My 3rd Dance With The PPDemon

[Onemagicmummy]

yeh like it says. i had it with Ds1 (really bad, i saw myself drowning him in the bath but didnt and got help, i never got it with DD1 as i got pregnant with DS2 when she was about 12 weeks old, i had it quite mild with DS2
and now we have DD2 and i feel ike absolute CRAP

she is almost 7 month old(same age DS2 was) and i feel
dejected, sad, low, lonely, dont want to be alone, snappy, headaches alot, tired alot tho i sleep ok, i dont want to be around the kids somedays. dont get me wrong i love em to bits but somedays they jsut annoy me if they so much as look at me at the wrong time. i snap, yell, shout, i dont listen, i sit and muy PC almost all day and hardly do anything with the kids, we dont go out places, i have no friends.

DH works 12 hours 3 on 3 off. i hate it, i hate him comeinghome after kids are in bed, he has been off sick for 2 month and is just going back now nad i am dreading it.

we have had a pretty rought 7 months, New baby, moving house, quite bad trouble with negibours that culminated in teh bloke next door attacking my husband in our home, in front of our children, the whole item Evie was screaming and i could not attend to her and i felt so bad, i had to help DH who was on the floor being beaten, i tried to make sure the kids saw little of it but jsut after i calle dthe police and removed a plank of wood for the attackers had in walks our 2yr old shouting at the man to "getoff my daddy" naked and dripping from the bath i just hauled him from. i scurried him away again and pleaded with DH to let go, pleaded with teh attacker to let go adn get out my house, he did, they (his twins were behind him kicking, jumping on my husband, they are 15) left, police came, he was eventual arrested, plead not guilty and now we have to go to court on 23rd June.
they have since been evicted and no longer LIVE here but the twins are always here seeing their grana dn the attacker was here to day picking up paving slabs from his old house. im thinking if he can come all teh way here from where ever he is for paving slabs he can come here to start stuff again, DH says he wont cos it will be worse for him as witness intimidation is a crime too, but i still dont feel safe alone

i told my mum i felt i was slipping and she said it was just stress from moving, it doesnt feel like that, i feel disconected, fragile, alone, dejected, like noting is worth the effort as i get no enjoyment out of anything i love to do.

before all this i have had a 4yr fight to keep my kids, Social Services were involved but had ended involvment now, i suck at house work adn they said that cous i could keep house i was neglecting the kids needs. im better now but i still slip so easily and i am worried telling my HV im ill again my start a whole new battle with SS.

i hate my home, i dont feel safe, i feel trapped and exposed, i want out but have no way of doing so, we cant buy a place, we cant move. only option is to get on transfer list for somewhere else ASAP that could still take years. if i had my way i would leave the area all together and move to a more rural area. i may look into that and see what we can do. i cant work yet as Evie is BF and i have no qualification adn we cant afford childcare.

anyway that sme and my story in a nutshell(ish)

Kiz

[MommytoTwo]

Oh mama .... I have been there... you are not alone...((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) Can you maybe see a new dr or mw who doesnt know your history so that you can feel safe asking for help?

[Surfacing]

I couldn't read and not post a

[SunnieP]

I feel so bad for your babies....

[Onemagicmummy]

Yeah, thanks for that...not sure what its supposed to mean...

Kiz

[Strong Mama]

HIya. I had severe PPD when my wee one was bout 2 months old and got help as I knew what it was(had it with my other son too) I think you need to phone the midwife and talk to her asap. Or go to the health clinic and have your baby weighed and have a chat with them about how you feel and get some help, get meds if you have to, for now.
then, after you feel better, get a clearer head, you can think about the moving bit. I dont know where you live in England, but I lived in Westbury and loved it. Its a nice little town and rural, low crime rate, etc. Of course, you would have to find something down that way, perhaps you can considering your circumstances. But first you need to feel better and getting the right meds will help you. Also, do you go out any? Find a weekly church playgroup to go to or a weekly breastfeeding meeting. YOU NEED MATES~~~ they saved me!! Get out. I dont care how crap you feel at the time, get dressed and go to the playgroups. You will meet mums, they will help you feel better and give you support. When I was so down and out and sick my midwife gave me a good kickin up the arse and made me go out at least once a week. It helped me so so much.As for the housework, when you are depressed, nobody does housework. So when you get the meds it will help with the housework bit as well. If you could come up with a small schedule where you just do at least one room a day for now, that will help you feel accomplished. Try to get rid of clutter in the house, all the kids junk toys that make tidying harder and get the kids to pitch in and help you too. I hope you feel better!!!

