that person because he/she hired the assistant most likely, and these concerns are very valid and are effecting your son in the classroom environment of that person's school! Also, before sending the letter could you go into the room and observe how the classroom functions? That could shed some additional light too and you could put those observations or areas of concern into the letter too? Good luck! My DS had some similar issues at that age in school.

[mata]

I'd be careful putting that in writing-there are a lot of judgments made and I'm curious if you've observed this woman in the class? If it were me, I'd request a face to face with the director to talk about the changes in your son and how they've happened to coincide with Mrs. W's arrival, but I'd be careful about saying she's responsible for them at this stage. Something that jumped out at me:

"Just as great teachers can have a very positive impact on children, not-so-great teachers can have a negative effect on children."

I think this could be worded differently. It may be off putting that you're implying Mrs. W is not so great-it may very well be true-but if you are looking for their cooperation you might want to tread carefully with that. But then again-I wouldn't put anything in writing at this stage. I'd meet with the director in person and give them an opportunity to observe, and then if I weren't satisfied with how it was handled I'd escalate the communication accordingly.

[Kirsten]

Is this your ds1's second year at this preschool? Did the new assistant's arrival line up with the birth of your ds2? I've heard of similar (I don't feel well/can't go to school) type complaints from kids who have a new sibling and are worried they are missing out on something with mom when away at school.

And I agree with the pps that I'd not put it in writing, but meet with the teacher instead. I also like the idea of volunteering in the classroom at least once before moving forward.

[Mary-Beth]

Honestly, I think you are trying to make the teaching assistant responsible for your son's feelings. He is his own person with his own feelings...other children may receive that teacher's assistant differently and yet that doesn't negate how he seems to be responding, nor does others possibly feeling the same way make his feelings more valid. I'd talk to your child more and find out why he doesn't want to go to school. Try not to lead his answers and just listen and then help problem solve together. If you ask about school and he doesn't talk be sure you ask specific questions (who did you sit next to for xyz time?)

You could take the lead and get to know this teacher. So if the assistant hasn't come to talk to you go introduce yourself and try to get to know this person a bit. Maybe you could plan a little extra time in the classroom??? That would help the assistant get to know you and connect with your child.

Talk to the teacher and ask her how your child seems to be doing during the day. What are his favorite activities? Who does he play with the most?

However, if your child continues to resist school I'd go to the teacher and say just that. For example, ds has started crying when its time to come to school and is quiet about his day, I'm concerned. What do you think could be going on? See what the lead teacher has observed.

[kwg]

awww, poor lo. It is hard when they dont want to go


This would be my letter (minus any grammatical/spelling errors, my lo is a little nuts this am )

Dear Mrs. K

(DS) has always enjoyed your class and has really thrived. I want to thank you for being such a great teacher! Since the month of Whatever, he has been reluctant to go to school and complaining of stomach, leg, and head pain. I have taken him to the doctor to rule out a physical problem and the doctor has (suggested/concluded i dont know) it seems to be related to anxiety about school. HE cries and says he doesnt want to go to school which is so unlike him. How does he seem to be adjusting to Mrs. W? Have there been any other changes in the classroom? How does he behave in class? I would like to meet with you to discuss this and brainstorm some ideas on how we can help DS to look forward to and enjoy school again.

Thank you,
my name
my phone number and times if tht is applicable.

[sarahmae1]

Thank you for the responses so far.

I wanted to write the letter because I am not good at saying what I want to say IRL. The new teacher started aprox. 1 month ago, prior to that there was an assistant that my DS liked very much. Where I live parents don't typically volunteer in the classroom, I've asked. We have confrences set up for Tuesday and I was thinking about giving them the letter then. I am trying to find out who else I should talk to. It's a small private preschool that is part of a larger institution, so I think there is a 'school board' that is in charge of hiring.

