Grr... your punishment just crushed MY kid! - Page 2

[paquerette]

In response to the question "how can they stop the running away in situations like this" I would look at how they're reacting when they do finally catch him; or how they're reacting in situations where he's done something wrong and he doesn't try to run away, when they find out. If he knows that the parents are going to react in some horrible way (even a big screaming/chewing out fest) then I think that would be a big clue why he runs away when he knows he's done something wrong.

Maybe part of the issue is that he needs a bit more freedom? I do not think he should be able to leave the house without telling anyone, but if the neighbors aren't sketchy and he's an otherwise bright and sensible kid, maybe things should be loosened up so he can go over there by himself. My mom didn't tail me around the neighborhood when I was 6. Come to think of it, I would go out to play in the yard and sometimes go to a neighbor's house without letting her know. If she wanted me she went outside and hollered, and if I didn't answer she'd call their houses. I knew to be home by dinner or dark, not to go beyond a certain point, and not to mess around in people's yards unless there were kids there and they invited me.

[karne]

We don't decide on consequences in our house based on what will be convenient or agreeable to other people. We don't generally do "punishment" here, because I agree, it severs a connection sometimes between us and our kids. However, leaving the house and running away is very serious, and the consequence seems appropriate, and I'll bet, made an impression. A pp suggested locks, or some other thing to keep the child in the house, but honestly, my first step would not be that. It seems quite extreme. I think the mom was correct in keeping her child home.

[onlyAngil]

I only have a two year old...

But I love your idea of what when a child runs away.

Any ideas about my two year old and going out? I am at the point were I feel I cant take him out, becuse he runs off when its time to go, or at lest tosses the bigges fit I have ever seen.

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My child wouldn't be going anywhere if he had been running away from me at home.

But, Mom should have called you on Friday night to warn you ahead of time. Perhaps they weren't sure they were going to actually follow through with it, but maybe the boy was still being impossible.

I agree with what they did, but not with not telling you in advance.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by Needle in the Hay

You seriously chased him for 30 minutes?

yes, while he laughed at me, dodged inbetween other people's houses and behind them...all along a boat canal. I think my feelings after being disrespected like that ARE very natural...AND my natural feelings are valid. When he asked to go to that friends house next time, I didn't feel like dealing with that crap again, so I said "no"....I don't want to chase you. We'll try again another time.

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Originally Posted by moondiapers

yes, while he laughed at me, dodged inbetween other people's houses and behind them...all along a boat canal. I think my feelings after being disrespected like that ARE very natural...AND my natural feelings are valid. When he asked to go to that friends house next time, I didn't feel like dealing with that crap again, so I said "no"....I don't want to chase you. We'll try again another time.

LMAO! I wish I was that nice. I think I would have hissed something very mean and innapropriate. I'm fairly sure my head would have been spinning too.

[philomom]

Yes, she did the right thing. Sorry your son got the fallout.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by TortelliniMama

So, it was thoughtful of the mom to not disappoint the OP, but it's okay that she disappointed the OP's son? I'm really surprised at how unimportant the OP's ds is seen in this scenario. For a child, this is equivalent to his best man not showing up at his wedding.

I'm also going to guess that if the party in question had been for the other child's grandmother, he would have gotten to go, even if he would have enjoyed spending time with his cousins or whatever, because the disappointment of his grandmother (an adult) would have been seen as outweighing the "need" for this particular punishment.

Well if your bestman runs from the police ..... he will likely miss your wedding as well.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by TortelliniMama

So, it was thoughtful of the mom to not disappoint the OP, but it's okay that she disappointed the OP's son? I'm really surprised at how unimportant the OP's ds is seen in this scenario. For a child, this is equivalent to his best man not showing up at his wedding.
.

I don't feel that the mom disapointed the OP's son. Her son proved untrustworthy out of the house....so he disapointed his friend all on his own.

[One_Girl]

It sounds like they reacted just fine. A six year old running in the other direction and disappearing twice for over an hour is a big deal to most families even if they do practice gentle discipline, it is called gentle discipline not no discipline and there are a lot of terrible things that can happen to kids on their own especially at this age. It sucks that they didn't tell you about it ahead of time but since he has shown that he is not trustworthy out of the house he should not be allowed out of the house. There is no way I would leave the house with my dd at five if she had a habit of running off and disappearing and I can't imagine changing my opinion about that once she is six.

[bluebirdmama]

If the punishment was going to be missing the party then he should have been the one to call on Friday and explain to his friend why he wouldn't be at the party the next day. He should have had first hand experience of his friend's disappointment rather than getting the message from mom later.

The underlying message in this scenario is that your actions effect other people: parents worry about you when you run away, your friends are disappointed when you end up missing their parties because you aren't following basic safety rules. This boy needs to really see the consequence of his running away, not just the punishment. This is about safety and respect and about being a considerate person. Ds needs to see how his behavior is inconsiderate to people who care about him.

The only problem is that the punishment for his inconsiderate behavior (running from mom) is more inconsiderate behavior (hurting his friend) which doesn't make a lot of sense. I agree that having restrictions placed on privileges following a display of irresponsibility makes sense, but really, one should try to find a way to do that without punishing/hurting other uninvolved kids.

[chfriend]

We don't do punishments...and fortunately haven't run into this sort of thing in our friends either. I'm really sorry it screwed up your son's party. I'd have been hurt at not being able to get my kid ready for it as well.

