DF is afraid to watch me give birth - WWYD?

[minkajane]

DS and I are talking about having a baby. I want a UC, which makes him somewhat nervous, but which I think I can deal with through education. Another of his worries is that he honestly thinks if he watches the baby come out, he'll be turned off of "that area" (by which he means sex) for a long time. I think he's being overdramatic and he'll feel differently at the time, but he's very insistent about it.

I may not even want him in the room at the time, but who knows, I may. I don't want him getting all squigged out at the most important moment in our lives.

WWYD?

[Kidzaplenty]

I have heard that watching a birth can affect a man's sexual response to the woman. I don't know, personally, as it did not affect my DH that way. But it is a real consideration.

Perhaps he could be there but position himself so that he does not actually "see" the birth? It has been done. If you are UCing, then you really don't "need" his "help" anyways (or at least that is the indication of UC).

Hope you find some good answers, since I really did not say much to help out.

[amitymama]

Personally, I think he has some unresolved issues that have nothing to do with birth if he can't seperate his sexual feelings for his partner from the functions of her vagina. I'm not saying this means he's a bad person or abnormal or anything like that, just that the thought of birth has highlighted his confusion between sexuality and biology. How does he feel about you breastfeeding the baby? Will that "squig him out" too and make him look at your breasts differently? He needs to realize that a person's body has many different functions and that one must learn to seperate them. His penis went into the same place that the baby is coming out of and that is a fact of life and nature. He knows how babies are made and if that was going to gross him out, he needs to resolve that issue within himself before agreeing to father children.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I really don't mean to be. And I know that many men feel this way and I don't necessarily blame them for that, but our society has made everything about women's bodies so sexualized that even our natural functions such as breastfeeding, giving birth or even menstruating have become taboo and "gross." I think it's ridiculously immature and it's time for it to stop.

I know this must be difficult for both of you but I think you need to ask him to have a long, hard look at why he feels the way he does and work on changing his perspective.

[minkajane]

Thankfully, he's definitely supportive breastfeeding. I will definitely talk to him about his perceptions. Beyond that and watching a lot of birth videos I guess it's up to him.

[paquerette]

Are you familiar with Michel Odent's writings on the subject? There are some men who are just sort of wired that way, I guess you can say. It's a valid feeling. Maybe he can work through it and maybe he can't. I don't think being present at birth should be "required".

[alegna]

Originally Posted by amitymama

Personally, I think he has some unresolved issues that have nothing to do with birth if he can't seperate his sexual feelings for his partner from the functions of her vagina. I'm not saying this means he's a bad person or abnormal or anything like that, just that the thought of birth has highlighted his confusion between sexuality and biology. How does he feel about you breastfeeding the baby? Will that "squig him out" too and make him look at your breasts differently? He needs to realize that a person's body has many different functions and that one must learn to seperate them. His penis went into the same place that the baby is coming out of and that is a fact of life and nature. He knows how babies are made and if that was going to gross him out, he needs to resolve that issue within himself before agreeing to father children.

:

I would say this is something he needs to GET OVER if you plan to have children with him.

-Angela

[alegna]

Originally Posted by paquerette

Are you familiar with Michel Odent's writings on the subject? There are some men who are just sort of wired that way, I guess you can say. It's a valid feeling. Maybe he can work through it and maybe he can't. I don't think being present at birth should be "required".

I don't know about that. If it's the nature of the mom to want female support and NOT want her partner there, then okay, I could go with that.

But if a partner of MINE who helped create that baby thought they would get to skip out on the labor and birth part because of some hang-up they had? That would NOT be even remotely acceptable. No way. No how. I'm doing the dirty work. It is their duty as my partner to support me through that work in whatever way I need. And I NEED them to be there.

-Angela

[sapphire_chan]

Is the vagina/sex issue even the really issue here or is it his fear? Some people cannot handle seeing their loved ones in pain. How does he handle you stubbing your toe? Is he helpful the way you need him to be helpful or is he too attentive or not attentive enough? What about when you're trying to do a physical project? Does he step in with exactly the right sort of help or does he frustrate you by helping without asking or not seeing that you need help until you ask?

Let him be your partner, don't make him be your midwife. If his being there will help you, have him there, but have him there for you not to attend the birth.

[thismommy]

How old is he? Dh was 26 when ds was born and he was like that. He actually said he didn't want to be in the room (hospital birth) and I told him if he wasn't he wouldn't be on the birth certificate . He talked to my dad a little about the "grossness" of it, and my dad who also doesn't like any blood or goo related things assured him that this was a beautiful thing that he would kick himself if he missed. After that he had planned to stand up by my head and not look at anything, but when the moment came, he had his head RIGHT THERE looking and watching. I don't think he was grossed out about sex after that...we waited until 5 1/2 weeks though, so he had some time to process. Now the bfing was another thing. He was 100% supportive, but he didn't touch the girls for 2 solid years (ds was still bfing at that time, I just asked him why he wouldn't and we talked through it). For dd's UC birth he had his head right in the action again and we dtd at 2 weeks pp, so I don't think it affected him. I probably wouldn't make him watch birth videos though, dh does NOT want to see another woman's parts all stretched out. He says its sufficient to talk about possible needs and emergencies and what I want/need out of him and show him drawings of things.

[Qestia]

We were planning on sending DH out of the room when it was time for the baby to come out, he's just super squeamish... but the nurse wouldn't let him leave!!! He stayed by my head and was totally fine. So--I'd try to accomodate your SO (if he's anything like mine, he puts up with way more from me than I do from him) but realize things will probably go differently than you plan... whatever your plan is.

