Bullying...not sure what to do

[cjanelles]

My 15-yr old DS attends public school. It was a choice we made mutually after a couple of years of home schooling. He's in the 8th grade (due to failing a grade when he lived with his father), but emotionally and maturity-wise, he is among his peers.

The problem is: He is the target of many students at the school for harassment. He is a tall, good-looking boy who leans towards some more extreme styles of dress (somewhere mixed between goth and punk, I guess), had dyed his hair black and wears it in a "faux" hawk, and he is honest about the fact that he is an atheist. Because we live in a small Georgia county, I can say that the boy is seriously in the minority...but he holds his own, is true to himself and tries not to let it get to him that so many kids are always on him about being different.

He is funny, outgoing, friendly, has a "circle of friends," has a girlfriend who he really likes and who is on his side, no question.

However, these other kids--and it isn't just one or two kids, it's many other random kids at any given time--are always in his face...Today one boy smacked him in the back of the head while he was standing at his locker. DS didn't react or retaliate. So, later, the same kid said to him (in class) "Bet you won't do anything if I hit you again, pussy." DS said, "If you f**king touch me again, I'll stab you."

Let me go ahead and clear up any concern that my DS might stab anyone. He is really the most easy-going kid you've ever met and for the most part would just simply ignore these kids who are giving him a hard time. But they keep on pushing, and when he gets mad, he gets flustered and says the first thing that comes to mind. He has no intention or inclination to stab anyone.

That said: DS was sent to the principal's office so the incident could be documented and reported. It was late in the day, and DS doesn't know what the administrations intentions are with regards to the whole situation. I do know that no one from the school has called me about it.

This will be the second time DS has been in the office for reacting to this repeated harassment. This isn't only the second time he's been harassed. He told me that yesterday a boy in one of his classes passed him in the hall and called him a "MotherF***ing Atheist Douchebag." I mean, you'd think the kid was wearing a pentagram and writing "666" on his forehead whilst urinating on the Bible or something.

I am inclined to go to the school tomorrow and talk to the administration about the entire situation. In my mind, this isn't just bullying, but also harassment, and I'm wondering if it falls anywhere near the "hate crime" definitions...persecuting someone for their religious beliefs, etc...Not that I'm looking for legal recourse or anything, but I'm wondering what is reasonable to expect from the school with regards to everything.

Does anyone has any experience with anything like this? Suggestions? Ideas? 'm open to everyone's thoughts...

[hipumpkins]

There is a fabulous book called, "The bully, the bullied and the bystander"
It is an excellent read.
I believe you that your son has no intention of stabbing anyone. The book even talks about how when finally the kid who is being bullied stands up for himself...he gets into and not the actual bullies.

[cjanelles]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

There is a fabulous book called, "The bully, the bullied and the bystander"
It is an excellent read.
I believe you that your son has no intention of stabbing anyone. The book even talks about how when finally the kid who is being bullied stands up for himself...he gets into and not the actual bullies.

Thank you for the suggestion.

I just ordered the book from Amazon.

[laoxinat]

ITA with going to the school and talking with the principal. This is definitely harassment, and it probably won't end anytime soon without intervention. More importantly, it is a sytemic problem within the school and he is most definitely not the only one suffering. If you can get a copy of Barbara Coloroso's book, Bullies, The Bullied and Bystanders, you can give yourself a good education before talking to them. An alarming number of schools have NO idea how to deal effectively with this problem. Inclusion and teaching ethics are big parts of the puzzle. Zero tolerance policies are not helpful, because the bullies are then free to inflict their bullying at the next school. One of the reasons I think high schools and well, most forms of primary education are outdated is that there are few if any checks and balances for the out of control behavior problems, angst and just generally uncompassionate behavior that runs rampant in them. It damages our kids in ways we may never fully appreciate, IMO. I would not let this slide, even if he asks you to. For my DS, I would have said either I go to the school and get them to help, or he would be back HSing or going to a charter. My DS was fortunately learning kung fu with my now DH and so had access to DH's counsel about non-violence and the importance of environmental awareness. He ended up choosing on his own to go to a smaller school. Who knows? You guys could start something really good for the school! Hint: Barbara has some great school based programs

[laoxinat]

hipumpkins, my post was so long winded yours got there first Great book, huh?

[hipumpkins]

I'm not a good typer so my answers tend to be short.

I LOVE the book and I am not even in a bullying situation.

[cjanelles]

I see this book is really recommended, huh?

I just ordered it from Amazon, but it won't be here until Monday. I'm wondering if I should cancel my order and see about buying it at a local book store this weekend so I can read it and go in to the school on Monday.

[hipumpkins]

Maybe take it out from the library while you are waiting.

[UUMom]

I'd go to school and talk with the admin. And imo, middle schools are pretty much one of the worst 'educational' ideas, ever. They put 13, 14 and 15 yr old kids in one building, with no little ones to help, no older kids to look up to and care for them. They turn on each other. It's a terribly confusing time for some, and it's often not unlike Lord of The Flies.

High school, while not always great, is often better.

You didn't ask about hsing, but my 15 yr old dd loves hsing.

[mikaela]

I agree with opening up some dialogue with the school. Communication is so important

[azjen43]

I agree that your should talk to the school. Let us know how it goes, OK?

