I HATE this.

[Organicavocado]

I have waited years and years for this baby. We have put aside so much so that I could be pregnant and have him. I gave him everything, I had my homebirth and did everything right when we had to transfer to the NICU and I ate my placenta. I was in a narcotic induced haze (pain relief for surgery for a big tear) for 2 weeks and instead of having people take care of me so that I could take care of him, I had people take care of him so that I could take care of myself (which I couldnt, I slept for the first 2-3 weeks of his life). I know all of this interfered with bonding but I can't help but think this is so much more.

I feel nothing but frustration. I don't have any urge to talk to him, sing to him, walk with him, even hold him. I am more than happy to pass him off to daddy at night, and they sleep in the room over because I CAN'T sleep with them. I simply do not ever fall asleep.

I hate nursing. I don't look forward to nursings with anticipation or some motherly happiness but instead with anxiety and sadness. The thought of putting him on formula destroys me so I keep going. I can't even take it one day at a time, I take it one nursing at a time.

I hate when people come over or when we're out because they do that sleepy smile thing and coo over him and it makes me hate myself because I don't even do that. We spend the days silent to each other. I am a boob. He is a baby. I don't feel like he is even mine, and that started when he went to the NICU. I felt like everyone else was caring for him, and at some point, I stopped caring.

We are both sick and I am frustrated because I can't take care of myself. We've been sick for about 10 days now. I resent him! I can't believe myself.

Everything I looked forward to, I hate. Its like I hate being a mother. I half-joke about taking him to a fire station and dropping him off. I don't understand why I feel this way, even if I try to justify it with the separation I can't. Theres no bond there. I have no will to cuddle him and nurse him and show him the world. I just want to lay here in bed and if I have to, be the boob.

I hate this so much. I want nothing more than to love him, to love caring for him, to enjoy him while he is small. I have a script for Zoloft and an anti psychotic for the anxiety and I hope it helps because I can't understand how this can be anything other than some weird chemical imbalance. I've looked forward to him for so, so long. I want to enjoy him, and I want to enjoy myself again. Yuck.

*I just wanted to add that I am taking care of his needs (other than a more engaging mama) so no worries there.

[tireesix]

I read your story about your tear. You have had a rough old time, more than rough. Despite how you think you feel towards him, it is obvious from reading your post that you do love him and care for him otherwise you wouldn't feel so resentful, you wouldn't care so much about putting him on formula.

It is going to take a while for the trauma of what happened, to fade and you had a traumatic experience. You need to time to process it. I suspect that what you are feeling or not feeling, is more to do with the fact that your body and mind are protecting you while you heal.

You will have what you want, I am sure about that and I think somewhere, you already have it, you just need to wait for some of your wounds to heal a bit more.

If it helps, with my first, I had an awful induction etc anyway, after that I suffered PTSD. Everyone after the birth called me a genuine Earth Mother. Apparently everything seemed to come so naturally for me, BUT what they saw from the outside, wasn't how I felt on the inside. Even though DD1 never ended up in NICU, we were together from the begining, something in us was broken during that birth and I knew something was wrong but it wasn't until the birth of my second DD just how wrong it was.

DD1 and I have a great relationship now, but those first 2 years were hell and I think that most of that came down to the fact that people didn't listen, didn't support me the way I/we needed because what they saw and what I feelt didn't match.

You know now that something isn't right, tablets may help that, but I think what would be even better is some form of counselling.

I don't know if any of this helps, I just want you to know that you aren't alone and that it does get easier and the love is there, its just like a scratchcard, you need to rub the crap off the surface to find the prize beneath.

[yentroc]

I couldn't read and not post...

I had a really really hard time bonding to my dd (I was dealing with PTSD due to dh being hospitalized for nearly my entire pregnancy).

I wanted to tell you that it will get better. IT WILL! I felt so similar to you, just flat, blah, sad, why didn't I enjoy her? I did take Zoloft for about 8 months but didn't start it until dd was 8 months old. If I had to do it again and was feeling the same intensity of emotion I would take it sooner. I was just so anti-med I procrastinated and shouldn't have because I would have enjoyed being a mother sooner.

Hang in there, the newborn time is TOUGH and there are some of us who just don't love it. In that little milk-drinking, crying, pooping newborn there is a fun, smiling, giggling, baby who will amaze you with your love and connection. Give it time, be kind to yourself and hang in there.

[Surfacing]

I too had PTSD after a bad tear during dd1's birth (and the whole birth experience after being in the hospital). It can be so difficult, or nearly impossible, to find that peace, balance and joy when something deep inside of you has been traumatized. With time you will heal, you will bond to this baby. Take care of yourself now, make yourself a priority. You deserve to feel better. You deserve treatment. I hope the meds are a help to you (incidentally, I went on meds during PG with my second dd and wished I had done it waaaaaaaaaay sooner). I agree with the OP about trying to get some counselling for yourself.

