Originally Posted by ThreeBeans
They learn how to 'manipulate' from the moment they're born. Except the word 'manipulate' sucks because it implies a negative connotation, which is stupid. It's not negative...it's healthy attachment and adaptive behavior!
Ahh...but it implies that because people use it negativly. I always get 'Oh hes just manipulating you' by 'well meaning' parents. What they mean is 'Hes acting in a certain way to get your attention and you shouldnt fall for that because you need to show him who is boss and prevent making a rod for your back'....
: ....so I hate the word 'manipulate'...because I honestly have yet to see anyone use it in a positive way! 'Oh hes just manipulating you/me/etc' has never meant (at least in our western world) 'Oh how beautiful! Hes showing a healthy attachment with you through his adaptive behaviour and you are such a good person for responding to his needs'....
Which brings me to my thoughts on this:
|Ok, let me phrase a slightly different question: At what age do needs and wants become separate entities?
I dont think they do for a long long time. Before reading this post, I was first going to reply by saying 'Babies
- can never manipulate' (with 'manipulate meaning the negative word it does mean in our society despite what any dictionary says lol'...But now I will say that 'Babies' do not have wants. I want
a bigger house, I want more money, I want some ice cream and a hot chocolate (lol)...but what I need
is probably just a nice glass of clean water at the moment. A 'baby
' needs everything it is asking for, everything it is manipulating for. A baby does not know one mintue from the next...they dont have un-needed desires. I would say the same for even a toddler. It is crucial for that healthy attachment we are seeking to achieve! And depending on the action, crucial for other very necessary growths as well - be it the need
for social interaction, the need
to learn about the world around us, the need
to feel loved and secure, etc etc becuase none of these things are wants, they are human needs... all babies will show these in different ways from reaching out for that knife or seeming 'soothed' to a certain music...it is still a need
for something deeper, but us as adults with more complex feelings and desires (and probably way off the path from what nature intended in our very complex world we lie in) may confuse this with a 'want' for just what we see on the outside. This is probably why the word 'manipulate' has grown to mean such a negative thing.
And that all sounds really deep lol
I am not really sure what you are asking - but it is very frusrating when our children are expressing a need and we cant quite put our finger on it. Even more so distressing for us when that need is expressed through crying because naturally as mothers, we want to be able to meet our childrens needs.
Just remember - we can only try our best. We have to keep listening to our children and just try our best!