My 3 yo runs away - how to stop him...

[MrsT]

Please help me find a GD solution!!

My 3 yo DS has been running off from me/my DH for the past few months. Beyond his crummy sleep issues, and normal 3 yo wtantrum/whining, this is by far my biggest problem with him and definitely the most dangerous. He literally takes off at full speed no matter where we are and doesn't stop. He'll run out of stores, into the street, into crowds at busy places like the zoo/amusement parks, etc. He thinks it's fun.

We've tried setting expectations/boundaries beforehand, warning him of things that could happen to him (hit by car, lost, taken, hurt). We can't let him run off without going after him because he's not wandering off, he's running and not looking where he's going (like the street or in parking lots). Once he got lost in a crowd and couldn't find me and was hysterical (though I could see him, he just got disoriented) - but that didn't stop him from running off 10 minutes later. We've promised fun rewards (like a tv show, etc.) if he can listen and tay with us and even threatened and taken things away (trips to get ice cream, leaving early from wherever we are, etc.).

I just don't know how to stop it and it's gotten to where I can't go anywhere with him (I can't even pick him up from his 2 morning a week preschool without him running out the door into the parking lot). I have a 4 month old, and sometimes I CANT go after him without endangeing her too. I know he's had a rough year (For the past year I've either been pg or with the baby (4 months) because I haven't been able to give him my full attention (his dad does all bedtime/most of the weekend fun now). However, the behavior happens when he's alone with DH and when we're together, so I don't think it's solely to get more attention from me. Heck, even when I am trying my hardest to do smething fun for him, he does it. I am at my wit's end and am starting to feel like I don't like being around him much (which is the most horrible feeling).

Help, please...

[Adasmommy]

I hope someone posts with the perfect solution, but in the meantime, I would try not to go out with him. Minimize time out of the house. If you have an enclosed yard, utilize that for play. If you feel the need to go out, try to wait until you can go with dh so that someone is free to chase him.

When picking him up from preschool, can you keep his hand in yours as a RULE that he must do until he can learn to stay with you on his own? Barring that, maybe there's a teacher who can walk out with you?

Whatever you do about it or say to him about it, I would try to keep your love for him very obvious, and try to enforce your decisions in a not-mean way. As much as possible with the baby, snuggle ds up in your arms, cover his face with kisses or his stomach with tickles and say "I love you so much! I don't want you to get hurt, so I'm keeping your hand in mine the whole way to the car!" And perhaps then start talking cheerfully about the fun things you will do when you get home.

By the way, I can still wear my 3 year old with a wrap or Mei Tai.

[verde]

A 3y/o who runs away into a crowd and disappears has become a safety issue. Get a harness. I think they're great. I use one with my 2.5 y/o and she likes it. I know where she is, she has some freedom, and she can't run off.

[kalisis]

I had the same trouble with DS a couple of months ago. One day, we ended up walking out of KMart, leaving an entire basket of goodies just sitting there. I didn't do or say anything out of the ordinary to him; I just calmly went after him, got his hand and we left. He was upset we were leaving the goodies behind (and I had to go back the next day and pick up the stuff we had needed), but I explained to him that I refuse to stay anywhere with him that he's not going to stay with me. It's rare that he runs away now (although he was running out the door of school, so we instituted a new rule: he must ALWAYS hold mommy's hand from school to the car and back again and if he fusses, I just remind him what the 'rule' is.)

I would also make some very specific trips out to practice, rather than just willy nilly (like a pp said, minimize the trips out until he will stay with you).

The other thing that has worked if he's not necessarily running away from me, but just rather wandering away is that I warn him and then the next time, swiftly pick him up and put him in the cart where he has to stay for the remainder of the shopping trip. SOmetimes I just need to ask, "Do you need to sit in the cart?" and sometimes he'll tell me that yes, he does.

Good luck mama. Keep those babies safe, by all means.

[moondiapers]

re the school issue. you really need to just hold onto him, don't let go. Don't give him the opportunity. Wear the baby in a sling so that you can hang onto your son with one hand, and open the doors with the other hand.

[bellacymom]

Originally Posted by verde

A 3y/o who runs away into a crowd and disappears has become a safety issue. Get a harness. I think they're great. I use one with my 2.5 y/o and she likes it. I know where she is, she has some freedom, and she can't run off.

I agree. I tell my 3 year old if she runs off in a parking lot or any other dangerous place she is harnessed. I don't like doing it but I also don't like worrying about her getting hit by a car.

[naturegirl]

I am having the same issue so . He doesn't run off too badly but sometimes just out of the blue...I think that can be worse because you never know when it can happen. But I have another question. I have tried the hand holding rule but I get a limp boy, mushing to the ground with me holding his hand. I am 6 months pregnant and when I try to carry him he sometimes kicks and hits and I am worried about the health of the growing babe too. Any suggestions?

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by naturegirl

I am having the same issue so . He doesn't run off too badly but sometimes just out of the blue...I think that can be worse because you never know when it can happen. But I have another question. I have tried the hand holding rule but I get a limp boy, mushing to the ground with me holding his hand. I am 6 months pregnant and when I try to carry him he sometimes kicks and hits and I am worried about the health of the growing babe too. Any suggestions?

A harness or a stroller may be your way to go here. An umbrella stroller is really cheap and compact. It can fold up and hang on the side of your shopping cart, for example. We used a harness and/or stroller after my son got a dislocated elbow from going limp on me. I didn't let go of his hand in time

[TheRationalCrunchy]

"You'll get run over" or "you'll get lost" is such an abstract thing to a child!

There's no way they can conceptualize what it means to be run over. Three year olds aren't down with the entire concept of death or serious injury yet. Telling them the consequences might work for an older child, but seriously, the idea that they would no longer be alive is just alien to a preschooler.

I agree with the harness idea. Children don't mind them, as a rule, and it gives them a very natural consequence: "I am never ever okay with you getting hurt. You might get hurt very badly if you do that, so if you do it again, we're going to use the harness to make sure you do not get hurt. Then you don't have to hold my hand if you don't want to, but you won't be able to hurt yourself, either."

[naturegirl]

What about when they have a harness and they just sit and won't move? I can't drag him across the parking lot either. Does this last forever???

[Ruthla]

He's obviously not ready to "walk nicely next to you" in public places. He needs to be in a stroller or harness whenever you're outside with him, unless he's in a safe fenced in area (such as your backyard.)