4 year old biting at school

[chandasz]

I am at a loss about what to do here.

My 4 year old is in preschool and loves it. Lots of friends. But yesterday-- she was sent home for biting. This is the 3rd incident. She's biting the same girl who is a friend (her parents are our friends too making this really awkward).

The school has said that if she does this again- she will need to leave the program. I understand that but wish they would work with us a little more.

The situation has been the same each time. The other little girl takes all of the necklaces and Naomi gets frustrated and it's an impulse control thing-- she just bites- not hard enough to break skin but bites.

We've talked about this before. That she won't be able to go to school there. She gets very upset when we talk and I know she knows that what she did is wrong but we need to make it stop!

We've tried coming up with alternatives when she feels the urge. We've talked about it every morning on her way to school....

Yesterday- I told her how upset I was. We also bought her a bracelet that ties on-- can't be taken off-- that we're hoping will be a visual reminder. We embued it with "magic" that will help her not bite.

I've told her that she is not allowed to play with those necklaces ever again and that she is to stay away from the other little girl.

They are moving her up in "grade" soon. Was supposed to be in June but now they said May 15.

Am I missing anything? What else can I do?

[Yo Becca]

first, as a preschool teacher, I couldn't imagine kicking a kid out for a normal, though problematic, behavior. Aren't you sending her to school partly to learn these social coping skills?

You can't prevent her from playing with this other child - and probably can't prevent her from playing with the necklaces. I would try a few things:

1) Let the teacher know that the necklaces are a cause of the problem and ask her to help guide your DD when she's playing with them. The teacher can remind her when she goes to the dress-up area, "Remember, everyone can share the necklaces. We need to be gentle with our friends, etc." There should be enough necklaces for everyone, and the teacher can help guide the children in not taking all of them, allowing some for other kids. If the other child gets all the necklaces, the teacher should HELP your child solve the problem verbally. She should stay near the children playing with them to help before the problem escalates to violence.

2) You practice solving the problem verbally at home. Help her learn the words she needs: "I want to play with the necklaces/that toy too. Can I have some/can I have a turn?" Help her understand turn taking, that she has to wait sometimes for her turn. If the words don't work and her friend won't share, ask a grown up for help (at her age, she may still need a grown up to help - as she learns about sharing and turn taking and how to not get so frustrated she gets violent, she'll be able to negotiate all this independently). SHe needs help right now negotiating sharing/taking turns

3) Emphasize and re-emphasize that we do not hurt our friends - don't do it in a shameful way or over-do the "last chance" nature of this situaiton, b/c that will just make her more stressed out. But make it clear that it's not acceptable, and help her think about other ways to express her anger. "How will we do it differently next time?" is a good question - then roll play it. There are kids books, like "Mouths are not for Biting" that might help.

4) Plan a play date with this child, where you guide and help both children share. Offer the words. Sit with them, and when you see that your child wants something, prompt her to use her words "I see you want the shovel. You can ask Jenny: 'Jenny, can I have the shovel?'" (let her say it too) then prompt Jenny, "Jenny can Lisa have a turn with the shovel now or in a few minutes? You can say 'Okay, you can have it in a few minutes'" (let her say it too). It seems cheesy, but an adult showing them *how* to ask for a turn, and how to respond, really helps them understand how to do it. And if you see your DD getting rough, intervene immediately, "I see you are frustrated, but i cannot allow you to hurt your friend. What's up? What do you want to do?" then help her figure out how to do it w/o hurting anyone.

Don't be embarassed - this is so common, and it's likely due to the frustration your DD feels b/c she doesn't know how to solve the problem of wanting to play with the toys. Help her solve the problem verbally, and the physical stuff will decline. It's not an overnight fix, but at 4 it won't take too long.

Talk to your child's teacher/director and ask them to be patient as you work through these problems. Explain what you are doing and ask them to help you. Your child is not bad, or a "problem child." They have to protect the other child, but the best way is to help your child learn to deal with this situation more peacefully. It may also be that the class environment is over stimulating. Is there lots of noise/music/activity when this occurs? Does your teacher have a cozy corner or a space for your DD to chill out and tune out? She may be overstimulated and reacting to that as well.

[LuckyMommaToo]

Would the school be willing to remove the necklaces completely for a couple weeks? If they've been the trigger every time, maybe that would help.

That said, four does seem a little old to me to be biting. Are you sure she's not being bullied? Is the teacher ratio good? Does it seem like the teachers have been close by when this happens?

DOes the school encourage the kids to talk to each other? I'd role-play like crazy. You be Naomi, and take all the necklaces. Get your daughter to use her powerful, loud voice. "I want some necklaces, too!" "It's not okay to take all the necklaces!" (Even if she's shouting at her friend, that's WAY better than biting.)

Anyway, hope you can find a solution.
-e

[One_Girl]

I think you should do a lot of role playing about frustration for the next few weeks and asking her what she would do if someone takes her toy, has all the necklaces and won't share, calls her a mean name, etc... Four is pretty old for biting still, pushing and hitting are really normal but biting isn't. And because biting can cause a lot more damage than most hitting and pushing it is something that even good daycares have a limit on. Have you had her into a dentist to see if she has something going on with her teeth? It may be that they are bothering her and when she is angry she bites because the irritation is present in them. Does she bite at home as well? If so try to change your response to make it a little more clear that this is not acceptable behavior. You might also consider taking her in for play therapy if she tends to be aggressive anyways, they may be more willing to work with you at the daycare if she is getting some help from an outside source to deal with the issue.

[chandasz]

Thanks for all the thoughts...

Her teeth are fine. She only bites this one girl and only when playing with this one toy.

We decided that she should not play with the necklaces any more. She agrees (well- understands). We share this with the teachers and got their support in helping her remember that she is not to play with them.

We talked to the teachers about watching this a little more closely and to please step in and help manage this situation BEFORE it escalates. We're going to set up a meeting with the principal as well.

We tried having her wear a bracelet (that tied on) to help her remember but the bracelet upset her (I think she was embarassed).

They are moving her up to the next grade in a couple weeks so we're keeping our fingers crossed.