Of course, my suggestion at the went to the other house and ran away would be to sit down with my kid, explain how upsetting this was and find out what was going on with her when it happened.

But then, I believe a kid that is behaving in difficult ways is trying to explain something to difficult for them to put into words.

Also, I don't think of celebrating with friends as a privilege. I think of it as one of life's great joys. I always find that construction the privilege of "....." a little odd.

[savithny]

Originally Posted by Delta

I avoid consequences that end up hurting other kids or inconveniencing other parents for this exact reason. I really hate it when I'm canceled on for playdates and the like because the other kid is in trouble. After all, I've usually arranged my schedule to accomodate, told my child and he's looking forward to it, etc. I understand if the other kid is sick or what have you, of course those things can't be helped. But I know I'd feel pretty inconsiderate if I canceled plans or commitments because my child misbehaved.

Natural consequences sometimes affect others - and that is the natural consequence!!!

If my son invites a friend over to play with a new toy, and then breaks that toy before the friend gets to see it -- that will deeply disappoint the friend!

Should I go out and buy a new one because the friend will be sad? My DS has tried to take that tactic -- "I promised Bobby I would bring my new car! I can't go without the car! We have to get a new one!" Nope. Bobby will suffer the disappointment, and you'll remember not to drive any future cars off the top of your bunk bed.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

What can I give the parents to read to help them? They are well meaning, but not terribly effective at discipline. (Too harsh on some little things like snacks, and a bit oblivious to other things until they've become a BIG problem (ignoring chasing the cat until he's cornered her and she feels threatened). I know they've tried "Love & Logic" (they were our introduction to the program, which my dh declared "needs a lot more love and less logic"!) But as dh describes it, their basic instincts are just plain off much of the time. (Things escalate to a power struggle a lot.)

This is really not appropriate. It is not your job to help them be better parents. If she asks for help/advice that is one thing, but to just volunteer it is off base.

It was rude that she didn't let you know the change in plans in a timely fashion but it does sound like she had a lot on her mind.

[LaughingHyena]

OP yes it really bugs me too when people stop their child going to something as a punishment. In my case I ran a children's group (think scout type set up with weekly meetings). When we were doing group work or projects over a couple of weeks it made a lot more work for me.

I'm surprised to hear so many people feel that keeping a child form an already made commitment is the right thing to do.

[Leilalu]

Originally Posted by chfriend

We don't do punishments...and fortunately haven't run into this sort of thing in our friends either. I'm really sorry it screwed up your son's party. I'd have been hurt at not being able to get my kid ready for it as well.

Of course, my suggestion at the went to the other house and ran away would be to sit down with my kid, explain how upsetting this was and find out what was going on with her when it happened.

But then, I believe a kid that is behaving in difficult ways is trying to explain something to difficult for them to put into words.

Also, I don't think of celebrating with friends as a privilege. I think of it as one of life's great joys. I always find that construction the privilege of "....." a little odd.

yet, after a child runs away, it is not always a good 'teaching moment" The parent may have to calm down, the kid will, and everybody will most likely be upset. The kid won't like being caught, and you most likely won't like having to run after them.

I believe that kids act defiantly for lots of reasons. Not nessecarily to try to explain deep feelings. It might just be fun. It's fun to disobey sometimes. To test limits. To see if your parents will notice enough to come get you maybe?

[Collinsky]

Originally Posted by kungfu_barbi

i am absolutely fascinated by the initial replies on this thread and the (almost) consensus that the punishment described makes any sense at all. i had to double check to make sure i hadn't accidently logged onto a mainstream parenting board!

: I'm not into punishments like this either.

[faerierose]

Originally Posted by chfriend

We don't do punishments...and fortunately haven't run into this sort of thing in our friends either. I'm really sorry it screwed up your son's party. I'd have been hurt at not being able to get my kid ready for it as well.

Of course, my suggestion at the went to the other house and ran away would be to sit down with my kid, explain how upsetting this was and find out what was going on with her when it happened.

But then, I believe a kid that is behaving in difficult ways is trying to explain something to difficult for them to put into words.

Also, I don't think of celebrating with friends as a privilege. I think of it as one of life's great joys. I always find that construction the privilege of "....." a little odd.

ITA To me a natural consequence happens naturally. If ds1 leaves his toys out and ds3 brakes them that's a natural consequence, if ds1 leaves his toys out and I take them away because I told him not to that is a parent imposed consequence.
Regardless of what we think of the punishment, it would have been nice for the op to get some warning in order to prepare her ds.

[OneBlessedMommy]

IMO I think the child should have been able to go, to me birthdays are a celebration of life, and if it is his best friends life then he should have gone. A child behaves a certain way for a reason, and I think our jobs as parents are to find out why they are behaving that way. If a kid is running away from their home which is sposed to be a place of love and comfort, not a place the child wants to run from then somthing needs to be changed.

[mrsfatty]

I'm so confused!

To me (newbie):
punishment would have been something like no phone for a week or no tv for a week or no new toys for x amount of time (loss of privilege unrelated to the "crime")
natural consequences would be no going out of the house if he is not trustworthy to stay with mom and dad (which unfortunately, means no attending friends' birthday parties)
gentle discipline would be explaining how the behavior affects you, trying to problem solve together a system that works for both the child and parent (cooperation), give a choice, etc.

Why is this punishment?