Is this depression, will I get over it?

[Veilibi]

Hello everyone. I lurk here a lot, but finally decided this might be the best place to write what I'm about to write. Sorry if it gets real long but I am still literally shaking from my realization tonight.

I feel like I've been hit by a mack truck tonight. I need to get these things off my chest. I guess I'll give a bit of backstory.

First, I have no one really to talk to. Partly by "choice" most say. I don't have any friends and the only person I really had any love for died 4 years ago. My mother and I are not really that close as she tends to flip out and yell and argue any time I've brought up something... "abnormal" in the past.
My father just criticizes and makes fun of everything I do and think because he's one of those kinds of republicans.
With my husband, I try to talk to him about this but, it's like talking to air, honestly. I think he just thinks that "mental" problems will waft away if he ignores them or he's not taking me seriously. I don't know what it is, but any other (happier) time he's been my best friend.

I have a pretty moderate (I'd guess) case of social anxiety. About this time two years ago, we just discovered that Oops!, I was pregnant. I'll have to be frank and say this was devastating for me as I was one of those women who I guess everyone would call nasty because I really don't like children too much. However, the devastation kind of faded in the last months and the idea of a baby became appealing to me. I even knew it was going to be a boy. (we asked to not be told what gender it was the one time we went to the dr.) Lo, my son was born and I can easily say I love him dearly. Love is extremely hard for me to feel, although I don't think I'll get into that.

I figured things might be just fine despite this Oops. I would raise my son the way I saw fit because my family would respect me now, being an adult and all and starting my own family. Ha. I made the idiotic mistake of telling my mother I was considering a home birth. That was quite a...discussion we'll call it. Then my parents were present when a Dr. came in and asked me if I wanted to circumsize. Man, you'd think I was taking orders directly from Satan by opting to leave his penis be. Then came the vaccination "debate". And currently we are having a lot of "tension" over my no-television rules and my strict schedule (naptime and bedtime) which I won't explain in detail except to say that I am blessed with a baby that sleeps from 9-10pm til 7-8am 9 out of 10 nights. And I believe it's because we're on a great schedule/routine and I don't want it destroyed. Because honestly, I don't think I should push the limits of my stress.

Then, 8-9 months later, we discovered another Oops. Only this time it was more like a whole book full of profanity than an Oops to me. Keep in mind when I say all this Oops stuff, I hold no contempt for the baby, but I hold myself in contempt, for being stupid and careless. Devastation was not a strong enough word the second time around. Obliterated, maybe?

I immediately talked to my husband and told him that there was absolutely no way I'd be able to handle two children, especially when my ideal number would have been zero. He agreed, in the beginning, with me. He knew (or pretended) that I would not be mentally strong enough to deal with two children. So I said we should bring up the subject of adoption to our parents. Well I did with mine. My mother was quite upset. She is very determined that I am not to give any babies up for adoption, but that I am to give them to her.

Well, she gave me to her mother (my grandmother, whom I still consider my real mother) well before I turned 2. As I got older, like 5-7, my parents would come visit and I'd want to spend the night with them. 80% chance they wouldn't let me. And I'd always wonder why I lived with grandparents and my parents never wanted to take me with them. The point is, I guess, that I would give the baby up to my mom, but I'd never visit her afterwards and I don't know how to tell her this. Because there's no way I'd put a child through what I went through. Moreover it would be too painful to see my child being brought up vaxed/circed/etc. No, I'd much rather give this baby up for adoption to a nice family who desperately want a child but aren't able to have one.

Anyway, I hope I'm not rambling and that this all ties together. Tonight, my husband gets a call from his mother saying that we are invited to a family reunion in Rhode Island (a few hundred miles from where we live) in June. It will also double as a surprize birthday party for one of his aunts. They have offered to drive us up so we don't have to spend all sorts of money that we don't have for gas. They will be staying up there for several days.

There are many reasons why there's no way I'd go to this and frankly I'm quite shocked anyone would expect this of a woman who's recently given birth. I guess I could name the reasons if you really wanted, but numero uno is... I will have a 2 month old baby that I will be desperately trying to make sure that I am breastfeeding properly. On top of trying to deal with two kids. This was my mack truck. It hit me like a cinderblock that I am just not a "mother". I am due probably any day now and I have never lost the feeling of...this is too much for me. Two is too much for me. I shouldn't push my luck in being able to deal with my son. I should show this new baby the best love I can and give it up to someone who can do better for it.

