wdyd in the heat of the moment?

[JustSo]

The other day, DS (22 mos) screamed his high-pitched scream (a new development, in response to us recently moving) in my face and then followed it up with a slap to my cheek. I found myself livid and yelling, and in general behaving in a way that I never want to be.

In these angry moments, I try to remember GD and say things like: "You must be frustrated that we can't go outside right now." "You're mad at mommy because she's taken away (whatever inappropriate object he's found)." etc etc. But in the "heat of the moment," I'm finding it really difficult to say these rational words, and gently discipline.

What do you do in that moment to rise above your anger and not lash out/yell/say or do things you probably will regret? I read in a previous post, someone suggesting saying "ommmm..." which I find funny but am willing to try it and pretty much any other trick to get me out of my angry state. Any other ideas? I'm open

[Learning_Mum]

Honestly, in that situation I would have put him in his room until he calmed down. It's not OK to hit me, and although I understand he has a right to express his feelings I don't have to listen to him screaming at me. I will put DS in his room until he's calmed and then we will talk about his feelings and how he can deal with them etc.

I'm at the more 'punitive' end of the GD scale though.

[artgoddess]

If I can keep my cool, I let my DS know that it's not okay to hit and remind him that screaming at me isn't ever going to help his cause. If I feel my blood boiling, I don't always think alone time is an awful idea. I hate time outs. But truthfully I have used them for me. I need to be able to walk away take a breath and count to 10 once in a while.

[TheRationalCrunchy]

My personal favorite is the glassy-eyed stare.

It takes ALL THE FUN out of hitting and screaming. "Oh. Are you done now?"

[nathansmum]

Originally Posted by JustSo

What do you do in that moment to rise above your anger and not lash out/yell/say or do things you probably will regret?

I try to think how ugly/scary my face probably looks to them at those moments when I yell.

Although it doesn't always come to me in the moment, I have baby photo's on the fridge that I look at and remind myself how sweet and innocent they are I am there to guide them instead of losing it at them.

I try to remind myself that my yelling causing more yelling from them - I am modelling behaviour

I try to remember that afterwards I feel awful for having reacted that way and regret it - so I try to pull myself up before it gets to that point

Counting to 10

[laoxinat]

Originally Posted by TheRationalCrunchy

My personal favorite is the glassy-eyed stare.

It takes ALL THE FUN out of hitting and screaming. "Oh. Are you done now?"

WTG mama! This is called being the adult...

[JustSo]

Originally Posted by TheRationalCrunchy

My personal favorite is the glassy-eyed stare.

It takes ALL THE FUN out of hitting and screaming. "Oh. Are you done now?"

lol... I'm going to try this one. He just did the screaming thing again. It was ear splitting. Thanks for all the suggestions, counting to 10, etc etc, seriously keep them coming. I need any and all as I will probably need to reach way deep to come up with a better - more adult response (as someone else so aptly put it).

[Katwoman]

I've walked away before. Not far, just enough space between me and my dc to gain "space". Something about not being so close helped me not tip over the edge into screaming.

I've asked my husband to get them so I can cool down.

I've told them I'm going to the bathroom and will be right back.

All of these seem different in my head, but written out I could have just shortened them to I give myself some space. Usually it just takes a short period of time to get one good breath in so when I speak I can speak and not scream. I use "not funny" as well. (It drives me crazy when they're hitting and laughing.)

I find that when I'm really emotionally charged I can't come up with good talking words either. As cliche as it sounds 10 seconds really does make all the difference in the world sometimes.

[moondiapers]

In that moment I say, "NO HITTING!!!!" and I walk away. Then if it becomes a recurring problem we do a "you hit you sit" ala Barbara Coloroso.

[shanna-cat]

i usaully say something expressive like 'creston i see that you are upset but that really hurt mama' and if it really gets bad and i am about to blow i (usually in a not very calm voice) say ' i am getting frusterated and i am going to count to ten and calm down now' then i close my eyes and count out loud to ten- focusing on calming down. sometimes he stops and watches me curiously, sometimes he counts with me (calming himself down as well) and sometimes he continues to scream and yell at me all the while- but by count 10 i have usaully gotten past the blowing point and can make a contstuctive comment.

