10 year old disrespectful

[mlsantarem]

This is sort a continuation of another thread but I think it might be more appropriate here with the preteen group

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Recap: I have a dd 10 ds 8 dd 4 and had had difficulty with my dd 10 over the last year which has tamper down a bit and my response has also been ajusted....
any how


My 10 DD is doing much better as are we both. She seems to be more comfortable at school and with friends. Also she is more respectful to her brother, that was another thread again lots of good recommendations from MDC.

Now I am struggling with her relentless attacks on me now. I understand that she will feel frustated with certain requirements in the house or in a grumpy mood but the lashing out at me seem beyond the pail. She just seems cruel, disrespectful and rude mostly to me.

I try and be patient with her but I am human

This is just something I remember from this morning. The school van was picking her and her brother up and beeping out front. ( I told them eariler that they need to get going that the van was coming soon) My son wasn´t ready and she was told to go out and let them know her brother was coming but he would be a minute...She says to me why don´t you help DS with his bag ´if your not too lazy`. I said that was unnecessary rudeness and she left for the van.

It´s stuff like that. I am not calling anyone lazy in my house it´s a lot of that kind of stuff to me which is shocking. I can´t even IMAGINE saying anything like that! It´s alot of that kind of talk, snide sarcastic and rude. I try and respond patiently let her know when she has gone too far but really what it that. I can´t help but feel it show a hudge lack of respect.
It seems that she attacks me personally when she is tired and or frustrated. I let her talk about the frustration but there are moments when I feel it´s going to get personal and then it moves into a personal attack, your fat ect... I let her know that it´s gone to far and it´s insulting ect...
It´s just been going on for too long for my taste and not productive it shuts down the communication. I do go back and say I understand that she is trying ect... but generally get the eyes rolling sign...It´s unpleasant.

I understand she is trying to use her tool of attack, language, it just seem early for this display of contempt.

I looking for ways to manage it. Better yet my response to it.
MLSantarem

[mamabeca]

I think you have two options. 1. be patient, be calm, remind yourself regularly that she will out grow this. Model the kind of behaviour you want from her. Be ok with being a whippin post for a few years, though you should talk to your partner, if there is one, as they could do some serious standing up for you.

2. Get down on her. Set limits, safe boundaries, etc., and should she choose to walk across them, she gets the consequences. This is a seriously fine line, mama, and often results in not being able to do fun stuff as a family, etc. I'm not saying punishment per say, but if she speaks that way to you in the AM, there are consequences. Like maybe not helping her with cleaning up her stuff, or taking her to lessons/friends houses, etc.

A good book for this kind of behaviour is Children are from Heaven He covers a lot of territory, and it may have some ideas for you. Try for it at the library.

My 10yo can get sassy too, but she'd never say anything like that. I think that'd really push buttons for me, so know that you are the right parent for her, even if it is HARD. I'm sure it will get better, I only hope it gets better quickly!

[Alkenny]

Ages 8-12 were REALLY hard here in this house...the defiance, pushing boundaries, mouthiness. It DOES get better.

We don't have to accept it though. I'm not sure how to handle it otherwise, but someone wise once told me that they push MY buttons and take their frustrations out on me because they know that I'll love them unconditionally.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but just know you aren't alone!

[Viewfinder]

My 9 yo dd: similar criticism

I'm taking some comments like that, too. It did take me by surprise, but I am kind of glad that my dd is experiencing this stage of her life being allowed to express these natural feelings that will help her define herself, really, instead of being afraid to. That's how it was in my family: I was terrified to express any criticism, or acknowledge that there was a difference between my mother and myself.

I'm trying to teach her some compassion with mind-numbing lectures that just give dd more things to be annoyed with me about.

I'll be watching for some better ideas.

VF

[RaeAnne]

I don't have any advice, just a perspective. I think there is a difference between expressing your difficult feelings and attacking someone. What if she punched you when she became upset? Would you just see that as her feeling safe enough with you to share her stresses? Or would you see that as a completely inappropriate way to express feelings, and insist on her finding a better way to let you know when she is tired, etc?

RaeAnne

[mommy68]

I'm taking some comments like that, too. It did take me by surprise, but I am kind of glad that my dd is experiencing this stage of her life being allowed to express these natural feelings that will help her define herself, really, instead of being afraid to.

telling your parent that they are lazy is not okay in my house and not "part" of becoming who they are.

