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Mother's Day...

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
If you're a Stepmother, are you "allowed" to celebrate Mother's Day with your stepchild?

My Stepdaughter is not "allowed" to even wish me Happy Mother's Day or to call me if Mother's Day happens to fall on my birthday. She and her Mother go out and buy Mother's Day cards for all the Mothers they know, and she's encouraged (by her Mother) to make Mother's Day cards for her two Grandmothers- my Mother and my Grandmother, but she's told she will get in trouble if she gets me a gift or a card or even wishes me Happy Mother's Day. Last year, she maed me a card... and then made me swear I wouldn't ever tell her Mother because then she'd get in trouble. (My name is not allowed in her Mother's house- she'srequired to call me "Daddy's Wife" and her Mother refers to me as "That Woman". I'm not sure why I'm writing this, except that Mother's Day is coming and once again, I'm gonna feel like crap the whole day. (Yeah, yeah, I know that's the wrong attitude to have about it, but sometimes, you just don't have the energy to fight it anymore.)
post #2 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
If you're a Stepmother, are you "allowed" to celebrate Mother's Day with your stepchild?

My Stepdaughter is not "allowed" to even wish me Happy Mother's Day or to call me if Mother's Day happens to fall on my birthday. She and her Mother go out and buy Mother's Day cards for all the Mothers they know, and she's encouraged (by her Mother) to make Mother's Day cards for her two Grandmothers- my Mother and my Grandmother, but she's told she will get in trouble if she gets me a gift or a card or even wishes me Happy Mother's Day. Last year, she maed me a card... and then made me swear I wouldn't ever tell her Mother because then she'd get in trouble. (My name is not allowed in her Mother's house- she'srequired to call me "Daddy's Wife" and her Mother refers to me as "That Woman". I'm not sure why I'm writing this, except that Mother's Day is coming and once again, I'm gonna feel like crap the whole day. (Yeah, yeah, I know that's the wrong attitude to have about it, but sometimes, you just don't have the energy to fight it anymore.)
Oh I so feel you. With my youngest two step children, their mom refuses to let them call me anything affectionate, even though my youngest dsd refer to me as "our other mom." It's very very difficult and the trouble is you can't do anything about it but press on, and wait until they're older and can start acting on things themselves, rather than subjected to the rules of the house.

It's so hard.
post #3 of 23
I think it was admirable of her that she made you a "forbidden" card. My Dss is not allowed to acknowledge his own dad on Father's day, Xmas and birthdays much less me. Once when he was little he saved up all his Mcdonald's happy meal toys and gave them to his dad for Xmas, secretly. I think it is so great that you are loved and appreciated by your Dsd.
post #4 of 23
That is awful Harleymoon.

This will be my first Mother's Day as a Step-parent... and to be honest... I have a small amount of anxiety about it.

I guess I have no expectations really. DP has been pretty awesome lately and even though I will never be called Mom, he does agree that I am a second Mom to his daughter. He lets her know I love her very much, as do I and I know I'm a big part of her life.

I call her my little girl. And when he talks to her he says she is His and Jen's big girl.

Wether or not he will do anyting for me on Mother's Day... I have no idea. I know in my heart already that I will be hurt/sad. We won't have DSD that weekend, as it's set up for her to be with her Mom, as she should be. But we will have her the Thursday before and the Tuesday after, and a card or something from her would be nice...

Trying not to think on it really....
post #5 of 23
We skip the whole Mother's Day thing entirely. I'm not their mother, and, in my opinion, their mom deserves her own day and doesn't need to share it with me. I do get why it might bother her to share and so I don't take it personally. I have as a guiding principle that anything that sets her and me up in competition is better avoided.

In our case, my husband did a very cool thing. He has created [Violet_'s] Day (using the title they call me, not my name) and we have it some Sunday in July. This way they have a special day to recognize my efforts, and Mom's toes are untrodden, plus we get to see the kids on my day, since it's in July! (decree says she gets them every Mother's Day) The kids make me cards and artwork and usually I get flowers too The flowers were initially DSS's idea! -- he demanded I be given roses the first year we did this and now it's part of the ritual. It works for us.
post #6 of 23
We've never done a lot, but yes, my SD is "allowed" to celebrate. In fact, a few years ago, her mom told my partner it would be OK if SD called me "Mommy" (she's Mama)...so, this is really the one area where there's NEVER been tension. My partner took SD to pick out cards, and she apparently asked to get me one, too, so yay, cool...