[orangefoot]

My ds is a 5'0" 14 years old in a year of kids who are mostly already 15. He is half Mexican, has an unusual name, a mane of long dark hair and glasses. he has the gift of the gab and has mostly been able to talk his way out of trouble in the past,

He and his friends were getting hassle from boys in the year below over a bench in the school yard which they wanted to sit on but ds and his friends have used for their lunch for 3 years. What started as a turf 'war' turned into throwing things at them, shoving in corridors, bag stealing, verbal threats and ds being pushed into a window hurting his head.

These small incidents were reported to staff and the boys had tried to talk things out with these other guys but ds said they were at a point where they felt they couldn't do anything else. One day he came home and told me that one of them had chased him and had his bag off him and he had retaliated verbally in much the same way as your ds and gestured as if he had a blade in his hand. At this the other lad went mental and I think he was lucky not to be hurt.

I rang the school straight away an ds stayed at home the following day. He told me that his ideal solution would be that he could go back to school and that they wouldn't be there. My heart was heavy I can tell you.

Two days later the year head called me and told me that she had done some investigating with other tutors and that some girls had given her the names of these boys so she had tracked them down and watched them during break and lunch. She understood that it was too big for the boys themselves to resolve so she decided that their previous behaviour and what she saw merited the involvement of the police.

The police cautioned them that what they were doing constituted intimidation and threatening behaviour and any further incidents would lead to prosecution.

Ds returned to school after the weekend and there has been no trouble since and I hope it stays that way.

I hope you can find a solution because knowing that your child his feeling so bad and feeling powerless to do anything about it is horrible

[cjanelles]

I thank everyone for their input.

I talked to the 8th grade VP today and explained to him my concerns. Of course, he knows nothing of any of the other harassment that's been going on and is primarily focused on the incident at hand: My boy making a threat.

He said he will "investigate" the bullying, but that Jake will receive 3 days of In-school suspension for the threat.

As for home schooling, we were homeschooling prior to this school year. Jake really wanted to go to traditional school this year and having a new baby in the house, I doubted my ability to give his schooling the kind of attention it would require. So, we agreed to public school. And now that he's back there, even with all of the issues we're facing, I know he doesn't want to leave because of his friends and the social interaction.

It's a mess...this whole thing makes me mad.

[laoxinat]

Originally Posted by cjanelles

I thank everyone for their input.

I talked to the 8th grade VP today and explained to him my concerns. Of course, he knows nothing of any of the other harassment that's been going on and is primarily focused on the incident at hand: My boy making a threat.

He said he will "investigate" the bullying, but that Jake will receive 3 days of In-school suspension for the threat.

As for home schooling, we were homeschooling prior to this school year. Jake really wanted to go to traditional school this year and having a new baby in the house, I doubted my ability to give his schooling the kind of attention it would require. So, we agreed to public school. And now that he's back there, even with all of the issues we're facing, I know he doesn't want to leave because of his friends and the social interaction.

It's a mess...this whole thing makes me mad.

See, this is why I can't stand MS (well, I'n not exactly a fan of public education in any form...). The knee jerk reaction seems to be "Blame the victim!!! Fast, before anyone questions the dominant paradigm!!!"
Behavior that is utterly and completely unacceptable everywhere else gets dismissed as 'Boys (and girls) will be boys, it's just words, don't take it personally (good advice, but it's not enough)' blah blah blah. I'd make a stink, myself. But if you don't get anywhere or are too tired due to LO "wink how about charter schools? Are there any in your area? Jim Garbarino (Lost Boys) advocates for smaller, all-inclusive schools. Good luck, mama!!

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by cjanelles

I thank everyone for their input.

I talked to the 8th grade VP today and explained to him my concerns. Of course, he knows nothing of any of the other harassment that's been going on and is primarily focused on the incident at hand: My boy making a threat.

He said he will "investigate" the bullying, but that Jake will receive 3 days of In-school suspension for the threat.

As for home schooling, we were homeschooling prior to this school year. Jake really wanted to go to traditional school this year and having a new baby in the house, I doubted my ability to give his schooling the kind of attention it would require. So, we agreed to public school. And now that he's back there, even with all of the issues we're facing, I know he doesn't want to leave because of his friends and the social interaction.

It's a mess...this whole thing makes me mad.

I don't know. I was bullied (badly) in the middle school years, yet probably would have refused,at that time, to be Homeschooled. I was so peer focused and was mildly conformist. HS would have seemed very...odd.

Looking back NOW however, I wish HS had been an option and one my mother had insisted on (even if i was against it). The years of bullying were horrible, I was quite depressed, and he scars are still there. Sometimes we have to consider making decisions our kids do not like, due to larger concerns.

Good luck mama!

[Lambartly]

I'd honestly just try and wait it out until the year ends.

High school will be much much better. People mature a great deal. Even the freshmen who haven't actually matured will feel stupid bullying people as it becomes uncool. Middle school is always a mess.

[laoxinat]

Originally Posted by Lambartly

I'd honestly just try and wait it out until the year ends.

High school will be much much better. People mature a great deal. Even the freshmen who haven't actually matured will feel stupid bullying people as it becomes uncool. Middle school is always a mess.

This has definitley not been our experience. DD has not been a victim, but observes a great deal of bullying in her HS. It gets more subtle and covert, yes, but it is just as bad and sometimes worse, because what you are saying is a common misconception, so there are fewer checks and balances, KWIM?

[Lambartly]

Well, it's certainly not about case from what I see. The social groups become somewhat segregated maybe and the "losers" have their own little hangout, but nobody bugs them about it.