I have known people who have defiant children and grandchildren and they are usually that way due to being parented very loosely over the years when they were younger. If you don't take charge and let them know consequences starting at a very young age then you'll be in trouble by the time they are older. I'm not saying "you" do this PP but I've seen it firsthand. I'm only forty years old myself but I've known parents and even grandparents that raise their grandkids and they have gone through it. It's easy to not realize just how easy you've been on your kids and then they get older and start to get more defiant during the tougher years, which part of it does come naturally. I wouldn't put up with it.

Kids these days are exposed to reality shows, MTV, and other stuff and I've viewed some of these things and see how women and girls talk to one another and to their parents. It's disgusting! I think a lot of kids pick up on that stuff and think it's okay to do it themselves. Your child needs to learn how to talk to you decently in order to know how to make it in the real world. She won't make it very far if she talks to other adults in this manner, especially as she gets older and is expected to make it on her own. She needs the proper social training from an early age.

[VegAmanda]

My 12-year-old son has been going through the same thing for a couple of years. It's better now than it was, but he still has his moments. He's an only, and was a pretty easy kid. I'm a pretty laid back parent, so we never had any "you can't say that to adults" rules when he was younger, mostly because we didn't need them. However, the first time he said something like that to me, we established them very quickly. It wasn't easy because my husband and I are pretty sarcastic with each other, in jest, and he was trying hard to model that. From a child, though, it just sounded rude. His sarcasm needed some fine tuning. I mostly approached it from the angle of "Adults will interpret what you just said as disrespect. It's very rude to be disrespectful, and at school, you will be punished for it."

At home, I can absorb a barb or two if the time and place are appropriate. If we're all joking around, or if I look at him when he says something like that and he's clearly pushing my buttons in a joking way, I'm okay. However, if he tries it when we're all stressed out, trying to get out the door, or the timing is otherwise obviously inappropriate, or if the barb is just plain mean, I correct him and explain why he crossed the line. There's a difference between being sarcastic and hurting someone's feelings, and I think he needs to help to find that line.

My husband is also really great about correcting him on my behalf, and I do the same for him. It's important for us that he understand that there is a difference between taking a benign shot at someone in jest and just insulting them to be mean. We rarely have to dole out a punishment, but the few times we have (when he was clearly lashing out in anger), it's usually something like an extra chore or the loss of a favorite activity.

[LotusBirthMama]

Another vote here for zero tolerance of that behavior in our home. I will admit, though, that we are pretty strict, so that is the POV I am coming from.

I have a 10 yo and a 5 yo and a baby. My DS1 is hitting the mouthy stage and I have found that I need to be as consistant as possible with my reaction. When he says something rude or aggressive I immediatly say "L, why are you speaking to me (your dad, sister) that way?" Usually the answer is, "I don't know! I'm mad!" Then the dilouge is opened up to see why he's mad, whats going on.

And then there is the times when he just oozes bad attitude for no apparent reason and makes everyone around him miserable for fun! Thats when I say "Lose the attitude or remove yourself to your room or outside so you don't continue to make everyelse miserable."

I have serious issues with disrespect, whether it be tone or body language or words. I don't treat my kids that way, so the don't get to do it to me.

[mlsantarem]

Thank you very much everyone for your thoughtful responses.

Zero Tolerance is how I feel but in practice what does it mean. I have let her know that in any other context the response to some one saying something like that would be dramatic. I would ask them to leave my home. I have told her that they are shocking things to say and unacceptable. And many time she has had to spend time in her room after those periods.

I don´t want to be anyone´s whipping post.

I agree that fine tuning sarcasm is part of it at times but the examples I mention where just beyond what I imagined I would be dealing with.

As for MTV and all we don´t have cable she watches films on the weekend and TV at friends house but I feel the impact is not hudge.
I have discussed with my husband our behavior being very aware of how we respond to frustration ect... not perfect but nothing like this.


I like the idea of consequences but it´s not direct as it can be in other situations that is the difficulty.

My husband is very intolerant of when my daughter is behaving that way, which is hudgely helpful, helps her see others less patient response to something like this.


I guess I am just dismayed that I would have to deal with this. To actually have to say that calling me (or anyone else) lazy is hudgely unacceptable and rude......It is finding the balance as teacher, providing guidance when your child is pushing those buttons in a way that is really unacceptable.

Anyhow
Thanks again.