XH's girlfriend is slapping DS's hand

[minkajane]

According to DS, XH's girlfriend slaps his hand. He even demonstrated and told me that it hurt. XH says he's never seen it and although he's a complete and total pushover, I think he'd say something if he saw it. Unfortunately, because he hasn't witnessed it, he is denying it altogether.

DS has never seen anyone hit a kid, at least that I know of, so he wouldn't have picked up the hand-smacking thing from seeing it. I am absolutely furious and I can't stand that XH is completely denying it. DS has been telling me for a long time that he's scared of her because she yells at him (which XH also denies) and now this. I can't stand that this woman is around my child, but now XH is living with her and says he's probably going to marry her (even though they've only been "officially" dating for a few months).

I don't know what I can do - a smack on the hand is not enough to get the courts involved (even if I could afford a lawyer). They wouldn't consider it abusive in any way. If XH chooses to live with her and let her watch DS, I don't know if there's anything legally I can do. And even though I've discussed this a lot with XH, he's not going to say anything to her unless he actually sees her hit DS. If she's not doing it around him, she obviously knows it's not acceptable. What's next? Is she going to start spanking him when he gets bigger?

Is there anything I can do? I am beyond furious that my child is being hit!

[robinCBN]

I would also be really really upset if someone hit my child. It sounds like you have joint custody? If not, perhaps you can make an issue out of it where DS ( but I know DS needs daddy too), doesn't come to visit if he is left alone with GF or if he comes home with reports of being hit. I think in some states only parents can hit their own children, and perhaps GF doesn't automatically get that status if she marries XH, in which case the courts might be interested. Just a couple ideas. You could also instruct DS in the art of verbal self defense, even if he is only 3? Like, tell him to tell GF that "its not okay to hit me" or something. Sounds like a tough situation, I'm sorry your DS is getting hit.

[minkajane]

I have sole custody, but XH gets visitation. He takes him most weekends. A lot of the time, though, he'll go ahead and work on the weekends and leave him with her. I don't know why he even bothers to get DS. I've been teaching DS what to say to her and I will definitely focus on it more.

[akaisha]

if you have sole custody i think you definitely have a legal right to say who your child does and doesn't get to be around. DS's care is in your hands, not your XH's. i would bring it up with a lawyer/at the next custody hearing if there is one. no reason XH can't see DS, but you have the right to stop GF from seeing him, and from watching him while XH works. if your custody agreement says that XH gets visitation, then XH needs to be the superivsor of those visits, i don't imagine the courts would appreciate that he's leaving his son, who he only sees at select times, with someone else future fiancee or not. i agree with the PP about teaching your DS how to react, but i'd take it further if at all possible. what GF (and XH by association) are doing is not ok.

good luck mama!

[Mama2Bug]

Maybe you could teach him to say "Stop that! I'm telling Daddy that you hit me! Hitting is NOT okay!" Then teach him to tell Daddy ASAP, first thing when he sees him.

Assuming your XH loves your DS and agrees that hitting is not alright, maybe it would help. He'd believe the word of his own child, right?

[puddle]

Is there any way that you can speak directly to GF? If she's providing childcare for your DS, I think you have every right to do so no matter how uncomfortable it makes anyone. Maybe she just has no idea how else to handle a child--perhaps she would be open to some GD suggestions? I'm so sorry she's doing that to your son.

[ShadowMom]

Call her directly and tell her if she ever lays a hand on your child again, she will have to deal with you directly. And, you will press charges as well so she'll have to deal with you and law enforcement.

And don't be too nice about it.

You want her to be just enough of a jerk about it to give her pause before she does it again, and think, "Oh man, do I really want that woman calling me again?"

JMHO.

[chfriend]

In some state, the other parent has a "right of first refusal"....so that if your xh is not planning to care for your ds, you have the right to be the one that "babysits." Maybe that's something you can look into?

[LeighB]

Originally Posted by ShadowMom

Call her directly and tell her if she ever lays a hand on your child again, she will have to deal with you directly. And, you will press charges as well so she'll have to deal with you and law enforcement.

And don't be too nice about it.

You want her to be just enough of a jerk about it to give her pause before she does it again, and think, "Oh man, do I really want that woman calling me again?"

JMHO.

:

[One_Girl]

I think you should call her and ask her about it. If the relationship is serious enough that he is going to marry her then it might be a good idea to try to be friendly with her to some extent. My aunt did a lot of calling back and forth with her XH's second wife and they actually built a really great relationship that helped her daughter to be secure with going back and forth. If she doesn't have kids it may be that she doesn't know what else to do.

You might tell her that you are happy that she cares enough to spend time with your son, even if you aren't it will get the conversation started, and then tell her you just wanted to let her know that since she is going to be a part of your XH's and your son's life you would like it if she had a good relationship with your son and explain to her that you have taught your son that hitting is something that only bad people do from the time he is little and you would prefer that he not think of her as a bad person because she will be important in his life. You can also offer to give her some of your parenting books or help her to cover the cost of a step parenting class if there is one offered in your area.

[dubfam]

OOHHHHH I Would be SOOO MAD

I think you are getting some really good advice. I don't have any (at least nothing nice!) to give but I wanted to post and say that I hope you can come to a resolution.

I will brainstorm and post more later.

[minkajane]

I talked to her.