But now my husband is getting agitated at me for bringing up adoption. He has still not told his family anything. He continues to tell them everything is peachy when it is not. He is no longer supportive and even sits down at the computer and turns on video games if I start to cry. He's got it stuck in his head that as soon as the baby comes out and I see it, I will magically turn around in my thinking, just like our son. But it wasn't magic with him because I had already begun to "want" him. I don't want to test this theory and become one of these mothers who've snapped and beaten their kids with a table leg or tossed them out the window in insanity.

I guess this is my quandary. Am I just depressed? Should I wait to see if I will change after the second is born? Should I seek help? Therapy or any of that group or one-on-one stuff is out of the question. What I mean is medication for depression. I am afraid because many of these terrible incidents you hear about, the people are on anti-depressants. I was even listening to a commercial for anti-depressants the other day and heard the disclaimer. That suchandsuch may cause suicidal thoughts.

What I was thinking of tonight is... going to a Dr. and telling them that I don't think there's any way I'd be able to handle two children. And is there any way he/she could help me give it up for adoption. It personally wouldn't kill me if my mom disowned me for this but I am more worried about the inlaws because they will still show up. How would I deal with their infinate condemnation?

Another thing I am worried about is if I go cry to a Dr. about how I am a terrible mother who doesn't want another child because I am just barely able to handle the first, can he/she alert the authorities and say I'm a threat to my son? If my son were to be taken, I don't think I could allow myself to continue to live. He is one of the only 2 people in this world that I love.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to without being dealt with harshly. Advice?

[SunnieP]

I don't think anyone would take someone's baby just for not wanting a pregnancy. I do think you are dealing with feelings that are beyond most people's level of expertise, but I wouldn't recommend an md they'll just medicate you. You need a social worker to talk to and help you with your husband, I think.

[Surfacing]

Oh Mama, I'm so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed by having children right now. I have been there and, even though I wanted children, have felt very overwhelmed by them at times. I think many people have at times wondered whether they should have had children, etc. In my case it was necessary to get medication (where doing things like self-care practices -- good diet, good sleep, taking supplements, exercising, talking, therapy and trying to have some fun -- were not quite enough) and it was very helpful in helping me feel like I could handle more.

What you haven't said much about is WHY it feels so overwhelming to be a mother. I know why it is for me at times, but what is it for you? Do you have a health problem? Is it linked to your past? What about mood issues currently?

Sounds like your family supports are kind of lacking. Therapy is out of the question. Why? You don't seem comfortable with it.

I hope it helps to talk it out here some. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I hope you talk to your doctor about this.

[evz75]

I hope you consider seeing a psychiatrist-- no shame in it, and how can you be expected to deal with these problems on your own? I'm sure with being pregnant and having another child you barely have time to even think straight much less straighten out your feelings! The thing is, hopefully a careful and considerate psy could help figure out what's going on, and could really help you out either with meds or with a plan. Plus, with client/doctor confidentiality, I don't think they would do something to get your children taken away. And as I have found firsthand, if there are problems with mental health before having children (even mild issues), the hormonal/chemical changes of birth and nursing can really trigger a whole slew of new mental/chemical complications. I hope you can get help and not feel ashamed or frightened of going outside of your home for it-- you might call your ob/gyn or midwife for a referral. Good luck.

[lisasaurus]

i hope that you'll reconsider therapy. it could help you sort all this out...it could help you deal with your past....it could greatly improve your relationship with your son and your husband.

i know its scary. i was really scared to go and talk to someone. reeeaallllyyy scared. but it has saved my life.

please don't deny yourself the chance to heal some of these issues. it could be such a relief for you.

*hugs*

edited to add: no one is going to try to take your son away from you just because you're asking for help. it doesn't sound at all like you are a threat to yourself or him. it sounds to me like you have everyones best interests in mind, and it sounds to me like you are a much better mother than you give yourself credit for.

[Bellejar]

feeling overwhelmed is totally normal. I am amazed at your schedule, but I can see how that probably makes you feel in control. I just had my third and I have let go of my anxiety a lot which I feel has made me a better parent. I am medicated for OCD right now, I have a high dose of zoloft and I am also in talk therapy. Therapy may help you. It helped me sort out a lot of my feelings as far as my own child hood and also get me ready to be a parent again. My first two are about as close together as your children would be and it was overwhelming for about the first twelve weeks. After that every day got better for a long time. I am sure if you tell a therapist you are conflicted about another child and thinking of adoption they will not think you are a danger to your sun. They will think you are pregnant, and feeling overwhelmed at another person being dependent on you. I would highly recommend you see a psychiatrist and a therapist, you actually sound as though you might be having obsessive typed thoughts..