Behavior Expectations-Need Feedback

[MamaPam]

This is kinda long so please bear with me.

We meet together with a group of adults from our church once a week in the evenings. Often we are there till 10 or 11 pm. Our children are 3 (almost 4), 2 1/2, and a just turned 1 year old. There are older children K-6 grade there as well. There has been some issues brought up about our children's, the two and three year olds, behavior. Mostly because I believe we have different ideas of what should be reasonably expected behavior and what behaviors they should be corrected or disciplined for and how they should be corrected. So I need some feedback from some mamas that are on the same page as me or at least closer. Don't feel like you have to answer all the questions, I just need some feedback.

What would your expectations be of your toddler or preschool aged children's behavior in this setting?
How often would you expect to be "interrupted" by them?
Do you think it is abnormal for them to want to stay closer to their parents rather than run off with the other kids?
Can they comprehend statements such as "you have to stay inside or outside because we don't want to let bugs in" "you have to stay upstairs or in the basement because the door makes noise "?
If mom and dad are in different parts of the house, would you be surprised when they cry because they are told they can't go to the other parent?
Do you think it is ever appropriate to discipline for tantrums, crying, whining in response to being told no they can't go back inside/outside, to mom/dad etc?

Another thing that I think contributes to their behavior issues that come up in this setting are 1) the time of day 2) Different Environment-being in a very large house with porches, finished basement, multiple story vs living in a home that is between 900-1,000 sq feet.

[AnnasMominPA]

Would it be possible for you to have someone watch them at your house? Or for you and DH to alternate going by yourself. Maybe one person could go for half the time and the other person for the other half with the children staying home? It sound like alot is being expected of them when you are there.

What would your expectations be of your toddler or preschool aged children's behavior in this setting? In this setting and at that late hour I'd expect them to be wild, crazy and overtired.

How often would you expect to be "interrupted" by them? Often especially by the older two children.

Do you think it is abnormal for them to want to stay closer to their parents rather than run off with the other kids? Not at all especially if most of the children are older.

Can they comprehend statements such as "you have to stay inside or outside because we don't want to let bugs in" "you have to stay upstairs or in the basement because the door makes noise "? It depends on the child. I definately wouldn't expect it of the younger two.

If mom and dad are in different parts of the house, would you be surprised when they cry because they are told they can't go to the other parent?
No, not at all.

Do you think it is ever appropriate to discipline for tantrums, crying, whining in response to being told no they can't go back inside/outside, to mom/dad etc? I'm not really sure what you mean. I would try to validate their feelings and sympathize with them but they wouldn't always get to do what they want. I don't believe in punishment for expressing their feelings which is what the children appear to be doing.

I think this is a situation that you might be able to deal with when they are older but right now it sounds too stressful for everyone.

Good Luck,
Angela

[Magella]

What would your expectations be of your toddler or preschool aged children's behavior in this setting? I would expect them to be tired, cranky, clingy, possibly hyper. Totally normal. Some kids can handle it, some kids can't. Mine wouldn't be able to handle it at those ages. Even now at ages 8, 6 and 4 they couldn't-there would be much whining, dramatic declarations of fatigue, clinginess, and numerous requests to go home.

How often would you expect to be "interrupted" by them?
Do you think it is abnormal for them to want to stay closer to their parents rather than run off with the other kids? I would expect to be interrupted pretty regularly, regardless of the time of day, with kids this young. I think it is very normal for them to want to stay close to parents rather than run off with the other kids--some more than others (temperament is a big factor), more so in some settings than in others, and I would particularly expect this at a late hour of the night.

Can they comprehend statements such as "you have to stay inside or outside because we don't want to let bugs in" "you have to stay upstairs or in the basement because the door makes noise "? Yes and no. I think they understand that you want them to do this, and kind of understand why (but not in the same way that adults understand). I think, though, that at these young ages impulse control is a major factor--they're still developing impulse control, so they may "know" they have to stay inside but "knowing" that won't keep them from trying or asking to do it.

