My 10 year old daughter...advice pls

[emma76]

My daughter has just turned ten. She has always old for her age, but sensitive and spirited along with it. She is very influenced by peer pressure and is very concerned with how she is looking, clothes/fashion and her weight. She keeps telling me she is fat when she is perfectly normal. I'm not sure how to handle this. I know she's had a tough few months involving bullying at school and just generally adjusting to getting older.

I feel kind of helpless. I can't quite believe I have a ten year old and I'm not sure what to do with her. She's so very different to how I was at this age.

Any advice? Ideas on good books that might help her? What kind of activities do your ten year olds enjoy? She's outgrown most of her toys, but I'm not sure what to replace them with. I think I need a guide book on living with a ten year old!

Thank you for listening to my ramble. ...I hope it made some kind of sense.

[mamabeca]

First off, you should get The Period Book from your library. It has some really eye-opening stuff about how to talk with girls about changes in their body, moods, etc. It will help you to understand her moods better.

As for toys, my almost 10 yo dd likes cameras and mp3 players far more than toys, but she still plays with barbies with most of her friends, and also enjoys the play kitchen a lot still. She playes games, too - milles bourne and other card games are tops right now, jump rope, bike riding, and listening to the radio, writing stories, that kind of thing. she will also play outside on the trampoline, swings and sandbox still too.

Once in a while dd will say something makes her look fat, or she is feeling fat, and I quietly mention that she looks balanced and well proportioned. we sometimes look at pictures of her alongside pics of other models (not super models, models from like Land's End kids, Mini-boden, etc.) and she realizes for herself the parts of herself she loves, what she owuld chang if she could, and we talk about how it's so easy to get caught on one thing, stuck like a fish on a line. Maybe that kind of thing would help you to work through her issues? My dd is also very fashion/body conscious. It's really important to give her the feeling of being loved for who she is inside, especially at random times when it seems like everything is fine. kwim?

[A&A]

This is a good body book:


http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-Y...8652427&sr=1-1

It mentions eating disorders.

I agree with the pp that outdoor things are good--biking, jumping rope, skating, etc. Another idea is a remote-control car.

Oh, and think about getting her into an activity--piano or guitar lessons, AYSO (soccer), etc. Things where she can feel good about what she can do, not merely how she looks.

[ikesmom]

Feeling a loss of control over growth too

I have noticed my girls paying attention to so much more than I did at their age too. I checked out a few books on character building with examples and exercises but we have yet to do any of it .

On google if you click on more scroll to books and type in a subject ex; positive teen girls.. you can browse books and see if they are what you looking for.


http://books.google.com/

[guest^]

I feel for you!
I look back on the time when my DD was a toddler/preschooler,etc...and it now seems to have have so easy. It is hard now-for sure. My DD is 11, and even though she is HSed, she is so much more aware of her body and herself in relevance to others,than I was at that age.
There is so much pressure on young girls these days to be/look like Hannah Montana,etc that it is overwhelming for us moms to deal with it.
My Mom just told me yesterday how she could not handle raising a girl in todays society. The negative messages far outweigh the positive ones sent to our girls, and that is so sad! If we as adults have a difficult time seeing/hearing all that is going on with the youth of today, imagine how difficult and confusing it must be for our DC-especially our DDs.
I had so much confidence as a new mother, but at around age 9, that confidence slowly started slipping away. More than ever I need the invisible manual of how to raise a DC-fine tuned for preteens no less.
One thing that has helped me a wee bit, has been reading the series of books called..._Your One Year Old_....the last in the series is _Your 10-14 Year Old_. Though these are dated books(written in the 50's or 60'?), they are still right on for average developmental stages my DC are at. For ex: they talk about how 11 yo's are at the age of being so super critical of their Moms-more so than any other age, and how fairness is so important to this age. Just little things like that have been so helpful.

As for body stuff, I haven't read _The Period Book_, but I like-for my DD- the book by the American Girl series called _The Care And Keeping of You_.

For my DD, we are trying to keep her physically active, and involved with other girls her age in a productive manner. She is in 4-H,takes a music class, sings in a chorus, and plays volleyball. IN the summer, we sorta live at the pool, and she will play softball. IN the fall, she will get back into dance, as we took this year off. I get her to the park often for free play outdoors. She doesn';t really play with toys anymore, though she loves to play board and card games-and loves to go to American girl.com to play games there. She listens to music a lot-and I make sure it is a good balance of music-age appropriate pop,jazz,classical,country,opera,and Christian rock.