In the past, we've celebrated Mother's Day the day before with my parents (they're the only close family on any side who live in the area)...we don't really do day-of because all the restaurants are a mess (and so forth); plus, for the first couple of years, I felt awkward celebrating Mother's Day with my boyfriend's daughter and my parents, who hardly knew each other (now, they're closer, my SO and I are engaged, and obviously I consider my "boyfriend's daughter" to be my stepdaughter but for the legalities), and the attendant confusion that going somewhere on Mother's Day while your mother was elsewhere would cause a preschooler...

We usually have SD on Mother's Day, even though her mom is entitled to every Mother's Day (and my partner, every Father's Day) because she'd rather have time off to herself. My partner asked about this year and hasn't received a response.

That truly sucks that your SD isn't even allowed to acknowledge you...I understand previous posters who say they don't want to compete with their SC's mom (I don't either) but your SD's mom seems like she takes things to an absurd extreme--your SD isn't even allowed to call you on your birthday because it happens to be Mother's Day? She can get cards for every other mother in the world except you? Yikes.
post #7 of 23
Nope, I am not acknowledged. The only person who gets me a mother's day card is my DH and he has been doing that since we were dating. The first card he ever gave me was for mother's day telling me I would be a wonderful Mom some day.
post #8 of 23
Don't look at the bad side, look at the great side - she wanted to do something for you for mother's day! I can imagine that it's frustrating to know that her mom doesn't approve, but it's a blessing in a way as well.. You know that her affection for you is greater than the fear of her mom's dissaproval (not allowing to show love always backfires... when do people learn?!).

*HUGS*

DSD never really wished me Happy Mother's day, and it never really bothered me. I didn't give birth to her, and her mom is in her life. *shrug* So not much friction/sadness over it in our situation. In general, I would love a "stepmom" kind of day. I hope she'll let me know she appreciates my efforts when she's older. For now we get along, and that's enough for me...
post #9 of 23
By the time I was really in a stepmom role, I was a mom myself, so it wasn't an issue.

The bizarre thing that I don't get its that by your siggie, it looks like you are a mom and a stepmom. So you'd be celebrating even without a stepchild. It is so weird that she can't wish you happy Mothers' Day. Does she get to wish you happy birthday? It is sad that her mother expects her to be so hateful towards you.

I second the pp that said that it shows a lot that she made you a card anyway. That is pretty awesome.
post #10 of 23
I've always been acknowledged because we've had the other kids to celebrate it with... so naturally my husband included my step-daughter in any gift-getting, etc. and she always signs the card. Her preschool was always great at doing two sets of gifts for every holiday. My husband has encouraged her to include her step-father in her father's day thoughts, though it seems they prefer to celebrate him with his own day the day before.

This year will be the first time we are not with her for either Mother's or Father's day, so we will see... if left to her own devices, my step-daughter tends to be inclusive, and it seems to depend on mom's mood as to whether or not she honors that or not... at this point she is young enough that she needs an adult's help to get things in the mail or make a phone call. I know that it is not a reflection of my step-daughter or her feelings AT ALL if nothing is done, so I won't feel hurt for myself... only hurt for her if she is denied the opportunity if she wants it.

My mom always encouraged me to include my step-mother in Mother's Day and helped me get a card in the mail on time, send flowers or a gift if I wanted, and reminded me to call... I appreciated it even as a pretty young child, and I know my step-mother did, too. Coincidentally, I will be celebrating Mother's Day with MY step-mother this year!
post #11 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
Don't look at the bad side, look at the great side - she wanted to do something for you for mother's day! I can imagine that it's frustrating to know that her mom doesn't approve, but it's a blessing in a way as well.. You know that her affection for you is greater than the fear of her mom's dissaproval (not allowing to show love always backfires... when do people learn?!).
Just this afternoon, I was walking the dogs with my stepdaughter and met our new neighbor. Our new neighbor turned to my stepdaughter and asked, "And who's this?" and my stepdaughter answered, "I'm her daughter." Super mush, but kinda worries me, also. I never know whether to say something or not... if her Mother finds out... It would be so much easier if she was allowed to love me, easier on her, if not easier on her Mother.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
The bizarre thing that I don't get its that by your siggie, it looks like you are a mom and a stepmom. So you'd be celebrating even without a stepchild.
I do have a son, so we do celebrate if at our house. If it's a weekend we have my stepdaughter, we have her until Sunday morning until 10. I love my son and I appreciate everything he does for me on Mother's Day, but when there's another child sitting there who refuses to even hug me or smile at me that day because she's afraid of acknowledging me on Mother's Day, it's not hard to get depressed. But I have to hide it for my son's sake. Last year was the first year that Mother's Day didn't fall on our weekend. It was also the first and only time she gave me a card (the Wednsday before- she made it at school). Go figure. The ironic thing is, I do as much, if not more for her as her Mother does and her Mother has her 2/3 of the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
Does she get to wish you happy birthday? It is sad that her mother expects her to be so hateful towards you.
She is not allowed to call me or her brother from her Mother's house and she is not allowed to talk to either of us on the phone unless her Dad sneaks us on. Like I said in an earlier post, for her Mother, I don't exsist.

