3 year old ALWAYS hurting me

[the2amigos]

My 3 year old guy is generally pretty mild mannered. Well, the last two months or so have been awful. I was hoping it was a phase that would pass quickly, but not so far. He has gone through the 15 month old hitting phase and we would tell him "gentle touch", etc and model that and then he was fine for a long time.

Now he is intent on hurting me. Hitting, kicking, hitting me with objects, cracking my head open by head banging me. And it really hurts now! We can be playing, anything really, and all of a sudden he just clobbers me. I've been telling him "Hitting hurts, I won't let you do that to me" and walking away - usually just across the room....and he comes after me! He isn't the most verbal kid and I usually can pick up on if he is done with an activity, or hungry, tired, whatever. I am not finding any correlation with the behavior to what is happening. I'm beginning to think it is his days work to try to injury me as many times as possible. And it's not always when we are playing, it can be when I'm in another room, he'll find me and whack me. He is somewhat the same with DH. But he does not try to hurt anyone else. He is fine with my sister, all of his grandparents, the neighbor girl, etc.

Disgustingly I have hit him once in the past week in an immature eruption of my anger back at him. And yesterday when he head banged me on the back of the head (I didn't see it coming) I screamed at him and pushed/lowered him onto the floor and was screaming at him to just stop it already. He, of course, is very sensitive to ANY feedback or backlash and cried like I had tried to kill him, which makes me feel like an a$$.

I can't start down the road of hitting and screaming. That's not who I want to be. Though when he really hurts me I think in my mind "you little bugger, you want to know what it's like to hit to hurt, I'm bigger than you"

I've beaten myself you about hitting him back, so I don't need any help in that department. What the heck else can I do? Telling him gentle touch is not working anymore. He's not the most verbal kid in the world so he can't tell me what he's thinking very well. Telling him I can't let him hurt me and walking away helps occasionally, but other times he chases me. A lot of the time I have to physically stop him from hitting me by grabbing his arms, which just ticks him off even more.

I just don't know what to do anymore and never thought I'd be getting injured by a barely over 3 year old.

[the2amigos]

I just screamed at him to "just stop it already! What's your problem?"

Really need some other method here......

[PrayinFor12]

I admit I'm throwing this out there with no child-raising experience, but is it possible that he's getting hit somewhere?

[LucyRev]

You said a couple times that he's "not the most verbal kid". If he's lacking the verbal skills to communicate what he needs and wants, that can absolutely manifest itself in hitting. Maybe he needs some help in that area?

s about screaming and hitting back. Try not to beat yourself up too much. I know when my kids hurt me, it triggers a hit back response that I really have to be conscious of.

Can you give him something he is allowed to hit? Break up styrofoam blocks outside, or pummel a pillow or a punching bag or something? Kick an empty trashcan or something that will give him a loud, crunchy satisfying response...but that isn't coming from hurting you?

[amma-la]

NAKing - excuse typos


read and couldnt not reply though i'm not sure i can be much help.
my little guy is not as old as yours and hasn't really gone thrugh this yet, but i have read some similar things from MDC and it seems hitting and acting agressive is just more dominant in some personalities than others. especially since your son is not very verbal he might just ot know how to express what is going on - like you mentioned yourself.

it would be an easy answer to say, you need to spend lots of one on one time with him and give him lots of attention, but i don't think that's all of it. and it sounds like you DO spend plenty of time with him. what kinds of activities does he enjoy? could he just be seeking rough and tumble play? does his dad wrestle with him? is he active? does he go run and play outside and climb trees? maybe he just has lots of pent-up energy he needs to releive and he knows you're "safe" to take it out on (cause of course you're his mama and will always love him).

i wish i could help more. if i think of anything else i'll add it.

best of luck to you!
more

[prothyraia]

I would try to remove myself when my son would hurt me, and he'd just follow.

My husband (who has worked with children with really severe behavioral problems) encouraged me keep removing myself whenever our son would hit/bite/scratch/pinch/headbutt/etc, and to go somewhere where he *couldn't* follow me. We have one room gated off, and I'll go step in there for a less than a minute, or go in the bathroom and close the door.

