Need advice mammas

[graceshappymum]

I need some advice from other lactivist mammas.

Some background. Dh has a co-worker (he works in a small business and we are good friends with the owners as is Dh co-worker). This woman's daughter, about to turn 20, is pregnant by her boyfirend. At first her mother was horrified, DD still lives at home, and mother does everything for her. She will continue to live at home as her BF is perhaps going to jail, and is otherwise not present.

Now to the lactivist bit. She has announced to her mother and others that she is not going to breast feed. I do not know what her reasons are at this point. What can I do????? When I found this out I started to cry. I don't know this girl personally, but I would really like to take her out for a coffee and just talk to her about breastfeeding in a positive way, let her see my DD still breastfeeding, perhaps tell her a bit about the benefits for both her and her child, as well as the harm that FF can do.

I guess I am just looking for any other advice on how to approach this young woman....any input would be much appreciated.

[LeighB]

Honestly? Mention the potential weight loss factor. I know that's a big perk for me.
I'm not sure there is much you can do if you don't know her personally....

Good luck!

[waiting2bemommy]

What is her attitude? Is she "all about the baby," or more interested in making life as convenient as possible? If she's all about the baby, I would tell her about formula being 4th-best according the WHO, the immune benefits and stuff like that. If she is more into aking life easy once baby gets here, I would focus on what I consider the biggest "selfish" perk of all: being able to roll over and stuff a boob into my ds's mouth at 3 AM and going back to sleep. honestly, the first few days in the hospital were so hard, and then when we got home and I figured out sidelying nursing, I was SOLD. way, way easier than getting up and making bottles. also the portability factor.

also, how far along in she? i know I was still a little weirded out about the idea of someone sucking on my breast up until I actually gave birth. then it just seemed natural. So mention that too...ask her to keep an open mind and maybe be prepared to at least "give it a shot" after birth, and offer to buy her the supplies, like a comfy nursing tank for post partum, some lanolin for sore nipples.

One last thing is that lots of young people (myself included) enjoy being part of a good cause. It doesn't bother us to go against the grain, and we actually enjoy the challenge. So the whole lactivist aspect might appeal to her as well. (Like, I get a kick out of nursing in public around here...it's kind of a conservative area...and seeing people's reactions, even though I NEVER show anything....the HORROR of a baby sucking on me...lol.)

HTH!

[graceshappymum]

I know.....I love NIP'ing here as well, a rather conservative city.....but odd thing is no one has ever said anything to me......and I am never completely covered (almost impossible with a wiggling 2+ uear old in my lap)

Thanks for the advice, I will approach both those tactics with her......a nyrsing tank and lanonlin would be a great idea. I will talk to her mum, who I know fairly well to ask her to ntroduce us......I think that she is kind if freaked out by the pregnancy in general.

[superfastreader]

Originally Posted by graceshappymum

let her see my DD still breastfeeding

I wouldn't make this part of it--if bf'ing a newborn is freaking her out, extended bf'ing might make her even more weirded out.

[menomena]

Originally Posted by superfastreader

I wouldn't make this part of it--if bf'ing a newborn is freaking her out, extended bf'ing might make her even more weirded out.

yeah that.

it just came out recently, that one of the reasons my SIL didn't even try to nurse was because she couldn't nurse "like [I] do." That she didn't want to nurse until her kid was a toddler. She didn't want to nurse in public. She didn't want to be tied to the baby "like [I am]." Basically, she saw me nursing and my experience didn't match her expectations for her experience so she didn't even try.

I think every mom/baby pair is different. I think every one can personalize their child-rearing experience. I'm sad that she didn't differentiate between what could be her experience out of her choices that still included nursing and what is mine out of mine. So, my leading by example backfired. And that really hurts.

Moral of the story: Lead by example; people will draw their own conclusions. And you can't do anything about that. You can only put out your own experience and information and whatever. You can't control how someone receives that info, nor can you control what they do with it. *sigh* It's tough, mama, I feel for you. We can't FORCE the world to change.

[mytwogirls]

I am in the same situation with a friend who lives nearby. She is 16 and pregnant and wants to TRY to breast feed, but has not made up her mind. She has seen me nurse my kidlets and says it is very beautiful, but just has doubts. I don't pressure her, I just educated her about the benefits of nursing. I didn't really mention the bad stuff about formula, just keeping everything positive about the nursing aspect of it. I also told her it is a LOT cheaper than formula and showed her how much formula costs. She was really shocked by that. I even told her if she did decide to nurse and goes back to school/work I would buy her a nice breast pump (her parents have all but disowned her) Just maybe try to stay positive about breast feeding. You sound like you are being a great friend and awesome lactivist! Keep up the good work mama!

