teen still wetting the bed.....WWYD??? - Page 2

[flminivanmama]

this definitely sounds like a different issue than mine - probably psychological like others have said....


but I just wanted to post that I wet the bed till I was a teenager. I simply slept too deeply to get up. my parents finally, in desperation, tried one of those alarms. it's a pad that goes under your sheet and the instant it gets wet it goes off - very loud. in the beginning it didn't wake me - but it woke everyone else haha - and they helped make sure I got up. after a week or so it worked - I really don't think we needed to use it more than 3 weeks - I have to ask my mom if she remembers.

there have been, believe it or not, a handful of times I have wet the bed since then - but thankfully VERY few and far between.

[PikkuMyy]

I think it's fine to offer a reward for her cleaning up after herself but as a behavioral therapist, I want to urge you to rethink 21 days as a first target. That's a LLLOOOONNNNGGG time to get anyone to change a habit, particularly one so ingrained with psychological issues. It takes me longer than that to remember to take any new asthma meds I might have. And I'm 30 and want to take them.

I fear you are setting her up for failure. And to encourage new behavior, it's essential to make the first steps easy and slowly increase the difficulty so that a person has success at first and continues to have success with more and more work on their part. If I were setting up a program with you, I would suggest finding smaller rewards after something like first 3 days of cleaning in a row, then 5, then 7, then 10, then 14, etc. with a big one at day 21.

[lab]

Originally Posted by mothertoall

my problem is not only with this issue...but with everything I ask of her....
I only really at this time want her to be responsible for her own pullups in the morning and AF pads when necessary. She hasn't so far....and I'm very tired of cleaning it up.
she seems very uninterested in dealing with the issue and she has been checked by a doctor.
she does have another appt next week.....so we'll see what the doc says then.
in the meantime....How do I deal with her leaving her messes for me to clean up? I was okay when she was 5, 6, even 7 , but now its gone on long enough.
I am finding pullups with menstrual flow(yes, I am aware of when she started if there is any question) and Its gross.
She is not interested in doing anything I say to begin with...and even less so now.
she wants to live with her grandfather...because he lets her do pretty much anything....and she has had a rough go of it in her 13 years. But I have done my best to bring her into this family and treat her equally , even though she continues to fight and disrespect me at every turn.
She lies....and manipulates everyone.
its getting so i resen t having her here , sometimes...
please any more advice??
please understand , I am not shaming her for the wetting at all....that i am very understanding about...its leaving gross pullups on the bathroom floor so i step on them when I get up to go to the bathroom in the morning....and having to smell her bedroom like pee and then realize she didn't change / wash her sheets.
someone tell me why???
she also up until recently , would sit in a wet pullup after getting up (on weekends usually...and have to be reminded to remove it) and even pee in it and then change to get a new one before she actually fell asleep!
it seems like laziness , although I really hate the word lazy...and try very hard to never , ever say it.....
I just don't understand...

quick question....

What's the difference in picking up a pull up with piss in it and picking up a pull up with piss and blood in it. It's pretty gross both ways. But I don't think you have to touch the blood or pee in order to pick it up. Right? So either way, you're just picking up a soggy diaper.

Is the complaint that you have to pick it up at all? That is totally understandable. I would leave it until she picks it up. Or tell her that she can't watch TV until her room and bath are straight. Or something.

Also, I personally wouldn't worry about the bed wetting. I know she seems old - but I was old before I stopped. I actually had to have my bladder stretched because I just couldn't hold it. There are alarms you can wear that help.

Is she wetting every night? I would personally let her wet without a pull up. It may jolt her awake when she realizes she is wet. I think the pull up just masks it. She needs to be woken up while it is happening so that she can start correcting. That is pretty much what the alarms do.

This girl is dealing with a lot. I feel for her and think that perhaps there are other ways to help. It has to bother her that she is 13 and wears a diaper......

[mothertoall]

she leaves it early in the morning before I get up usually or after I have been to the bathroom but before I go back in(she has already left) I am not leaving it there all day. She has to do it...every morning .
while i understand what everyone is saying.....I have to find something that works.....her pattern is to not hear a word I say...and do nothing I say. Ever , and when she gets consequences....she just doesn't care...and she tells me.
so...this is where i am at.....I feel resentful for her being this way,. alot.
yes, its every night.....and yes...we will be going without pullups from now on.....hopefully, it helps.

[mamabeca]

Not sure whether no-pull-ups will solve the wettig problem or not, but it will help the issue of not having to step on soggy smelly pull-ups. If she doesn't change the sheets after she pees the bed, who suffers? She needs to have 'natural' consequences that will make sense in her world. Does she have friends over to play? Does she have sleepovers with friends? Those are good reasons to learn better hygeine. Perhaps encouraging that might be a step in that direction.