I try very hard to let the only reaction he gets from me for that behavior be my absence, which has really reduced the amount of bruises and welts I'm carrying around . And of course, leaving as soon as my son starts in on me keeps *me* from losing it. Those self-defense/fighting back instincts are hard to overcome sometimes, as ridiculous as it is to strike back at a toddler.

[the2amigos]

We have a meeting set up with the school district to have him evaluated for speech stuff to see if that will help. I know he's lagging some, but I'm not sure enough for formal speech, we'll see.

He is either with me, my DH or my parents. None of whom hit him (other than my bad momma moment). So I don't think he is getting this from anywhere.

I am struggling to keep up with him some days. He doesn't nap most days so I'm with him for about 13 hours a day....and I need down time sometimes, which he doesn't like. I'm lucky if I get 5 minutes of computer/reading time during the day when he is awake. And I know that isn't helping. DH does take over when he gets home. But by then it's supper/bath/bed and I haven't had any time alone!

Thanks for the support! Will schedule more wrestling time with him!

[want2bmoms]

Personally, I would get a good strong baby gate (the kind that you intall with screws, not tension mount) and put it up high enough that he can't get over it, but low enough that he can't get under, then install it across the entrance to a room that he cannot hurt himself in. When he hurt me, I would stick his little rear in there, saying, "You HURT me. I don't like it. You stay in here for X minutes and then we will talk." after that, take him out just saying "gentle, nice hands, be easy, etc... and I love you."
That way you are taking in what he can process (small short words) and telling him the "bad" stuff about why he is being separated from you - BTW, my logic is he hurt you, he should be limited in where he can go, not you - and when he is "freed" you tell him the "good" stuff that will keep him out.
He knows the problem, no reason to reinforce the badness, you already told him, and you are just gently reminding of the goodness you want to see.


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Also, I am a FIRM believer in quiet time for any age. It's ok to have some kid safe books/quiet toys for his room and tell him gently, ok! time for a little peace and quiet! and let him go in his room and you go in your area, and every one have x minutes of quiet (I would start at three and work up an additional minute every/other day to 15-60 minutes of "quiet time" daily)


__________________________________________________ _______________
From my own DP, she says that it sounds like you may need to have him evaluated for Autism. (She knows a lot about this stuff, has worked with autistic kids, etc) That the hitting and physical abuse coupled with the verbal lag are red flags.
She also says when you see him coming, "tackle him" gently from behind, grab both hands and cross over his chest with his back to you and hold him in a full body hug (no, really, a HUG like you want to hold hiim and love on him) so that he can't hurt you (YES THIS WILL P!$$ HIM OFF) but keep ahold of him until he settles down "because you can't stop hurting me, I'm going to help you stop hurting me" and other gentle, loving phrases. Until he is calmed down.

[the2amigos]

I've hit him 3 times in the past 8 days. Things are not well. He HURTS me with his hitting, kicking, etc. This morning he had a poopy diaper, oozing out the leg and he is violently kicking me and hitting me to not change it. Tried taking him to the shower thinking we could shower him off, he hates baths/showers now too (which is new the past 3 weeks). He kicked me in the jaw (I have horrible TMJ) and I smacked him leaving a red mark. And I'm pissed. I've been trying the last week to make myself more available (I'm here just about 24/7 as it is) and playing rough and tumble with him....sometimes I think it helps, but then if he really does not want to do something non-negotiable, like having poop leaking all over the house, he is MEAN.

I've never liked time-outs and have had time-ins with him, we sit on the recliner in the living room. But when he is this out of control he will use any means possible to hurt me and I can't hold onto him enough so he can't as he is so big. Maybe a time out somewhere would work, like in his room with a gate or something with me close by, but that he couldn't come after me.

I just don't know what to do, other than I never, EVER thought I would resort to hitting my baby. And I don't know what to do to stop as it is often the ONLY thing that will make him stop hurting me. I feel sick Eval with school about his speech is this Friday, but he won't start that until fall. Oy.

[chfriend]

2amigos...think of it this way...wouldn't it be better to have poop all over the house than hit him and force him into a shower against his will?

And it likely wouldn't come to that if you use your words rather than your hands.