The funny thing is, it KILLS me, but on Mother's Day or Christmas or my stepdaughter's Mother's birthday, if my stepdaughter asks me (which she does more often than not), I will bring her to get a gift for her Mother.
post #12 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
The funny thing is, it KILLS me, but on Mother's Day or Christmas or my stepdaughter's Mother's birthday, if my stepdaughter asks me (which she does more often than not), I will bring her to get a gift for her Mother.
I really admire you for this. I don't know if I would be able to take the high road. Your dsd will really appreciate this when she is an adult.
post #13 of 23
In DH's divorce decree it states that he gets my SS on Father's Day and his mom gets Mother's Day. So SS is with his mom, which isn't a big deal for me, because I'm not a big Mother's Day person anyway.

I don't know if my SS even gets anything for his mom for Mother's Day. He's never asked DH to help him get a card or anything. For any holiday, not even xmas. Her parents take care of stuff like that with him. I think one year they all went to brunch.
post #14 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
I really admire you for this. I don't know if I would be able to take the high road. Your dsd will really appreciate this when she is an adult.
I sure hope so. I pray so. But it's not all that innocent or "high road". In the end, I hope my stepdaughter looks back as an adult and remembers everything her Mother has said or done regarding me and her Dad and then looks back at all the times I did things like this and realizes the truth of it all. Either that or she'll just figure me as a fool for putting up with all her Mother's crap. But in the meantime, I hope she has a good childhood, regardless of all this divorce and "other woman" crap.
post #15 of 23
Harleyhalfmoon, that is incredibly sad and awful that she isn't even allowed to call her brother!! Seriously... he is part her blood, what could be so wrong with that?

I'm sorry! I admire you, because just reading about this has me annoyed! lol Doesn't her Mom get that it is only hurting her daughter not to associate with her FAMILY??? Ugh!
post #16 of 23
We do not have the kids Mother's Day Weekend. We will get my daughter's on Mother's Day at 10 and will celebrate with my parents and family. I am sure that Matt will include Madison in the cards. He did for my birthday earlier this month. I/we will help Madison pick out a card/gift for her mom also. Her mom hates me, but we are pretty sure she does not bad mouth me to Madison. I will do my best to make sure her Mother is acknowledged for Mother's Day and B-day each year.
post #17 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Harleyhalfmoon, that is incredibly sad and awful that she isn't even allowed to call her brother!! Seriously... he is part her blood, what could be so wrong with that?

I'm sorry! I admire you, because just reading about this has me annoyed! lol Doesn't her Mom get that it is only hurting her daughter not to associate with her FAMILY??? Ugh!
Actually, if you want to get technical, which my stepdaughtert's Mother loves to do, they're not the same blood, they're stepsister and stepbrother. Never mind that they are best friends or that they've been raised as sister and brother for the last 5 years, he's not "family" because, like me, he's not blood. Or at least, that's the excuse she gives my stepdaughter. Funny, though, my stepdaughter IS allowed to call her friends from school, even though, to my knowledge, none of them are blood related to her.

Yeah, it annoys, frustrates me and just plain pisses me off, too.
post #18 of 23
s That is so sad. I'm sorry, I forget... how have you been dealing with your DSD's Mom? I keep hoping maybe she will mellow after some time.

To me, family is family... period. There are tons of family members in my life that are not blood related but are my family all the same. I even have a few really close girlfriends I call my sister.

I feel for your DSD and pray she will be able to grow up with a loving open heart regardless of what she is learning from her Mom.
post #19 of 23
Sounds upseting for everyone, especially that little girl who is being forced to disavow her feelings. If it was me, I would just always make sure she was with her mom that day every year to save her from having to go through the stress, poor bug.

Maybe your DH can pretend like he's doing the Ex a big favor!
post #20 of 23
Had to share my own good news!

My SDd's mom is a college professor and their college graduation is on Mother's Day. She asked if we would take sdd from 12:00-5:00 So she can come to my family's mother's day picnic
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