Can you use some other supports like help around the house? I wonder too if therapeutic touch like professional massage therapy might help ground you and help you heal. Is your dh supportive? Do you have family or friends around to help with stuff, or to talk to?

I am so sorry you are suffering right now. Sending healing vibes. Take care of yourself. It's good to know you have reached out to your doctor about this.

[Organicavocado]

As far as counselling goes, I'm not ready. I dont "care" enough, if that makes sense. I'm in a "I need a quick fix" stage and I can take any extra steps as time goes on. My husband is supportive but doesn't have the ability to be here constantly like I need him, and family is 1500 miles away in any direction. A bunch of ladies in the community have made us meals to help with that, and I have one friend who has offered to let me stay over some nights to let H get some rest. The antipsychotic to hold me over until the zoloft kicks in is also a heavy sedative and we can't cosleep.. so someone will have to hold the baby while I sleep and help me nurse him when he's hungry. Thankfully friend is willing to do this and I am comfortable enough with her to let her.

He was up 3 hours just now nursing. Three. Hours... Three.

[meowee]

You might want to reconsider the antipsychotic-- I have been on those and the state of mind/ emotions/ body they put me in was very bad. I'm not saying you shouldn't be on meds, just that you might want to reconsider antipsychotics.

You are doing a great job by being the boob and caring for his needs! You don't have to feel the emotional part now. With one of my children, I didn't feel the emotional part for years, but the fact that I cared for her physical needs as an infant means a lot, it all fell into place later.

Can you give yourself permission not to like it? To not feel the emotions? Because it's really okay to feel "blank" or even resentful for a while. You've been traumatized! The last thing you should do is put emotional requirements on yourself ("i.e. "I should enjoy this."). Just let yourself feel your feelings or lack of feelings, and know you are doing a great job as the boob and physical caretaker.

[Organicavocado]

The unattachment is killing me. Its not that I feel I *should* enjoy it, more that I *need* or want to enjoy it. I feel if I loooooved him, it would make my job so much easier. It would make it "worth it". I'm pretty good at letting myself feel what I feel, and encouraging others to do so, but this numbness is just eating away at me and its doing nothing but pulling me further downhill. I hate it.

The antispychotic is only to tide over my anxiety and panic attacks until the zoloft kicks in. The anxiety keeps me from sleeping even when I'm so damn tired that I feel like I'm going to puke and die (Im so tired right now I dont even know what movie thats from). I think I got a good solid 45 minutes last night and I am already "up for the day". I'll try it, but if it puts me in a bad place I won't have issue with stopping it.

[mom0810]

Just wanted to say that you are doing SO awesome. You are totally doing the right thing for yourself and your baby and for that you can feel very proud! You are in the thick of it now, but don't worry, it will get so much better.

Best wishes to you, you are on the right track.

[yentroc]

I posted a little bit above and just wanted to let you know that the Zoloft really helped with that sleeping thing you're talking about. I was so anxious I couldn't sleep when my baby slept and was getting maybe 45 minutes of sleep a night like you said. I seriously felt like I would die from lack of sleep. Zoloft gave me some space internally from the panic to sleep. I hope it does the same for you. You definately have PTSD symptoms like I did, it SUCKS.

[zipworth]

This really sounds like a hormonal/chemical imbalace to me. This WILL get better! I became like you are after the birth of my second child, although my ambiguous feelings were directed towards my older child, whom I was insanely in love with prior to his sisters birth. I didn't know what was wrong with me! Days prior to DD's birth I wondered how I could love another like I loved my son. Then she was born, and all my love for him went to the new baby. I hated it. But my crazy love came back again! I also upped the dosage of Paxil I was on and started taking large, large doses of salmon oil. When I started to get enough sleep it got even better. And it will get better for you too. Be gentle with yourself, you will feel the love.

[AbbottsMomma]

It took me a couple months to REALLY bond with DS, at first I almost had this feeling like I'm doing all this work but there's no reward in it because he doesn't smile or giggle or say thank you, he just eats, sleeps and poops!

It all fell into place and every day it just gets better and better at 10 months. I was so used to having the little being in my tummy for so long that when he actually came, he was an entirely different baby than I had imagined (naturally!) So it took me time to get to know the new guy!

Just take care of yourself and your babys needs and it will come to you!

[momtoafireteam]

I am so sorry. It will get so much better. I am glad you are keeping at BFing, I felt the same way about BFing when I had PPD with DD2, but I *knew* that as much as I hated breastfeeding, I would hate FFing more. It was the best decision I could have made, and it will be for you to. Keep updating us, I am thinking of you.

[Anno]

I had to post, too - I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time! I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I had postpartum anxiety after the birth of my son and it was awful - I felt so guilty.

