|It sounds to me like you're angry about the situation. You migh not have yelled at him, but your anger and resentment about having to deal with you BIL is bleeding all over this thread, and I suspect it bleeds over into your relationship with DN.
I just want to respond to this. I have this situation. DH's nephew, and also mine since we are married after all and our children share blood with this poor child, bothers me excessively. And I never raise my voice. I never say a single mean thing. I invite him over. I try very hard to be nice to him. And there is no doubt in his mind that I don't like him. Make no mistake, kids know this. It's our paraverbals that count, not our verbals, and additionally, just like we have our own instincts, so do they. Kids probably have better developed instincts because they haven't trained themselves to turn it off yet. And I try, believe me. I know he's not bad. I know he just has a disinterested mother and really, my ire is toward her. Can't stand her for so many reasons. Yet it bleeds onto him. And so he avoids us and I feel awful about it but also helpless to control it. I'm the grown up. I'm even a psychologist. I know better!
So my point diamondlil, is that it shows. It shows here and I think your frustration with whatever part of your BIL/SIL/DN it is that is frustrating you is showing and he feels it.
Mama, trust us here on this point, if on no other. When you look into that baby's face that you're having, your love, your feelings of wanting to protect, will overtake you. Your dn felt that way to someone once. And he deserves it even now. And with so many aching hearts for him here, there must be something to that, no? He didn't ask to be born, or to have parents divorce, or to be abandoned, week after week, day after day, with relatives who aren't his mommy and daddy. If you can find it in you, love him like your own. I know it's hard. But I swear this, each year as my children age, I keep going, "Oh! I get it!" and I think back to situations like this and know that it's not all pathology.
I'm not saying go back and talk to him again or anything like that. He's probably feeling so done with it all and so are you. I'm saying, from this day forward, love him. I resolve to do the same.