He's not mean, he's three and struggling to communicate with someone he loves. Keep yourself from getting hurt first, then deal with the poop.

Things really will calm down if you don't escalate them.

ETA: Good reads: the out of sync child, the out of sync child has fun, playful parenting....lifesavers!

[the2amigos]

I do know that he's not really mean, but dang it seems that way sometimes! I have used words ad nauseum and they aren't working! Likely he does have some verbal communication issues and I almost wonder if he couldn't be HFA or have a few of those tendencies.

So if words don't work, even if I am calm and understanding (which I am much of the time), the answer is to clean poop from all over my house?!??! because he chooses not to listen and stop hurting me?!?? This is exactly where I get stuck.

We just came back from the grocery store. "DS, you can hold my hand in the parking lot or I have to carry you." DS says "no". He does not want to hold my hand, and does not want me to carry him. I pick him up and he proceeds to hit me and kick me and head butt me. So what do I do? I am thinking about not taking him anywhere for a while, and I mean anywhere. But after we deal with the parking lot issue he is great while shopping/paying/etc and he loves to go shopping.

I'm beginning to think if I want to be "GD" enough I have to let him take over the house and hit the ever loving crap out of me and sit and tell him that "it hurts" with no action. I feel very frustrated because no matter how many or few words I've used, lately they don't work in certain, nearly non-negotible situations and yet I can't find the answer anywhere. I've read a ton of books, though will add the 'Out of Sync Child' to my list, and most don't have a good way for me to deal.

I want to run away for a while...................

[want2bmoms]

ok, this doesn't sound "normal" anymore. Maybe you might head over to the special needs forum and ask what they think... Maybe there's more going on here than just "he's three and struggling to communicate with someone he loves" maybe he's in pain or some something, maybe he has rage... a lot of maybe's...
but it sounds like you're experiencing some major blow outs that aren't fair to you or your child, and there may need to be some other help.

"Likely he does have some verbal communication issues and I almost wonder if he couldn't be HFA or have a few of those tendencies"
He could also have sensory disorders, be on the autism spectrum, or anyother variety of things going on that you have no control over but need help dealing with because boy is it hard!!!

Maybe it's time to get some more outside help...

edited to say: Just thinking of it as a posibility, not for sure, something to explore...

[mamahart]

Hmmm...I wouldn't start thinking special needs neccessarily...I have a (very verbal) 3 yr old boy who hits me A LOT. I have had the most success with a few things- exaggerated crying and asking for band-aids ice etc..I really want him to KNOW he is hurting me. I also let him hit my hands- like boxing practice- bought a little boxing thing and gloves. We do a lot of what hands ARE for-hugging tickling clapping etc- I have lashed out too though and it was awful. It is changing and I've been working on not getting beat up by the little guy for about 4 months - I also give myself time ins- which he HATES but I lock myself in bedroom/bathroom for about 2 or 3 minutes. hmm what else..maybe baby signs would help if he is frustrated. I do not let him hit me anymore though. I gently restrain him and talk about us not hitting him etc etc etc and sometimes the second I let him go he is after me again and we do the whole thing again. I too am with the little guy for long days with no breaks and it is tough mama. Give yourself a break and know that things will likely change. HUGS to the both of you!

[chfriend]

Yeah, I guess that is what I'm suggesting if it comes to that. Or go outside until he wants a change.

Nothing, really nothing, can justify hitting someone. If it's a choice between poop on the house or hitting, it's poop on the house.

But, seriously, if you back off a little, he's likely to move toward you with love.

You're both hitting each other. It'll be a lot easier to deal with his hitting, if you stop yours.

[aschmied]

s


even if your DS isn't special needs, they may have ideas that can help you. DD is going through a "hurting" phase (pale pale shadow of your DS's) and I have found that the time-in's and holding her work. The Hug hold sounds good, and I'll try it. What I have been using is picking up DD with both arms, one arm through legs, one arm across chest holding arms so she can't hit. Oops, crying kid, GL!

