I lost it

[fairejour]

I feel so terrible. I never wanted to be this mom. My daughter is almost 5. She is the most strong willed child I have ever seen (and I taught preschool for many many years) She is home from preschool today. She was very tired after lunch and starting to throw things and yell, so I told her to get ready for a nap. She grabbed the handrail in the stairs and refused to move. We use a coin system to reward good behavior and take away coins for bad behavior. I stood at the top of the stairs and counted to 3. She just screamed and refused, so I did it again...and again....and again....and again. She just screamed and refused to move. I got mad and walked down the stairs and pulled her off the rail and started carrying her to her room. She punched me in the face. I dropped her. She continues to scream and cry and kick. I walked into the other room and sat down fumming. I told her to go to bed, she screamed and refused. I just lost it and grabbed her and spanked her butt.
I was so frustrated. She never listens, she fights everything. The coins where working very well for awhile but she just doesn't care. She just doesn't listen. I feel awful now. I was spanked as a child, but it was when I was very young and I don't remember what I felt at the time. I went back downstairs and cried. When I was calm I went back upstairs and told her she needed to go to bed. She told me she wanted to take her stuffed bunny, I told her no problem. I sat her down on my lap and told her I was sorry and that it was wrong that I hit her.
Is there anything else I should do? She is in bed. What is she thinking? I told her I was so sorry and that I won't do it again and that I was wrong. What else should I do? I don't want to be this mom. I promised myself I would never do this....

[dubfam]

You are a good Mom. You know that it wasn't okay to spank and you want to make it right. Lots of parents spank their kids multiple times per day and see nothing wrong with it.

I don;t have any other advice about what to tell your DD but I am interested to see what others will recommend.

Please don't be to hard on yourself Mama...this is a hard job with no vacation or mental health days!!

[VikingKvinna]

Oh honey, if it makes you feel any better, I was totally "that mom" in the backyard this afternoon, and with no good reason. I was just short with my kids and kept yelling at poor DS when he accidentally spilled the bubble jar. I actually said, "Jesus Christ Julian, what're you doing?!?!" :

The point is, I think we've all been in the situation when we've been so frustrated and angry and at our wit's end that we've been tempted to hit or strike out at our kids. The fact that you resist 99.99% of the time is nothing to sneeze at. You made a mistake today, but you have to forgive yourself. I think the best thing to do is to be extra gentle with both DD and with yourself for a few days. And while it's hard not to, try not to replay the incident over and over again in your head -- or if you do, stop before you get to the spanking bit, and rehearse in your head how you could have done it better -- so that you are prepared next time you get so angry. I find that "rehearsing" such situations mentally really gives me a good way to prepare, even though I might not do as well in reality.

Remember, gentle discipline -- and children -- are works in progress. You're doing fine.

[Tuesday]

Hugs to you! Your DD sounds similar to my almost 5 year old DS. I've been in your situation, unfortunately, more than once. Several times. You feel horrible but it's sometimes so difficult to extract yourself from what is becoming an increasingly explosive situation.

I think the idea to rehearse what to do "next time" is a good idea.

Have you read The Explosive Child book? Dr. Greene has some good words of advice about explosive kids.

Can I just check something too - you said your daughter was very tired at lunch time so you told her to "get ready for a nap"? Is a nap a regular part of her routine? I ask because if told my DS to get ready for a nap, no matter how exhausted he was, it would be like waving a red flag at him. He's just refuse and likely behave as your daughter did.

If she really needs a nap and she is refusing, perhaps next time you could simply implement some sort of quiet time using her boundaries and suggestions. Just cuddling up with bunny and Mommy for a quiet story book might be a good chance for her to recharge (and even doze) but she wouldn't be "napping".

I feel for you. I've had so many issues with my son but sometimes I think things escalate when I can't step back and emotionally distant myself from the situation (which may be easier to do when you're teaching other kids too? do you think?).

I've even started printing out a few messages to myself on Yellow Post-its, if you can believe it to remind me to slow down, take a breath and remove myself from situation if necessary.

Take care! Good luck!

[grantskismom+1]

I was there yesterday. I actually made the conscious decision to spank my 3 year old because I thought to myself, this gentle discipline thing doesn't work. Ya....and neither does the spanking thing.

The first thing you've got to do is get over any guilt you feel. When I feel guilt I know I'm emotionally capable of dealing with my children properly. You've just got to forgive yourself and move on. Just as our children have things that make them act out, so do we. That's part of being human.

Something I've found that works for me...I practice removing myself emotionally from the situation. It doesn't always work and sometimes I let my emotions go and become negative. The more I practice (and my son's giving me LOTS of practice this week) the better I get at it. I may not respond to my son as compassionately with this method but at least I don't get angry and lash out. I look at it as sort of a "gray area" where I can go when my son's having his really bad days.

[caspian's mama]

i second "explosive child". no other advice, just BTDT and a big

[angela&avery]

im sorry, we have all had those days. Well I have at least..

its a work in progress. i always found that when I was in he process of reading a GD book, I had fresh tools in my toolbox to pull out and use daily, and when i wasnt currently reading anything Id forget....

For about a year I just read and reread my GD books. I read every night and it really helped me to keep things fresh and try different things during crises.

you are a good mom bc you know its wrong and you are trying to change it.

I used to do the same thing and I always apoligized to my kids and I still do when I lose it...

Now a days "losing it" is yelling like a crazy person but its been..... 3 years since I started my journey, and Im beginning to yell less too.

You will get there. Just keep getting back on the wagon.

[mountainsun]

I "lost it" with my 4 yo today, too and I feel absolutely horrible. So you are not alone. I think I need to start re-reading some of my books, too, that's a great idea.

take care, mama.

[Breeder]

Oh, mama! I think apologizing was the best thing you can do. Everyone makes mistakes and you were modeling to your dd that when you make a mistake you should apologize for it, remember tomorrow is another day.

I've had a couple of instances I am not proud of in the 3rd trimester of this pregnancy. Most notably yelling at DS1 for spilling tomato soup on the carpet and then bursting into uncontrollable tears right infront of him, causing him to bawl too. I just held him in my lap while he cried and I apologized and kissed him on his face. That was two weeks ago and I'm still cringing to think of it.

It helps to think of all the things I've done right before and since then.

[bellacymom]

Oh man that must have been rough. I might have lost it too. I have lost patience in lesser situations.

[sailormom]

Originally Posted by bellacymom

Oh man that must have been rough. I might have lost it too. I have lost patience in lesser situations.

Me too!!