[TheRationalCrunchy]

Originally Posted by laoxinat

WTG mama! This is called being the adult...

Oh, I'm not a mama yet (TTC right now!) -- I've been a nanny (often for days at a time without the parents around) and a preschool teacher, though. I've seen about 50 kids go through the 3-4 year old hitting/screaming phase, and so have had plenty of time to get empirical data about what works. Sure, it hurts pretty bad the first time they do it, but they don't do it a third or fourth time or a hundredth time.

[NiteNicole]

In these angry moments, I try to remember GD and say things like: "You must be frustrated that we can't go outside right now." "You're mad at mommy because she's taken away (whatever inappropriate object he's found)." etc etc. But in the "heat of the moment," I'm finding it really difficult to say these rational words, and gently discipline.

That's a lot of words for a 22 month old and I really really don't like TELLING kids how they feel. I know the idea is that you're giving them words but it seems very awkward and unnatural to me.

I would say, "No hitting" while putting her down and doing something else. It is ok to learn that people don't want to be around you when you hit. It is ok to stop playing and go take care of some laundry, get yourself some water, or anything that looks like moving on to something else and NOT POUTING.

[LynnS6]

In reality?

"AGGHHH!! DO NOT HIT ME! THAT HURTS!!!! I AM REALLY ANGRY." And then depending on the situation, I either stomp off to my room or I plop my kid in their room.

In other words, probably all the wrong things. But in the heat of the moment I find it really hard to be calm. I'm not calm. I'm also not sure that some genuine show of strong emotion is necessarily bad. (In other words, I'm not highly motivated to change.) To me "oh, you're really frustrated..." is too fake in that instance.

I do the reflecting feelings back, but at other times when I've not been directly assaulted. And neither of my kids were chronic hitters, so I have no way to tell how they would have turned out had I behaved more according to the book.

[caricandothis]

My DS does the ear splitting screaming thing and he sometimes hits me when he's tantrum-ing. He is by far the most challenging little boy I've ever parented!

When he screams at me, I ignore him until he's done screaming and then I ask him, as calmly as I possibly can, what he needs and tell him he needs to use his words, please. I know he's usually screaming at me out of frustration bc I don't "get" what he wants. If its too much for me, I just put him down and walk away and try to collect myself as quickly as I can. He is VERY high-spirited and can scream and tantrum for a very long time.

For the hitting, I tell him "please don't hit me, that is not kind"..not in an angry tone, just as normal a voice as I can. Then I tell him that when he hits he has to tell me (or whomever he has hit) that he's sorry (he signs) and give lovies (a hug). It works for us and I've done this same technique with my older children and the dozens of kids I've babysat over the years.

Sometimes his constant loudness is just too much and I have to give myself a time-out. I do go into the bathroom and turn the fan on and just chill for a few minutes. I have to. And usually once I come out he's over his *moment* and is back to his sweet little mischievous self, lol.

[allgirls]

"people are not for hitting" in a very monotone voice. Then I remove myself from them. Being hit is a trigger for me and brings out my worse mommy moments. I realise that about myself so I have learned to become really still and calm in the moment...it gets better with practice and remove myself from the child.

22 mos olds are really babies. After the fact I would probably calmly say "we don't hit each other in this house, I don't hit you, you don't hit me"

My now 2.5 year old understands this completely. It was an impulse with her that I made sure had no reward(ie response)

[prothyraia]

Honestly?

If I react with anger, I get up and leave for a few seconds.

If I react with pain (my son can hit HARD), or frustration/sadness, I go ahead and don't stop myself from bursting into tears.

I'll talk, validate, and redirct AFTER doing those things, but I can't do it when I'm upset. Those two responses seem do seem to help reduce the hitting on their own though, certainly more so than yelling or getting angry.