If mom and dad are in different parts of the house, would you be surprised when they cry because they are told they can't go to the other parent?
Not at all.

Do you think it is ever appropriate to discipline for tantrums, crying, whining in response to being told no they can't go back inside/outside, to mom/dad etc?I would not. I would listen and validate their feelings, explain the reason for my answer, I would remind them that we can talk about this in a calm voice--but I wouldn't expect an immediate end to whining/crying/tantrums. Better yet, I would just let them go to the other parent. I am having difficulty thinking of a situation in which it wouldn't be possible for them to go back to the other parent, and I'm thinking if we did encounter that type of situation we'd cope as best we could while there-- but it wouldn't become a regular activity to which we'd bring the kids.

Another thing that I think contributes to their behavior issues that come up in this setting are 1) the time of day 2) Different Environment-being in a very large house with porches, finished basement, multiple story vs living in a home that is between 900-1,000 sq feet.I think you're right on with this. And if the adults you're with are openly disapproving of or uncomfortable with your kids' behavior (which sounds very normal) that might just add a level of tension that just adds to a difficult situation.

From the sounds of it, if it were me I'd find a way to go without the kids. It sounds very stressful for all of you.

[MamaPam]

Thanks for the feedback. DH and I are on the page thankfully. One thing we'll be doing is leaving earlier even if things are not done. I feel much better knowing that there are others seeing this in the same way we are.

[One_Girl]

It has been my experience that whenever I am in a group setting with adults my dd wants all of my attention and is not at all happy with having to play with other people. There is a lot of interupting, whining, and refusal to go play with the toys and when she finally does go play with the toys she guards the toy she wants jealously even if it is the big play kitchen and removes everyone's hands from it if they touch it, even if they are a third of her size. These things are really normal and hard to deal with especially if you are leading a group, but even if you are just trying to pay attention to the group they are hard.
Can the other parent take the kids somewhere else for an outing? Is it possible to drop them off at a babysitter's house? Can you go on alternating weeks?

[greeny]

I go to two meetings a month, and with dh traveling a lot lately, I end up bringing my two kids (just turned 5 and 3.5 years old) with.

The 5-year-old is great. She can entertain herself with activity books, stickers, markers and paper, etc.

The 3.5 year old is.... difficult! He keeps coming up to me, wanting me to hold him, wanting me to help him with his coloring book or whatever he brought, wanting to play. He intellectually understands that I need to talk to people at the meeting, but he cannot control his impulse/need to be with me. He just can't, and I don't expect him to yet.

This is only worse the later it is. Anything past 8 pm is, really, a recipe for disaster!

I would not expect most kids younger than, say, 4 to be able to handle themselves in a way that required little adult attention in that situation. And of course, it depends on the kid. My 5-year-old, just 6 months ago, wouldn't have been able to do it.

So.... is there any way you and your dh could alternate going to the meetings? One of you go one week while the other stays home with kids? Then alternate?

[BellinghamCrunchie]

DD is 3.25.

What would your expectations be of your toddler or preschool aged children's behavior in this setting?

Mostly that she not throw things or push other children.

How often would you expect to be "interrupted" by them?

If I'm not being interrupted, something is wrong and I better go check.

Do you think it is abnormal for them to want to stay closer to their parents rather than run off with the other kids?

No, its normal.

Can they comprehend statements such as "you have to stay inside or outside because we don't want to let bugs in" "you have to stay upstairs or in the basement because the door makes noise "?

Bugs??? Oh boy! Where? I want to see them.

Noise? It does? I want to do it! Again!

If mom and dad are in different parts of the house, would you be surprised when they cry because they are told they can't go to the other parent?

Of course she would cry, although more for mama than for papa.

Do you think it is ever appropriate to discipline for tantrums, crying, whining in response to being told no they can't go back inside/outside, to mom/dad etc?

No, its not appropriate to receive discipline for having feelings.