Creative GD response to "Why?"

[mamabella]

My 3.4 yr old ds has gotten in the habit of saying "Why?" to every single request I make of him. At first I tried to shrug it off as curiosity but now - my preggo hormones are getting involved - and I find myself totally fed up and yelling silly things like "because mama told you so!!!" at the end of the day - and of course as I yell, my belly tightens and my baby kicks me like crazy and I feel totally guilty for subjecting both of them to my hormones...

Anyways, any creative responses out there? At first this was my ds's way to try to get out of doing something - kinda like a stall tactic to delay doing something he didn't want to do or avoid a limit I set - like when I would ask him to clean up his toys or not turn off and on every light switch he passes in the house or not open and close the refrigerator all day - but now he says it every time I speak to him about anything - it could be "your dinner's ready, please come to the table" and he WHINES "WHY?" - ARRRGGGHH - Okay its the end of the day sorry....I just need some inspiration to get through this. Any ideas?

[l_olive]

Oh, this was my ds. Thankfully, at 5, he doesn't do it so much anymore.

What was my answer? Fried pickle sandwiches.

Whenever I sensed that he was genuinely asking a real question out of real curiosity, I always tried to answer to the best of my ability. But sometimes, you can just tell that it's a stalling tactic, or just nonsensical. Then, the answer was "Fried pickle sandwiches." It made him giggle, and made me a little less likely to yell something less than helpful.

This stage will pass, just like all the others, I promise!

[hollytheteacher]

Originally Posted by mamabella

My 3.4 yr old ds has gotten in the habit of saying "Why?" to every single request I make of him. At first I tried to shrug it off as curiosity but now - my preggo hormones are getting involved - and I find myself totally fed up and yelling silly things like "because mama told you so!!!" at the end of the day - and of course as I yell, my belly tightens and my baby kicks me like crazy and I feel totally guilty for subjecting both of them to my hormones...

Anyways, any creative responses out there? At first this was my ds's way to try to get out of doing something - kinda like a stall tactic to delay doing something he didn't want to do or avoid a limit I set - like when I would ask him to clean up his toys or not turn off and on every light switch he passes in the house or not open and close the refrigerator all day - but now he says it every time I speak to him about anything - it could be "your dinner's ready, please come to the table" and he WHINES "WHY?" - ARRRGGGHH - Okay its the end of the day sorry....I just need some inspiration to get through this. Any ideas?

Sometimes one of the preschool teachers at the center i teach at says, "because of it's molecular structure" and the kids usually just say "oh..." and walk away. IT's kind of cute/funny

[scoutycat]

I use a few different tactics- reply "why not?" if I just want to shut her down, say that I don't understand the question & ask her what she's asking why about if I think she's got something, or make something up if I think she's looking for attention or knows the answer and is being lazy. Like, 'where's daddy?' -at work -why? because the poopletoofs need him. The giggle she gets from this gives us the little connection she needs, and often she is able to voice what she wants more appropriately. And if she knows, she tells me the right answer.

[Cujobunny]

I always answer as best I can but if it's going on too long or if it really is a pointless question (to me) I say "Why do you think?" He always has an answer

[scoutycat]

Good one! I forgot, I also use " I don't know" pretty judiciously, and sometimes follow up with "why don't you ask (name of someone who might know/librarian) next time we see them?"

[Breeder]

I say "I wonder.." and he's generally satisfied with that (although at five he's out grown this alot so just hang in there) if he's not satisified I ask, "Why do you think?" and he'll come up with some crazy answer usually.

[CalaRei]

Thank heaven you brought this up.

DH and I don't have kids yet, but watched this scenario play out at the grocery store the other day with about a 6 or 7 year old.

Dad: tie your shoes
Girl: (no response)
Dad: Tie your shoes!
Girl: Why?

So this is our current debate about how we'd handle that. We've asked a lot of people.

On one hand, you can't explain WHY for everything, but on the otherhand, a kid can't learn to trust you if you don't provide logical reasons sometimes. I just assume that eventually a kid will get understand when a request/order is of dire need ("Stop running, a car is coming!" vs "Stop clicking that pen!")

My mom said she'd just let it go because you've got to "pick your battles."
My dad says he'd let it go and then crack the kid when he got out to the car.

I think I'd say "because you'll trip" and then let it go at that if she didn't.

I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of, "because I said so," or the other ideas that kids should just obey on first command because a parent demanded it.

All in all, though, I'm glad we have these conversations before kids come.

[One Art]

My dd1 did that for awhile, stopped, and has been doing it again (she'll be 5 in Aug.). I tried the "why do you think?" and it worked for a long time, on her first "why?" kick, but now? She says "you tell me! What's your guess?" So "I don't know" goes out the window too. If I even try it, she still insists that I try my "best guess." I will try the silly answers and really really hope it works!!!

