Preteen-Teen no contact with bio-father, some questions

[young_mama08]

If it's too personal for you to talk about in the main forum, feel free to send me a private message instead.

DS and I have no contact with his biological father. It isn't an issue at all right now because DS is only young, but im wondering what happens when he gets older and starts asking about him?

I've decided to explain when hes around 4-5yrs old that some children have a mommy, some children have a daddy, some children have both, some children have a grandma, grandpa, uncle, auntie etc etc. It's not unusual nowadays for children to grow up without any contact with one of their parents- usually father, so Im thinking it won't be an issue for him while hes young at all.

I guess my question is, around what age will he start maybe feeling bad he doesnt know his bio-dad? how will that affect him/how will he feel about it? I keep reading about how it will affect him really negatively, and its frightening me

Anyone experienced this or a similar situation and have any advice for me, or can share your story please?

[snazzy_mom]

My ds#1 doesn't have contact with his bio father and if I recall correctly, it was at about age 7 that he started asking questions. I can't say that I have handled it the correct way but what I explained to him was that sometimes mommies and daddies don't live together. That appeased him for the time but now that he is older (10), we have talked about it a lot more and I let him ask any questions that he has. While I don't go into great detail, I give him enough information that he feels satisfied with the answers.

Unfortunately, his bio-father is a drug user who still thinks he is 16, in and out of jail, doesn't have a place to live, violent, etc. What I explained to ds is that his father makes bad decisions and since I am responsible for ds, I decided not to let someone who makes those kind of bad decisions in his life because he is too wonderful to be brought down by that. I also make sure to tell him that his father does care about him, he just isn't as good at showing it as other people. I don't ever want him to feel like he wasn't "wanted", even if I know better. Funny thing is, my ex seems to think that when Cameron turns 15 (that's his magic number) that he will want a relationship with him and will hate me...nm that he doesn't call, write, send bday gifts or anything...

Luckily, ds is a really laid back kid and so far, doesn't want to contact his bio-father but I think that has a lot to do with my husband. He's been ds's role model and is the exact opposite of everything his bio-father isn't and I think Cameron doesn't want to see what the opposite of his step-father is.

It's a tough situation to be in because it's such a fine balance. Good luck with whatever appraoch you decide to take

[gypsymomma4]

my oldest has no contact with her bio-father. he abandoned us when she was 18 mo old. when he wanted to continue a relationship with her, she told him no way, I did try to encourage contact when she was little, though he was not consistant with it at all- he is bi-polar, and doesn't like to take his meds. When she was five he gave up his rights and disappeared. I had re-married by then and had another child, and he felt that his presence in her life was to disruptive for her. She refused to acknowledge his existence for years. Now she is curious, but wary, and would like to perhaps talk to him. so far I can't locate him, but I do have an old mutual friend who is looking into it. My dd is a normal, if bookish and quiet teen, and very much loves her daddy-my DH and her siblings, and no one in the extended family treats like she is anything but one of the family, most of our friends don't even remember-if they know, that she is not DH's. Sometimes you got to do what is right for the child even if 'popular convention' says it will be negative.

[BedHead]

My ex has had sporadic contact with the kids over the years. The only one that ever cared was the oldest, and it took years for him to realize that his biodad just doesn't CARE. It was heartbreaking for me to watch but necessary I guess.

I have always told them the truth - that their biodad just seems to have other priorities in his life and that it has nothing to do with them but everything to do with him. I've never prevented him or them from communicating - I've actively tried to encourage it, and he's the one who never follows through, so he's let his true colors show and now that they're older they don't even bother asking about him any more.

[bvnms]

I've been married twice and Steph and Mikey are from my first marriage. The last time they saw that person was 1999. He chose to quit calling and coming around, even after he got out of prison. My kids know that he doesn't make an effort to see them and while I think it hurts them, they won't talk about him at all anymore. A few months ago, Mikey said he wanted me to get married again so he could have a dad. (2nd husband was no prize and did not act like a father to Mikey at all) I explained to him that while I would like to get married again someday, I won't marry just anyone and if I do, it has to be someone who has an overwhelming love for all of us. He does spend alot of time with one of my brothers so I think that has helped alot.

[SAHDS]

This is my personal story:

I have no contact with my biological father. In fact, I don't even know his name. My older brother's dad insists that I'm his, but my mom has told me he's not because she had a one-night affair that produced me (romantic, I know).

There is a huge difference with me, though. I'm not sure of your situation, but my mom met my 'dad' when I was an infant. He took me (and my brother) in, loved us, raised us, etc. for 3 years. My mother and my 'dad' split when I was 3, but he continued to see me on weekends (A 23 year-old man who could have easily walked away; he's amazing).

Anyway, because of my 'dad', I have rarely wondered about my biological father. Maybe once or twice when I got preggo w/ DD and wanted to know medical history,etc. Plus, it'd be nice to know my heritage from his side. But, my 'dad' was the one who raised me, walked me down the aisle and cried when I gave birth to DD (he was in the room with my mom and DH). It always makes me laugh when I tell people my 'dad' is my mom's ex-boyfriend from the early 80's (which, he is, literally).

So, I guess it's different if you have/don't have a male figure in your life, regardless of blood. Does your DS have one?