teen still wetting the bed.....WWYD???

[mothertoall]

My niece lives with us...has on and off (mostly on the last 4 years) since she was 5. Long story short, she still wets most nights...and is heck to get to clean up after herself , at 13 years old.
she leaves wet pull ups in the bathroom and her bedroom....she leaves wet sheets and blankets on the bed....
she has started her AF and now I still find pullups in the bathroom after she leaves for school.....and now its getting more gross!
Please tell me what to do?? everyone says I am too hard on her already...but she doesn't listen to anything I say!
she runs to her grandfather for everything ...and lies to people about how horrible I am....
I feel defeated and unappreciated and disrepected by her almost all the time....and I just can't take the cleaning up after wet and AF pullups....please help.

[acannon]

I'm not quite sure *exactly* what to say, because I personally don't have any experience in this, but there might be a psychological reason why she's wetting the bed. Is she having bad dreams? Drinking a lot of liquids at night? Sleeps too soundly to wake up to go to the bathroom? Those are, from what I've heard, the most common reasons for wetting the bed. I would talk to her about it and ask her if those things are happening. I noticed that she's your niece. The reason for her wetting the bed *might* have something to do with her coming to live with you, however that happened. You could ask her grandfather about it and see if she talks to him about it at all, too, since she confides in him. HTH. Like I said, I'm not too knowledgeable about this.

[Alkenny]

Besides anything psychological that may or may not be going on, there ARE physical reasons that she could be doing so and you may want to have a doctor look into it (anything from sleeping TOO deeply and not able to wake herself up, to bladder problems/shortened urethras, etc.)

[nd_deadhead]

My son was still wetting the bed occasionally at 5 or 6, and we took him to the doctor to make sure there was no physiological reason for it (there wasn't). Within 6 months he stopped - he outgrew it.

Since girls typically do not wet the bed into their teen years, my first concern would be a full medical checkup, to determine if there is an underlying physical cause.

Next I wonder how SHE feels about it. You talked a lot about how this affects you, but not her. Is she interested in staying dry at night, or does she not seem to care?

I get the impression that you don't have a terrific relationship with your niece. Is this part of an on-going power struggle? If so, I think you might need to concentrate on that, and treat the bedwetting (and refusal to deal with it) as a symptom, rather than the main problem.

[smillerhouse]

My son wet until around 12. It is genetic and usually is outgrown. It takes a lot of patience and lots of washing sheets. The biggest help was a thick mattress pad from Vermont County Store. I think being positive and supportive and not shaming is the best . Sallie

[mothertoall]

my problem is not only with this issue...but with everything I ask of her....
I only really at this time want her to be responsible for her own pullups in the morning and AF pads when necessary. She hasn't so far....and I'm very tired of cleaning it up.
she seems very uninterested in dealing with the issue and she has been checked by a doctor.
she does have another appt next week.....so we'll see what the doc says then.
in the meantime....How do I deal with her leaving her messes for me to clean up? I was okay when she was 5, 6, even 7 , but now its gone on long enough.
I am finding pullups with menstrual flow(yes, I am aware of when she started if there is any question) and Its gross.
She is not interested in doing anything I say to begin with...and even less so now.
she wants to live with her grandfather...because he lets her do pretty much anything....and she has had a rough go of it in her 13 years. But I have done my best to bring her into this family and treat her equally , even though she continues to fight and disrespect me at every turn.
She lies....and manipulates everyone.
its getting so i resen t having her here , sometimes...
please any more advice??
please understand , I am not shaming her for the wetting at all....that i am very understanding about...its leaving gross pullups on the bathroom floor so i step on them when I get up to go to the bathroom in the morning....and having to smell her bedroom like pee and then realize she didn't change / wash her sheets.
someone tell me why???
she also up until recently , would sit in a wet pullup after getting up (on weekends usually...and have to be reminded to remove it) and even pee in it and then change to get a new one before she actually fell asleep!
it seems like laziness , although I really hate the word lazy...and try very hard to never , ever say it.....
I just don't understand...

[caedmyn]

Put a plastic bag on her bed and dump them back on her bed...at least the mess will be contained in her room, and hopefully she'll eventually start to clean in up. Some people (even apparently normal people) don't appear to care how filthy they or their living quarters are, for some reason that most of us can't fathom. As far as getting her to clean up after herself, well, you need to make it very clear to her that she is expected to clean up after herself, and if that doesn't happen, there will be consequences. I don't have a child that age so I can't give you any suggestions, but I would imagine taking away whatever is most important to her would be pretty effective. Or, if she responds well to positive reinforcement, then institute some sort of a reward system if she cleans up after herself for so long a period of time.

Food intolerances can cause bed wetting, so that might be something to look into if she has any other symptoms. Although if she's not very cooperative I can't imagine you'd have much luck getting her to follow any sort of special diet.

[mothertoall]

its most likely not a food intolerance....
I am going to take away her getting her hair braided. she was supposed to get her hair done...which is very important to her....and until she can be consistant about cleaning up after herself, no getting her hair done.

[mothertoall]

oh and she shares a room w/ my daughter.....so leaving the pullups in her room makes the room smell.....and I feel thats unfair to my dd.