[kmeyrick]

I like KWG's amendments. I don't think you have enough information on Mrs. W to make this conclusion that she is not doing right by your boy. Most assistants will not have teaching degrees, since they are not paid enough for that. Pretty much no one with a teaching degree will agree to be an assistant. Your request for that is unrealistic in the world of education. Furthermore, there could have been a reason she was focusing on the girls and may have concentrated on the boys later when you left. A lot of schools are realizing that boys and girls are learning differently, and are trying to adjust their teaching to meet that.

Also, has your boy specifically said that he was scared of Mrs. W? It may not be her at all, but rather, a class bully. It could be that he misses you when you're at home with the baby, and he may feel that he's being pushed away since the new baby is at home. From a preschooler's point of view, I mean. I'm not saying you are pushing him away.

I wouldn't build a reputation as a parent who holds teachers responsible for any changes in her children's behavior. Parents do gain a reputation in schools. Teachers will clam up to you, not trust you, decline your offers to volunteer or chaperone, etc and you will find yourself being shut out.

[GuildJenn]

The issue is the changes in your son, not finding someone to blame (at least not yet). I'm not disagreeing with your instincts about it, but if you come out "swinging" so to speak, you aren't likely to get the most helpful response.

The way the letter is right now, the emphasis is on placing blame on the assistant teacher and you are much more likely to get into an adversarial discussion - and your son's needs are very likely to fall by the wayside. Quoting other parents about it is not helpful unless that person is going to come forward as well. I really like the suggested edit.

[quaz]

Kids often have difficulty with change.
My oldest had an assistant, and she left, and a new one came in. 3 weeks later, dd erupted. MONSTER meltdown in class, just bawling and screaming, when I came into the classroom. (she was hiding under the table, b/c at circle time the assistant was sitting near where my dd would have sat, and dd did not want to sit near her)

I HATE X. I WANT Y TO COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This went on through the parking lot, van and at home.

It wasn't that she hated X.... but she was very upset that y left. Months later.... she is better with it, but she still will state she doesn't like X. The transition was hard, especially since she liked Y.

X's manner is different. I've talked with her outside the room, though, and she is fine.

Your son may be going through a similar thing. Change is not easy for kids, and they express that in different ways.
Tammy

[sarahmae1]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

I like KWG's amendments. I don't think you have enough information on Mrs. W to make this conclusion that she is not doing right by your boy. Most assistants will not have teaching degrees, since they are not paid enough for that. Pretty much no one with a teaching degree will agree to be an assistant. Your request for that is unrealistic in the world of education. Furthermore, there could have been a reason she was focusing on the girls and may have concentrated on the boys later when you left. A lot of schools are realizing that boys and girls are learning differently, and are trying to adjust their teaching to meet that..

At this school, the former assistant teacher and the assistant teacher that they had when my oldested attended both had teaching degrees therefor I don't think its irrelavant or unrealistic for where I live.

This is a play based preschool, so I don't think it has to do w/ boys and girls learning differently.

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

Also, has your boy specifically said that he was scared of Mrs. W? It may not be her at all, but rather, a class bully. It could be that he misses you when you're at home with the baby, and he may feel that he's being pushed away since the new baby is at home. From a preschooler's point of view, I mean. I'm not saying you are pushing him away.

I wouldn't build a reputation as a parent who holds teachers responsible for any changes in her children's behavior. Parents do gain a reputation in schools. Teachers will clam up to you, not trust you, decline your offers to volunteer or chaperone, etc and you will find yourself being shut out..

No, my DS has not said that he is afraid of Ms. W but I have heard her yelling at the children and my DS is very sensative. His changes in behavior have coincided w/ her arrival. This is NOT about me and/or the baby. Prior to this teacher, my DS loved going to school.

[sarahmae1]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

The issue is the changes in your son, not finding someone to blame (at least not yet). I'm not disagreeing with your instincts about it, but if you come out "swinging" so to speak, you aren't likely to get the most helpful response.

