keeping a commitment

[karne]

I would love some input here. My dd is involved with some afterschool activities, two of her choosing, and one that DH and I picked because we thought it would be "good for her". So, problem #1 is that this is clearly too much for dd. The other is that she really does not want to participate in the activity she feels she didn't choose (we asked her, but honestly, I don't think we gave enough weight to her reponse). So now, we both feel stupidly disrespectful of dd's feelings, locked into a commitment she doesn't want, and unclear whether to help her see it through, a couple of more weeks, or just bow out. I think that we are worried that we're giving a bad message by saying OK to bowing out, but on the other hand, she is SO clear that this activity is just not where she's at right now. Are we worrying needlessly about the message we would send? In my heart I want to just say--we didn't listen well enough, you know yourself and if this isn't working for you we respect that. She doesn't want to finish out the season, so asking to follow through for the remainder and then quit has already been tried. Any wisdom?

[Alkenny]

Originally Posted by karne

--we didn't listen well enough, you know yourself and if this isn't working for you we respect that.

I think you just answered yourself. I am all for making my kids finish out commitments that THEY chose, but if it's something she wasn't really on board for from the beginning, then I think you should let her bow out and tell her exactly that. Sometimes 'good parenting' is admitting we were wrong.

[kathymuggle]

double post

[kathymuggle]

....and sometimes we sign up for things we think are going to be fun, but aren't. Then we discontinue going. It is a-OK to try something, decide it is not for you, and move on....

The only exception I can see might be sports or a play. If this is the case I would talk to her and the coach about the ramifications of her quitting. Is there back-up? I still might let ("let' is a tricky word - after a certain age, it may very well be her decision) her quit, even if there is no back-up if she really hates it, but that would be a harder decision.

[MillingNome]

Originally Posted by Alkenny

I think you just answered yourself. I am all for making my kids finish out commitments that THEY chose, but if it's something she wasn't really on board for from the beginning, then I think you should let her bow out and tell her exactly that. Sometimes 'good parenting' is admitting we were wrong.

:

btdt- dd made it through four afterschool activities couple springs ago. She was in karate, dance, softball and in a play. Just about killed us both. She chose to do the first three and I "nudged" her towards the play. Not sure wth I was thinking. If she had wanted to, I would have let her drop the play even with no back up.

Sometimes it comes down to maintaining one's sanity. At that point, something's gotta give.

[karne]

Hey everyone. Thanks so much. I brought DD home after school today, and we talked about the whole situation. I have to say that beyond even allowing her to drop out the activity, the benefit of communicating openly and honestly about this has been huge. Respect is a two way street, and today I feel that I gave my child something valuable in listening to and responding to her concerns. And it feels ok to be wrong about something, but be able to help make it OK. Frankly, it was a huge relief to just come home, do homework and play. We really do have enough going on.

[Ruthla]

So you're letting her drop the activity she's not enjoying? I'm glad to hear it.

[karne]

Well, a day later, and we're comfortable with our decision, but I am receiving interesting feedback from some parent friends. Some are honestly telling me that they too feel they have made decisions for their kids that result in overscheduled and not enjoyable experiences. Others are critical--we should see the whole experience through to the end, even though we would be literally forcing our child to do something she is opposed to.

[MillingNome]

I don't get the advocating making someone do something they don't want to that is option. What's the point? What lessons does that teach?

[Emzachsmama]

I'm glad you let her drop that activity. If it had been one of the ones SHE chose I would have been leaning more toward making her stick it out because I think it is important to help them learn to keep their commitments but since she didn't really want to do this activity and it wasn't her choice then I think it was ok to quit. Good for you for realizing that you may have made a mistake and doing something to fix it.

[pigpokey]

I don't understand not quitting a class that is not enjoyable, it's HOW you quit. If it affects someone else, you teach about proper notice and timing, helping fill your place, etc. If it's something like a play and there's no reasonable time for someone else to come in, you suck it up for a few more weeks if at all possible.

But I get the feeling a lot of parents want a child to continue in something until the end of the session, season, or academic year because it's been paid for, instrument or equipment purchased, etc. and the commitment is really to the parent. I think it's reasonable to tell a child that if they make quitting a pattern then parent is not going to bankroll future startups in the same way.

Or, there's a social component to it, and it's seen as popularity-risking move to quit an activity. Which is probably true.