I just got back online after weeks away and I was so excited to get here and hear about everyone's births and waiting...
I'm surprised at my reaction to reading here now...I'm on the verge of tears. I'm so happy for those of you with healthy little people. Guess I just wish I was one.
Jacob arrived 3/26 at the birth center. I thought I'd have a water birth, but while I spent hours in the tub, when it came time to push, I wanted out. My little man wasn't even out yet when everyone was talking about his hair - full head of dark curls. DH caught him. I had a wonderfully natural, unmedicated birth...we joked about having more fun than we should have been having as we (my midwives, DH, and I) chatted and laughed between contractions.
After DH caught him, Jacob was put on my chest, peed on me, and we just stared at each other for a while. When they finally weighed him, they announced he was 4 lbs 8 oz...a far cry from the 8 lbs I was expecting. Eventually, they checked his glucose and it was low...they sent him across the street to the hospital (swaddled and zipped up in DH's coat!) and naive me...I really believed they were just going to check him and send him back.
Next thing I knew, they're calling the birth center to ask me for permission to give him Vitamin K - DH wouldn't give them consent...apparently, he and my father (who walked over with them) told the doctor and nurses they were afraid of me and couldn't consent without talking to me. 3 hours after giving birth, the "we think he's fine, just have to draw some blood and need to give him K and then we'll give him back" line made sense. I was admitted to the hospital within 20 minutes of that phone call in order to be close to my baby during his stay.
When I got to the hospital, I heard about all the nurses AND the doctor telling DH the baby looked nothing like him and asking who the father was. Really? A first time father comes to the NICU with a brand new baby and you loudly and rudely question paternity? You couldn't be nice to him for an hour? Then I was bombarded with "didn't you take a prenatal? did you smoke? drink? I assume the hospital was not in your birth plan?" You're right, my son is so tiny because I smoked crack for 9 months...probably with the man who actually fathered my child seeing as it couldn't have been my DH. I hate hospitals.
Jacob pulled out his IV his first day in NICU...and his feeding tube his second or third. His doctor managed to make me feel like a totally incompetent mother because I couldn't feed him as much as she wanted me to. 6 days AFTER leaving the hospital, the ped discovered Jacob's cleft palate. So, he wasn't eating well because he physically couldn't create enough suction. Poor baby, he'll never be able to nurse...so I'm tethered to the pump as I refuse to give him formula now that we're home. We have a special bottle and nipple designed to feed infants with clefts and it requires twice as much milk as he'll take...so I'm throwing out breast milk everyday. It makes me ill. I've since been told the fact that he's been gaining weight and not in the hospital is amazing...maybe I'm not such a loser mom after all?
At some point, DH turned around and they put the eye goop in...DH screamed at the nurse who told him they had mother's consent...DH laughed and told her there was no effing way I'd consented. It was wiped off, but it still upsets me...as does the doctor telling me she was worried about the baby because of my GBS status. I laughed and asked why...if I refused the antibiotic, I would have risked out of the birth center, so I had the IV at 1:30 AM, my water broke at 4:30 AM, and he was born at 6AM...the antibiotic was effective for 9 hours...where's the problem??? She let it go after that.
As soon as we got his glucose stabilized, they told me he was jaundiced...then they heard a murmur...and found an ASD and VSD - the ASD isn't such a big deal, but we're concerned about the VSD. So I walked the halls of the hospital to feed my baby and get yelled at by the doc every 3 hours. It tore my heart out to stick a formula filled bottle in his little mouth...but I did it until I had enough to pump and feed him with. All the time I spent NOT in bed has cost me a bit...I popped a stitch and now have a hole in my labia that can only be repaired by cutting and sewing.
At some point, I was yelled at by a nurse for taking my son's hat off to show his hair to my brother.
When they put him under the billi lights, they began timing our feedings. I had 30 minutes to get 25 CCs into him every 3 hours or a nurse emptied the bottled into his feeding tube. 30 minutes every 3 hours - that was all the physical contact we had with him for 2 1/2 days. I almost never got "enough" food into him...and was berated for being inexperienced and incapable.
Friday night, they began hedging and telling us they might not "let" him go home Saturday. The pediatric cardiologist we're using had looked at Jacob's test results and said there was no reason to hold him for his heart, his jaundice level had dropped, and despite the fact I didn't know what was wrong with my baby, I knew they weren't helping him. So, DH announced to the nurses that he "knows what AMA means and (he'd) do it!" They nervously laughed about checking his bag before he left, but he came home with us on Saturday.
So, now this poor little person sees 3 doctors a week, on average. We'll get through it, but right now, I'm angry and scared. I don't feel like I'm qualified to make some of these decisions for him. Usually, though, I'm pretty much together and trying my best to do what I think/know is best...even if it doesn't necessarily coincide with what the medical people are telling me. I thank him everyday for choosing our family. I'm fairly certain he's going to teach me a lot more than I'll teach him. He's already hammered home the lesson in my lack of control over the universe. I'm completely in love with this 5 lb guy sleeping on my chest...even if he's too small for his swing, diapers, and carriers.
I hope we don't have any more medical surprises...but if we do, we deal. For now, I'm going to hug my baby and be grateful he's here.