[ramama]

Do you think that this young woman has a reasonable expectation of what life with a baby is going to be like? Do you know why she has decided not to BF? Does she want some semblance of a social life and therefore thinks she needs to FF? Perhaps taking her to a LLL meeting before birth, so show the normalcy of BFing and the social aspect as well. Or even a BWing meeting if a LLL meeting is too in-your-face. Just to promote general AP.

Or perhaps she's still scared of being pregnant, having a baby in general, and actually giving birth. It's hard to know what your body can do before it's been put to the test. Perhaps she just doesn't trust her body to nourish her infant. or even to give birth. I agree with PPs. Perhaps making it an empowering feminist issue, or involving her in lactivism will spark some interest.

[graceshappymum]

Wow mamas...thanks. This just reinforces why I love comming here. What wonderful advice. I think that she has absolutely no idea what having a baby will be like, nor would she really want one to interrupt her life. I [I]think[I] that she feels like this is a nice new toy that she will get to play with. I also think, given what I know about her, that she really just sees her breasts as a sexual object (I think that BF might have some influence on this).

You are right though, perhaps if I take her out I should leave DD with DH......BF'ing a talking child might be a bit odd!

Thank you, thank you mamas......you are all wonderful..........I will let you all know how it goes.

[Teyu]

I haven't read the other replies but I would honestly come at her from a point of laziness instead of the "Oh but it's soooo much better for your baby!" spiel.

Tell her that she will get 384798325 times more sleep if she nurses and cosleeps because once she gets the hang of the side lying nursing position she will be able to latch her baby while exhausted and fall back asleep. This single handedly saved me, a 22 year old who loves her sleep.

Tell her that formula will look so easy in the beginning when she is struggling with nursing but the reality is that it's not. I think that a lot of mothers who get frustrated that their baby won't latch or stay latched just think that they will magically take the bottle but they have to learn to latch to that too! All while holding your arm up and that gets tiring. When she learns that formula fed babies will sleep for longer stretches because breastmilk is more easily digested and therefore means more frequent feeding, I am sure she will look at this as a positive and think, "Hey I can squeeze in more sleep!" But unless she has a team of people willing to do night feedings her sleep will be way way more interrupted since formula night feedings involve:

- Getting up
- Preparing powder formula or warming up premixed stuff
- Being alert enough to hold a bottle upright to feed to your baby for 30 minutes

Heck by that time she might be so alert that she won't be able to go back to sleep!

I struggled pretty hard in the beginning. My son would nurse for hours and hours when he went through a growth spurt. He was also just not very efficient in the beginning. I pretty much posted all my frustrations on another board I go to and got oodles of support and encouragement and was told time and time again that it gets better. I believed them. I did not feel invalidated by these claims because I was desperate to make it work.

By 3 weeks postpartum we were smooth sailing. I had a C section and could not do the side lying position in the beginning because my son would kick my incision and it hurt. But still, sitting up with a Boppy around my waist while he ate and zoning out thinking about random things while super tired is still better to me than having to go through all the steps of waking up in order to prepare formula and feed it to your child.

Not to mention that once you've got it down it's a matter of lifting up your shirt and latching him on. I am typing up this post while he is nursing. Sure I have to kind of reach my arm around his head, haha, but I wouldn't be able to internet while bottle feeding! Uh yeah that probably doesn't mean much to most people but I love my internet so it's a plus for me. :P

Plus there is less of a chance of her baby being fussy for reasons such as: stomach ache, constipation, diarrhea, diaper rash, etc. if she is breastfeeding. A less fussy baby = a happier mom!

She is going to be doing everything pretty much on her own since she will be a single mommy. Her baby being breastfed will make her life so so so much easier. It may not seem like it in the beginning. It certainly didn't to me. But as a young mommy with my first it has certainly been easier than I ever expected. I am not a single mom though I imagine if I was it would still be easier.

Plus I was told to get like 32857 burp rags because he would spit up all the time. I was also told that I would be changing his outfit 3-4 times a day because of the spitup. Never happened! But those burp rags are handy to have to wipe up the spit bubbles that he enjoys making. Plus I use them for milk shields. Meaning that I will put one down under my son's head when he is feeding on a pillow so that the milk dribbles that come out while he is feeding get on the burp rags and not the pillow case.

I could go on and on!