I completely understand when you say you resent her - it's not the her in that ethereal, spirit sense, but the her in the soggy smelly diapers on the floor sense! For her, though, does she pick up on that attitude and feel like an outsider? Does she need more than she can get from you (becuase you two are in a bad cycle!), and is she pushing you harder and harder to get it?

My guess is that what she's doing here is forcing you to choose between her bad behaviours and HER. If she believes that you will love her no matter what, if she gets that in it's entirety, she will probably start to work on these issues herself (which is the only way that she will get better about them - nothing you are asking for is all that hard lol!). Her seemingly lazy behaviour may really be a call, a pecking so to speak, so that you pay attention to her in ways that she wants (right now those seem like negative things - asking her to do things, expecting her to be better at stuff than she is etc.) - do you guys do dates together? Movies, shopping, bowling/arcade? Kids need to feeeeeel connected (not intellectually know that you are caring for her, but FEEL cared for). You two need to change tracks. Since you are the adult, you will have to do it first.

I recommend reading Children are from Heaven (by the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus fella), and also How to Talk so your kids Listen. Both of them should be in your local library system. They may have more ideas about how to speak with her so that she listens and respects you more. I HATE not being listened to - it would drive me nuts having to live with someone who so blatently disrespected my needs and rules.

I think you are doing an amazing thing, raising this child as your own. Now treat her as if she's your own - there is no where else for her to go. Clearly in her place getting to go live with a guardian who sets no boundaries would not do her justice. (on that note - can you set up a vacation time where she does go and live w/her g'dad? Would that be safe for her? Would he begin to understand how difficult she is?)

No matter what, she needs your unconditional (ie: even with her smelly diapers on the floor, sullen, know it all teen routine) love, your acceptance, and your patience. I can only imagine how incredibly trying and hard this is/will be for you both, but if you can start on a new path with her, it will at least be your very best effort at getting her to be a responsible person, a young woman with principles that you respect, etc.

As far as the 21 days goes? I dunno - maybe you and she can make up a chart of the things she needs to be doing every morning - if you do it together she will be clearer about what it is you expect in a way that isn't a shouting match kind of thing? Then you can set up rewards with her too - if she wants new music, she can get one CD after every 6 days of getting the stuff done you need her to do, and after 3 weeks of that, she can get her hair done? So that there are small, meaningful rewards to help her along the way, yk?

No matter how hard her background was, where she is now doesn't have to be hard, and she can and will learn how to do the things you expect ALL your children to do as young adults. Hang in there mama - in a few short years you will hopefully look back on all this with a tremendous sigh of relief for having helped her through, learned so much about raising kids, and having survived teen-hood together.

hth?

andy

[kittywitty]

I guess here goes all of my dignity, but I did wet the bed a few times as a teen. I had emotional issues with a torn household. Add in a small bladder anyways, and it was very embarrassing.

It sounds like your niece needs counselling and maybe an OBGYN visit. I would calmly and nicely try to explain things to her each time she leaves stuff out and show her how to do it. This can be very embarrassing for her.

[mothertoall]

I have spoken to her....very calmly...I have explained to her between my own tears as well....that we have to find a way to make this work.....
problem w/ staying w/ grandpa is her babies her beyond words...and she can do no wrong....he is a horrid pushover who sets no rules or boundaries and she knows how to push his buttons and get whatever she wants...staying w/ him is what she wants and its because it will benefit her so much.
I'm just tired mamas.......I try to spend time with her and it always ends with her asking for things I cannot afford and her bounding off in a huff.....
i'm just plain tired. I keep trying and get nothing in return....no respect and no love....and I have loved this child for years.....will continue to.....if she will let me.

[bluegrassgirl]

Has she been checked out by a doctor for the bedwetting? Sometimes, if bedwetting goes on longer than 10 years old, it can be because the spincter muscles are weakened and therefore can't hold the large amount of urine produced during sleep. Have you seen if she will do Kegel exercises? These can help for nighttime accidents, along with not drinking a lot of fluids past 8pm.
Sometimes, in rare cases, you can talk to the doctor about using medicine to help stop the accidents, but they have not so fun side effects (dry mouth and throat, constipation, drowsiness, and dry skin). I have taken Detrol, Ditropan, and Vesicare, and have found that Vesicare doesn't have as strong as side effects. Also, I know from experience that pull-ups don't hold very much at night. Prevail and Tranquility make adult diapers that are for overnight and they work very well. I use the Prevail PM briefs every night and they have a cloth-like cover and velcro-like tabs, so they are very quiet and not as noticible underneath pajamas.

As for her leaving all the wet pull-ups and sheets around, I'd really get on her case about that. Does she have a small trash can with a lid in her room for regular trash? You can ask her to put the soiled pull-ups in there and then the can be emptied out once every other day. Also, do what my Mom did when I kept forgetting to take my wet sheets and bedpads off the bed: tell her that she is responsible for laundry for those. I thought my Mom was joking, but as soon as I ran out of sheets and had to sleep directly on the mattress, I knew I better straighten up and wash the sheets when they got wet.