It will get better - I promise. The zoloft helped me too....I couldn't eat or sleep or stop pacing except when I was nursing or changing my son....after a while I was able to sleep and gradually I felt better and more attached to my boy.
I am thinkign healing thoughts for you -

[lisasaurus]

*hugs*

hang in there mama, you will get through this time. i know its hard to believe it now when you feel so terrible. its ok to feel what you're feeling now. try to be gentle with yourself. the meds will help you get to a more stable place where therapy can then start to help you.

[Organicavocado]

I took the zyprexa and zoloft for the first time last night. I stayed with a friend who helped me through the night. Its nasty stuff- makes me SO tired, so thirsty, and so jumbled in the head... but during the day I felt different. A little better. Calmer. Still tired beyond belief but I think I have some chronic fatigue issues that have not been addressed, I will bring that up at my next appointment and see what we can do.

Yesterday I got so frustrated with him.. he was nursing for hours and wouldn't sleep. We're talking three hours on, 45 minutes off not sleeping, one hour on, still acting starving.. lather rinse repeat. I couldn't take it anymore and was crying and he was crying and I made him a bottle of breastmilk.. He took about half an ounce and was staring right at me. He never looked at me like that before, he never actually looks at me (he will look at grandma, and daddy...) and after a few minutes my heart just broke. I had worked so hard to keep this from happening in the NICU. Took the bottle from him, put him back on the breast, and I think thats the first motherly thing I've actually done. Since then I have changed a little, I feel like things are coming around. (For the record, he still wanted to nurse so I popped him in the car for an outting and I kid you not that child did not sleep for nine hours. Nothing seemed to be bothering him, he just wanted comforting and I am of course terrible at that right now..)

So I think things will get better. Gradually. Waiting for the meds to kick in now and then its off to bed for me.

[Peppermint Poppies]

I couldn't read and not post

I felt the same as you when DS was born. We had fertility problems, did IVF, took ages to conceive, so he was a very, very wanted child. Yet, I was so overwhelmed, so tired, so depressed that I hated being a mum, hated DS (yep, you read that right, and I'm ashamed to say that I used to whisper to him how much I hated him). I told DH that we had made the biggest mistake of my entire life and that he had to make it go away. I thought everybody who congratulated me when I was pregnant must have been playing a horrible joke on me - why else would you congratulate someone about something you know is going to be so horrible? Clearly, my thoughts weren't rational - the PPD was so severe I just couldn't see things clearly.

You know, I hate telling people those things because I'm sure it makes me look like an awful mother. But I'm telling you because you need to know that all these things that you're feeling and thinking won't last forever. They truly won't. Medication helps. A lot. I had loads of support, a wonderful husband, good friends, but the medication gave me the emotional clarity to think clearly and rationally.

I promise you that one day you will look upon your beautiful son's face and wonder how you ever didn't feel love for him. I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment, but it will happen. Truly.

Thinking of you.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I went through severe ppd and severe sleep deprivation with no help from dh only my mom and then only when I just couldnt take it any more. I literally thought I was going to die from being so tired yet I had insomnia I was a mess and it did stop me from bonding with dd till she was almost a year old.

It took time but with the help of zoloft I made it you will to mama. I know it dosnt seem like it now but you will make it. Take it one minute heck even 1 second at a time. :

[rachelebell]

I too TTC'd for a very long time (3+ years) and finally had my twins via IVF. I couldn't have wanted those babies more. However, when they arrived I had a very hard time bonding with them. It was all I could do to survive. I dreampt of giving one or both of them up for adoption. I fantasized about this and wondered how my family would take it if I just told them that I had adopted out my son or daughter. I felt like I was incapable of connecting with them. In general I walked around in a haze and felt like I was having an out of body experience. It was so very scary. I've never been so scared in my life.

Finally at 2 weeks post partum I started on zoloft. My midwife also started me on an estrogen patch. After about 2 weeks I started to feel a bit better. I did feel somewhat worse first. Thanks to an amazingly supportive husband and a great friend who is a psychiatrist, I made it through those horribly dark days during which I thought I had no options. I was 100% convinced that I would never feel better and that I would never bond with my babies. However with the help of time and medication, I grew to love being a mother. Now my kids are 18 months old and I can't put into words how blessed I feel to be their mom.

Post partum depression is a horrible, horrible thing. However, you will get through it!

[Organicavocado]

Thanks so much

The fog lifted a bit yesterday and today. Still trying to find my footing.

[Aeress]

oh hon, I read your post and felt so sad with you.

I've been there. First dd, none with 2nd dd and now with 3rd dd. You will get better!

*hugs* and more *hugs*

keep posting, talking can really help.

do you have a good therapist to talk to? my therapist helped me alot, so much better talking to someone other than family.