[Snowflower]

Whoa. Sounds like you are really a mama to all! Maybe a 'heart to heart' could help? Sometimes when there is issues I have to just sit down and hash it out, you know? I wonder if she did go live with grandpa if she would clean up after herself. Would she be too emberassed (sp?) to leave the mess for him?

[MammaB21]

I don't have a teen, but I peak in this forum sometimes and came across this thread, so I hope you dont mind me posting.

I was just wondering why she is still wearing pullups at 13? I realize it may help the cleanup aspect, but I would be causious about that. Especially if (and I think I understood this correctly) she is peeing in the pullups BEFORE she goes to sleep at night on ocasion. That sounds to me like quite a deeper routed issue than just bedwetting. This could be psychological. It could be a cry for attention, or to be babied. Has this been ongoing since potty training years, or something that just recently popped up??

I agree there can be lots of physical reasons for bed wetting. Sleep apnia, or heavy sleeping, a sphinkter problem, bladder infections, urithra blockage, etc.... What does her doctor say about this? Typically teen or adult bed wetting is reason for concern. GL

[nextcommercial]

I agree with putting them in a plastic bag and putting them back in her bed.

Then when she comes in from school, tell her to go make her bed, first thing every day. She can't eat snack, lay down, do her homework til she's cleaned up her mess.

Wetting the bed is (IMO) a separate issue. I can't even begin to have suggestions for that, because I don't understand it.

But, keeping some general cleanliness is something entirely different.

You should make it convenient for her though. You could buy a larger trash can with a lid for her to use (and empty every two days or so)

You can help her double sheet her bed. Put one waterproof pad on the bed. (the crib size pads are good) then make the bed. Then put another waterproof pad on that, and another set of bedding over the first. That way, she can pull the top sheets off and put them in a large laundry basket that is next to her bed.

If she is doing most of the work, maybe you can offer to wash her sheets for a while.

[mothertoall]

she has all those conveniences.
trashbags , garbage can, waterproof mat, waterproof pad....extra sheets available without asking for them....the know how to wash her own stuff in the machine....all of it.
she has always wet the bed...since she was little...she never makes it through the night...or rarely. Her doctor has done a work up.....and found nothing.

[kwg]

nak-----


it sounds hard...........

why is she in pull ups? im not saying i agree or not, im just wondering.

if it were me and there was nothing physically wrong, i would consult a therapist. it just doesn't sound very healthy to me. have you tried that?

about cleaning up, i dont see why she cant do that. i would have her morning and afternoon chores listed w/those things included and there would be consequenes if it wasnt done. is it bc she wants to live w/ her grandfather? does she not clean up there?

[Freud]

This sounds like it is a psycholgical issue to me (especially the messiness). I would make an appointment with a psychologist and get started with therapy in addition to ruling out all physical/medical causes of the actual bedwetting. I've worked with teenagers who bed wet, and it isn't an easy thing to treat, so I'd start now.

[Julz6871]

Yeah, it sounds psychological. Has she ever been sexually abused? That is a pretty common side effect of abuse.

You may also want to rule out a physical condition like overactive bladder, or eliminate liquids after a certain time.

[mothertoall]

she wears pullups because she wants to....i guess....and it seemed to make sense....I am wondering if maybe she should just wear regular underwear ? maybe that will train her to not sleep so heavily?
weird is...she is up on time by herself and such when she wants to be....but not when there isn't something pressing she wants to do....so i'm thinking its mostly lazy(as much as I hate that word)
I told her 21 days in a row she had to take care of her stuff...and if she does it straight 21 days....(hopefully it will be a habit by then) she can get her hair done.
she was furious...but seriously...so am I to be cleaning up after a 13 yo personal products.
so....anyhow....I am pretty sure they checked most of the issues (physiological) and she's fine.
we'll see how it goes next appt.
as far as sexual abuse...not sure....its possible...for 5 years she lived with her granmother and a bunch of foster kids....and her dad on and off.
i am beginning to wonder.

[MammaB21]

It sounds to me like the messiness, the bedwetting, the wanting to wear pull ups, is all psychologically stemming from the same issue. To me, it all is in a category of being taken care of. Its not like she cant do it herself, but would rather have the comforting feeling of having someone there to do it for her. ykwim? Maybe it is coming from her moving around so much. 'hugs' to you and your family. Hopefully she can get some help from a psychologist.

[terrordactyl]

it sounds like there is something deeper is going on have you taken her to a therapist or counselor?

[kwg]

"..I am wondering if maybe she should just wear regular underwear ? maybe that will train her to not sleep so heavily?"

i was wondering that too. maybe pull ups have become something she is used to? does she want to change and not wear them or is she happy to wear them?

when you take her to the doc they should be able to give you a referral for a therapist if you are interested in that. when my dsd moved in w/ us she did not have some basic self care skills. it was very frustrating.......we finally took her to see a counselor for other reasons but it ended up helping us w/those also. she was interested in going though- that helps a lot. for us she liked the thought of having someone who would listen to her side, etc. and she was not choosing sides between her mom and dad. it was good i think.

s to you and to her.....sounds like she has been through a lot

ETA I think that having her pick up after herself before she gets her hair done or whatever is a good idea. maybe once she has a reason she will pay more attention. it *might* (but i hope not!) be hard for her to do it for 21 days ......I am not sure. on the one hand, what you are asking is not at all too hard. on the other hand if she isnt used to doing it or slips up one day........i dont know. just thinking out loud.......