[Onemagicmummy]

hi thanks for the reply.
i do go out just no during haslf term. i go to two kids groups a eek one for the 2yr old on a monday morning and one for the 3yr old on a wednesday afternoon or if DH is off work i go to BF group. during half term the play groups are closed and i cant take 4 rug rats to BF group.

i live in north east england.

hosueworks not too bad but hten i only do the minimum like washing dishes, hoovering, laundry, bathroom etc, the kids rooms get left untill DH does them. most of kids junk toys got chucked when we moved so thats not a problem.

i dont seem to be able to make friends easily adn when i do they are always too busy to come see me, one "friend" i have walks past my hosue twice a day yet never calls, i have accepted that im jsut not important enought to anybody for them to actualy give a crap about me. i swear that if DS1 was not at school i could go MONTHS with out anybody wondering where i am.

i also have to keep turing down playdates out as i cant afford to go where my friends want to go and its either too cold, raining or too far for me to go anywhere else. they dont get it, they have one child to pay for i have 4 (3 if DS1 is in school) they dont get that i cant meet at 2.30 for a coffe or got to soft paly as i have to collect DS1 at 3.15. it jsut dosent work.

we cant move, we cant afford it, i jsut need to get on and keep going.

Kiz

[Surfacing]

Well mama, what about the basics? Can you make taking care of yourself a little bit of a priority, like making sure you are eating decently, sleeping decently, getting a walk in the sun, taking a multivitamin? When you have PPD it feels OVERWHELMING to do pretty much anything. What about family around you? Are they near at all?

Does dh have any ideas for giving you a break? How did you deal with the PPD in the past? Was he helpful to you in the past and is he supportive now?

[Onemagicmummy]

i am pretty strict on eating adn sleeping, i love sleep, i hate waking up.
i eat with the kids so i at least get 2 meals a day.
getting a break is pretty hard at the mo as Evie is so clingy, she will jsut NOT go to anybody else this past few days. its annoying as i jstu want a moment to pee, eat with out her trying to grab it off me, have a bath bu i cant and im hoping its jsut a phase we can work through. this evening i was jsut touched out, i had held her for ages adn she was fighting against me flaling adn almsot falling, i gave her to daddy adn he hugged her, she cried and kept shooting me "mommy i want you" looks till she fell asleep, i felt so bad but i jstu had it. it was that or lose my temper.
its gonna get harder as DH will be working 12 hours 3 on 3 off from thursday so i have no rest those days.
i dont go out much but soon i will be back to my normal routine of school runs adn groups and i might add in a library visit(im worried as i own library money for lost books, so i cant really go cos i cant afford to pay them and im worried they will tell me off)


family i have my dad but he works 2 jobs and comes over once a week.
mum lives 180 miles away we see her 3-4 times a year.
my cousin pops over once in a while and thats it

DH is great, he is as supportive as he can be, he does teh hosuework on bad days, he does bed times when he is home, he gets up eoth the kids in the morning and does breakfasts. he has been great througth all out 3 times. he is trying to get his shifts chaged from 12 hours 3 on 3 off to 8-4 so he is home for tea time adn bed time which are super stressfull and i am planning on getting him to help me implement so more structured bedtime routines, we are going to get some Acountible Kids stuff soon

last time i got throught it on Bach Rescue Remedy for super bad times and homeopathic remeber i reserched on the internet (sepia, nto sure if that one id relevent this time, more research needed)

i am treating my self to a hair cut soon, doesnt seem like much but i have needed it done since middle Feburary last year and kept puttin git off cos i could afford it adn could dye it as was pregnant, so im hoping atht once i get the style i like back i will feel better about ME, tho knowing me ill get it done and feel bad for wasting money on me(i NEVER buy anything for me unless i REALLY need it, in fact it took DH 6 months to get me to buy some new shoes as i didnt want to spend money on shoes, i NEEDED them my sneakers (Converse all stars rock) were falling to bits but no i would nto buy new shoes, i relentd and he got me new shoes, i like em but still feel bad that i spent £60 on shoes for me, tho they should lkast a good few years yet.

tahts jsut me. anyway im rembling and its late. off ot bed for me
thansk for the reply
Kiz

[flapjack]

I started a post telling you all the ways that could fix your life, and then thought I'd ask what you wanted right now? Do you want advice, or can I help most by just listening?

