Oh yeah I have that too. With my DD it was really, really bad. This pregnancy I have hAD a few bad patches of anxiety (well post first trimester when I was just worried all the time), but I have felt better overall. My big fear is stillbirth. I've done some work with it and I think this is what it's about:
- Well, it's actually possible. Although I don't focus on other negativities that are possible re: my DD or myself overmuch. So that tells me something else is going on
- It's very difficult to imagine a whole other being is on their way and will soon be part of my family, like this week or next, for the rest of my life.
- It is hard to realize I am so lucky, yes, as to have another child. Like, wow, man.
- I have neurosis that my body doesn't 'work' properly... I think really baggage I carry just from being a woman in this culture, yk. With DD it was connected to my mother's supposed inability physically to birth (which if you dig a little was just medical culture BS), and also to old stuff about being a lesbian growing up and feeling there was something not quite right about me without having words for it... that stuff still shows up for me this much later.
What I remind myself to calm myself down when I feel anxious:
- I remember that I am neurotic about my body 'working' and that the fear is connected to that. I remember that I can't imagine how dramatically my life is about to change, and how soon and how permanently, and that the fear is also connected to that.
- I remind myself to stop thinking about the stuff I read on the internet and focus on my own small world, my baby, my life, my body. And underneath the generalized neurosis, I actually really trust my body, I know it and how it works, what it does and what it doesnt do, etc. and I know it can do this baby thing.
- I remember millions of women do this pregnancy thing all the time, many are a lot less fussed about it than I am. I look around at all the people everywhere and remember that this is how they ALL got here.
- I think about this baby's conception story and I think wow, I really feel s/he is meant to be here with me, coz that's damn lucky. My DD's conception story was lucky too. Whatever ride I am taking with this little one, I feel I am meant to take it with him/her, and s/he with me.
Anyway, that's where I am at with fears right now...
) But I am one of those who gets VERY nervous during pregnancy! My sister lost her first baby at 39w5d - and they have no idea why... So, in our family, we are SO nervous until they are out, safe and sound in our arms! Also, I've had issues with VERY low fluid this pregnancy, so everytime she isn't moving, I start to freak out!!!
I don't know. All in my crazy mind I guess!