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by CalaRei

Thank heaven you brought this up.

DH and I don't have kids yet, but watched this scenario play out at the grocery store the other day with about a 6 or 7 year old.

Dad: tie your shoes
Girl: (no response)
Dad: Tie your shoes!
Girl: Why?

So this is our current debate about how we'd handle that. We've asked a lot of people.

On one hand, you can't explain WHY for everything, but on the otherhand, a kid can't learn to trust you if you don't provide logical reasons sometimes.

I totally disagree. You can and should explain WHY for everything. A child should know the reasons behind everything he or she is asked to do. I also think the dad in your example was being disrespectful. I wouldn't tell my DS "Tie your shoes!" I would say "Oh look, your shoes are untied. We can stop at that bench over there." and if necessary I'd add "It would be awful if you tripped while crossing the busy parking lot."

We did have a similar conversation just the other day except it was a road instead of a parking lot. And DS did ask why even though he already knew he could trip on his shoelaces so that's why I didn't say "so you don't trip" but mentioned the road we were about to cross. He understood how falling in the road could be very bad news.

Like your mom I wouldn't get into a battle over it. Worst case scenario he trips and I help him up. Lesson learned. (Because of course I would be extra careful crossing the road so if he did fall he wouldn't risk getting run over!)

Also based on your dad's response I really hope you won't be going to him for parenting advice. (I wouldn't go to my dad for parenting advice either!)

[Llyra]

Sometimes, when she's asking curious questions, I'm a big one for answering, "I'm not sure. Why do you think?" and it's amazing because she always has her own personal theory.

Sometimes, if she's doing it to challenge something I've asked her to do, I might reply something like, "Because mama's having a hard day and it would make me feel better if you could help me." I'm finding that as she gets older, she can very often respond positively to that kind of statement.

But I am not above the occasional "because the sky is blue" or "because elephants never forget" or even once in awhile, "because that's what I need you to do right now" or even the dreaded, "because I said so." I try not to resort to those unless I have to, but with three little ones my patience is not infinite, and I don't think it hurts her to find that out. It's better than losing it entirely and snapping or yelling, when my nerves are worn thin.

[CalaRei]

Originally Posted by Needle in the Hay

Also based on your dad's response I really hope you won't be going to him for parenting advice. (I wouldn't go to my dad for parenting advice either!)

Well, that's another story entirely, but you're right! (Ask me about the time I threw up in the doorway of my bedroom because I absolutely wasn't allowed to leave my room for any reason.)

But thank you, your response totally reaffirms my stance, and I like the twist of not phrasing it as an order, but instead as an observation and a "direction." The "we can stop at that bench over there," makes it much more like something that just has to be done, and you're offering a solution - definitely less confrontational in the first place.

[mamabella]

Wow - you mamas have made my day! I am giggling and relieved that I am not the only one - I think I sensed deep down that something silly might work here since "What do you think?" has been historically met with explosive tantrums - but l_olive - Fried Pickle Sandwiches!!! That's great!!!

And the peopletoofs got me too scoutycat - he asks me why daddy is at work all the time - and the need for connection is something I had not considered and certainly applies to our situation with a very tired and grumpy pregnant mama....

And I like the idea of making observations instead of criticizing whatever is "incorrect"

Once again it is nice to hear from so many of you that this will pass and that a little silliness can help....

[hubris]

My WHY strategies:

1. Give reasonable answer, as best I can.
1a. If no reasonable answer exists, reconsider what I said in the first place.

2. If my answer is insufficient for the kid, do one of the following:
2a. "I'm not sure I know, let's look it up" - and then we either plan to look it up later or go google it right away. (Good for "why is the sky blue?" kinds of questions)
2b. "You really like to know WHY" or "you wish I had another reason" or "you don't agree with that reason" - which usually results in the child agreeing that this is true, feeling validated, and us moving on. (good for "why do we have to go to the grocery store?" kinds of questions)

[mrsfatty]

Why do you think?
Who do you think knows the answer to that question? A librarian? A mechanic? A chef? A doctor?
Where should WE look the answer up?
Acknowledgment that they may not want to do something, but it's necessary (and ask them why it's necessary).
(Answer the question only if they can't come up with it on their own)

[thismama]

If I have energy to answer, I answer. If not, I say so. Like in your DS case, my DD was doing that for awhile too, and I would say something like, "Dude I do not have energy for a long explanation for every single request, every time. For now just do it, and we will talk about it later." Something like that. I would give the why at least once for everything you regularly ask of them, so they do actually know. And then I would say (do say actually), "Babe, just freaking do it."