Sunday, October 14th, 2007, something terrible and wonderful happened this day.
The terrible thing I witnessed, I will not speak of. But, of what's wonderful: I vowed not to use physical violence to "discipline" my children anymore. We had used hand slapping, and it was only "effective" temporarily--and only at the BEGINNING of starting to use that "method." It was too easy to "lose it" and become my mother and hit him harder and too much. It was increasingly less effective after each "use" (he began to think it was funny and a game). It didn't teach him anything except to be afraid (of us). It didn't teach him self-discipline. It didn't teach him to do or not do something.
When I stopped hand slapping, understandably, there was a revolt. I learned to be more patient and understanding. It is a LOT more work to be a gentle discipliner/guide of life. It's a lot harder to pay attention to the fact my kids are getting tired or hungry and meet those needs BEFORE things get out of hand instead of AFTER things have gotten out of hand--it was easier to just think he was being "naughty" and punish him for "bad behavior" (which was essentially punishing for being tired or hungry). It takes much more energy and creativity to come up with ways to redirect, to retrain myself of how to speak and interact (this behavior was NOT modeled for me at all--I lived with the exact opposite interaction). It takes WAY more brain cells to read a book about understanding my kids.
My husband didn't/doesn't hold the same belief system as I did/do when it comes to discipline. That has caused extreme friction--it still does. But, you'd be surprised how quickly he stopped slapping too--slapping wasn't effective...but, by modeling what was a better interaction over-and-over again--and seeing that "my" way had RESULTS...well, he has started using "my " methods too.
Now, I'm not perfect. I have had a couple of incidents (tapped his leg for kicking me, or squeezed his leg for kicking me, etc.) that I'm not proud of how I've handled myself--taking advantage of my physical size and strength over him. I have failed--but I've forgiven myself, asked for forgiveness, learned, and moved on. I still yell at times--mostly in "danger" situations, but sometimes when I'm having difficulty controlling myself with my toddler being a toddler.
That's what discipline is all about, really. Controlling OURSELVES in trying situations...not trying to CONTROL our children in trying situations. Disciplining in a way that is truly teaching, not controlling. Giving our children the life skills they need to be compassionate, empathetic, independent individuals while keeping them safe. Setting the example for how to live through my life.
It's been a transforming few months. I've learned a lot--and I'm still learning tons (I'm still trying to wrap my head around the "forced apologies" thread I started awhile ago). I'm amazed how gentle discipline has not only changed my children, but it's changed me and my husband. We've got a long way to go...but a huge step for me was taken 10/14/2007, the day I vowed not to hit again.
Were you raised gently?
I was not--I had the exact opposite.
Have you always raised your kids gently?
I have not--but I plan to from 10/14/07 on--I'm still learning, so have grace with me.
What has helped you to be more gentle?
Not wanting my kids to have my childhood. This board. Several books (Raising your spirited child, Loving your child is not enough, talk so kids will listen, etc.).
What do you still need to perfect in being gentle?
My tongue. What I say and how I say it needs major work. It's amazing how much practice it takes to move from commanding/punishing/demeaning language to cooperating/productive/life-giving language--especially when it wasn't modeled for me--and especially since I'm "doing it alone."
So, my fellow mdc mamas, my inspiration, tell me:
Were you raised gently?
Have you always raised your kids gently?
What has helped you to be more gentle?
What do you still need to perfect in being gentle?
The terrible thing I witnessed, I will not speak of. But, of what's wonderful: I vowed not to use physical violence to "discipline" my children anymore. We had used hand slapping, and it was only "effective" temporarily--and only at the BEGINNING of starting to use that "method." It was too easy to "lose it" and become my mother and hit him harder and too much. It was increasingly less effective after each "use" (he began to think it was funny and a game). It didn't teach him anything except to be afraid (of us). It didn't teach him self-discipline. It didn't teach him to do or not do something.
When I stopped hand slapping, understandably, there was a revolt. I learned to be more patient and understanding. It is a LOT more work to be a gentle discipliner/guide of life. It's a lot harder to pay attention to the fact my kids are getting tired or hungry and meet those needs BEFORE things get out of hand instead of AFTER things have gotten out of hand--it was easier to just think he was being "naughty" and punish him for "bad behavior" (which was essentially punishing for being tired or hungry). It takes much more energy and creativity to come up with ways to redirect, to retrain myself of how to speak and interact (this behavior was NOT modeled for me at all--I lived with the exact opposite interaction). It takes WAY more brain cells to read a book about understanding my kids.
My husband didn't/doesn't hold the same belief system as I did/do when it comes to discipline. That has caused extreme friction--it still does. But, you'd be surprised how quickly he stopped slapping too--slapping wasn't effective...but, by modeling what was a better interaction over-and-over again--and seeing that "my" way had RESULTS...well, he has started using "my " methods too.
Now, I'm not perfect. I have had a couple of incidents (tapped his leg for kicking me, or squeezed his leg for kicking me, etc.) that I'm not proud of how I've handled myself--taking advantage of my physical size and strength over him. I have failed--but I've forgiven myself, asked for forgiveness, learned, and moved on. I still yell at times--mostly in "danger" situations, but sometimes when I'm having difficulty controlling myself with my toddler being a toddler.
That's what discipline is all about, really. Controlling OURSELVES in trying situations...not trying to CONTROL our children in trying situations. Disciplining in a way that is truly teaching, not controlling. Giving our children the life skills they need to be compassionate, empathetic, independent individuals while keeping them safe. Setting the example for how to live through my life.
It's been a transforming few months. I've learned a lot--and I'm still learning tons (I'm still trying to wrap my head around the "forced apologies" thread I started awhile ago). I'm amazed how gentle discipline has not only changed my children, but it's changed me and my husband. We've got a long way to go...but a huge step for me was taken 10/14/2007, the day I vowed not to hit again.
Were you raised gently?
I was not--I had the exact opposite.
Have you always raised your kids gently?
I have not--but I plan to from 10/14/07 on--I'm still learning, so have grace with me.
What has helped you to be more gentle?
Not wanting my kids to have my childhood. This board. Several books (Raising your spirited child, Loving your child is not enough, talk so kids will listen, etc.).
What do you still need to perfect in being gentle?
My tongue. What I say and how I say it needs major work. It's amazing how much practice it takes to move from commanding/punishing/demeaning language to cooperating/productive/life-giving language--especially when it wasn't modeled for me--and especially since I'm "doing it alone."
So, my fellow mdc mamas, my inspiration, tell me:
Were you raised gently?
Have you always raised your kids gently?
What has helped you to be more gentle?
What do you still need to perfect in being gentle?
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