The way the letter is right now, the emphasis is on placing blame on the assistant teacher and you are much more likely to get into an adversarial discussion - and your son's needs are very likely to fall by the wayside. Quoting other parents about it is not helpful unless that person is going to come forward as well. I really like the suggested edit.

Thank you for your response. I am not trying to blame anyone, but I have noticed these changes occuring starting shortly after this new teacher started. Do you have any other suggestions?

ETA: I don't get a good 'vibe' from this teacher. My insticts are telling me she is not a good fit w/ my DS. The other parent probably won't come forward at this point, but she said she has noticed the teacher prefers girls and her child is in a different class than my DS.

[LynnS6]

I think you need two paragraphs: ONE outlining the problems your son is having and the SECOND outlining the problems with the new teacher. Don't directly link the 2 (though if the head teacher is good, she'll get the connection). But you have some legitimate concerns about the new teacher, even if she isn't the cause of your son's distress. Many places have 6 week - 6 month 'probationary' period and you want these things to be known about the new teacher early on.

If it were me, I would give the letter to the teachers BEFORE the conference so they had a chance to think about it. You can tell them "sometimes I have a hard time getting the right thing said, so I wanted to write my concerns out and give you a chance to look over them before the conference on Tuesday."

Paragraph 1:
I have noticed many changes in Ryan in the last month or so. He has been repeately complaining of stomach, head, and leg pain. He was taken to the Dr. and it was concluded that there was no medical or physical reason for his pain. The doctor suggested it might be anxiety about school. Ryan has also been repeately saying that he does not want to go to school, he wants to stay home, and does not like school. He NEVER did this in the past, even during those first couple of months when he was crying every day at drop off. He always looked forward to school, and always told me how much fun it was. Now when I ask him about school, he will not respond. I am concerned about this sudden change in his behavior and would like to talk with you about

Paragraph 2:
In addition, I have a few concerns about the new assistant, Ms. W. I have seen several things about her interaction with the children in the classroom that disturb me. First ,she does not seem very personable, nor friendly. She hasn't said one word to me or my child at drop offs or pick ups. This creates a very bad impression upon parents and gives me an uncomfortable feeling. A preschool should feel like a warm and welcoming place to a child and a parent, and right now, your school doesn't. In addition, several parents and I have noted that she appears to favor the girls over the boys when she is interacting with the students. I have observed her talking with some of the girls in the class, but not with any of the boys. More concerning is that I have observed her yelling at several children, which does not meet my expectations of how a preschool teacher should behave. I am concerned that Ms. W is not a good fit for the school or perhaps lacks sufficient training to be an effective assistant at this time.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by sarahmae1

Thank you for your response. I am not trying to blame anyone, but I have noticed these changes occuring starting shortly after this new teacher started. Do you have any other suggestions?

ETA: I don't get a good 'vibe' from this teacher. My insticts are telling me she is not a good fit w/ my DS. The other parent probably won't come forward at this point, but she said she has noticed the teacher prefers girls and her child is in a different class than my DS.

I like Lynn's suggestions too and her point about probation is good.

For myself, I would just start by describing the changes in my son's behaviour and stating that they coincide with the new teacher's arrival and ask for the school's help. Then if they didn't sort of come up with a plan that involved looking at the new teacher's interactions (as well as anything else that could be a factor) I might push a little harder.

Again, I don't disagree with your instincts. I think you are probably right. It's more about what will be effective in dealing with the school about it.

When I was an ed assistant I saw a number of parent complaints come through the school, and I think it's just human that if a letter starts with a complaint about a teacher way too often the first response on the part of the people who hired, trained, and are currently giving that person responsibility is to explain to the parent why the teacher is a decent and fine teacher. (Whether this is actually the case or not.) Because they make the decision every day to keep her there, they already are invested in their view of her as a good match.

By approaching them in a less adversarial way you will give them the space to reach that conclusion WITH you and be on board.

[sarahmae1]

LynnS6 - Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!