[Onemagicmummy]

i have no idea what i want.

i really dont.

i dont want to fall in to the black hole again. i would ring my HV troday but house is NOT goodenought, itrs not bad but its not good enought, needs a tidy/hoover/dishes done/laundry done but DD1 woke up sick and DD2 is a Mommy Adict who will not be put down at all. i am going to do some house work as best i can but no matter how hard i do it tit wont be good enought so i cant call her out and i cant trapse a sick DD to clinic.

Kiz

[Strong Mama]

i dont want to fall in to the black hole again. i would ring my HV troday but house is NOT goodenought, itrs not bad but its not good enought, needs a tidy/hoover/dishes done/laundry done but DD1 woke up sick and DD2 is a Mommy Adict who will not be put down at all. i am going to do some house work as best i can but no matter how hard i do it tit wont be good enought so i cant call her out and i cant trapse a sick DD to clinic.

YOu know that was the word I was trying to remember...health visitor, not midwife!! I KNEW I was saying the wrong word! oops!
Anyway, in my experience with the HV they do not care if your house is tidy/not tidy they just care about YOU and your kids. Once, I was rushing about trying to tidy for HV and my house was so so and she said oh youre house is too clean no wonder youre ill! If you want help and I know you really really want the help you deserve you need to ring them. No, you dont need to trapse sick dd out but you can ring and have a chat with them. You know whats going on with yourself, you said so yourself. Maybe you cant go about moving right now, but you really dont need to anyway, moving wont make you better when you have PPD. Oh, have you visited this UK website..
http://www.pni-uk.com/messages/

This is a GREAT website full of mums suffering with PPD and you might have a few in your area. The admins are brilliant supporters and nobody judges you there, please take a look, this board was a saviour for me during my really really tough times. I had perinatal psycosis which is hallucinating and wanting to kill people, they wanted to hospitalize me, but luckily the meds helped me.
I hope I dont sound so tough on you i just understand the way you feel totally. And if you need tot alk pm me ifyou want!

[Onemagicmummy]

Originally Posted by Transitions

Anyway, in my experience with the HV they do not care if your house is tidy/not tidy they just care about YOU and your kids

Problem is my HV DOES care about my house, if i have pots lying around, unhoovered floor, unmade beds(as i have right now cos hte sheets are in the wash after DD thre up on them) toys everywhere, piles of laundry she will have a go at me. i only got my case is closed letter from SS yesterday and i was with tem cos im no good at house work adn they said i was neglecting the kids so if they think i cant manage when im well what they gonna think when im NOT well. they keep saying they want to help but i cant help not believing them. i dunno, i keep umming and arhhing

heck ill see after a cuppa and i get a nappy on this sleeping booby adict
Kiz

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by Onemagicmummy

Problem is my HV DOES care about my house, if i have pots lying around, unhoovered floor, unmade beds(as i have right now cos hte sheets are in the wash after DD thre up on them) toys everywhere, piles of laundry she will have a go at me. i only got my case is closed letter from SS yesterday and i was with tem cos im no good at house work adn they said i was neglecting the kids so if they think i cant manage when im well what they gonna think when im NOT well.

Geez, my home often has dishes in the sink, is unhoovered, with unmade beds, etc. I mean, what are we talking here?

[Strong Mama]

Geez, my home often has dishes in the sink, is unhoovered, with unmade beds, etc. I mean, what are we talking here?

I know. Really.

Ok the HV is not going to go ballistic over that stuff. If she does, ask for another HV, there is always more than one HV. I understand you are very worried about the social coming in and taking your kids if you ask for help, but they WONT. Look, they have already closed the case that they had opened and that says it all. You are a great mum and if you werent you wouldnt be on here asking for help. I know its too late now today but first thing in the morning, ring your HV, please. Or a different one. ((HUGS))

[flapjack]

With your doctor and social services in your corner, you have a strong case for getting moved to another house. If you don't feel you can talk to your health visitor then go to your GP and tell them honestly that you don't feel able to talk to your HV because of the importance she places on housework. Don't let it stop you getting the help you need.

Several years ago, we were reported to Social Services for "neglect"- our housing officer saw the extent of Isaac's eczema and the untidy house and assumed that we hadn't taken him to a doctor. Social worker came round, saw his yellow books (both of them- he was four months old at the time and had filled one already, he'd spent so much time with me trying to get help for him) and decided not to open a case. She saved my life, probably literally- when I was trying to get out of an abusive marriage, she got the council to offer me a place without my husband when we were living in temporary accommodation. Sometimes the system actually works