[Kidzaplenty]

I think it is important to determine what roll you are asking him to be in. And really, if you are wanting a MW, hire one and don't ask him to be that person if he feels really uncomfortable (and has no training in that area).

If you are wanting personal support, why does he "have" to watch? Being with you does not mean assisting you. And supporting you does not mean watching.

So, I guess the first thing to determine is what are you expecting from him, and can you both get what you need within the confines of of your (both of yours) comfort levels?

[New_Natural_Mom]

I would recommend you respect his feelings. If he intuitively feels like watching the birth could be too much for him I would respect that. He may have other issues that cause him to feel this way, but I suspect you really wouldn't want him there if he feels this way. It would just put more stress on *you* when you least need it. My husband can see blood and gore unless it has to do with me. He was in the room when a doctor removed a bandage from me (not bloody) and he almost fainted. I had to have an emergency c/s and though my hubby was in the room he sat with me behind the drape and didn't watch the procedure - he wouldn't have been able to handle it. I respect that. It may not be the answer you want, but he is a part of the birth to and has the right not to watch.

[kailotus]

I would never force anyone to be at my birth who didn't want to be there. but i have to say that i think a man's unwillingness to be at his own child's birth is a sign of pretty poor character. there are times when you just need to step up! sorry, i don't mean to judge a man i have never met!

[desertpenguin]

minkajane didn't say that her dp didn't want to attend the birth of his child. she said that he didn't want to watch the birth..there's a difference. my husband was present for our ds's hospital birth but he was not at all interested in watching ds actually being born. he has no problem watching ds breastfeeding (even at the "ripe old age" of 3.5 yo, haha) and dh and i still enjoy my breasts sexually as well.

fathers being present at the birth is a relatively new phenomenon from my understanding...so it makes sense to me that many men don't wish to watch, and i don't think that it's something that should be forced upon them. yeah, it would be great if more men would like to watch their children being born i suppose, but i don't think that is going to happen by forcing our men to "stand up" (in fact, i think that would just create more issues than it would solve..) i think teaching our children is a better way to go about it. ds likes to watch birth videos and will likely be present for his sibling's birth. maybe when he is an adult and chooses to have children, he will be excited about the prospect of watching his own dc being born. who knows. just my 2 cents.

[Qestia]

Originally Posted by desertpenguin

minkajane didn't say that her dp didn't want to attend the birth of his child. she said that he didn't want to watch the birth..there's a difference. .

ITA, I mean, I didn't want to WATCH the birth--they offered to put a mirror down there and I asked them not to. I guess that makes me an unfit mother, huh?

[g&a]

My DH thought he would be all grossed out but wasn't. He planned to stay at my head but didn't. He said it looked so different than usual that sex afterwards was not an issue.

You're going to do what feels right to you at the moment. Let him do what feels right to him.

g.

[WeasleyMum]

Personally, I wouldn't make that big a deal out of his reluctance. From what you said, it doesn't sound like he doesn't want to be at the birth at all/ doesn't want to help or participate, just that he doesn't want to be all up-close and personal with the actual delivery. To me, his responsibility as your partner and the father of your child means supporting you in whatever ways necessary during your pregnancy, birth, and afterwards, but doesn't necessarily mean that he must actually act as midwife and catch the baby. There are so many other ways that he can be helpful and involved.

If anybody else stated that they weren't comfortable being at the business end of the birth-- our children, mothers, sisters, best friends, whoever-- we would accommodate them, right? Not demand that they get down there and "catch". Shouldn't we extend the same courtesy to our partners? Fathers are not necessarily born midwives, and for every guy that's totally jazzed about helping to deliver his own child, there's probably another that has reservations, whether he voices them or not. Your DF is being honest with you about how he feels, and is (fairly) supportive of your desire to UC. If it were me, I'd respond in kind, and respect his reservations.

: Good luck with your TTC!

[zoebird]

personally, i wouldn't worry about it.

i'd prepare to solo UC, and if he wants to be there and you want him to be there, then he can be there.

[Louiesmom]

Have some backup

About ten years ago, I was asked to be the birthing partner to a good friend whose husband's anxiety was so intense he feared he could not be a good source of support to her in labor. We all attended childbirth classes together and when she went in to labor, they picked me up on the way to the hospital.

The wonderful outcome was that he WAS able to be fully present and supportive; he even cut the cord! I think having me there as backup took the pressure off and helped him to be OK.

Just wanted to share that. Once you're all in the moment, I'm betting everyone will rise to the occasion.

[LoveLife]

My DH is the same way. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned that "some people" say that they can never look at their wife down there the same way again. Of course, my pregnant self got all out of whack and upset and he then started to say he was "just joking."

However, I know that he was trying to say that HE was afraid that things would be different if he looked. It was a bad way to say it, IMO, but his feelings are valid.

I was upset because he didn't see birthing our baby as the normal beautiful thing I feel it is. But then I realized that I don't expect him to watch me go to the bathroom or any of those things. And while I know that he had a part in creating this little one, that doesn't meant that he separates those things in his mind. (This might be a bad example, but its the only one I can come up with at the moment.)

After thinking about it for the past couple weeks I decided that after DH is done with his finals that I'm going to actually TALK to him about it. If he has that worry then I really need to allow him to express that. I've told myself that if he doesn't want to look- ok, no problem, he can stay up my my head and support me. If he changes his mind and wants to witness the miracle of birth up close, then that's great too.

I hope this post makes sense, it feels rambily.

Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say that maybe some guys are like that...