The biggest change I've seen with my own DD, is when I stopped letting her watch Hannah Montana-and every other Disney show. Within weeks, she seemed more grounded, and well-rounded.

Not sure if any of this helps, but I just * really* relate to the feeling of not knowing what to do with having a 10yo,11yo...

mp

[mamabeca]

That's a hard one for us - the whole TV bling thing. UGH! When I turn it off, she gets snarky and moody. When I don't turn it off she gets snarky and moody.

I find it the best to give her a small am't of the blingy tv thingy, and to let her get it out of her system at other people's houses, which they do whether I like it or not. I won't disallow sleepovers/playing at other kids houses, but I do NOT love the whole webkinz/disney thing that is just so ... superficial. I want my kids to understand the depth of humanity, the incredible beauty of spirit and art and creativity... but I am thinking these things will come with time.

[Sage.Naissance]

Great thing for 10 yr olds is to teach them how to cook. Let her pick her own recipes and make them together. It is a great chance to chat and bond with her too. It is a good primer for her to become a strong self sufficient woman, health concious/aware, and learn to have fun cooking(not a chore). Make sure you give her tonnes of positive feedback and let her do stuff the way she wants to, do funky design with the plates and stuff like that.
Other activities like dance and thinks other than the rediculous consumerism and hollywood crap that 10 yr olds tend to love are important.
Good luck mama, and trust yourself to do right.

[hattelatte]

My 13 year old really enjoyed
Body Drama: Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers
..really hip, down to earth and lots of body love talk.

[sunshynema]

My dd is only 7 but I have a friend who is 11 and she enjoys crocheting, knitting, and sewing. I just bought a machine & my 7 y.o. and I are learning to sew together. Its really fun. We don't have cable so she is oblivious to Hannah Montana right now... its so hard trying to figure out how much pop culture to allow in our home. good luck with your dd!

[mlsantarem]

I am struggling with my ten year old also. Can I assume you are British? Because I would recommend american girl dolls. For us I had to swallow the comercialism for the benefits. We are an american-british family living in Brazil. She enjoys the historical fiction books and plays for hours with the dolls still and it gets her also playing with our youngest dd4yo, pleasantly. Also she enjoys the series of books about growing and changing and understanding the world around them that addresses also body image and other pre teen issues. Body image is a salient issue for us because we live in Rio de Janeiro and female beauty is taken to extremely superficial level. I try an keep her involved in activities, which at the moment is difficult because her interest are changing.
For my family we (all of us my husband, myself and each of the three children) are required to be involved in one weekly activity (at least). It is really not a challenge for anyone but my dd 10 but she accepts it and there is enough flexiblity for her to feel she has a choice.

Well ...just to let you know that you are not alone.
MLSantarem

[emma76]

I wanted to thank you all for your thoughtful and kind replies. I have read through all of them and will be looking at the books you suggested and trying out some of the other stuff. My dd has also started going to a drama/singing group which she has enjoyed so far. It's really just nice to feel that I'm not alone - so thank you for that.

I have put a limit on tv and computer time. My dd was becoming obsessed with downloading videos of catwalk models from youtube! I have no idea where any of this has come from as I am so not into fashion or anything like that. I'm sure a lot of it is from other children at school. It just saddens me so much how these children are so obsessed with their bodies and what they wear. I remember being this age and being proud to wear my brothers hand me downs!

I just picked up a book called 'hold on to your kids - why parents need to matter more than peers' which I'm hoping will be useful.

misantarem - Yes, I'm from the UK! I have just been looking at the American dolls - a bit overwhelmed for choice though! Any specific recommendations? Thanks.

Thank you all again

[mlsantarem]

Molly

What story line/ Historical Doll that meshed well with our family was Molly. Her story is that it is world war II, her dad is a doctor stationed in the Uk. The books are about life in america during world war II lots a stuff about the UK ect...Her partner doll (great marketing can´t just buy one!) is an English girl (Emily) who has to leave britian for safety issues and stays with Molly. The accessories are interesting and educational but expensive and compulsive with catalogs that endlessly arrive in our home. But they come with series of books and that develope with reading skills ect..The original books are really for 8 year old but they do have others that are more advanced.

It was a hard decision to open that pandoras box but it help my daughter alot with reading and here brazil the doll choices are basically barbie and barbiesque only...it´s really too much.

Good luck
MLSantarem