I'm surprised at my reaction to reading here now...I'm on the verge of tears. I'm so happy for those of you with healthy little people. Guess I just wish I was one.
Jacob arrived 3/26 at the birth center. I thought I'd have a water birth, but while I spent hours in the tub, when it came time to push, I wanted out. My little man wasn't even out yet when everyone was talking about his hair - full head of dark curls. DH caught him. I had a wonderfully natural, unmedicated birth...we joked about having more fun than we should have been having as we (my midwives, DH, and I) chatted and laughed between contractions.
After DH caught him, Jacob was put on my chest, peed on me, and we just stared at each other for a while. When they finally weighed him, they announced he was 4 lbs 8 oz...a far cry from the 8 lbs I was expecting. Eventually, they checked his glucose and it was low...they sent him across the street to the hospital (swaddled and zipped up in DH's coat!) and naive me...I really believed they were just going to check him and send him back.
Next thing I knew, they're calling the birth center to ask me for permission to give him Vitamin K - DH wouldn't give them consent...apparently, he and my father (who walked over with them) told the doctor and nurses they were afraid of me and couldn't consent without talking to me. 3 hours after giving birth, the "we think he's fine, just have to draw some blood and need to give him K and then we'll give him back" line made sense. I was admitted to the hospital within 20 minutes of that phone call in order to be close to my baby during his stay.
When I got to the hospital, I heard about all the nurses AND the doctor telling DH the baby looked nothing like him and asking who the father was. Really? A first time father comes to the NICU with a brand new baby and you loudly and rudely question paternity? You couldn't be nice to him for an hour? Then I was bombarded with "didn't you take a prenatal? did you smoke? drink? I assume the hospital was not in your birth plan?" You're right, my son is so tiny because I smoked crack for 9 months...probably with the man who actually fathered my child seeing as it couldn't have been my DH. I hate hospitals.
Jacob pulled out his IV his first day in NICU...and his feeding tube his second or third. His doctor managed to make me feel like a totally incompetent mother because I couldn't feed him as much as she wanted me to. 6 days AFTER leaving the hospital, the ped discovered Jacob's cleft palate. So, he wasn't eating well because he physically couldn't create enough suction. Poor baby, he'll never be able to nurse...so I'm tethered to the pump as I refuse to give him formula now that we're home. We have a special bottle and nipple designed to feed infants with clefts and it requires twice as much milk as he'll take...so I'm throwing out breast milk everyday. It makes me ill. I've since been told the fact that he's been gaining weight and not in the hospital is amazing...maybe I'm not such a loser mom after all?
At some point, DH turned around and they put the eye goop in...DH screamed at the nurse who told him they had mother's consent...DH laughed and told her there was no effing way I'd consented. It was wiped off, but it still upsets me...as does the doctor telling me she was worried about the baby because of my GBS status. I laughed and asked why...if I refused the antibiotic, I would have risked out of the birth center, so I had the IV at 1:30 AM, my water broke at 4:30 AM, and he was born at 6AM...the antibiotic was effective for 9 hours...where's the problem??? She let it go after that.
As soon as we got his glucose stabilized, they told me he was jaundiced...then they heard a murmur...and found an ASD and VSD - the ASD isn't such a big deal, but we're concerned about the VSD. So I walked the halls of the hospital to feed my baby and get yelled at by the doc every 3 hours. It tore my heart out to stick a formula filled bottle in his little mouth...but I did it until I had enough to pump and feed him with. All the time I spent NOT in bed has cost me a bit...I popped a stitch and now have a hole in my labia that can only be repaired by cutting and sewing.
At some point, I was yelled at by a nurse for taking my son's hat off to show his hair to my brother.
When they put him under the billi lights, they began timing our feedings. I had 30 minutes to get 25 CCs into him every 3 hours or a nurse emptied the bottled into his feeding tube. 30 minutes every 3 hours - that was all the physical contact we had with him for 2 1/2 days. I almost never got "enough" food into him...and was berated for being inexperienced and incapable.
Friday night, they began hedging and telling us they might not "let" him go home Saturday. The pediatric cardiologist we're using had looked at Jacob's test results and said there was no reason to hold him for his heart, his jaundice level had dropped, and despite the fact I didn't know what was wrong with my baby, I knew they weren't helping him. So, DH announced to the nurses that he "knows what AMA means and (he'd) do it!" They nervously laughed about checking his bag before he left, but he came home with us on Saturday.
So, now this poor little person sees 3 doctors a week, on average. We'll get through it, but right now, I'm angry and scared. I don't feel like I'm qualified to make some of these decisions for him. Usually, though, I'm pretty much together and trying my best to do what I think/know is best...even if it doesn't necessarily coincide with what the medical people are telling me. I thank him everyday for choosing our family. I'm fairly certain he's going to teach me a lot more than I'll teach him. He's already hammered home the lesson in my lack of control over the universe. I'm completely in love with this 5 lb guy sleeping on my chest...even if he's too small for his swing, diapers, and carriers.
I hope we don't have any more medical surprises...but if we do, we deal. For now, I'm going to hug my baby and be grateful he's here.
I'm so sorry about the rough start, but your love for your son and your strength really shine through in your words. You are doing a great job.
:
to you and your DH and Jacob.
: Welcome Jacob!