[bluebirdiemama]

I am not a very experienced mom, but I think maybe you spend TOO much time with him and he is starting to see you as... a plaything in a sense. It sounds like you spend most of your time with him, doing things for him, and he doesn't see you do much for yourself, and maybe that's making him think that your around, to service him, in all the mom ways plus as a punching bag.
I say maybe you should pack him a little bag, and take him over to Grandma and Grandpa's house for like... 5 days, a weeks maybe. Maybe plan for 3 days and see how it goes, but get him into someone else's care, get some time for yourself, if you remember how to. I know it's hard to ask someone to watch a babe for that long, and hard to part with them, but this break I'd say is long overdue.
When he comes home I think he'll have a new respect for his mama, who isn't around no matter what, and maybe I should appreciate her when she is around.

I was at home all the time with my boy until he was 9-10 mos, and it was becoming that type of situation, where he would just be rough with me and kinda boss me around. Then we moved to be with family, he started spending more time with other people and it stoped.
Do you know anyone who runs a daycare out of their house, where you can bring him once a week or so to play for a couple hours? Or know of a playgroup?

I don't think he has some major problem. I think you should be vary wary of anyone who wants to say he has some type of disorder and put him on meds.

[bluebirdiemama]

I thought of you this morning when me one year old was slapping me and biting my face...
It's a little more of a game for us, at this point anyway. Whenever he is going to hit me or pull my hair I move or take it away and speak in a disapproving voice and say "no baby, you can't do that, no, that hurts mommy, we aren't going to do that." When he bites me I take hold of his head in both my hands, gently of course, and "get" his neck and face with tickle bites. Or he attacks from one side, and I go in on the other, avoiding the bite and nuzzling instead. He thinks it is hilarious. And most of the time I don't get hurt.
I have been interpreting this behavior as trying to be affectionate but not knowing how.

[jillmamma]

My DS acts like that sometimes too. It used to be a lot worse, but he has made a lot of progress in the last few months. DS is on the autistic spectrum, but very high functioning (PDD-NOS). He would be frustrated about something, and start head-butting, hitting, kicking, whatever, almost always directed on me (sometimes his sister if she was in his way or playing with something he wanted) rather than verbally telling me. It was like he did not know HOW to communicate his frustrations in any other way. Another thing he did/still sometimes does is crash his body into things, or take his sister's doll stroller/shopping cart/etc. and crash them into the wall. All of this is part of his sensory issues, and some of that is "sensory seeking" behavior, which is how he regulates himself. It is rough on the mama, SO hard to be patient and not yell, I KNOW! Some things that have helped us are:
- me giving him a sofa cushion and telling him if he needs to hit, hit the pillow
- making sure he has lots of outside time to burn off energy, run, jump, etc.
- getting a pile of cushions or mini-trampoline for him to jump on/crash into
- having him give me five if he wants to hit...I turn it around on him and say, "Oh, you wanted to give me five! Thanks!"
- Empathizing with him that "Man, it must be frustrating that <xxx>" (this also helps him learn the right words how to verbalize his feelings/needs)
- Making what we call a "Matthew sandwich" (he lays on top of a pillow, I put another on top of him and apply lots of pressure while he tries to break out and of course I let him) -- helps obtain that need for lots of pressure
- Spending more one on one time with him...sometimes he would do it to get my attention when he wanted more of me if I got too busy doing other things
- Using humor to help him with his frustration. He loves to be silly, so if I can turn it around into something funny, it helps ease the tension.
- Taking him out of overwhelming situations for a break...if a room is too loud or crowded, he will "act up" more because he does not know how else to handle all the stimuli, so taking him to a quieter area can help calm him.

Good luck to you, and know you are not alone!

[grantskismom+1]

What's his diet like? Does he eat processed foods? You might consider cutting out dairy and/or gluten for a couple weeks and see if that helps.

How often does he play with other children his age? He might need more peer playtime. I know that makes a world of a difference with my 3 year old.

[Tigerius]

I'm in the same boat with my 2.5yo (not very verbal either).
This morning he whacked my specs off my face and I have a bruise and a scratch on my face as a reminder...and I hit back......I'm ashamed of it and hate myself for it but I have to admit it was an instinctive reaction to being hit VERY hard in the face.

Does every toddler go through aggressive stages? What is normal? What is out of norm?