Hope this helps!

Jessie

[lab]

Originally Posted by jessie.gray

Has she been checked out by a doctor for the bedwetting? Sometimes, if bedwetting goes on longer than 10 years old, it can be because the spincter muscles are weakened and therefore can't hold the large amount of urine produced during sleep. Have you seen if she will do Kegel exercises? These can help for nighttime accidents, along with not drinking a lot of fluids past 8pm.
Sometimes, in rare cases, you can talk to the doctor about using medicine to help stop the accidents, but they have not so fun side effects (dry mouth and throat, constipation, drowsiness, and dry skin). I have taken Detrol, Ditropan, and Vesicare, and have found that Vesicare doesn't have as strong as side effects. Also, I know from experience that pull-ups don't hold very much at night. Prevail and Tranquility make adult diapers that are for overnight and they work very well. I use the Prevail PM briefs every night and they have a cloth-like cover and velcro-like tabs, so they are very quiet and not as noticible underneath pajamas.

As for her leaving all the wet pull-ups and sheets around, I'd really get on her case about that. Does she have a small trash can with a lid in her room for regular trash? You can ask her to put the soiled pull-ups in there and then the can be emptied out once every other day. Also, do what my Mom did when I kept forgetting to take my wet sheets and bedpads off the bed: tell her that she is responsible for laundry for those. I thought my Mom was joking, but as soon as I ran out of sheets and had to sleep directly on the mattress, I knew I better straighten up and wash the sheets when they got wet.

Hope this helps!

Jessie

I wanted to chime in here and make a comment about kids washing their own sheets when they wet the bed.

I personally think it is wrong. Now....if your kid washes their own clothes on a regular basis or everyone in the house is responsible for washing their sheets - then have at it....

But to me, making a child wash sheets when they wet the bed is like a punishment. When my daughter wet the bed, she would bring her sheets down to the laundry room for me, but this was only when she was older. I would never ask her to wash her sheets. That's just wrong. She can't help it. It's an accident. I have kids - they make messes - all sorts of messes.

[mothertoall]

she doesn't care....she'll sleep on sheets that have been wet and dried.
she has been known to hide wet pullups in her closet as recently as a year ago....
she fights me tooth and nail about everything that THIS involves.
and to add insult to injury......now she's doing the typical teen crap of trying to wear provactive clothing and such..

[acannon]

Maybe if she wears short skirts and shorts, kids will figure out that she wears pull-ups and ask her about it. Then she would have more motivation to wear underwear. It's probably not too easy to hide a pull-up under hip-hugging jeans or a short skirt/shorts.

[mamato3cherubs]

Originally Posted by mothertoall

she doesn't care....she'll sleep on sheets that have been wet and dried.
she has been known to hide wet pullups in her closet as recently as a year ago....
she fights me tooth and nail about everything that THIS involves.
and to add insult to injury......now she's doing the typical teen crap of trying to wear provactive clothing and such..

OK, i am seeing alot of sympathy here for the teen age girl that wets the bed. I do not see this is the case. I see that there is a teen age girl that is being manipulative. that is enjoying every bit of negative attention she can get. She knows she is in complete control over the situation. She knows you dont want her at her g-dads, sounds like she is getting enjoyment from seeing you upset.

number 1 she needs a therapist. sounds like the sooner the better. She is not going to talk to you, she needs to be working this out with someone. I suggest really finding out who deals with troubled teens the best as well and is willing to keep on trying until she breaks as she will probably be very defiante in the begining too.

others have said things about waking, alarms, she must not want to wet, etc. I think that is not the case. If she has been known to wet then change the pull up before sleeping, she is doing it on purpose as well as when she is sleeping. this is not the time for sympathy. She needs to get her act together and on track now, or this can be the begining of a bad downhill spiral, before she even has a chance to start her life.

I would consider seeing the therapist as well. alone. probably the same one she sees. you need help to get through this as well. Someone who can know what is going on with her and help you with how to handle this. You need to be working together. I know sometimes money is an issue, but i would beg, borrow, whatever it takes for this one. I see this as a situation that will take a very proactive consistant aproach to get anywhere with. It is not an issue of bedwetting as you have already figured out.

oh and yes, she should be cleaning her own sheets. Every day. wet or not. She can help it. This is not a case of a little kid with an immature bladder who strongly desires to stay dry. this girl has trouble, emotional, mental, whatever, and is being a brat (sorry, sont mean to sound harsh).

I hate to sound this way too, but i was a teen, remember how me and my friends and others i knew were. I dont care what the books say, as they seem to not see the reality. 13 isnt 13 anymore. it is 17. That is how a 13 yo girl thinks she should be acting. If she isnt already, I would be worried about sexual behavior as well. Sounds like it very well could be her next outlet, as well as drugs and the negative spiral that goes with that. I dont think you have much more time to mess around with this.

