And it just makes me wonder if there's a different approach to be taken with GD, so I've mentioned it in a couple of threads, but now I'll start a new one to talk about it.
"Teeth are not for biting," "Hands are not for hitting," "Use gentle touches," all that, to me, ignores the core of what GD means to me. To me, GD is recognizing that a child's emotions are as valid as my own -- they may not be socially acceptable or even excusable, but they're valid in the internal structure of the child's mind. To say "no, your impulse is wrong and bad" seems to me to be exactly the kind of thing I dislike about parents NOT using GD.
There is nothing inherently wrong with the action of biting. Many people bite carrots. Many people chew pencils or pens. There is nothing inherently wrong with the action of hitting. Many people hit drums, or tambourines, or punching bags. There is nothing inherently wrong with the action of kicking. We kick soccer balls, hacky sacks, cans. We do these things with POWER and vigor, things that "gentle touch" doesn't satisfy!
If you really had a terrible day and just wanted to punch your boss in the face because he said something really terrible to you, which would help more? Gently touching your boss, or throwing a couple of good punches at a punching bag? If you're really angry, or even if you're just PMSing and want to start a fight, which makes you feel better? Being sweet and kind, or expressing your frustration by making some noise banging a drum or singing or something else?
Also, remember: our closest relatives are chimpanzees. Chimpanzee society is full of siblings jockeying for position in the clan. Sometimes kids have a distinct URGE to fight, and denying that urge completely instead of redirecting it into a safe and socially acceptable form is as bad as telling a little boy it's wrong to play with dolls.
For me, GD is all about recognizing children's emotions and allowing them to express them healthily. But children are NOT always happy. Are you always happy? No? So why do we think it's okay to tell an angry child (as I saw suggested in another thread) to jump up and down and clap their hands? That's something we do when we're happy. Children are not dolls. They're not there to keep us amused, and they're supposed to sometimes be sad or angry just like we are. I think in many ways it hurts parents and teachers and caretakers when they can't redirect a child's anger into jubilant happiness, but the truth is, sometimes, you feel like fighting. How many of us have never even ONCE picked a fight with a significant other just because we were in a bad mood? Remember that when you next get frustrated by your child, and remember that what helps isn't being told to be gentle and sweet, it's getting your anger off your chest.
"Teeth are not for biting," "Hands are not for hitting," "Use gentle touches," all that, to me, ignores the core of what GD means to me. To me, GD is recognizing that a child's emotions are as valid as my own -- they may not be socially acceptable or even excusable, but they're valid in the internal structure of the child's mind. To say "no, your impulse is wrong and bad" seems to me to be exactly the kind of thing I dislike about parents NOT using GD.
There is nothing inherently wrong with the action of biting. Many people bite carrots. Many people chew pencils or pens. There is nothing inherently wrong with the action of hitting. Many people hit drums, or tambourines, or punching bags. There is nothing inherently wrong with the action of kicking. We kick soccer balls, hacky sacks, cans. We do these things with POWER and vigor, things that "gentle touch" doesn't satisfy!
If you really had a terrible day and just wanted to punch your boss in the face because he said something really terrible to you, which would help more? Gently touching your boss, or throwing a couple of good punches at a punching bag? If you're really angry, or even if you're just PMSing and want to start a fight, which makes you feel better? Being sweet and kind, or expressing your frustration by making some noise banging a drum or singing or something else?
Also, remember: our closest relatives are chimpanzees. Chimpanzee society is full of siblings jockeying for position in the clan. Sometimes kids have a distinct URGE to fight, and denying that urge completely instead of redirecting it into a safe and socially acceptable form is as bad as telling a little boy it's wrong to play with dolls.
For me, GD is all about recognizing children's emotions and allowing them to express them healthily. But children are NOT always happy. Are you always happy? No? So why do we think it's okay to tell an angry child (as I saw suggested in another thread) to jump up and down and clap their hands? That's something we do when we're happy. Children are not dolls. They're not there to keep us amused, and they're supposed to sometimes be sad or angry just like we are. I think in many ways it hurts parents and teachers and caretakers when they can't redirect a child's anger into jubilant happiness, but the truth is, sometimes, you feel like fighting. How many of us have never even ONCE picked a fight with a significant other just because we were in a bad mood? Remember that when you next get frustrated by your child, and remember that what helps isn't being told to be gentle and sweet, it's getting your anger off your chest.
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