Feeling embarassed and guilty

[splath]

that I had a c-section when I didn't want one. I know deep down, that we did everything we could to do things natural, and I did labor for over 24 hours, but it still sucks. I feel as though I let everyone down, especially my little girl and dh. Like if I were stronger, it would have made a difference.
I just wanted to write that out. I'm having a hard time letting it go.

[tinyshoes]

http://ican-online.org/

ICAN offers monthly meeting groups in many places....maybe in a while, you and your lil' babe might appreciate connecting with some other mamas IRL.

[ZoshaMosha]

I'm sorry you're feeling badly about the birth.

We try to avoid c-sections, it's true, but there are times when they are medically called for--it sounds like your case is one of them. You're strong because you DID give birth to your beautiful baby--granted it wasn't the way you had hoped.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Jennisee]

A huge for you.

[3for3hb]

I so sorry you are having to deal with these feelings in addition to all the other new mom stuff.

I was at a midwife doula conference a couple weeks ago and they had a panel of moms talking about having c sections and then going for VBAC... all of them said what helped them through healing emotionally most was joining a VBAC group - that talking your story out with people who can relate is very healing.

[tarajean56]

I felt the same way. I had my own sadness/anger/disappointment to deal with, and then all the embarrassment of feeling like I had to explain to everyone else why my "plan" got all messed up.

Its ok to feel that way, even if most people don't get it. Don't feel like you have a time limit of feeling that way either, its ok to have a hard time letting it go.

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I understand it completely.

[BensMom]

I hear ya. I really understand. It sucks. I fought as much as I could against mine with DD and in the end, I felt ganged up on by everyone (my HB MWs, my DH, my OB, even my baby for going postdates) and in the end I gave in and had the dumb surgery. Now I wish I could go back in time and fight harder, but whats done is done. Our local ICAN group is fabulous. So much strength in one place at the meetings is very inspiring.

[GISDiva]

I'm so sorry your birth wasn't what you hoped. I'm glad you're sharing your feelings, that's a good start to processing them. I hope the next few weeks are healing for you.

[scifimama]

i hope that you can start to feel better. but you know, birth is only the beginning of being a mother. you will be a great nurturing and loving mommy (you already are) to that baby girl. it's what you do after the birth that makes you just as much of a mother as the birth itself.
enjoy that new baby! and have a great, healing babymoon!

[Ironica]

One thing that helped (helps) me in coping with being a c-section mama is to ask this question: what would/could I have done differently? And, what would it have taken to make that happen differently?

In my case, if I'd had different or more information about some things, I would have made different decisions. But how was I to get that information? We took a 10-week birthing class, never missed a class, did our reading, took notes, kept all our handouts. We used a midwife practice instead of a conventional, mainstream OB. I read my book (which was What To Expect... unfortunately). I joined a due date club, but the one I found was on Parenthood.com. I simply didn't find the resources I needed to have the information that would have changed our decisions... but it's *not* because I didn't TRY.

And, what also really helped was, our care providers were good at leaving us in the driver's seat. Yes, I wish they'd had different recommendations. But that's what they were, was recommendations. We weren't railroaded or guilt-tripped into anything. We were told matter-of-factly what their interpretation of the information was, what the risks were, and what they'd recommend, and then left ALONE to discuss things and make decisions. So, in the end, we did feel like they were OUR decisions. I think that's pretty unusual in this day and age.

I know now that the two things that probably contributed the most to my c-section happened a month or two before the birth, and I really couldn't have predicted their impact on the outcome at the time. That makes it a lot easier to accept that sh*t happens.

[melibee]

I'm sorry that you had to have a c-section- it does suck (btdt), but there are definitely times when it is necessary. That does NOT make you a failure in any way.

I'm so glad that your LO made it here safely.

[mkmama]

Oh man...huge huge because i have so been there. I still have my moments. It took me 2 years to grieve DS' cs birth. I labored 27 hours and my body gave out. If i hadn't been so stubborn and had gotten and epidural (i had super fast hard labor the whole time)...i probably could have rested and done it. I even got my hospital record so i could go through it for more perspective.

Just know it takes time and I'm SO sorry you have to go through this. Allow yourself to grieve the birth you wanted, and even tho yes you have a healthy girl...it is still a rite of passage we cs feel jipped on. I so understand.

:

[eastkygal]

... I'm so sorry you are feeling this way mama. It does take some time to process our experience. I think in some ways our body mourns the loss as well, and that can be hard. I had an unecessary c-section because I was uneducated about the birth climate of the city we are in, and I trusted OBs too much. Even when everything in my told me to run from the doc that gave me my c-section, I felt I had to listen or my babe would die. It turned out to be a ridiculous fiasco. I was embarrassed and felt guilty for a long time too. Now, I realize it wasn't my fault, or my body's fault. It isn't your fault either.

I definitely recommend joining your local chapter of ICAN or another VBAC group. It is empowering and very informative. It has helped me heal so much. Just in our group of 36 or so, in the last 2 months we have had 5 VBACs (2 of them HBACs) and I'm hoping to be the 3rd HBAC anytime. Your journey isn't over mama, and you can reclaim yourself.

[momtoafireteam]

I hear you. I am having bad issues with my failed VBAC. I actually am starting to think I need some outside help for it. So I dont have any advice, just empathy.