I talked to her on the phone. She says that she's never laid hands on him and basically says that DS is lying. According to her, they have documented that DS says that DF and I hit him. He did say that for a while months ago, because we were play-boxing with him, but he hasn't said it in a long time. She said "You're play-boxing with a three-year-old??" like I'm actually punching him instead of just pretending to. I also told her that DS demonstrated how she did it and said she did it when he got in trouble and she went back to denying it.

I told her that if I find out she hit my son I will consider it assault. She said "I've never laid hands on your child." I said "Good, let's keep it that way." When she started loud fake sarcastic laughing at that, I hung up.

How in the world do you deal with someone like that?

[pranamama]

use "right of first refusal" at least until your son is old enough to be clear on what is going on. He needs a relationship with his dad, if his dad's not there then don't leave him there.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by pranamama

use "right of first refusal" at least until your son is old enough to be clear on what is going on. He needs a relationship with his dad, if his dad's not there then don't leave him there.

: this is what I would do too.

[minkajane]

Originally Posted by pranamama

use "right of first refusal" at least until your son is old enough to be clear on what is going on. He needs a relationship with his dad, if his dad's not there then don't leave him there.

The problem is, XH lives an hour away and I never know if he's going to be working or not when he comes to get him. I don't find out until after the fact (and often not then) if he's worked and left DS with her. If I asked if he was going to work, he would just lie and say no, then do it anyway.

Thankfully, XH is (he thinks) subtly cutting down on the time he spends with DS. He used to take him Thursday nights through Sunday evenings while I worked. Then he just took him Friday nights through Sunday evenings. Now DS is lucky if he spends Saturday nights with his dad most weekends. Next weekend and the one after, XH has informed me that he will be picking up DS for four hours each Sunday and that's it. So at least DS will be spending a lot less time around her.

[akaisha]

wait wait wait, he informed you? oye. i need to take a deep breath because this issue is very close to me, i don't have any kids yet, but because of my little brothers and my cousins kids. if you have court appointed sole custody and you have a custody agreement in place he cannot inform you of anything. he sees DS as per the agreement. if he wants to change the agreement he has to go through the proper channels. i know you said money is tight, but i would call my lawyer. this is about a lot more than GF's abuse, and that's what it is, she is not DS' parent and therefore has no legal right to physically discipline him. it's about his complete irresponsibility, and lack of respect for you and your schedule. he's passive aggressively using power tactics, and because of my personal experience i do not like it one bit. you have to put an end to these shenanigans mama, you have custody, you are the responsible parent, you are in control, not him and certainly not GF. and good for you for calling her and not taking her BS, that is absolutely ridiculous!

[EarthMamaToBe]

I would consider talking to a lawyer about your custody agreement I doubt he's allowed to take him for the weekend and leave him with someone who is NOT part of your custody agreement.

[minkajane]

Like I said, I am ok with him informing me that he's only taking DS for a little while, because neither he nor his girlfriend is a good influence on DS. He feeds him junk, plunks him in front of violent TV shows all day, puts him in a diaper because it's easier than taking him to the potty, and leaves him with his girfriend. Not to mention paying hardly any child support. I know DS wants to see his dad, but I have no problem when he wants to waive his visitation with DS. The less he sees him, the better, IMO.

I definitely see your point, though, Amber. If I find out that she has continued to hit DS, I will definitely see her in court. (Am I a bad person if I confess I taught DS to say "My Mommy will sue you!" if she tries to smack his hand again?)

[akaisha]

Originally Posted by minkajane

Like I said, I am ok with him informing me that he's only taking DS for a little while, because neither he nor his girlfriend is a good influence on DS. He feeds him junk, plunks him in front of violent TV shows all day, puts him in a diaper because it's easier than taking him to the potty, and leaves him with his girfriend. Not to mention paying hardly any child support. I know DS wants to see his dad, but I have no problem when he wants to waive his visitation with DS. The less he sees him, the better, IMO.

I definitely see your point, though, Amber. If I find out that she has continued to hit DS, I will definitely see her in court. (Am I a bad person if I confess I taught DS to say "My Mommy will sue you!" if she tries to smack his hand again?)

i know you're ok with it, and totally get your reasons (you definitely don't want DS around them and if he's making it easy by only taking him for short times then why not), but, just because he's trying to spend less time with him this time doesn't mean he won't try to spend more time with him later, or change the agreement in some other way, kwim? my dad used to pull that crap all the time, he'd be like "well you said it was ok when i called at the last minute last month and said i didn't want the kids for the whole weekend, so why is it not ok that i'm calling at the last minute and saying i want them for 4 days this week?" totally agree that if he wants DS for less time you should be more than happy about that, but just be prepared that it can escalate and go both ways. i don't know your XH so maybe he'd never do that, but just be aware.

custody issues can be such ugly things. s

and no, i don't think it's bad you taught DS that at all.

[yarngoddess]

I just wanted to add, that you should choose your words VERY carefully when dealing with them both, but especially with her. If you even say that "You will deal with me personally" as a pp said, SHE could call the cops and say that you threatened violence with her. Then it's she said she said crap. Try to record ALL conversations with GF and possibly XH. Tell them that you record all your calls, that way you have your own bobo covered. I'm glad that the custody is changing, but again be carefull how you deal with them. They could turn to WANTING full custody and say that you are keeping him from XH. Keep a journal (i'm sure you do already) of when he is picked up, how long he was there, when he was dropped off and in what condition. Diapers? Really? WOW. I'm so sorry for your little man.