creating a peaceful dinner table with a toddler

[theMword]

We're having a hard time with our 21 month old at dinner. She is an extremely energetic child and we do not expect her to be able to sit through a long meal quietly and eat tidily. But lately she gets very rambunctious during meal time, screeches, throws food, and then usually demands to nurse. If I let her nurse, she is generally so squirmy that it is hard for me to eat, so we are promoting the idea that dinner time is not nursing time and she can nurse after dinner is over--again, we are talking a simple family dinner, not a four-course meal. We want dinner time to be peaceful and restorative for all of us. I feel like getting to that will take breaking down our expectations into, uh, small bite-sized chunks and I'd appreciate advice for working in that direction.

[scoutycat]

She sounds either tired or not hungry. Or maybe both. does she snack much in the afternoon?

[yoginisarah]

My 19 month old can also be a little bear at mealtimes. Basically, I try to make it informal. We all start at the table but after around 7 minutes he wants to get down. So, I let him. And he'll often come back again and again for more food, which is fine. Often he'll even ask to get back in his chair. I just don't feel like pushing the issue at this point so I let him get down and run around and eat at his own pace.
With the throwing food we always just remind him to give the food to mama or put it on his plate if he doesn't want it. Also, we don't give him very much on his tray at one time. If it's gonna be a messy meal, we feed him in the kitchen (there's carpet under our dining room table) or now that the weather is nicer, we eat outside.
I usually work in the evenings but sometimes my husband and I will eat a little something with Oliver and then eat together once he's in bed (he goes to bed by 730). Those nights are more restorative because we can focus on each other and the meal instead of just keeping the little one happy.
I dunno, not much advice except to follow her lead. She's trying to tell you something with those behavoirs.
Oh, you might also try some music during the meal.

[LaughingHyena]

DD likes having a candle on the table to watch.

Our problem was more getting her to the table though, and she likes coming to see the candle get lit so we went with it.

ETA I also try to make sure there is something ready for DD to do when shes finished eating so she will let us carry on. I don't mean planning some big activity for her, just making sure there is some floor space to play, gather the blocks back in the basket so they are appealing again type of things.

[woodchick]

Do you have any dinner time rituals? We always hold hands and have a quick blessing before we eat. DD (23mos) climbs up into her chair and puts her hands out, waiting for us to catch up Those moments force us all to slow down and center ourselves. DD seems more willing to sit and eat afterwards.

[angela&avery]

I always let dd get down when she was "done" but I focused my attention on my meal and the dinner table. If she was still hungry she would always come back to sit and eat because if she was seeking attention, she wasnt getting any...lol.....

[theMword]

Thanks for the ideas and encouragement. I honestly don't think she is overly tired or too full at dinner. We eat about 2 hours before bedtime, and she doesn't snack much. She is a very light eater still, but sometimes will surprise us with enthusiastic eating.
We don't have an opening ritual--we will try that. Last night we let her stand on a step stool at the table rather than sitting in a chair, and it worked pretty well. I'm not sure if it was the novelty or if she just might not like sitting for meals
Keep the ideas coming.

[cahwilson]

My almost 21 month old dd does the same exact thing! No ideas but here but I will be watching this one.

[Collinsky]

Originally Posted by theMword

We're having a hard time with our 21 month old at dinner. She is an extremely energetic child and we do not expect her to be able to sit through a long meal quietly and eat tidily. But lately she gets very rambunctious during meal time, screeches, throws food, and then usually demands to nurse. If I let her nurse, she is generally so squirmy that it is hard for me to eat, so we are promoting the idea that dinner time is not nursing time and she can nurse after dinner is over--again, we are talking a simple family dinner, not a four-course meal. We want dinner time to be peaceful and restorative for all of us. I feel like getting to that will take breaking down our expectations into, uh, small bite-sized chunks and I'd appreciate advice for working in that direction.

Can you nurse her before dinner? I know I'd find that quite difficult, as trying to get dinner on the table is a pretty hectic time for me, but perhaps you could find a way to work that in, plan for that...

Can she just go play while you finish dinner? My 5 and 3 yo love having dinner with us, and wouldn't miss it for the world, even though they have never had to. My 23 month old likes it, but only for a short time, and then he goes and plays.

If she's needing to play with her food, can you make that possible? We have a plastic mat that is supposed to be used under an easel or for other art projects - we've often used it for messy things like food play. Food is squishy and splashy... hard for a toddler to resist.

I do remember that my oldest, when she was around 18-24 mos, liked to stand on a stool to eat, rather than sit. So you might be on to something there!

[mamazee]

I'm trying to remember when my daughter (also very energetic) would sit and eat dinner with us. I know she was older than that. We would just let her get down from the table and do her thing, and come back to eat more when she wanted. Now, she LOVES for us all to sit around a table for dinner, and really gets into helping cook and set the table even, she's so into it. Dinner is very important to her at this point. That's just meant as reassurance that just because your daughter isn't able to relax with you at dinner now doesn't mean she'll never get there.

I think at 21 months asking her to wait until after dinner to nurse is very reasonable. Maybe nurse her just before hand, and give her some water to drink. It might be something to just be patient with for a little while. She'll probably figure out that she can nurse before or after dinner but not during pretty quickly.

[shanna-cat]

we found that rituals or routines REALLY helped us at meal time. my ds1 is a little older (almost 3) but we started having him stand on a chair and watch as I or my husband make dinner, he gets to help come up with ideas for dinner (sometimes gets to pick out dinner all together) and helps set the table. we also use the candle, he gets to hold it while I light it, it sits in the middle of the table and we blow it out after we are done. having a set plan helps create a meal time where ds1 knows what to expect and he is usually eager to be involved. but then again all days are hit and miss!- the 'hits' are just becoming more frequent now.

[theMword]

Maybe we'll try the candle thing. For two nights now, dinner has gone better letting her stand on the step stool rather than sitting, so that's exciting.
We are not a religious family so we don't say grace, but does anyone have a fun little dinner time song they could recommend? I think she'd really enjoy singing a song together at the beginning of the meal.

[shanna-cat]

check out the book '7 times the sun' (i think the authors name is Shea Darien)
- it is full on routines and lots of non-religious type sayings. we used it to help add simple music and routines to our daily life.