I am so sorry. My Ex DH and I took in my highschool aged nephew. It was difficult, different, cant really be explained. Hugs to you and I hope you can begin a good realationship soon. She is not going to cooperate until that happens.

disclaimer: these are strictly my opinions.

[Sage.Naissance]

Mama, you are a good woman for taking in your neice who obviously has troubles, and you are obviously a great mama. If you can manage to make it happen you NEED to get this kid to a therapist. Seriously, you will rip your hair out trying to deal with this and its probably very deep trauma stuff that a therapist needs to deal with. You will be doing the best for her and for you.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by mothertoall

she leaves it early in the morning before I get up usually or after I have been to the bathroom but before I go back in(she has already left) I am not leaving it there all day. She has to do it...every morning .
while i understand what everyone is saying.....I have to find something that works.....her pattern is to not hear a word I say...and do nothing I say. Ever , and when she gets consequences....she just doesn't care...and she tells me.
so...this is where i am at.....I feel resentful for her being this way,. alot.
yes, its every night.....and yes...we will be going without pullups from now on.....hopefully, it helps.

You would need to get up earlier to make sure it gets done then.

[gabysmom617]

Op, I can sense the frustration and resentment in your posts, and as well you should be.

I don't belong in here, but I just wanted to tell you that this sounds like a deep issue and that maybe you should get a psychologist or a therapist to help work thorugh this with her. I do speak with experience when I say that you can't alwas hope, what is obviously deep psychological issues, to work itself out on its own. I can speak from a lifetime (from teenage years through to young adulthood) of experience when I say that it never does any good in situations like this for the parent to push the problems under the rug and hope that enough "discipline" will get the child to snap out of it. (Not saying that's what you're doing, but that's what I have lived.) That only causes frustration and delays the child dealing with the problem with a professional.

The earlier a child that has issues such as these it dealt with and worked out in therapy, the greater chance the child has at becoming a successful happy adult.

I'm only speaking from my own life experience with my own issues. Please don't put seeking a therapist on the backburner, it sounds like you got a lot of issues dealing with her and if the possibilty of physical problems are ruled out, then the next step is to look at psychological...it's the same in importance and pertinence as the physical aspect.

You wouldn't get mad at her if she physically can't help what she's doing, and you should also not get mad at her if she can't help what she's doing mentally. But you don't know whether or not it's the case until you take her to talk to someone. Help her get the tools she needs to get better, whether it's to do with a medical condition or a psychological condition.

I hope things get better for you.

[Teensy]

Is she interested in trying to stop wetting the bed? Because IF she IS, then you may have luck with a bed wetting alarm. My DS #1 wet the bed every single night for over 8 years. We bought this:
http://www.bedwettingstore.com/Bedwe...ting_alarm.htm
and within two weeks he was completely dry at night. It was the best $100 I ever spent. I left him pick the color. He wore it attached to his underwear with a pullup on top, so went the alarm went off indicating he had wet, he only had to change his underpants, not the whole bed. I also offered to sleep in his room to assist him when it went off, but he never needed my help.

It sounds like there are many other issues, but maybe conquering this one thing will help your niece feel better about herself in other respects.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by mamato3cherubs

OK, i am seeing alot of sympathy here for the teen age girl that wets the bed. I do not see this is the case. I see that there is a teen age girl that is being manipulative. that is enjoying every bit of negative attention she can get. She knows she is in complete control over the situation. She knows you dont want her at her g-dads, sounds like she is getting enjoyment from seeing you upset.

number 1 she needs a therapist. sounds like the sooner the better. She is not going to talk to you, she needs to be working this out with someone. I suggest really finding out who deals with troubled teens the best as well and is willing to keep on trying until she breaks as she will probably be very defiante in the begining too.

:

I feel for the girl, but as I read this thread I can't help but think she is acting out for the negative attention. It's not really an issue about the bed wetting. It's the lack of respect for others.

I wet the bed off and on until I was 13. For me it was a sleep issue, to this day I still have sleep problems. But even at the age of 8/9 I was so embarrassed about this that when I woke up and realized I had wet the bed I would get up and clean up. That included putting a few towels on the wet bed, changing the sheets, then the next morning taking all the sheets and towels to the basement for washing. I would tell my Mom they needed to be washed, and she never said anything she just knew why.

So as much as I feel for this girl, and the situation she is in, she has to have some knowledge that leaving wet pull ups for another person to pick up is not kind. If this had happened a couple of times on accident, okay. On a consistent basis it's her creating some sort of control.

She needs therapy, long term, for her to sort out all the things in her mind that are troubling to her. Anybody in her situation would benefit from therapy, even if they weren't crying out for attention in this manner.