SpiralWoman,
I am with you also, still healing slowly, but still some hurts 21 months later. As another mama stated so well, since we do not plan to have more, I have lost my chance for a natural birth. I am a nurse myself, even worked high risk perinatal decades before motherhood. And it was because of those years of sometimes unnecessary intervention that it was an easy decision to choose my midwife and homebirth route. When my water broke and labor just would not kick in days later (we followed a very careful protocol of aseptic technique-no vaginal exams, monitoring temperature, etc so we-hubby, I and midwife felt safe going beyond the standard 24 hrs that is really due to hospital introduced factors), we finally had to go in to the hospital to be induced on the 3rd day. I grieved for that loss of our more personal plans, but have worked hard to "forgive" myself (as if I needed to) for that "failure to progress". It was also our choice to go to a smaller, local hospital where our midwife could accompany us, but choosing that smaller facility also probably added to the odds that lead to our csection, since smaller hospitals tend to react more quickly to things that larger centers-often with more experienced staff and 24 hr OR's-can be more relaxed about. That adds a little grief, but also counter that with the huge comfort and benefit our having our midwife as advocate and friend by our side to ease many other frustrations What can still anger me now, and makes it difficult to heal, are the ways that tradition-bound, uninformed care providers added to our anticipatory grieving by denying us many of our legal patient rights unnecessarily. After a brief time on Pitocin I worried that I was getting tired (we had had 3 days with little sleep) and started to rethink the Epidural. Later it turned out I had advanced from 1 to 5 cm in a brief time-that info would have given me strength to go longer-and the Epidural was the straw that dropped by BP, therefore my son's heart rate, and lead to the Csection. After barely glancing at my son, who was absolutely stable and perfect, he was taken out by a nurse who insisted it was the law to give the meds within an hour. (not true, no time constraints) It was only my midwife's persistence, and some kinder recovery staff, that finally brought my son there so he could latch and nurse. For the next day that I endured before checking myself out early, it was a bad comedy of struggles with misinformation (the staff acted as if I had had no prenatal care) and invasions of our private time with our son. And as someone else noted, it really hurt when medical friends expressed "relief" that I had had Conor in the hospital, downplayed my grief ("you should be grateful....."), etc.
A long story, but I so agree that the healing process does not happen overnight, but it slowly continues. My midwife happened to have a series of Csections around that same year (bad coincidences, not her screening) and put together a healing circle of 5 or 6 mamas with another friend who is a reiki practioner. We shared, grieved, bonded, and walked a labyrinth in a nature sanctuary where we burned our individual messages of negativity, failure and anger in the center. Someone made us these lovely cards that said something like "even a broken stitch plays a part in the weave". I have needed time and distance to address my issues with the hospital, something I still plan to do to promote the plans my midwife has to work more closely with them. (she is getting inpt privs as a lay midwife, which means that VBAC mamas could still have a midwife delivery-not covered for her otherwise in WA state) As a nurse, I know the RN's are the first barrier to a positive experience due to tradition and sadly some ignorance. I believe when I can take action to help change this another piece of my heart will heal.
Much love for all of you in your healing,
Deb
I am with you also, still healing slowly, but still some hurts 21 months later. As another mama stated so well, since we do not plan to have more, I have lost my chance for a natural birth. I am a nurse myself, even worked high risk perinatal decades before motherhood. And it was because of those years of sometimes unnecessary intervention that it was an easy decision to choose my midwife and homebirth route. When my water broke and labor just would not kick in days later (we followed a very careful protocol of aseptic technique-no vaginal exams, monitoring temperature, etc so we-hubby, I and midwife felt safe going beyond the standard 24 hrs that is really due to hospital introduced factors), we finally had to go in to the hospital to be induced on the 3rd day. I grieved for that loss of our more personal plans, but have worked hard to "forgive" myself (as if I needed to) for that "failure to progress". It was also our choice to go to a smaller, local hospital where our midwife could accompany us, but choosing that smaller facility also probably added to the odds that lead to our csection, since smaller hospitals tend to react more quickly to things that larger centers-often with more experienced staff and 24 hr OR's-can be more relaxed about. That adds a little grief, but also counter that with the huge comfort and benefit our having our midwife as advocate and friend by our side to ease many other frustrations What can still anger me now, and makes it difficult to heal, are the ways that tradition-bound, uninformed care providers added to our anticipatory grieving by denying us many of our legal patient rights unnecessarily. After a brief time on Pitocin I worried that I was getting tired (we had had 3 days with little sleep) and started to rethink the Epidural. Later it turned out I had advanced from 1 to 5 cm in a brief time-that info would have given me strength to go longer-and the Epidural was the straw that dropped by BP, therefore my son's heart rate, and lead to the Csection. After barely glancing at my son, who was absolutely stable and perfect, he was taken out by a nurse who insisted it was the law to give the meds within an hour. (not true, no time constraints) It was only my midwife's persistence, and some kinder recovery staff, that finally brought my son there so he could latch and nurse. For the next day that I endured before checking myself out early, it was a bad comedy of struggles with misinformation (the staff acted as if I had had no prenatal care) and invasions of our private time with our son. And as someone else noted, it really hurt when medical friends expressed "relief" that I had had Conor in the hospital, downplayed my grief ("you should be grateful....."), etc.
A long story, but I so agree that the healing process does not happen overnight, but it slowly continues. My midwife happened to have a series of Csections around that same year (bad coincidences, not her screening) and put together a healing circle of 5 or 6 mamas with another friend who is a reiki practioner. We shared, grieved, bonded, and walked a labyrinth in a nature sanctuary where we burned our individual messages of negativity, failure and anger in the center. Someone made us these lovely cards that said something like "even a broken stitch plays a part in the weave". I have needed time and distance to address my issues with the hospital, something I still plan to do to promote the plans my midwife has to work more closely with them. (she is getting inpt privs as a lay midwife, which means that VBAC mamas could still have a midwife delivery-not covered for her otherwise in WA state) As a nurse, I know the RN's are the first barrier to a positive experience due to tradition and sadly some ignorance. I believe when I can take action to help change this another piece of my heart will heal.
Much love for all of you in your healing,
Deb
: Makes me sad that I need to do that, but I have to play the hand I was dealt & quit regretting so much. (BTW, aren't labyrynths wonderful???)
Follow Mothering